Wow.  2014 is upon us and we’re still not even close to having those super-cool hoverboards from Back To The Future Part 2.  Have no fear though, because we do have some pretty sweet horror flicks from 2013 to soften the non-existent hoverboard blow.  So without further adieu, I present Dirty Horror’s Top 10 Horror Movies Of 2013!  

10.  Stoker

Atmosphere, atmosphere, atmosphere.  That’s what director Park Chan-wook gives us in Stoker, along with Nicole Kidman’s plastic surgery infused face.  It’s all about the mood and some great acting to go along with it, and Stoker nails it on both ends.  Not for everyone, but I was pretty impressed.

9.  John Dies At The End

What the fuck was this movie about?  Who cares.  It oozed originality and it had a giant monster made out of meat.  What more could you ask for?  Don Coscarelli delivers the goods in the most fucked up way possible, and for that he is rewarded by making the Top 10 list of 2013.  Take a moment to take it all in, Don.

8.  Curse Of Chucky

2013 was the year where Chucky became scary again.  Not that I ever really thought he was that scary to begin with, but Curse Of Chucky was a welcome return back to his original horror roots, detouring away from the slapstick of the later sequels.  My only qualm is that it looks like there will be another sequel, when I felt like the 2013 effort was the perfect way to end the franchise.

7.  American Mary

Living in La La Land (Los Angeles), I’ve seen my fair share of plastic surgery nightmares.  And thanks to American Mary, I got to see more and even got my first taste of a sewed up vagina on a woman who wanted to look like an actual doll.  Yay!  This movie wasn’t perfect, but it was original and I dug it’s style and ‘balls to the wall’ approach that it brought throughout.

6.  You’re Next

The hype machine was strong for this one and the masks were a big part of that hype.  Adam Wingard and Simon Barrett’s ode to the slasher movie brought humor, scares, and a huge sense of nostalgia.  You’re Next wasn’t quite the home run that I thought it would be, which is why it didn’t break the Top 5, but still a terrific independent horror achievement.

5.  Evil Dead

Evil Dead was probably my most anticipated movie of the year for obvious reasons, but also was the one I was most skeptical of too.  I came out of the theater grinning though, because I loved pretty much everything I saw up on the screen (minus the weak script of course).  What Evil Dead did right, it really did right.  Tons of great practical gore gags and it showed exactly how to do a remake/homage without going through the motions and being lazy.  (Insert predictable ‘groovy’ line here)

4.  V/H/S/2

In 2012, the fresh anthology flick V/H/S made my ‘Best Of’ list, but overall I was slightly disappointed in the final product.  Which is why I was more than impressed at the effort that was put forth in the sequel this year, V/H/S/2.  Excelling on pretty much every level over the first one, this sucker is worth the price of admission alone for Gareth Evans contribution, Safe Haven.  Literally had to pick my jaw up after watching it.

3.  The Seasoning House

Easily the most pleasant surprise of my horror year was The Seasoning House.  Brutal and hard to watch at times, this British import pulled me in and wouldn’t let me go.  No zombies.  No found footage.  Just raw, real life horror which is usually the most effective.  Not for everyone, but you can’t deny the impact that this film has.

2.  Maniac

Scalping.  Everybody’s doing it!  Not really, but in the remake of Maniac, Frank sure is.  Stylistically, you won’t find a better horror movie in 2013.  The synthy 80’s soundtrack only adds to the colorful, yet demented, settings and Elijah Wood actually pulls off the role of a sadistic serial killer.  Not exactly a date movie, so you’ve been warned if you’re looking to impress the little lady in your life with your cinematic taste.

1.  The Conjuring

Yeah, I know.  It’s a predictable #1.  But I’m not caring, because at the end of the 2013 horror race, The Conjuring won by a landslide.  Smart and scary.  Two words you don’t usually hear when talking about mainstream horror movies.  Great acting, great atmosphere, and enough creepy images and scenes to keep you up at night for all of 2014.

 

Honorable Mentions:

Insidious Chapter 2 –  far inferior to the original, but still enough WTF imagery to warrant an honorable mention

Warm Bodies – funny, sweet, and a zombie or two to appease the horror buffs

Bad Milo – the only movie in 2013 with a little fang-toothed monster cramming up a guy’s ass

Frankenstein’s Army – what it lacks in story makes up for with some visual eye candy

Hatchet III – is it the actual end to the franchise?  If so, it went out on a pretty decent high note