Top 10 Old Guys In Horror Movie History

Lately, my grey hairs have been out of control.  And I seem to be urinating more than I have in the past too.  Not to mention I’m always taking ‘cat naps’ because I just can’t seem to get the energy going that I used to.  Bottom line:  I’m getting old.  So I wanted to celebrate my favorite old guys throughout the years of horror movies with a Top 10 list to make myself feel better about inching towards that infamous age of 40.  So without further adieu, I give to you the Top 10 Old Guys In Horror Movie History:

 

10.  Old Man (Night Of The Demons – 1988)

The old man in 1988′s Night Of The Demons was the definition of a cranky old sonofabitch.  He was that guy that would tell kids to stay off his lawn and spent his later years making kids feel bad for being kids.  Fittingly, he got what he deserved in the end when his ‘razor blades in the apples’ Halloween trick backfired horribly.  Poor cranky old sonofabitch.

 

9.  Grampa (TerrorVision – 1986)

More than a guilty pleasure for me, TerrorVision is the epitome of an 80′s “Midnight Movie”.  And the character of Grampa more than contributed to that whole vibe.  He was a little bat-shit crazy, but what old guy isn’t?  Now please enjoy this clip of his epic demise.

 

8.  Mr. Machen (The Fog – 1980)

It’s all about the voice.  And actor John Houseman had the kind of voice that would make Kim Kardashian’s memoirs sound interesting if he read it out loud.  His scene in John Carpenter’s The Fog was added later in production to bulk up the movie, and I for one am glad it was.  Watch and listen to Mr. Machen scare the shit out of bunch of little kids around a campfire with his tale of a ship that sank 100 years ago.

 

7.  Joe Petto (Silent Night, Deadly Night 5: The Toy Maker)

Raise your hand if you even knew that there was a fifth installment of the killer Santa Claus franchise, Silent Night, Deadly Night.  Ok – now raise your hand again if you knew that national treasure Mickey Rooney starred in that movie.  Yeah, that’s right – he played a psychotic toy maker named Joe Petto, which was a somewhat clever nod to the story of Pinocchio.  Not many clips of old man Rooney in action in this one on Youtube, so check out the crappy trailer for film to get your fix.

 

6.  Grandpa (The Lost Boys – 1987)

How cool would it be if your grandpa was not only a taxidermist, but also a secret vampire hunter too?  Pretty damn cool, which is why Grandpa from 1987′s The Lost Boys made the list.  He’s pretty kooky throughout the movie, but damn near steals it with this scene at the end.

 

5.  Grandpa (Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 – 1986)

Another character named Grandpa!  Now although I’m very partial to the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre over the sequel in terms of the movie as a whole, I have to give the edge of the Grandpa character to the latter.  He was more spry, had more personality, and honestly swung that hammer like a spring chicken (albeit a borderline decomposing one).

 

4.  Dr. Loomis (Halloween: The Curse Of Michael Myers – 1995)

You may have noticed that I chose the sixth installment of the Halloween franchise for Dr. Loomis’ character.  That’s because he was pretty damn old in it and it showed.  It turned out though, that it would be his swan song because actor Donald Pleasence passed away shortly after Halloween: The Curse Of Michael Myers was completed.  So let’s raise a pint to the amazing Dr. Loomis and his equally amazing trench coat.

 

3.  Henry Kane (Poltergeist II: The Other Side – 1986)

Not many horror characters burn their image into your brain like Henry Kane from Poltergeist II: The Other Side.  Pretty much the only good thing about this sequel (besides the giant tequila worm of course) is this Bible thumping creepy old man that stole the show with his infectious smile and thinning hair.  Dogs don’t seem to take too kindly to him though, which is usually a major red flag in a horror movie.

 

2.  Crazy Ralph (Friday The 13th Part 1 & 2 – 1980, 1981)

You’re all doomed!!!”  And with that line, Crazy Ralph skyrocketed himself into the upper echelon of horror catchphrases.  Some might have actually been surprised that Ralph survived Pamela Voorhees in the first Friday The 13th.  The second time was not a charm unfortunately, as he took some barbed wire to the neck after being a creepy peeping tom.  Serves you right Crazy Ralph!

 

1.  Grandpa (Silent Night, Deadly Night – 1984)

Alright – here we go!  Did you expect someone else to be at number 1?  If you haven’t seen 1984′s Silent Night Deadly Night, then not only did you miss out on an awesome sledding decapitation, but you also missed out on the best old man moment ever in horror movie history.  Billy, our psychopathic killer Santa Claus, visits his Grandpa in a nursing home when he’s 5-years-old.  It’s at this point where the old bastard scares the shit out of Billy by telling him the horrible truth that Santa punishes little boys and girls who are naughty. Because of that, we pretty much have Grandpa to thank in part for Billy’s murderous rampage that would happen years later.  Thanks for that Grandpa, but congrats on grabbing the number 1 spot!

Horror Movie Posters I Love: Blood Beach (1980)

I’ve always been a bit scared of going into the ocean and I guess I have Jaws to thank for most of that fear.  Truth be told though, I think I’m more scared of jellyfish.  But what about the sand????  What if something besides crabs lurked in the sand????  Newsflash in case you didn’t know, but in 1980 there was a movie called Blood Beach that explored that very thought.  It’s a ‘so crappy, so good’ type of movie, but boy oh boy – what a poster it had!

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She’s really selling that ‘Oh my god I’m being swallowed into the sand!‘ expression, isn’t she?  Kudos on the Jaws-biting tagline btw.  This was at the beginning of the booming 80′s horror craze where basically anything went. Including killer sand apparently.  Gotta love it though, and I absolutely LOVE this poster!  It embodies everything that was great about 80′s horror movies and it definitely catches your eye for more than one reason.  That’s a pretty snazzy purple leopard-print bikini by the way.  Go seek out Blood Beach if you haven’t seen it (screen vets John Saxon and Burt Young are involved), and I apologize if I’ve given you Eremikophobia.  That’s the fear of sand – see, you learned something from this post.

Found Footage Movie #3459: The Taking Of Deborah Logan (2014)

Another day, another found footage paranormal/possession movie. Yawwwwwn.  What could possibly be different about this one?  Do they have a poster for it that makes it look remotely scary that will grab my attention right away?  Pfffft – probably not.

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Ok, ok.  That’s not too shabby.  The red definitely helps it stick out, and so does that creepy-ass old lady.  Not to mention that they’re toting the fact someone from the awesome Trick ‘r Treat movie is involved with this.  Now what pray tell is The Taking Of Deborah Logan about?  Luckily for you and me (since now I don’t have to write a synopsis), we now have a trailer to better fill us on everything.  So let’s all make our decision together right now about it and watch together, shall we?

Sweet Jesus.  Ok, I wasn’t really expecting to want to re-watch the trailer, but I just did.  Now remember, it’s another found footage movie in a flooded market of found footage movies.  But dare I say that this looks……good?  It could be the old tactic of giving you everything worthwhile from the film in the trailer, but you can’t deny the creepiness going on here.  And there are even snakes involved!  I dig that they’re trying something a little different by throwing in the Alzheimer’s storyline.  And I also dig that The Taking Of Deborah Logan will be released around the time of Halloween, which makes the month of October for horror movies even more appealing.  I would have changed the title because it’s too generic (the original name The Taking would have been better), but I’m nitpicking on that.  Get ready for October 21st everyone and see this lives up to the hype!

Dirty Horror Memory Lane: ‘Return Of The Living Dead Part II’ Merchandise Promo Video (1988)

I’m a sucker for anything retro that has to do with horror movies.  Even if the retro fun involved is with a terrible sequel.  And the terrible sequel that I’m talking about is 1988′s Return Of The Living Dead Part II.  Sure, it had a little bit of charm – but the comedy mostly fell flat, unlike it’s predecessor in 1985. Whatever feelings I have for ROTLD Part II, I can push aside for a minute to enjoy this lovely little promo ad for the merchandise that you could have purchased in 1988 to support the film.

Did that put as big of a smile on your face as it did mine?  I miss these kinds of ads (usually attached to the VHS copies after the movie was over), and that’s exactly why I love Youtube because you can always revisit them. Hopefully you’re not dumb enough to call the 1-800 number included in the ad though to try and order something.  Ebay is your only hope for any of these items, so if you’ve been clambering to get your hands on a Return Of The Living Dead Part II tank top, race on over and get to some searching!  I think I’ll avoid the stampede myself, so you guys have at it.

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Sunday Bloody Sunday: ‘Death By Toy Soldiers’ From ‘Dolls’ (1987)

If you’ve ever had a fear of being killed by a bunch of little toy soldiers, I would leave the post now.  Ok – you’ve been warned.  And the reason I’m warning you is because on this week’s Sunday Bloody Sunday, I’m highlighting a death scene that involves psychotic little toy soldiers from Stuart Gordon’s 1987 amazing little horror film, Dolls.

Not much needs to be set up for this clip, other than knowing that a punk rock girl goes snooping around where she shouldn’t, and finds her eyeless friend (an iconic image that was incorporated on the original VHS cover) and a bunch of creepy-ass dolls.  After she destroys a good majority of them, revealing their little skull faces under the porcelain – she encounters the toy soldiers.  Don’t let their drum taps and harmless bugle fool you…..they’re pissed off.

Ok…..So This New ‘The Town The Dreaded Sundown’ Trailer Is A Nice Surprise

Ok – here we go again with one of those impressive movie trailers that will either allow the film to live up to the hype or drown in it’s own mediocre bullshit.  I must say that I’m impressed by this one, so let’s get right to it and check out the trailer for The Town That Dreaded Sundown:

Think of this as a sequel/reboot to the 1976 movie of the same name.  I’ve always loved the whole ‘sack head killer’ angle (My favorite Friday The 13th sequel is probably Part 2), so it immediately gets points for that.  And I’ve been fiending for a good slasher film because I’m bored with all of the paranormal/demonic stuff.  Sometimes you just need some good ole fashioned slashin’!

And if you’re a fan of American Horror Story I’ve got good news for you because one of their directors, Alfonso Gomez-Rejon, directed this movie.  That’s another aspect I love from the trailer – just the overall look of it.  Bonus points for not looking cheap.  Look out for The Town That Dreaded Sundown to hit select theaters and VOD in October (just in time for Halloween!) and we can all only hope that the trombone will make another appearance in this one.  Yeah – he kills her with a trombone.  That really happened.

Give Me The Creeps: ‘Mr. Roboto’ Music Video From Styx

Robots freak me out.  I remember watching Lost In Space when I was a kid and ‘Robby The Robot’ gave me some horrible nightmares.  So did ‘Rosie’ from The Jetsons.  And ‘Twiki The Robot’ from Buck Rogers made my skin crawl.  But all of them paled in comparison to ‘Mr Roboto’ from the video and song of the same name by the legendary rock band, Styx.

Call me a wimp all you want, but I’m not afraid to admit my fears.  And it’s bad enough to have one creepy robot, but then to have it morph and replicate into five robots is creepy robot overload!  Not even Dennis DeYoung’s angelic voice can deter me from being freaked out by these walking metallic nightmares.  I honestly remember having to turn the channel when the Mr. Roboto music video would come on MTV when I was 7-years-old, which when I think about it now is actually quite embarrassing.  It’s a bit more tolerable today since I’m a grown-ass man, but I still am deeply troubled by it.  And that’s even more embarrassing.  Fuck you, creepy robots.

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Dirty Horror Presents: The Constipated Look Of The Day

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Overacting Scene Of The Day: Artie And The Boiling Water From ‘Sleepaway Camp’ (1983)

In 1983′s Sleepaway Camp, Artie the head cook got what he deserved after trying to unsuccessfully molest Angela.  A big old pot of scalding hot water tumbles on top of him, burning him from limb to limb.  And yes, as I said – he deserved it.  However, what we as the audience didn’t deserve was the 20 second long overacting from Artie after it happened.  Granted, I’m sure it hurt.  And I’m sure I would have screamed too.  But this is low-budget cinema we’re talking about here, and Artie went all out for that coveted gold statue that he never had a chance to receive.  Click below and behold the work of a true thespian, ladies and gentlemen:

Ebay Find Of The Week: Vintage Ben Cooper Halloween Costume

The greatest time of the year is only less than 2 months away!  Yes, that’s right – National Nut Day is coming up on October 22nd and I know we’re all preparing for it.  Oh, and Halloween is coming up too!  I started feeling a bit of nostalgia today and began reminiscing about my old school Halloween costumes that I wore as a kid.  You know the highly unsafe and flammable ones with the uncomfortable plastic masks?  That led me to snooping around Ebay for some of those and came across this guy:

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First off all, in case you can’t tell – that’s supposed to be Herman Munster. Second of all, it’s creepy as fuck.  Ben Cooper was a big corporation between the 1930′s – 1980′s that manufactured Halloween costumes for kids to enjoy and be uncomfortable in.  And this Herman Munster version is very rare and up on Ebay HERE right now.  Yikes – a bit steep for $600, but it looks like you can make an offer as well.  I do think I’m going to be on a mission this year however to track down a more cost efficient one of these Ben Cooper beauties just to keep as a collectible.  Or maybe I’ll try to actually wear it, dust off my Halloween plastic pumpkin candy collector, and go around town and get some goodies while getting taunted in the process.