Horror Hijinks: Children Of The Living Dead (2001)

Wow.  2001 was a shit year for horror movies.  Save for Jeepers Creepers and Session 9 maybe, if you gaze your peepers upon a list of the horror selection that came out that year, you may be surprised at just how deep the shit goes.  And nothing falls deeper onto that shit list than the sad attempt at capitalizing off of the “Living Dead” genre called Children Of The Living Dead.

Children Of The Living Dead is mind-blowingly bad.  So bad that it almost makes House Of The Dead look like an Oscar contender.  So bad that in one scene, you actually see an extra who is playing a dead zombie scratch their nose as if no one could see.  And so bad that the best part of the movie is watching Tom Savini run around for the opening 10 minutes shooting cap guns (not joking) and practicing his kung-fu moves.  We’re even duped on the title.  I was expecting an onslaught of undead underage children munching on people left and right considering the movie is called Children Of The Living Dead. That may have actually kept my interest.  But alas, even the munching is lame. And I really hate lame munching.

I realized that I need to look at this piece of shit zombie movie as a comedy though to fully appreciate the level of shittiness that it truly is on.  And when you do that my friends, it’s actually not that bad!  Take the clip below for instance.  Ladies and gentlemen – I present to you the comedy stylings of Abbot Hayes!

Oh that Abbot Hayes sure knows how to work the room, doesn’t he?  If only Gary had gotten that windshield fixed, maybe their van wouldn’t have flown off the cliff.  And maybe then I wouldn’t have been reminded of Toonces The Driving Cat from Saturday Night Live:

As much as I enjoy watching that bad driving cat plunge off the cliff, let’s get back to Children Of The Living Dead to close this sucker out.  My advice if you haven’t seen it is to get really drunk.  Really, really drunk.  Maybe even smoke a joint or two.  Then sit back, watch it, and take it all in.  You can play a fun drinking game too that whenever the dubbing is off for the actor’s lines, you take a drink.  You’ll be fucked up by the time Tom Savini shoots his first cap gun.  Enjoy!

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