One of the biggest travesties to come out of this quarantine lockdown besides beating people up for paper towels, is the fact that we cannot go to the movies to watch a horror movie! Oh sure, 2020 brought us The Grudge remake to tide us over earlier in the year. Wait, that just makes it worse! Oh, the horror (or lack thereof).
Unfortunately, we will have to wait to see the Candyman reboot on the big screen. And also A Quiet Place 2. Oh, and Spiral. Omg, and Antlers! No, not Antlers!!! That was actually my most anticipated movie of the year (sorry, Halloween Kills). The truth is, none of us know what the future holds for the rest of 2020 when it comes to horror movie releases. Some might pop up on a streaming site like Shudder. Others might eventually get released into theaters, but with new guidelines to follow the social distancing rulebook.
I for one, can’t wait to get back into a movie theater with my ghoulfriend so we can be interrupted while watching the movie by people looking at their bright-ass phone screen. Or listen to someone talking loudly to the person next to them instead of at least having the common courtesy to fucking whisper a little. Or hear a baby crying during an R-rated horror movie that has several decapitations and bludgeonings. Wait – why the hell do I want to go back into a movie theater again? I dunno. But stay safe, everyone! Especially you ‘loud talkers’ in the theater.
So I’m sitting down and eating some Gorton’s battered fish the other night, and it got me to thinking about I Know What You Did Last Summer. And then that got me to thinking about what a terrible villain Benjamin Willis was. And then THAT got me thinking about the 1986 horror/comedy Blood Hook, and how the killer in that movie is the real #1 ‘killer fisherman’ character of all time! Well, the competition isn’t really steep – given there aren’t many killer fishermen in horror movies. Pretty much just him and Benjamin. But let’s take a peek at Blood Hook!
Sounds like George Takei might have been doing some voiceover work back then. But anyway, that there was the original trailer for Blood Hook – and it was around this time that Troma picked it up for distribution. Sadly and surprisingly, a lot of the gore was cut and therein lied most of the fun with this movie.
But, have no fear! Vinegar Syndrome re-released it a few years ago in all of its original gory giant fishhook glory! You can find a copy HERE or if you want to find a copy with the limited slipcover, then good luck hunting it down on eBay. Give it a watch though – it will definitely have you ‘reeling’. Ugh, that was bad. My apologies. It’s not like I’m on here ‘fishing’ for compliments for my bad humor and puns. Ok, I’m done.
Mother’s Day. The time of the year to show your Mom how much she means to you by getting her some cheap flowers from the grocery store. But Mother’s Day is also the time of the year to remember that scene from John Carpenter’s In The Mouth Of Madness where that creepy little girl says this:
Yes, I know – that’s a random clip to play to correspond with Mother’s Day. But, I was giving In The Mouth Of Madness a re-watch the other night and that scene always creeped me out. Maybe it’s the way she takes that little pause before she says “Today is Mommy’s Day” in that unsettling whisper.
Lots of things creep me out about this movie though (that bike scene forever haunts me), but that little girl needed more screen time. Nevertheless – kudos to In the Mouth Of Madness for being, in my opinion, one of Carpenter’s most underrated films (albeit the plot is a bit of a mess). And an early kudos to the mothers out there (including mine) who tolerated us watching movies like this!
Hey everybody! Welcome to Vomit Talk. I’m your host, Seth Brundle! You might know me from one of the greatest remakes of all time – The Fly! And today, as the title suggested, I want to talk about vomit. Yeah, being a fly is tough. I don’t have any teeth, so I have to find fun new ways to enjoy my meals. Like…..vomiting! Remember that time I did that thing to that guy Stathis in the movie? (audience applause)
Well, let’s reminisce and take a look back at it now!
Hahaha – man, those were some good times! Don’t worry about Stathis though. He survived and even appeared in the inferior (but somewhat fun) sequel! I apologize if my vomiting grossed some of you out while you were eating breakfast. I’m a fly and can’t help it! (audience awwwws)
I will say, that I’m still impressed with the effects that were used in this movie, especially for its time, and to this day I think it’s one of David Cronenberg’s best movies. I’m equally impressed as well with the amount of vomit that came out of my mouth! (audience groans)
So join us next time on Vomit Talk, where I’ll show you what I’m having for dinner. Careful if you’re in the first few rows though, you might get wet and disintegrate! (over-the-top audience laughter and applause)
If you’ve got the quarantine blues, I have come to the rescue with something that I found on eBay guaranteed to provide you with hours of fun! And that something is………an official promotional Ghoulies hand puppet!
Did I say hours of fun? Sorry, I’m a liar. A few minutes is probably a little more accurate. But, if you love Ghoulies – then this is the hand puppet for you! Actually, kind of a lame hand puppet if you think about it. Shouldn’t it just be of the green Ghoulie filling up the whole thing so you could move him around like an actual puppet? But I digress.
It’s still fun and if you’d like to check out more info on it (there’s not really much more than what I told you though, honestly) – you can go HERE and get filled in. Gotta admit though, the “They’ll get you in the end!” tagline was always pretty amazing.
As I sit here in quarantine, I think to myself….what could possibly make this worse. Running out of toilet paper? Running out of oily rags that I could use as mock toilet paper? Or how about being quarantined with the kid from The Babadook!!?? Oh god, no! Anything but that! Well, I will tell you – as much flack as that kid gets (and rightfully so) for being an annoying obnoxious little shit, he’s got nothing on my boy Bob from the 1981 Italian ridiculousness called The House By The Cemetery.
Now, if you’ve seen the movie – then you know all about Bob. A little boy with an uncanny high-pitched (almost middle-aged woman’s) voice that will surely have you looking for cotton to stuff into your abused earholes. It wasn’t all Bob’s fault, mind you – the main culprit was terrible English dubbing (as was the case in a lot of Italian horror movies from the 70’s and 80’s). Now, I must warn you. The clip below is not for the squeamish. I don’t mean because it’s gory, but…..well…..you’ll see (or should I say hear). Take it away, Bob!
Oh you know the Mom wanted to keep his shrill-voice having ass locked in that basement. I ain’t saying that I want a kid to die in a horror movie, but…….I would understand. God bless whoever strung together those clips of dear old Bob for all of us to enjoy on Youtube! Btw – Bob really hit that high note with that scream when he saw the decapitated head, didn’t he??
Well, this post was just to show you that the kid from The Babadook isn’t the only kid in a horror movie that deserves to die a slow agonizing death. I mean that in the kindest, gentlest way possible of course. But go check out The House By The Cemetery on Shudder if you haven’t seen it. Oh, who am I kidding – I just scared everyone away with the 3 1/2 minute Bob-A-Thon.
Shit! April Fool’s Day is almost over and I forgot to talk about my favorite April Fool’s Day themed movie! This might shock you, but the movie is not…….April Fool’s Day. Oh, I enjoy that movie and Biff from Back To The Future is in it and all – but my favorite movie based on April 1st is……..Slaughter High! Which was actually called April Fool’s Day when it was filmed. This is all very confusing. Let’s watch the original trailer!
What the hell is up with that voiceover guy? Is this a horror movie or a wacky 80’s teen sex romp? Nevertheless, that theme music is the shit – and bad voiceover guy aside, Slaughter High is a pretty underrated 80’s slasher movie in my opinion.
It has the classic ‘kid gets bullied and comes back to kill all of his tormentors‘ storyline, some great death scenes (gut-buster anyone?), and a villain that actually could have spawned some sequels had the actor who portrayed him not passed away after the film was shot. Well that was a downer. Ummmmm……how about that theme music?!?!? The lesson in all of this (other than a voiceover guy can use too many bad puns), is to remember Slaughter High when you think of another April Fool’s Day themed movie to watch on April 1st. Did I mention that theme music btw?
“I’m here for the Bliss party.” “Wait, what? It was last month?? Dammit.”
Ah yes, I’m late to another party. But not just any party……the fucking Catalina Wine Mixer! Um, I mean……the Bliss party! Ah yes – Bliss is writer/director Jeff Begos’ third feature film (his first being Almost Human, which honestly I didn’t love). But with this one – Begos gave me a gore boner, and also gave me an eye boner too (if that’s a real thing)…..because those visuals and the overall style and vibe of Bliss left me having Mandy flashbacks (in a good way). I debated throwing a clip from the movie in the post, but check the trailer out instead:
During these ‘end of days’ times we’re living in right now, Bliss was a perfect viewing – not because the subject matter matches our current quarantined conditions, but because it was a brisk and gory good time! Did I mention the music? The vampire aspect? The standout performance of Dora Madison? The gore? (the head snapback got me) And what about George Wendt? (Norm!)
Bliss clocks in around 80 minutes so it doesn’t really have any time to drag around. Once the drugs make an appearance, the vampires aren’t far behind. And from then on, sit back and enjoy the show (and possibly get a seizure from the visuals too). While the storyline sort of made me think of 2015’s The Devil’s Candy (sans vampires of course), Bliss did enough to stand out on it’s own. Being that I’ve already heard good things about Jeff Begos’ new movie VFW, I’m psyched to see not only that – but what he brings in the future as he seems to be hitting his stride. Go check out Bliss on Shudder now! They’re doing a free 30-day promo (Code = SHUTIN) for all my fellow quarantiners. Not sure quarantiners is a word, but it is now.
During these trying times while dealing with the spread of coronavirus, I give you some sage advice: STAY OUT OF CHURCHES! And also, stock up on toilet paper or you’ll be wiping your ass with leaves from outside. But yes, if you believe anything from the 2002 classic 28 Days Later, then you know that you shouldn’t go poking around in churches. Otherwise this might happen:
For my money, this is still one of the most effective scenes EVER (yes, ever) in a horror movie (or, movie in general). Those two dudes that pop up when Jim says “Hello?” still get me shook to this very day and give me the creeps. Hard to believe that we’ll be approaching a 20-year anniversary soon for this movie, as it has aged incredibly well and still remains a revelation for its style and overall influence that it had on the zombie subgenre. But alas, like I said – these are trying times at the moment…..so hunker down, enjoy some good horror, and for God’s sake stay out of the churches!
Dating alllllllll the way back to the 80’s, Testament has remained a fixture to this very day in the thrash metal scene. Definitely one of the more underappreciated bands, they continue to bring it and continue to tour to bring it to YOU. I saw them a few years back, and they blew my mind. And now Testament is embarking on a new US Tour this April, along with Black Dahlia Murder and Municipal Waste, to promote their upcoming album TITANS OF CREATION.
And speaking of the new album, what better way to get my attention than with a horror-themed first track called ‘Night Of The Witch‘? Looking forward to hearing this one live when I see them in Anaheim on the tour, and it makes my anticipation for the album even greater. So just a quick recap: The new Testament album TITANS OF CREATION is out April 3rd everywhere. The US Tour supporting that album kicks off April 20th in Phoenix. And you can follow everything that is Testament right HERE. Now, turn your speakers waaaaaaay up and check out the ‘Night Of The Witch‘ lyric video below.