So What Happens If This New ‘Halloween’ Movie Sucks?

Getting your hopes up is a terrible epidemic that affects millions of people every year.  Especially people who are fans of horror movies.  Last year, my hopes were way up for the new incarnation of Stephen King’s IT – and although I liked it, I was not in the majority that LOVED it.  Hence, my hopes were dashed because they were up way too high.  So what happens this year when October 19th rolls around?  Well, it’s my birthday of course!  Oh – not just mine actually…..but a certain mask-wearing/knife-wielding killer from Haddonfield, Illinois named Michael Myers’ as well.  And yes, he comes home on that date in theaters nationwide!

The new Halloween has some interesting twists coming along with it in the writer/director categories.  Directed and co-written by David Gordon Green (Pineapple Express), he isn’t exactly the first choice for a horror movie.  But, I’ll reserve judgement until my peepers see it for myself.  A favorite of mine, Danny McBride, co-wrote it along with Green and Jeff Fradley.  What does all of this mean for the tone?  Who fucking knows.  But what I do fucking know is that John Carpenter IS onboard as a consultant and will do most or all of the music for the movie.  Oh – and did I mention that Jamie Lee Curtis is back reprising her role as Laurie Strode?  I guess I really didn’t need to mention that unless you’ve been living under a rock for the last few months.

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Now, recently some news got out about some early test screenings for Halloween.  And the word was not good.  You can take these opinions with a grain of salt and a Michael Myers grunt, as I will again reserve judgement until I see the final product for myself.  The poster that came out last week was alright, but people were figuratively sucking it off because the mask was shown…..but I kinda thought it didn’t look much different than Rob Zombie’s mask in his Halloween movies (one of the only redeeming qualities btw).  To each his or her own though, the excitement level for Halloween is steadily building steam.  When the trailer drops, so will the horror panties.  I don’t know that the hell that even met.  But anyway…….

So what if it sucks?  What if my hopes are so high, that if it does suck…..I go running out of the theater like a madman and dash into the street without looking and get hit by a car like Ben Tramer???  Oh, let’s hope that doesn’t happen.  And let’s hope that Halloween doesn’t suck, because I really do want to have a good birthday.  We shall see.  And if you want to get me something for my birthday, I’m an extra large.

Has Anybody Seen My Turkey Baster? (Don’t Breathe – 2016)

You know, I was just talking to my friend the other day and told him that there is an extreme shortage of semen-filled turkey basters in horror movies nowadays.  Luckily for me, I can go back and revisit the solid 2016 horror/thriller flick Don’t Breathe to get my fix.

For those of you who have not seen Don’t Breathe since it’s release two years ago, I guess I kind of sort of already spoiled the fact that there’s a semen-filled turkey baster scene.  But not just any semen-filled turkey baster scene……THE semen-filled turkey baster scene!  Now watch below as Rocky (Jane Levy) gets her revenge with a (you guessed it) turkey baster.

Now the first thing that comes to mind besides mouthwash after I watch that clip, is how fucking good this movie was.  To me, Don’t Breathe lived up to the hype even though it’s not technically a full-blown horror movie.  A sequel seems to be coming, but if you ask me they should just leave it alone.  And speaking of coming, I do wonder if another turkey baster will make it’s way onto the big screen when the sequel does hit.  We can only dream.

On Second Thought: ‘The Relic’ Is A Really Good Creature Feature Horror Movie!

With the abundance of CGI in horror movies nowadays (although there are a few exceptions), it’s nice to take a trip down ‘Practical Effects Lane‘ once in a while and appreciate a simpler time when a movie monster didn’t look like a video game.

Thinking about this, my thoughts transcended me to 1997 for the ‘creature feature’ known as The Relic.  The story is somewhat simple (monster runs amok in a Chicago museum), but what I didn’t necessarily “love” back then when I first watched it – I have grown to appreciate more so here in 2018.  Let’s have a taste below of what I’m talking about:

Oh – slight disclaimer:  There are quite a few beheadings in this movie.  But as you can see from the clip, the practical effects on the monster are rather impressive.  And it will be no surprise to anyone that those effects were done by Stan Winston’s FX company.  I do love me a good ‘creature feature’ movie and love it even more when I can see the work that’s put into creating the monster.  And if you have the same goals while watching a monster movie and you haven’t seen The Relic, then seek it out and enjoy the throwback nature of it.  Did I mention it’s set in Chicago btw???  I’m from that area, so that enhanced my experience.  I’m sure that fact bored the hell out of you.

When Going ‘Ape Shit’ Goes Wrong: Wooley From ‘Dawn Of The Dead’ (1978)

Sometimes there’s a character in a horror movie that we wish would have stayed around  a little longer, just so we could get more of their zany antics.  Case in point:  Wooley from the original Dawn Of The Dead!

Now, slight spoiler alert before you watch the following clip:  Wooley dies.  Yeah, he deserves it.  But man oh man is it fun to watch him go full on ‘ape shit’ before he bites the bullet.  Wooley is a self-proclaimed hothead and doesn’t mind spouting off the occasional racial slur either.  All the more reason that it’s best that Ken Foree takes him down before he could do anymore damage with his gun or his mouth.  So let’s pull up a chair and enjoy Wooley’s final 48 seconds of glory in Youtube form:

Ebay Find Of The Week: 36 Pack Of ‘Freddy’s Bubble Gum’!

Remember that first time you saw the original A Nightmare On Elm Street?  Freddy Krueger was literally something out of a nightmare.  He was creepy, maniacal, and just plain fucking scary.  But as the later NOES sequels went on, Freddy became more cartoonish – like a Three Stooges episode.  His evil was replaced with yucks and bad puns.  And the marketing they did for poor ol’ Freddy around these times?  Oh, the marketing.  Case in point:  Freddy’s Bubble Gum!

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Oh, Freddy :-/  But anyway, my point of this post isn’t to scold those involved with pimping Mr. Krueger out to the world with terrible ideas and concepts – my point for this is to let you know that you can buy that unopened box of Freddy’s Bubble Gum on eBay right now!  Yay?  For those who don’t know – the container is just a plastic tube filled with terrible tasting gum with a picture of Freddy at the top and a “clever” saying attached.  I mean look, it’s nostalgic – even if I don’t agree with the direction they took him.  So, if you want to own this piece of Freddy Krueger nostalgia….then head on over HERE to the eBay listing and snatch it up or make an offer.  I would advise against eating that gum though.

Let’s Have Another Staring Contest…….

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A bit of a challenge this week – because you have to beat not one, but two sets of eyes! You can do it though.  Just don’t be a dummy and fuck up.  Oh, I should mention that one of your opponents is actually a dummy.  Focus, my friend.  Sir Anthony Hopkins is going to try and break you while gazing into your eyes like a hungry Hannibal Lecter.  I would shift your focus to Fats the ventriloquist dummy, because he looks more weak.  I wish he would close his mouth though because that’s distracting.  Oh wait!  A sexy female ventriloquist dummy just came in the room and Fats looked away!  You win!!  And so does Fats because he’s about to have hot dummy sex in a minute.

Behold! The Best Compilation Clip Montage Of ‘Pieces’ Ever!!

Ok, so I’m a little biased because my friend did this – but, if you love the movie Pieces (and if you don’t, kindly get the fuck off my blog) then you should be entertained by the following compilation of some of the best (and worst) scenes in the movie.  All you need to know is that the ‘tennis scene’ is included.  Oh – and get down to the funky sounds of Ween at the beginning and end of the video too!  And you better like this, or you are nothing but a bastarrrrrrrrrrd!!!!!

I Seem To Have ‘The Brain’ On My Brain…..

Quick.  What’s the best horror movie about a gigantic man-eating brain?!?  Ahhh – if you didn’t say 1988’s Canadian horror yuck-fest The Brain, then you can see yourself out the door.  I hadn’t thought about this movie in ages.  I remember watching the VHS copy when I was like 12.  And although the premise is about as stupid as you would think for an 80’s horror movie (TV show host brainwashes his viewers and plans to rule the world), I dug the hell out of The Brain!

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Cut to why I’m writing about it now, and that would be because one of the best resin toy makers in the game, Deadly Delivery (a collab effort of Retroband and Zectron), recently released a mini version of our favorite man-eating brain!  You can catch a glimpse HERE, but unfortunately it is now sold out.  But it really got me to thinking about this movie.  And it really got me to thinking about how it needs a proper Blu-ray release too.  It never even received a proper DVD release either (sad frowny face).

So let’s all put our brains together and think about how we can make this happen.  More people need to see The Brain!  It’s common knowledge.  Oh, I know what we can do!  We can take it to the streets like they did in the 60’s.  I’m sure no one would be annoyed if I was preaching the greatness of The Brain through a megaphone while shoving clips from the movie in people’s faces as they walk out of Target after shopping.  But until we win the battle of getting this underrated 80’s horror gem it’s Blu-ray due, why don’t you just search on Youtube to watch the movie in full.  I’ll allow it.

Horror Movie Posters I Love: Mortuary (1983)

Show me a good 80’s horror movie poster and I will pretty much be putty in your hands. And speaking of hands, one of my favorite posters from the 80’s horror genre involves a hand!  Yes, the 1983 movie called Mortuary has one of the more striking posters to involve a hand raising up out of a dirt grave.  Check it out below:

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Yeah!  How about that hand?!  Not only is that artwork boner worthy, but the taglines are classic too.  Even the font on the title of Mortuary is making me drool.  And you all know how I love to drool.  This movie is best known for one of the first on-screen performances of the late great Bill Paxton.  And honestly, that’s the only real reason you should seek it out.  But, we’re talking posters here – and the Mortuary poster is top notch Grade A goodness.

I often sit and daydream about if today’s horror movies had posters that looked this good. I really have no life, so I have the time.  Some do go the retro route, but nothing will beat anything from the original decade where a crappy movie could have such a kick-ass poster.  So, kudos to you Mortuary, and all of your snazzy poster artwork and clever taglines.  Oh, and RIP to Bill Paxton.

Give Me The Creeps: This New Trailer For ‘Hereditary’

It’s far and between that I watch a horror movie trailer, and then re-watch about five more times quickly after.  Such is the case for the new trailer for the film written and directed by Ari Aster called Hereditary.  Just the tease alone, that you’ll see below, made me want to go take a shower.

Not even sure where to begin with this one.  But first, yes – the buzz is already very strong on Hereditary thanks to it’s screening at Sundance last month.  Being toted as ‘This generation’s Exorcist‘, those are obviously very strong words.  Judging from the trailer though, that might not be crazy talk.

The visuals incorporating the dollhouse into real life are stunning, as is the last half where we see horrible things.  Horrible, horrible things.  A kid bashing his head against a desk, creepy crawlies crawling all over someone, a person engulfed in flames, and some serious chopping with a kitchen knife.  All of this is accompanied by some unnerving music that sets the tone for what this movie experience is going to be like.  Hereditary opens on June 8th.  Make sure you bring an extra pair of underwear to the screening though.  I’m thinking you might need it.