1998 brought forth the single most evil incarnation in the history of the world. Yeah, move over Hitler – the song by The Offspring ‘Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)’ was released. Causing riots and villages to be burned, that particular song (and video) was way worse than Freddy Krueger fingernails on a chalkboard for me. But hold on! That festered sore of a song can quickly be forgiven if you listen to The Offspring’s 1989 song called ‘Beheaded’.
Here’s a quick sample of the lyrics:
Watch my girlfriend come to the door Chop off her head, she falls to the floor Watching my baby’s jugular flow Really makes my motor go
Wrap a towel around the bloody stump Take my baby’s body to the city dump Then wipe the mess off the bloody axe Scoop all the heads in my burlap sack
Alright!! Now that’s The Offspring that we know and love. Fun fact: A version of ‘Beheaded’ was in the 1999 horror/comedy Idle Hands. But anyway, this song puts a grin on my face. Especially the “Night brings bad dreams/Bad dreams and guillotines” part. Take a listen below and enjoy!
Nothing gets me going more than some gorgeous gore in a horror movie. And I guess that ‘gorgeous’ could definitely be a word used to describe Nicolas Winding Refn’s odd little movie The Neon Demon. The women are gorgeous. The style of the film is gorgeous. And the scene where a model vomits up an eyeball is…..you guessed it – gorgeous!
Welcome to Monday Bloody Monday, where I must warn you that the following clip has spoilers galore if you haven’t seen The Neon Demon. Not that it would really matter much, since even if you have seen the movie you probably don’t know what the hell is going on anyway. I dug this movie more than I thought I would though. Some will call it artsy crap. Others will praise the ambition of it. The clip below of the ending pretty much sums up The Neon Demon at it’s best, and might make you rethink ever wanting to eat an eyeball.
Each Thanksgiving, I like to take a moment and reflect on the year of horror so far and think of five things that I’m thankful for. Sometimes it’s hard to do after eating a pound of turkey and mashed potatoes, so I’ll give you my list a few days before Turkey Day this time to save you from some sluggish writing. Continue reading →
As I’ve stated before, horror pins seem to be all of the rage nowadays and I myself have bought into the hype both figuratively and literally. But what about the good old horror days, when buttons or pins were made to help promote a movie? Case in point – the 1997 movie Wishmaster. What would you do if you could own a promotional pin from that film? Or wait – what if you could own TEN promotional pins?!?!
Yesssssssss. Someone on eBay is selling 10 promotional pins from Wishmaster. You’re gonna have to be a pretty hardcore Wishmaster fan to snag these up, but I’m sure there is someone out there who can’t get enough of Djinn! Maybe you can buy them and try and use them as quarters too. But anyway – if you want to be the proud owner of this lot of Wishmaster pins, then follow the link HERE and snatch them up for $10. Sidenote: I’m not sure why the listing has the word ‘Vampire‘ in it. Clearly this seller has never seen the movie. For shame! I wish for you to be banned from selling Wishmaster merchandise.
Back in the 2000’s, I was a J-horror junkie. For those who may be confused, J-horror stands for ‘Japanese Horror’. Now that we’re all on the same page, I can admit to you that these are really the only type of horror movies that truly give me the creeps. Sure there are a lot of the same bits played over and over in J-horror movies with various spooky ghosts and long dark-haired girls, but there’s just something about the atmosphere that they always nail. Speaking of, one of my favorites ever in the J-horror category is 2004’s Shutter (from Thailand more specifically), a story about a photographer who sees creepy images and shadows in his pictures and tries to understand why.
Yes, Shutter was terribly remade in American form in 2008, but the original is super spooky and the ‘bed scene’ definitely fits into that spooky category and gives me the creeps. The ghost is kind of a cover hog though. One thing I did learn from this movie aside from the fact that ghosts like to steal bed covers, is that if I have a lot of strain on my neck and shoulders – I shouldn’t rule anything out as far as why it’s happening. Watch the bed clip below and have sweet J-horror dreams!
With all of the turmoil going on in the country right now, there is one thing that can unite us all as one. One thing that can take away all of the pain burning through our bodies. One thing that can help us rise above the bullshit that we may endure for the next 4 years. And that thing is……………………..The opening 5 minutes of the 1981 slasher movie Graduation Day!
Awwwww yeah! Boogie down, baby! If that doesn’t take the Trump stench off your clothes, nothing will. And yes in case you were confused after watching that clip, Graduation Day is a horror movie and not an after school special about a track team who just wants to dance. Oh – and I apologize if any of you had a seizure while watching some of the editing that was done in the video too. Granted, I recently revisited Graduation Day and realized that it is an underrated gem as far as cheesy 80’s slasher movies go. And it even has a young Vanna White in it! Not turning letters though unfortunately.
**BREAKING GRADUATION DAY NEWS**
Upon looking up the movie on Wikipedia, it states that Graduation Day has made over 23 million dollars. And it cost $250,000 to make. This has to be a typo or a joke, right? Whatever. How about that opening theme song?!?! Yeah!
Yeah!!! METAL!!! Devil Horns!!! Well, more like some tamer 80’s synthy pop this week – but it’s from Alice Cooper so it’s metal adjacent. Definitely a guilty pleasure, ‘He’s Back (The Man Behind The Mask)‘ was the theme song for Friday The 13th Part VI: Jason Lives. The effort itself from Alice Cooper doesn’t necessarily fit his mold, but it got him some screen time with Mr. Voorhees so it’s all good. Gotta love the majestic green screen work being done in the video btw. So click the Youtube link below, get your Metal Monday groove on, and take a drink every time you see a bad green screen shot. You’ll be fucked up in 4 minutes.
Sometimes if you are a young kid growing up in a small town, you feel the need to want to kill anyone over the age of 18 to appease a religious entity so you can have a full and healthy corn harvest for the year. A bit excessive? Yes. But think of all of that delicious buttery corn you can eat because of it! Sometimes, corn isn’t important though and hair is. A random sentence, sure, but when you’re talking about a hair specimen as glorious as the one on top of Malachai from Children Of The Corn – you’ll let all of that randomness slide.
Issac can’t even concentrate while Malachai is yelling at him because his hair his so hypnotizing and magnificent. Bonus points for it being red btw. I’m almost half-waiting for Issac to bring some shampoo up into the shot and “Feel the rain on your skin….” to start playing in the background. Sure, Malachai was pretty scary in Children Of The Corn – but his hair definitely was not. So without further adieu, it gives me great honor to induct Malachai aka Courtney Gains into the class of Great Moments In Horror Hair History! Now all of you outlanders get out of this post!
Sometimes when I get bored, I type older horror movies into the Rotten Tomatoes ‘search box’ and see what the Tomatometer is. And since it’s that time of the year for Halloween-themed horror movies, I figured I would type in a movie that is synonymous with Halloween: Trick Or Treat. Now I know that some of you newbies to the horror world might think I meant the fantastic anthology horror movie that came out in 2007 (with a slightly different name), but I am talking about the heavy metal horror awesomeness that came out in 1986!
So what would you guess that the Tomatometer is for Trick Or Treat? 10%? 40%? Hmmmmmm……try 71%! Granted that’s only out of 7 reviews (5 fresh and 2 rotten), but impressive nonetheless considering the type of horror movie that Trick Or Treat is. The storyline: Ridiculous. The soundtrack: Straight 80’s metal goodness. But in a time when the 80’s were churning out a lot of cheesy horror movies, it’s nice to see this one get some love on Rotten Tomatoes. As one reviewer put it – “Yes, it’s trash, but it’s special trash to me.” Couldn’t have said better myself random reviewer!
So the next time you’re thinking of a cheesy old school horror movie, and you want to see if any reviewers gave it any love – look it up on Rotten Tomatoes and you may be surprised! Jesus – this whole post sounded like I just jerked off Rotten Tomatoes and gave them a bunch of free publicity. They could have at least bought me dinner first.