Review: Mom and Dad (2018)

If you are easily offended and do not like to see children in movies be killed by their parents after having their minds taken over by a static transmission from the TV, then you should probably stay away from the horror/comedy Mom and Dad.  However, if you want to see Nicolas Cage go completely bonkers like only Nicolas Cage can and get chased around the house by an equally bonkers Lance Henriksen……then you need to watch Mom and Dad.  It’s a crapshoot.    Continue reading

Has Anybody Seen My Turkey Baster? (Don’t Breathe – 2016)

You know, I was just talking to my friend the other day and told him that there is an extreme shortage of semen-filled turkey basters in horror movies nowadays.  Luckily for me, I can go back and revisit the solid 2016 horror/thriller flick Don’t Breathe to get my fix.

For those of you who have not seen Don’t Breathe since it’s release two years ago, I guess I kind of sort of already spoiled the fact that there’s a semen-filled turkey baster scene.  But not just any semen-filled turkey baster scene……THE semen-filled turkey baster scene!  Now watch below as Rocky (Jane Levy) gets her revenge with a (you guessed it) turkey baster.

Now the first thing that comes to mind besides mouthwash after I watch that clip, is how fucking good this movie was.  To me, Don’t Breathe lived up to the hype even though it’s not technically a full-blown horror movie.  A sequel seems to be coming, but if you ask me they should just leave it alone.  And speaking of coming, I do wonder if another turkey baster will make it’s way onto the big screen when the sequel does hit.  We can only dream.

On Second Thought: ‘The Relic’ Is A Really Good Creature Feature Horror Movie!

With the abundance of CGI in horror movies nowadays (although there are a few exceptions), it’s nice to take a trip down ‘Practical Effects Lane‘ once in a while and appreciate a simpler time when a movie monster didn’t look like a video game.

Thinking about this, my thoughts transcended me to 1997 for the ‘creature feature’ known as The Relic.  The story is somewhat simple (monster runs amok in a Chicago museum), but what I didn’t necessarily “love” back then when I first watched it – I have grown to appreciate more so here in 2018.  Let’s have a taste below of what I’m talking about:

Oh – slight disclaimer:  There are quite a few beheadings in this movie.  But as you can see from the clip, the practical effects on the monster are rather impressive.  And it will be no surprise to anyone that those effects were done by Stan Winston’s FX company.  I do love me a good ‘creature feature’ movie and love it even more when I can see the work that’s put into creating the monster.  And if you have the same goals while watching a monster movie and you haven’t seen The Relic, then seek it out and enjoy the throwback nature of it.  Did I mention it’s set in Chicago btw???  I’m from that area, so that enhanced my experience.  I’m sure that fact bored the hell out of you.

When Going ‘Ape Shit’ Goes Wrong: Wooley From ‘Dawn Of The Dead’ (1978)

Sometimes there’s a character in a horror movie that we wish would have stayed around  a little longer, just so we could get more of their zany antics.  Case in point:  Wooley from the original Dawn Of The Dead!

Now, slight spoiler alert before you watch the following clip:  Wooley dies.  Yeah, he deserves it.  But man oh man is it fun to watch him go full on ‘ape shit’ before he bites the bullet.  Wooley is a self-proclaimed hothead and doesn’t mind spouting off the occasional racial slur either.  All the more reason that it’s best that Ken Foree takes him down before he could do anymore damage with his gun or his mouth.  So let’s pull up a chair and enjoy Wooley’s final 48 seconds of glory in Youtube form:

Ebay Find Of The Week: 36 Pack Of ‘Freddy’s Bubble Gum’!

Remember that first time you saw the original A Nightmare On Elm Street?  Freddy Krueger was literally something out of a nightmare.  He was creepy, maniacal, and just plain fucking scary.  But as the later NOES sequels went on, Freddy became more cartoonish – like a Three Stooges episode.  His evil was replaced with yucks and bad puns.  And the marketing they did for poor ol’ Freddy around these times?  Oh, the marketing.  Case in point:  Freddy’s Bubble Gum!

s-l1600

Oh, Freddy :-/  But anyway, my point of this post isn’t to scold those involved with pimping Mr. Krueger out to the world with terrible ideas and concepts – my point for this is to let you know that you can buy that unopened box of Freddy’s Bubble Gum on eBay right now!  Yay?  For those who don’t know – the container is just a plastic tube filled with terrible tasting gum with a picture of Freddy at the top and a “clever” saying attached.  I mean look, it’s nostalgic – even if I don’t agree with the direction they took him.  So, if you want to own this piece of Freddy Krueger nostalgia….then head on over HERE to the eBay listing and snatch it up or make an offer.  I would advise against eating that gum though.

Dirty Horror’s Rapid Reviews: ‘The Ritual’ & ‘Verónica’

What do a best friend hiking trip in Sweden and a bad Ouija board experience during a solar eclipse have in common?  Well, nothing actually – but they are both the premises of two recent horror movies that hit the wonderful world of Netflix.  Let’s start with these poor bastards that did some hiking in Sweden:

The Ritual (2018)

the-ritual_02_1

This one took me by surprise.  A British horror film (directed by David Bruckner) set in Sweden that follows four friends who keep a pact to go on a hiking expedition after another one of their friends was killed six months prior.  Now of course, when you have people hiking in some creepy woods in a horror movie then bad shit’s going to happen.  The rub with The Ritual is that it’s pretty unpredictable.  A hybrid of The Blair Witch Project and The Wicker Man with a little monster action thrown in, this movie is beautifully shot and packs the emotional punch lacking in a lot of horror movies.  It also packs a pretty great literal punch towards the climax.  And The Ritual is creepy.  Did I mention it’s creepy?  Yeah.  Go watch it.

rsz_1rsz_3x3head copy   rsz_1rsz_3x3head copy   rsz_1rsz_3x3head copy   rsz_1rsz_3x3head copy

(4 Out Of 5)

Verónica (2018)

1-4

There have been some decent Ouija board related horror movies throughout the years (Witchboard, Ouija: Origin Of Evil), but none that have really hit me where it hurts like this new offering titled Verónica.  A spanish horror film directed by Paco Plaza (who gave us the impressive Rec franchise) that manages to take the somewhat tired ‘possession’ storyline to new creepy and emotional levels.  The plot is fairly standard (a girl and her friends attempt to use a Ouija board to speak to her dead father during a solar eclipse), but manages to still be riveting.  The acting is superb (especially Sandra Escacena playing Verónica) and Paco Plaza has a knack for utilizing the camera so well, especially during those ‘wait, did I just see something in the background?‘ shots.  I felt it could have been trimmed by about 10 minutes or so, but that’s a minor complaint for a movie like Verónica.  Go watch it!

rsz_1rsz_3x3head copy   rsz_1rsz_3x3head copy   rsz_1rsz_3x3head copy   rsz_1rsz_3x3head copy

(4 Out Of 5)

Let’s Have Another Staring Contest…….

Anthony-Hopkins-1978

A bit of a challenge this week – because you have to beat not one, but two sets of eyes! You can do it though.  Just don’t be a dummy and fuck up.  Oh, I should mention that one of your opponents is actually a dummy.  Focus, my friend.  Sir Anthony Hopkins is going to try and break you while gazing into your eyes like a hungry Hannibal Lecter.  I would shift your focus to Fats the ventriloquist dummy, because he looks more weak.  I wish he would close his mouth though because that’s distracting.  Oh wait!  A sexy female ventriloquist dummy just came in the room and Fats looked away!  You win!!  And so does Fats because he’s about to have hot dummy sex in a minute.

Behold! The Best Compilation Clip Montage Of ‘Pieces’ Ever!!

Ok, so I’m a little biased because my friend did this – but, if you love the movie Pieces (and if you don’t, kindly get the fuck off my blog) then you should be entertained by the following compilation of some of the best (and worst) scenes in the movie.  All you need to know is that the ‘tennis scene’ is included.  Oh – and get down to the funky sounds of Ween at the beginning and end of the video too!  And you better like this, or you are nothing but a bastarrrrrrrrrrd!!!!!

I Seem To Have ‘The Brain’ On My Brain…..

Quick.  What’s the best horror movie about a gigantic man-eating brain?!?  Ahhh – if you didn’t say 1988’s Canadian horror yuck-fest The Brain, then you can see yourself out the door.  I hadn’t thought about this movie in ages.  I remember watching the VHS copy when I was like 12.  And although the premise is about as stupid as you would think for an 80’s horror movie (TV show host brainwashes his viewers and plans to rule the world), I dug the hell out of The Brain!

TB1

Cut to why I’m writing about it now, and that would be because one of the best resin toy makers in the game, Deadly Delivery (a collab effort of Retroband and Zectron), recently released a mini version of our favorite man-eating brain!  You can catch a glimpse HERE, but unfortunately it is now sold out.  But it really got me to thinking about this movie.  And it really got me to thinking about how it needs a proper Blu-ray release too.  It never even received a proper DVD release either (sad frowny face).

So let’s all put our brains together and think about how we can make this happen.  More people need to see The Brain!  It’s common knowledge.  Oh, I know what we can do!  We can take it to the streets like they did in the 60’s.  I’m sure no one would be annoyed if I was preaching the greatness of The Brain through a megaphone while shoving clips from the movie in people’s faces as they walk out of Target after shopping.  But until we win the battle of getting this underrated 80’s horror gem it’s Blu-ray due, why don’t you just search on Youtube to watch the movie in full.  I’ll allow it.

Horror Movie Posters I Love: Mortuary (1983)

Show me a good 80’s horror movie poster and I will pretty much be putty in your hands. And speaking of hands, one of my favorite posters from the 80’s horror genre involves a hand!  Yes, the 1983 movie called Mortuary has one of the more striking posters to involve a hand raising up out of a dirt grave.  Check it out below:

mortuary_poster_01

Yeah!  How about that hand?!  Not only is that artwork boner worthy, but the taglines are classic too.  Even the font on the title of Mortuary is making me drool.  And you all know how I love to drool.  This movie is best known for one of the first on-screen performances of the late great Bill Paxton.  And honestly, that’s the only real reason you should seek it out.  But, we’re talking posters here – and the Mortuary poster is top notch Grade A goodness.

I often sit and daydream about if today’s horror movies had posters that looked this good. I really have no life, so I have the time.  Some do go the retro route, but nothing will beat anything from the original decade where a crappy movie could have such a kick-ass poster.  So, kudos to you Mortuary, and all of your snazzy poster artwork and clever taglines.  Oh, and RIP to Bill Paxton.