Captain Obvious here. And I’m here to tell you that you don’t fuck with Victor Crowley. He’ll rip your head off, tear limbs from your body, and embarrass your ass for good measure. All of this Victor Crowley talk can only mean one thing: that the horribly disfigured supernatural Bayou Butcher is back for more mayhem in Hatchet III! So how does the final (which remains to be seen) entry into the trilogy stack up to the previous two? Well I’m glad you asked…… Continue reading
Hip Hip Horroray! The Asian Kid In ‘From Dusk Till Dawn’
So I decided to come up with a new recurring feature called Hip Hip Horroray! Basically, I’ll cover moments in horror movies that had you shouting Hip Hip Horroray while you watched. You may not have actually shouted those exact words, but you know what I mean, so just go with it. Now this could be a moment where an annoying character dies (Franklin from the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre) or maybe just the sheer joy when a terrible horror movie ends (Prom Night remake). So I had to kick things off on a high note and spotlight one of the most joyous horror movie character deaths ever: the Asian kid in From Dusk Till Dawn.
To be fair, the Asian kid in From Dusk Till Dawn does have a name in the movie. It’s Ernest. WTF? Ernest??? Ok. So not only is his character mind-numbingly annoying, but they give him an equally annoying name too? Perfect. I really kind of felt bad for the kid, but at the same time, when vampires were gnawing on his arms, I couldn’t help but smile and jump for joy without actually jumping.
*locked, cocked, and ready to showoff my horrible acting skills*
I’m still not exactly sure how Scott Fuller got the job to play Ernest. Maybe Robert Rodriguez owed somebody in his family a big favor? All I know is that every time he opened his mouth (even the scene where Clooney puts the gun in that mouth was unconvincing), I cringed. He did offer one positive moment in the film when he told everyone, kind of smugly actually, that they could put any two things together to make a cross to fight off the vampire invasion. Way to go Ernest. Kudos to you for that one.
*it ain’t gonna play itself….*
Fun fact: When I goggled ‘From Dusk Till Dawn Ernest’, a photo of Ernest Borgnine (RIP) popped up at the top of the page. It made me smile because that picture alone was better than the actual Ernest in From Dusk Till Dawn. So to your death scene when Juliette Lewis blew you up while vampires were feeding on you, I say Hip Hip Horroray! Isn’t that right Google pic of Ernest Borgnine?
On Vacation……
Review: V/H/S/2
Chooo Chooo! There’s the hype train coming down the tracks again. And those are my awful train sound effects that luckily for you, I’ve spared you in vocal form. But yes, there was and is much hype surrounding the sequel to last years love it or hate it anthology film, V/H/S. I have now seen the sequel, V/H/S/2, traveling many miles to tell you my thoughts on whether or not you should pop it in and push play, or eject that shit like a bootleg version of House Of The Dead. Continue reading
Sunday Bloody Sunday: ‘Raven Attack’ From ‘Damien – Omen II’
I can only imagine what it’s like going through puberty while you’re the Antichrist. The voice change, finding hair growing in random places, and of course using your evil powers to make birds attack people that you don’t like. Welcome to Sunday Bloody Sunday, where I recount some of my favorite horror movie death scenes in picture form. And if you were smart enough to read the title of the post, you know that I’m talking about the infamous raven scene from Damien: Omen II.
I dig this sequel and remember watching it on cable for the first time and the one scene, besides the guy getting sliced in half in the elevator, that stuck out to me is the scene where journalist Joan Hart is attacked by murderous raven. And to add insult to injury after her eyes are plucked out, she gets run over by a semi-truck in what could be one of the best semi-truck kill scenes ever, as her body literally flies up over the windshield, still hitting the truck, and then promptly gets run over. So here’s to you journalist Joan Hart. You never stood a chance.
*plotting….*
*more plotting….and taking a shit on her hood*
*plotting is done….*
*….and so is she*
Posted in Feature
Tagged bird attack, damien omen, damien: omen 2, dirty horror, feature, joan hart omen, raven attack damien, sunday bloody sunday
Am I Wrong For Wanting Another ‘Friday The 13th’ Movie?
It’s crazy because I was just finishing up writing this post about how I wanted another Friday The 13th movie, and low and behold, Paramount has obtained full rights from Warner Bros, and now has 5 years to crank out as many Fridays as it can! So yeah, still read my post about it to get my take on the future of the franchise in general:
Let me get this out there right away: I actually kind of liked the 2009 Friday The 13th reboot/remake. No where near as awful or groan-inducing as the Nightmare On Elm Street retry abortion, the Friday reboot actually had a decent set of balls attached to it. And a few great pairs of boobs too. I loved the beginning scene with the first set of victims, but then once it got into the whole ‘my sister is missing’ territory, it lost steam pretty quick. The kills were there, but they were uninspired and I felt that had they just stuck to a bare bones script (keeping the boobs of course and some inventive kills), we would have been much better off. But I didn’t hate it, which is why I’m a little surprised that there isn’t a sequel in the works or even any real substantial talk about one.
*wow! those machete seeds grew faster than I thought!*
The film made money. And horror, for the moment anyway, seems to be on the rise again as far as movies and TV go. They’ve pretty much already greenlit another Texas Chainsaw Massacre movie, and that reboot/remake sucked ass. So what’s the deal? I know that there are issues with the whole Paramount/Warner Bros distribution rights fiasco. Or maybe it was the Nightmare On Elm Street rework a year later that gave everyone cold feet to step back inside Camp Crystal Lake? Look, it’s not rocket science. Have someone come up with a basic premise, add some hot girls, some dumb decisions, and a few interesting/holy shit death scenes, and the horror masses will be happy. Kind of sounds like I’m riffing off of the whole Cabin In The Woods message, eh?
*worst hide and seek game ever*
I think they can get this one right. The horror remake track record is not strong, but I have to believe that whoever is involved can take Friday The 13th back to the roots and spit out something that we can swallow. I’m down with Jason Mears strapping on the hockey mask again and I also wouldn’t be opposed to doing something fun in 3D, ala what they did with My Bloody Valentine. To this day, one of the best movie experiences I’ve had was a packed Midnight 3D showing of Friday The 13th Part 3, with the original cast in attendance. Maybe even give Crispin Glover a call, since I’m pretty sure that you can get him for cheap nowadays.
Book Review: Whisper Of Crows
Ahhh teenage love. We’ve all been there. But in Jameson Hesse’s new novel, Whisper Of Crows, he gives the reader something much more than a standard teenage love story. I love when a book can throw so many twists and turns at you, that you almost forget what kind of genre you’re reading, mainly because there are just so many layers. That’s what Hesse does here, and he does it well, making the experience engrossing, as you flip frantically through the 358 written pages. Continue reading
Posted in Review
Tagged horror novels, jameson hesse, review, whisper of crows, whisper of crows jameson hesse
Anticipation Alert: Frankenstein’s Army (2013)
Do you like movies about World War II? Do you like movies about Nazi super-soldiers stitched together by a mad scientist to help Hitler escape his inevitable defeat? I know….I had you at Nazi super-soldiers, didn’t I? Welcome to the world of Frankenstein’s Army. A new movie about a group of Russian soldiers stumbling upon the hidden lab of the great Dr. Victor Frankenstein, played here by Karel Roden (love that guy btw). And how did this movie make my Anticipation Alert post? Because of the new red band trailer that you can see below. Thank god that they threw some Dubstep into the trailer though. I don’t think we’ve heard enough Dubstep in trailers or on the radio or on TV commercials lately. Can you pick up on the sarcasm? But crappy Dubstep aside (just mute it when you hear it come in), the trailer delivers!
Sunday Bloody Sunday: ‘Death By Party Favor’ From ‘Friday The 13th Part 7: The New Blood’ (1988)
Here’s one for the books. A chick gets her comeuppance by way of a novelty party favor, complete with a honk sounds and all! If you weren’t smart enough to read my headline to the post, then if you’re a true horror fan, you still know that I’m talking about the classic party favor kill of Kate in the entertaining, if not ridiculous, Friday The 13th Part 7: The New Blood. And I’m spotlighting that kill this week on Sunday Bloody Sunday because in a movie where the death scenes are aplenty (sleeping bag, head crushing, etc, etc, etc….), this one got a big chuckle out of me and still does to this day. No real fanfare to set it up (although there feels like there should be since it involves a party favor and all), so let’s take a peek at the aftermath of Kate’s run-in with Jason!
*is there supposed to be this much uncomfortableness when you dilate my pupils?*
*I told you that I hate surprise parties!*
Give Me The Creeps: Dreamscape (1984)
Damn, just realized I haven’t done a Give Me The Creeps post in a while. But anyway, now is the time where we dip into my mind and find out what really does or did give me the creeps from the world of horror cinema. And thanks to my parents springing for cable TV in 1984, I was subjected willingly to watching a movie called Dreamscape which featured Dennis Quaid, Norm from Cheers, and Steven Spielberg’s wife. Oh – and a guy that could turn himself into a snake in his dream world! F*ck that guy by the way, because that’s one of the things that gave me the creeps from this movie.
*ssssstop ssssstaring at me*
Think of Dreamscape as the ugly stepchild of A Nightmare On Elm Street. It involved psychics, dreams, presidential assassinations, and the fact that someone is killing people in those dreams, causing them to die in real life. This was on HBO a lot back then and because of that, I was basically traumatized by two parts from the movie. For some reason though, I couldn’t stop watching it. I think that reason was that I had a horror fetish at a very young age, but I digress. So, David Patrick Kelly plays Tommy Ray Glatman, the ‘evil psychic’ who is knocking off people in Dreamland. He turns super bad towards the end of the movie and proceeds to rip the heart out of a policeman on a dream train while in the middle of trying to assassinate the President with a bunch of nuclear attack victims. God I loved the 80′s.
*I heart you*
Tommy Ray isn’t done though, and proceeds to turn into a giant walking snake, which surprisingly looks different each time it’s on-screen. Claymation will do that to you. But nonetheless, it scared the shit out of me when I was a kid and still gives me the creeps to this day. Dreamscape is definitely one of those movies that isn’t necessarily classified as “horror”, but it most certainly has horror elements to it. The poster and VHS cover always confused me though, because it looked like they were trying to sell this movie as an Indiana Jones type flick. It isn’t, and Dreamscape will always be known for giving an 8-year-old boy the creeps back in 1984 and also a 36-year-old man today if the mood is right. F*ck you Snake Man!
*….but you have a good personality*
