Lets Have Another Staring Contest…….

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Oh boy.  It’s your first staring contest with a scanner.  Don’t panic.  You can do this.  If you don’t lose focus, you can combat his mind and make him break.  Try to think of something soothing and calming.  Like Hannah Davis serving you lemonade topless on a white sandy beach with smooth jazz music playing in the background.  There…..now isn’t that nice?  I bet you’ve already forgotten that you’re in a staring contest with a scanner.  Wait, what are you doing?  Don’t itch your nose.  You’re going to lose focus!  Get back to thinking about a topless Hannah Davis serving you delicious lemonade and…………

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You lose.

Dirty Horror Memory Lane: ‘Hellraiser’ Watch & Wear Promotion (1988)

Ok.  Time to show my age again.  Remember VHS tapes that you used to watch movies on?  They went into this contraption called a VCR.  And if you rented a VHS copy of a movie from your local video store, you were supposed to always be kind and rewind.  But before you could rewind, on certain movies there would be something called ‘Watch & Wear‘, and if you were smart you would have had your wallet ready back then.  ‘Watch & Wear‘ was a special promotional addition before and after the movie that would allow you to purchase memorabilia from the movie you just watched.  And the one movie that I remember most that had this option, was none other than Hellraiser!

Goddammit.  I knew I should I gotten that satin Hellraiser jacket when I had the chance back in 1988.  Now it’s just a pipe dream.  Truth be told, I would have gotten the T-shirt, jacket, coffee mug, and the gym bag for sure.  And my flipper mentality knows that these would be worth a lot more than what I would have paid for them back then.  Good luck trying to track down any of the items located in the ‘Watch & Wear‘ promotion, but if you do find the satin jacket – please make sure to contact me ASAP.

Horror Doppelgangers: Tom Atkins And Christopher Stone

Every time I watch Night Of The Creeps, I always think to myself….I can’t believe Rusty from National Lampoon’s European Vacation is in a horror movie.  Another thing I always think though is why can’t there be two Tom Atkins’ in the world?  He’s so damn cool.  He’s a ladies man.  He has a mustache made out of gold whiskers.  That last part may or may have not been confirmed.  I mean for God’s sake, just look at him!

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Ok – so the point of this post isn’t just to gush over Tom Atkins, but to bring to everyone’s attention that while watching The Howling the other night, I had to do a double take. Now as far as I knew, Tom Atkins wasn’t in The Howling. But what I saw on-screen was a man who portrayed the same mystique and charm as the aforementioned Mr. Atkins. He even had a similar mustache! No, this wasn’t an ‘Invasion Of The Body Snatchers‘ type scenario.  This was actor Christopher Stone doing his best Tom Atkins impersonation…..

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Oh yeah – and he slays bitches just like Tom Atkins too.  Just look at that look of pure pleasure on the face of Dee Wallace Stone!  Either that, or she’s realizing that her husband’s a werewolf and she’ll become one soon as well. Now as much as I love having two Tom Atkins’ walking around and flaunting their flavor savors, there can only be one Tom Atkins.

I’d actually like to think that Tom turned down the role for The Howling and director Joe Dante decided to track down the next best thing.  Only Tom Atkins can be Tom Atkins though, but there is somewhat silver lining in all of this. Tom was never in a werewolf movie that I know of, so if you ever wanted to see ‘Werewolf Tom Atkins’, this is the closest you’re going to come!

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Who Invited The Asshole? Starring: Harry Cooper From ‘Night Of The Living Dead’!

Oh, we all have the one friend who seems to always appear to be the asshole at a function or gathering.  I’m sure I’ve been labeled that in the past too.  Yep, I just called myself an asshole.  But is there anything worse than having an asshole around when you’re being harassed by a bunch of flesh-eating undead ghouls?  Yeah, kinda makes things worse.  Thanks, Harry Cooper.

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For those living under a rock for the past 48 years, I’m talking about THE Harry Cooper from George A. Romero’s zombie classic Night Of The Living Dead played by actor Karl Hardman.  I actually just realized btw that the TV show ‘Hangin’ With Mr. Cooper‘ would have been better and way more interesting if Harry Cooper was the Cooper they were talking about.  Who cares about a basketball coach who subs as a school teacher when you could have Harry Cooper going off on random people with that mean scowl on his face?

Now when Harry Cooper wasn’t shouting at his wife to get in the basement, he was getting into a poorly choreographed fist fight with Ben.  Sure he put a few boards up to try and keep the zombies out, but other than that he was pretty much useless.  Which is why it was a real crowd-pleaser after Ben shoots him, that his own daughter gloriously munches on his bullet-riddled corpse.  The moral of this story?  If you’re an asshole, your zombified daughter will eat you.  And Harry Cooper…..you were a real asshole.  RIP.

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Anticipation Alert: The Invitation (2016)

Tension in movies is good for your heart.  I don’t know exactly if that’s a proven fact and I’m not a doctor, so take it for what it’s worth.  But speaking of tension, I keep hearing that a new movie called The Invitation has loads and loads of it.

What’s The Invitation you ask?  Well the rather long synopsis below should help you out:

Will and Eden were once a loving couple. After a tragedy took their son, Eden disappeared. Two years later, out of the blue, she returns with a new husband… and as a different person, eerily changed and eager to reunite with her ex and those she left behind. Over the course of a dinner party in the house that was once his, the haunted Will is gripped by mounting evidence that Eden and her new friends have a mysterious and terrifying agenda. But can we trust Will’s hold on reality? Or will he be the unwitting catalyst of the doom he senses?

Having already played a few festivals last year, The Invitation is getting a lot of positive buzz and after you watch the teaser trailer below, I think you’ll be just as in as I am.  Look for it in select theaters and VOD on March 25th!

Monday Bloody Monday: ‘Crazy Troglodytes’ From ‘Bone Tomahawk’ (2015)

**Spoilers Ahead**

Sooooo – when I finally sat down with Bone Tomahawk, I was somewhat intrigued for the first hour or so.  I love me a good western movie and I also love me some Kurt Russell in a good western movie, so I was on board and half-wanted Val Kilmer to show up as a sickly Doc Holliday.  No Doc Holliday unfortunately, but what we did get were some nasty cave dwelling troglodytes that kicked things into full on gear for the second half of the movie.

Welcome to Monday Bloody Monday, where you guessed it – we’re talking about troglodytes this week!  And might I add, that’s a first on my site.  Now, I did give you forewarning at the beginning of this post that there would be spoilers, so if you haven’t seen Bone Tomahawk and think you might – don’t watch the clip below.  Of if you just like to have things spoiled for you, then by all means click away.  Just a warning though – it gets much worse as the clip goes on…..

Anticipation Alert: Zoombies (2016)

Have you ever wondered what would happen if you were enjoying a delightful time at the zoo and a zombie virus erupted and started infecting all the animals that you were there to see?  Good thing that the infamous ‘king of independent b-movies’ production company called The Asylum has wondered that very thing too!  Feast your eyes on Zoombies!

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First of all, the title Zoombies is going to be really tough to beat for the ‘Best Horror Movie Title‘ award this year.  And that’s saying something since the year has just started.  But yes, if your dream has always been to see zombie lions and tigers and bears (oh my!) chase down and eat people, then your dream is about to become reality.  I would give you the synopsis for Zoombies, but I think you can already figure that out Sherlock.  Apparently this beautiful specimen will be making an arrival in March in 3000 theaters across the country!  Just kidding – this will be going straight to DVD or maybe even the dumpster.  Get ready for a Zoombies trailer (which will be magnificent) coming soon!

Sunday Bloody Sunday: ‘Finger Face’ From ‘Dead Alive’ (1992)

Aside from having a fear of mayonnaise, I also have a striking fear of having somebody shove their fingers literally into my face.  A strange fear, I know, but that’s why this week’s Sunday Bloody Sunday is all the more personal to me.

If you’ve never seen Peter Jackson’s bloody brilliant Dead Alive (aka Braindead), then you shouldn’t be reading any horror sites anymore.  Your privileges have been revoked.  But if you’re like me and have seen a couple hundred times, then maybe one of your favorite scenes is when the nurse gets a face full of Mum’s fingers.  Watch below and enjoy the deadly digit demise.  Try saying that 5 times fast.

Ebay Find Of The Week: ‘Phantasm II’ Promotional Button

Buttons and pins seem to be all the rage nowadays, so it only makes sense to start scouring eBay for old promotional horror buttons.  And upon my scouring, I came across this little gem for all of my Phantasm fans out there:

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Wow.  That’s one big ass button!  It looks like it’s the size of about 20 quarters. No word in the listing if the quarter actually comes with the button or not though.  I actually like Phantasm II more than Phantasm, and I’m sure I’m not alone on that.  So if you need this to add to your Phantasm collection, it will only set you back $12.95 (plus shipping) which is not too shabby for a magnificent horror-themed button.  You can go to the eBay listing HERE to snatch it up before someone else does.  Do it now BOY!!!!!!!

Dirty Horror Memory Lane: ‘Stretch Monster’ Toy (1978)

Even though I was only 2-years-old in 1978, I still think my parents dropped the ball when they didn’t get me a Stretch Monster toy.  What’s a Stretch Monster toy you ask?  Well he’s Stretch Armstrong’s arch-nemesis of course!  Duh.

Yes, in 1978 if you ever wanted to have a big green toy that you could stretch apart every which way, then you were in luck with Stretch Monster.

Man oh man.  How about that awesome synthy music in the commercial? Good news if you actually have one of these in their original condition:  it’s worth a lot of money and is VERY rare.  Bad news if you actually want to buy one now though.  Don’t be fooled by the knockoffs on eBay by the way.  And apparently, there were so many different moves that you could do with Stretch Monster!  Take a look at the picture below and you might even want to try the ‘Swamp Seize‘ or ‘Monster Bash‘ on your significant other this weekend. Honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if Stretch Armstrong tussled with Stretch Monster on purpose to get in on some of this action.

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