Review: Revenge (2018)

I never really wanted or felt the need to eat peyote.  That is, until I just watched the new revenge-based movie appropriately titled Revenge.  Because now – I realize that if I have a tree branch sticking out of my stomach, I can just take a healthy dose of peyote and everything will work itself out!  Ok, this isn’t a review for peyote…..this is a review for one of the best (and most brutal) revenge movies I’ve ever seen.  Nope, I’m not hallucinating while I type that.  It’s true.  And I’m going to get into why it’s true right about now.   Continue reading

Sunday Bloody Sunday: ‘Gimme A Hand And A Beer’ From ‘Blood Rage’ (1987)

Oh wow….I didn’t realize how long it’s been since my last incarnation of Sunday Bloody Sunday.  I know you all have been fiending and getting the shakes for a new one, so I am here to bring you joy and good news!  And what a way to come back than with a classic scene from 1987’s Blood Rage, pretty much the only true horror movie based around the holiday of Thanksgiving.

Now – if you haven’t seen Blood Rage, then you are missing out.  I will say however, that if you are a fan of Old Style beer – you might want to look away from this clip because it could be quite disturbing for you.  Fun fact:  My first sip of beer was from a can of Old Style.  What else you need to know about the following clip is that the practical effects are top notch cheese.  God bless, fucking 80’s horror and Blood Rage!  Now watch below.  And RIP to that can of beer.  Oh – and that hand too.

Grab Your Official ‘Dawn Of The Dead’ Trading Cards From ‘Fright-Rags’ Now!!

You’re never too old to collect trading cards.  Especially if they are Dawn Of The Dead trading cards!  Wait.  What?  Yep, that’s right.  Fresh off of their successful Re-Animator trading cards, Fright-Rags recently unleashed a preorder for their Dawn Of The Dead card packs!

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Gotta love that design!  And, as a bonus – each pack will actually glow-in-the-dark.  In addition to getting 9 trading cards and 1 sticker in each pack, you could also receive a randomly inserted artist sketch or chase card as well.  As I mentioned earlier….Fright-Rags released a Re-Animator set last year and having bought more than a few packs myself, I can say that the quality is superb.  I expect the same with these, and you can go over to the Fright-Rags site HERE to order some.  Act fast though, because there are only about 150 single packs left.  You can also buy a sealed box for $120 right HERE as well.

So What Happens If This New ‘Halloween’ Movie Sucks?

Getting your hopes up is a terrible epidemic that affects millions of people every year.  Especially people who are fans of horror movies.  Last year, my hopes were way up for the new incarnation of Stephen King’s IT – and although I liked it, I was not in the majority that LOVED it.  Hence, my hopes were dashed because they were up way too high.  So what happens this year when October 19th rolls around?  Well, it’s my birthday of course!  Oh – not just mine actually…..but a certain mask-wearing/knife-wielding killer from Haddonfield, Illinois named Michael Myers’ as well.  And yes, he comes home on that date in theaters nationwide!

The new Halloween has some interesting twists coming along with it in the writer/director categories.  Directed and co-written by David Gordon Green (Pineapple Express), he isn’t exactly the first choice for a horror movie.  But, I’ll reserve judgement until my peepers see it for myself.  A favorite of mine, Danny McBride, co-wrote it along with Green and Jeff Fradley.  What does all of this mean for the tone?  Who fucking knows.  But what I do fucking know is that John Carpenter IS onboard as a consultant and will do most or all of the music for the movie.  Oh – and did I mention that Jamie Lee Curtis is back reprising her role as Laurie Strode?  I guess I really didn’t need to mention that unless you’ve been living under a rock for the last few months.

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Now, recently some news got out about some early test screenings for Halloween.  And the word was not good.  You can take these opinions with a grain of salt and a Michael Myers grunt, as I will again reserve judgement until I see the final product for myself.  The poster that came out last week was alright, but people were figuratively sucking it off because the mask was shown…..but I kinda thought it didn’t look much different than Rob Zombie’s mask in his Halloween movies (one of the only redeeming qualities btw).  To each his or her own though, the excitement level for Halloween is steadily building steam.  When the trailer drops, so will the horror panties.  I don’t know that the hell that even met.  But anyway…….

So what if it sucks?  What if my hopes are so high, that if it does suck…..I go running out of the theater like a madman and dash into the street without looking and get hit by a car like Ben Tramer???  Oh, let’s hope that doesn’t happen.  And let’s hope that Halloween doesn’t suck, because I really do want to have a good birthday.  We shall see.  And if you want to get me something for my birthday, I’m an extra large.

Review: Mom and Dad (2018)

If you are easily offended and do not like to see children in movies be killed by their parents after having their minds taken over by a static transmission from the TV, then you should probably stay away from the horror/comedy Mom and Dad.  However, if you want to see Nicolas Cage go completely bonkers like only Nicolas Cage can and get chased around the house by an equally bonkers Lance Henriksen……then you need to watch Mom and Dad.  It’s a crapshoot.    Continue reading

Has Anybody Seen My Turkey Baster? (Don’t Breathe – 2016)

You know, I was just talking to my friend the other day and told him that there is an extreme shortage of semen-filled turkey basters in horror movies nowadays.  Luckily for me, I can go back and revisit the solid 2016 horror/thriller flick Don’t Breathe to get my fix.

For those of you who have not seen Don’t Breathe since it’s release two years ago, I guess I kind of sort of already spoiled the fact that there’s a semen-filled turkey baster scene.  But not just any semen-filled turkey baster scene……THE semen-filled turkey baster scene!  Now watch below as Rocky (Jane Levy) gets her revenge with a (you guessed it) turkey baster.

Now the first thing that comes to mind besides mouthwash after I watch that clip, is how fucking good this movie was.  To me, Don’t Breathe lived up to the hype even though it’s not technically a full-blown horror movie.  A sequel seems to be coming, but if you ask me they should just leave it alone.  And speaking of coming, I do wonder if another turkey baster will make it’s way onto the big screen when the sequel does hit.  We can only dream.

On Second Thought: ‘The Relic’ Is A Really Good Creature Feature Horror Movie!

With the abundance of CGI in horror movies nowadays (although there are a few exceptions), it’s nice to take a trip down ‘Practical Effects Lane‘ once in a while and appreciate a simpler time when a movie monster didn’t look like a video game.

Thinking about this, my thoughts transcended me to 1997 for the ‘creature feature’ known as The Relic.  The story is somewhat simple (monster runs amok in a Chicago museum), but what I didn’t necessarily “love” back then when I first watched it – I have grown to appreciate more so here in 2018.  Let’s have a taste below of what I’m talking about:

Oh – slight disclaimer:  There are quite a few beheadings in this movie.  But as you can see from the clip, the practical effects on the monster are rather impressive.  And it will be no surprise to anyone that those effects were done by Stan Winston’s FX company.  I do love me a good ‘creature feature’ movie and love it even more when I can see the work that’s put into creating the monster.  And if you have the same goals while watching a monster movie and you haven’t seen The Relic, then seek it out and enjoy the throwback nature of it.  Did I mention it’s set in Chicago btw???  I’m from that area, so that enhanced my experience.  I’m sure that fact bored the hell out of you.

When Going ‘Ape Shit’ Goes Wrong: Wooley From ‘Dawn Of The Dead’ (1978)

Sometimes there’s a character in a horror movie that we wish would have stayed around  a little longer, just so we could get more of their zany antics.  Case in point:  Wooley from the original Dawn Of The Dead!

Now, slight spoiler alert before you watch the following clip:  Wooley dies.  Yeah, he deserves it.  But man oh man is it fun to watch him go full on ‘ape shit’ before he bites the bullet.  Wooley is a self-proclaimed hothead and doesn’t mind spouting off the occasional racial slur either.  All the more reason that it’s best that Ken Foree takes him down before he could do anymore damage with his gun or his mouth.  So let’s pull up a chair and enjoy Wooley’s final 48 seconds of glory in Youtube form:

Ebay Find Of The Week: 36 Pack Of ‘Freddy’s Bubble Gum’!

Remember that first time you saw the original A Nightmare On Elm Street?  Freddy Krueger was literally something out of a nightmare.  He was creepy, maniacal, and just plain fucking scary.  But as the later NOES sequels went on, Freddy became more cartoonish – like a Three Stooges episode.  His evil was replaced with yucks and bad puns.  And the marketing they did for poor ol’ Freddy around these times?  Oh, the marketing.  Case in point:  Freddy’s Bubble Gum!

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Oh, Freddy :-/  But anyway, my point of this post isn’t to scold those involved with pimping Mr. Krueger out to the world with terrible ideas and concepts – my point for this is to let you know that you can buy that unopened box of Freddy’s Bubble Gum on eBay right now!  Yay?  For those who don’t know – the container is just a plastic tube filled with terrible tasting gum with a picture of Freddy at the top and a “clever” saying attached.  I mean look, it’s nostalgic – even if I don’t agree with the direction they took him.  So, if you want to own this piece of Freddy Krueger nostalgia….then head on over HERE to the eBay listing and snatch it up or make an offer.  I would advise against eating that gum though.

Dirty Horror’s Rapid Reviews: ‘The Ritual’ & ‘Verónica’

What do a best friend hiking trip in Sweden and a bad Ouija board experience during a solar eclipse have in common?  Well, nothing actually – but they are both the premises of two recent horror movies that hit the wonderful world of Netflix.  Let’s start with these poor bastards that did some hiking in Sweden:

The Ritual (2018)

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This one took me by surprise.  A British horror film (directed by David Bruckner) set in Sweden that follows four friends who keep a pact to go on a hiking expedition after another one of their friends was killed six months prior.  Now of course, when you have people hiking in some creepy woods in a horror movie then bad shit’s going to happen.  The rub with The Ritual is that it’s pretty unpredictable.  A hybrid of The Blair Witch Project and The Wicker Man with a little monster action thrown in, this movie is beautifully shot and packs the emotional punch lacking in a lot of horror movies.  It also packs a pretty great literal punch towards the climax.  And The Ritual is creepy.  Did I mention it’s creepy?  Yeah.  Go watch it.

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(4 Out Of 5)

Verónica (2018)

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There have been some decent Ouija board related horror movies throughout the years (Witchboard, Ouija: Origin Of Evil), but none that have really hit me where it hurts like this new offering titled Verónica.  A spanish horror film directed by Paco Plaza (who gave us the impressive Rec franchise) that manages to take the somewhat tired ‘possession’ storyline to new creepy and emotional levels.  The plot is fairly standard (a girl and her friends attempt to use a Ouija board to speak to her dead father during a solar eclipse), but manages to still be riveting.  The acting is superb (especially Sandra Escacena playing Verónica) and Paco Plaza has a knack for utilizing the camera so well, especially during those ‘wait, did I just see something in the background?‘ shots.  I felt it could have been trimmed by about 10 minutes or so, but that’s a minor complaint for a movie like Verónica.  Go watch it!

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(4 Out Of 5)