Dario Argento’s ‘Dracula 3D’ Really Looks Like It…….Sucks

Couldn’t resist the Dracula pun in the title of the post.  Oh Dario Argento.  You gave me a movie (Suspiria) that makes it into my ‘Top 10 Horror Movies Of All Time‘.  And then you gave me some other movies that weren’t quite top 10 material (Opera, Deep Red, Inferno).  The greats can always redeem themselves though, but it’s been a tough road to climb for you, especially after recent non-gems like Giallo and Mother Of Tears.  But I continue to hold out faith for you Dario, because I do think that you have it in you to give us one more film that can stand next to some of your earlier films on my DVD shelf. On the other hand, maybe not, that is if we’re strictly judging from this poster for your new movie, Dracula 3D:

Oh boy.  Well not to rain down on the parade more than I am, but if you think that’s bad, then come on inside out of the rain and take a look at these NSFW clips that just came out for this “movie”.   

 

 

First up, we have……oh forget it, just watch it:

Ok then.  That may have been some of the worst snarling and attempts at being evil that I’ve ever seen out of a vampire character.  And hey look!  It’s Rutger Hauer!  I’m not sure if the fact that clip is in Italian is distracting or if it actually adds to the campiness and enjoyment even more.  Ok – next clip up….roll it!

Well…..at least there was a nice pair of vampire breasts in that one.  More bad vampire snarling though.  Yay.  Complete laugh out loud (I didn’t feel like putting LOL) moment when Dracula (Thomas Kretschmann) lunges at the camera for that amazing 3D effect too.  Now I must say in Dario Argento’s defense that maybe he knew what he was making was bad and possibly in the finished cut of the film, some Benny Hill music will be there for accompaniment to round out the joke.  But most likely not.

I fear that Dario is taking that walk down the road that George Romero is, where he feels like he’s making the movies he used to make, but in reality isn’t. You can never take away from what Argento or Romero have given us in terms of horror cinema and cinema in general though (more so George than Dario), but there does come a time when you should wrap it up and keep the dignity of your legacy intact.  Having said that, from what I’ve seen of trailers and clips from Dracula 3D, I’ll be grabbing a six pack and sitting down with this as soon as possible (it was picked up for US distribution) and taking it all in for what it’s worth.  Did I mention there’s a giant praying mantis in this movie? Perfect…..

*plastic fangs = 99 cents   vampire “O” face = priceless*

 


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