Ladies And Gentlemen……The Great Leap Of Jason Voorhees In ‘Friday The 13th Part III’!

With the Summer Olympics on the horizon, I figured I would showcase someone who had so much raw potential and skill in the 80’s, that he could have easily been a champion participant.  I’m talking about none other than Jason Voorhees!  Oh go ahead and laugh and throw things at the computer screen.  Apparently you haven’t seen a little movie called Friday The 13th Part III???  Behold the majestic wonder of Jason’s nimble legs, as he uses them to jump out of the way of a speeding van:

Wow!  Have you ever seen such elegance and grace?  It’s like he could have leapt off of the screen if he wanted to, which would have been appropriate considering the film was in 3D.  If only Jason had realized his full Olympic potential, he could have been competing for the gold in the high jump or hurdles.  Instead, he would just go on to make more Friday The 13th sequels and then appear in a lackluster reboot in 2009.  Oh wait – how could I forget about the judges?  Judges, let’s see your scores for that incredible ‘dodging the van’ leap from Mr. Voorhees……

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Well, I have no idea why the Looney Tunes characters have showed up in this post as judges, but they’re here so let’s just roll with it.  And looking at those scores, I think we can only come up with one conclusion:  Porky The Pig and Pepe Le Pew really like Jason and would like to have a threesome with him.  Ok, maybe not – but what is clear is that Jason Voorhees missed his calling as a future Olympian, and the world lost out on something truly special and glorious.  Just another sad case of wasted talent.  Btw – yes, I was high when I wrote this post.  USA!  USA!  USA!

Give Me The Creeps: ‘The Biting Of The Penis’ From ‘The Last House On The Left’ (1972)

Well, if you read the title of the post, then you already know what road we’re going down.  Yeah, it’s the ‘dick biting’ road unfortunately.  Many things can give me the creeps in horror movies.  A disturbing doll sitting in the corner.  A child giggling before killing someone.  And most of all, watching a guy get his dick bitten off by a vengeful mother.  You see, anything done to that region of the body in a movie that inflicts pain usually will make me squirm in my seat like nothing else.  And one of the originators of this said act of violence was the late and great Wes Craven’s shocker, The Last House On The Left:

Fun fact for those who haven’t seen the movie – that guy who just got his junk chomped on is named Weasel.  Fitting.  So, a couple things after re-watching that clip.  And no, I will not mention that fact the Weasel can apparently “finish” 5 or 6 times if he wants to.  I guess I just did mention that though.

The main thing is that I was reminded of how awesome The Last House On The Left soundtrack is.  The music that kicks in when Estelle is about to do the dirty dick deed is pretty amazing and makes me think I’m playing a video game.  I don’t know that I could ever say “Oh, sweet Mama – here I come!” when I’m with a girl by the way.  Anywho, Weasel had that shit coming for being a disgusting rapist.  But man oh man – it doesn’t make it any less uncomfortable for a man to watch, and it still gives me the creeps.  Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go count my blessings that I have my penis.

Review: Lights Out (2016)

As a kid, I do remember having a fear of the dark.  I had a special Donald Duck night light (it didn’t quack though) that I suppose was put in place to protect me against whatever I was fearful of.  Problem is, I wasn’t really afraid of anything in particular.  And certainly not a manipulative vengeful spirit with a rare skin disorder that survives in the dark named Diana.   Continue reading

Ebay Find Of The Week: ’30 Days Of Night’ Promotional Beanie

Well, it’s the summertime and as the late Glenn Frey would say…..the heat is on!  There are a lot of ways to beat the heat:  a dip in the pool, rubbing ice cubes all over your body, eating some delicious ice cream, and buying a promotional 30 Days Of Night beanie.

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Yeah – probably not going to really keep you cool, but you will be really stylish while you’re dripping buckets of sweat from wearing a beanie in 100 degree weather.  Although uneven, I actually enjoyed 2007’s vampire flick 30 Days Of Night.  So much so, that I almost clicked ‘Buy It Now‘ on the eBay listing for this promotional beanie.

If you are a bigger 30 Days Of Night fan than me, then head on over to the listing HERE and check it out.  The asking price of $8 isn’t too shabby for what it is.  I’ve spent money on a lot worse off of eBay before.  And to get you in the mood, watch one of my favorite scenes from the movie below and feel free to shout out your best vampire screech while you’re at it:

‘The Devil’s Candy’ Trailer Has Arrived……In Russian!

Having already jerked off the poster for The Devil’s Candy the other week and the overall premise of the movie that apparently fuses horror and heavy metal together, I come bearing great news for those who loved the poster as much as me!  A teaser trailer has been released, and it has everything you could want.  Except the English language.  Yeah, unfortunately it’s in Russian and doesn’t have subtitles.  Although I did make out someone saying “Metallica” at some point.

Nevertheless, the visuals alone are worth the watch and if you do speak and understand Russian, then it’s a bonus for you!  By the way, The Devil’s Candy is written and directed by Sean Byrne who did The Loved Ones, one of my favorite horror movies in the last 10 years.  Check the Russian-fused trailer below:

When You Look Constipated On A Horror Movie Poster……..

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Oh yeah – the body is hot.  The constipated face she’s making?  Not so much.  However, it seems her constipation could be used as a weapon against that creature since she’s literally dangling her ass over it’s mouth.  Sorry – that flew a bit off the rails there.  But yes, that is the poster for the new obvious low-budget horror film called The Creature Below. And yes, the girl on the poster looks constipated.  We’ve established that already.  What hasn’t been established is that The Creature Below’s teaser trailer actually looks pretty good!  Check out the synopsis for the movie below, with the teaser following after that.  It will take your mind off of the constipation face up there.

During a traumatic accident on a deep-sea dive, Olive, a gifted, young marine-biologist discovers an unearthly creature. Losing her dream job, Olive smuggles the creature home, intent on studying it in secret, unbeknownst to her devoted boyfriend Matt and estranged sister Ellie.

Plagued by gruesome nightmares, her fractured memories of what happened during the accident in the depths of the ocean begin to unravel, revealing her symbiotic bond with an eldritch horror far older and malevolent than she could possibly imagine, one which drives her to carry out its sinister will, with deadly results for those around her.

Monday Bloody Monday: ‘The Pit Of Needles’ From ‘Saw II’ (2005)

One of my biggest fears, besides eating mayonnaise, is my fear of needles.  Want to see me turn white as a ghost – then show me a movie that shows a needle going into someone’s arm.  Yeah, I’m a big sissy when it comes to needles, which is why it’s not a surprise that I barely made it through watching Amanda (Shawnee Smith) get shoved into that pile of syringes in Saw II.

Welcome to Monday Bloody Monday, where I am shoving you into the Youtube clip of that very scene.  Say what you want to about the Saw franchise (it’s just torture porn, blah blah blah), some of the traps were very effective and well done.  And sure, tossing a former drug addict into a pit of dirty needles is a bit sadistic, but when you watch a Saw movie you’re obviously looking for something sadistic.  We all have a little Jigsaw in us after all, don’t we?  Check out the clip below and I’ll be in the other room while you’re watching.

Horror Movie Posters I Love: The Devil’s Candy (2016)

It’s rare that I see a horror movie poster and get a boner.  What’s even more rare is when that poster doesn’t have a scantily clad woman on it, but instead has a guy with a wicked guitar and lots of blood.  Ok – this isn’t helping my cause.  Just take a look at the new poster for The Devil’s Candy and let the horror boners commence!

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BOING!!!  Ok, now I’m just hearing about The Devil’s Candy, but much like the poster – the movie itself sounds awesome too.  Check the brief synopsis below:

In this creepily haunted-house tale a struggling painter is possessed by satanic forces after he and his young family move into their dream home in rural Texas.

The Devil’s Candy premiered last year at the Toronto International Film Festival and the response seemed to be overwhelmingly positive.  No said date for a release here in the US and no trailer yet (which mildly kills my horror boner), but fear not – because the poster is a good sign of good things to come!  Satanic happenings?  Metal music?  Lots of blood?  Yes, yes, and yes please.  Stay tuned for more info on The Devil’s Candy!

More ‘Day Of The Dead’ Remake Fuckery Is Upon Us…….

More than 30 years later and they still can’t seem to get a Day Of The Dead sequel/reboot right.  First we had the tremendously bad Day Of The Dead 2: Contagium go surprisingly straight-to-video in 2005.  Then we had a ‘loose’ remake title Day Of The Dead also go straight-to-video in 2008, and it starred Nick Cannon as a wannabe zombie-killing bad ass.  I’ll let that sink in for a minute.  And now, the Day Of The Dead remake gods are at it again with ANOTHER version of the George A. Romero 1985 classic.  And thanks to Bloody Disgusting, we got a sneak peek at the character MAX, who is a reboot of BUB from the original.

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What in thee fuck.  Now I have nothing against the actor portraying MAX here (Johnathon Schaech), but this just doesn’t seem right.  First of all, BUB was a character that should never even try to be duplicated.  He was, and is, an iconic horror figure and one of the best attempts in a horror movie at evoking emotion from the audience for a character. And if you read the short synopsis of this remake (which seems to be a more true remake this time around), then the fuckery gets even worse:

Day Of The Dead follows a former medical student tormented by a dark figure from her past, who happens to be a half-human, half-zombie hell-bent on destroying her.  

Oh sweet fancy Moses.  So we have a half-human, half-zombie on a mission to get revenge?  Sounds lovely.  And let me guess…..MAX is going to be that half-human, half-zombie?  Hence why he has to be chained up maybe?  Love it or hate (I’m with the latter), this remake of Day Of The Dead is in production and it will become a reality soon.  I reached out to Captain Rhodes from the original movie and this was his reaction:

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Great Moments In Jump Scare History: ‘Car Accident’ From ‘Insidious: Chapter 3’ (2015)

Boo!!!!  Ahhh – did you jump?  Probably not unless maybe you’re deaf.  The good ol’ fashioned jump scare.  I can admit it – I’ve had my fair share of moments when I had to check my underwear while watching a horror movie.  They didn’t come up with the phrase ‘scare the shit out of you’ for nothing.  Most jump scares that get me have to do with people lurching out of the shadows or something along those lines.  What usually doesn’t do it for me are car accidents.  That was until Insidious: Chapter 3 came along.  Take a peek below and get your change of underwear ready!

A little harsh with the whole “Come on, lesbo!” line at the beginning.  But anyway – if you hadn’t seen that clip and you didn’t jump when the car accident happened…….then, you sir (or ma’am) are ‘jump scare’ proof.  Obviously the scene was set up for something and I knew that all was not right when Quinn (Stefanie Scott) looks down the road at the creepy figure.  Just wasn’t expecting that damn car!  Anywho – I actually kind of dig Insidious: Chapter 3 (a whole lot more than Chapter 2), and this jump scare is just the cherry on top.  I’m just glad that they’re stopping at Chapter 3 and won’t move on to a Chapter 4……….ummmm – what’s that?  They are making a Chapter 4???  Sonofabitch…….