Let’s Have Another Staring Contest…….

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Oh no!  It’s Grandpa from Silent Night, Deadly Night!  This staring contest will be challenging because Grandpa just literally stares ahead most of the time anyway……unless of course he’s talking and scaring the shit out of his grandson, Billy.  Focus!  Stare into Grandpa’s beady little eyes.  Don’t let the smell of Bengay that’s permeating off of his body distract you.  Or the urine smell from his adult diapers.  I said focus, dammit!  Wait – what’s this???  Billy’s brother Ricky just ran behind you and yelled “Garbage Day!” and Grandpa looked away!  You win!  But Ricky loses because Grandpa is now beating him with his cane.

Ebay Find Of The Week: Promotional ‘Sleepwalkers’ Satin Jacket!

What’s the one thing that always turns a lame holiday gift, into an amazing holiday gift. No, not alcohol.  Satin!  Yes, satin – the underrated fabric.  Well, if you’re looking for something incredibly satiny for that special person this year that loves 1990’s horror movies……then I’ve got just the thing for you.  Behold!  A promotional Sleepwalkers satin jacket!

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Ah yes – who wouldn’t love a satin Sleepwalkers jacket?  A great movie, it is not – but a fun one at the end of the day.  I always love perusing around on eBay by the way, looking at all of the old promotional horror movie merchandise that’s up there.  Sometimes you can find some real gems.  Not sure if this satin goodness falls into that category, but it’s a fine jacket.  And it’s only $200!  Wait, wait – come back!  I’m sure the seller will negotiate on the price if you need them to.

You can check out the listing HERE, where you can also see a front view of the jacket on a creepy mannequin wearing a Giants baseball hat for some reason.  Happy Holidays!

Great Moments In Horror Hair History: Stripe From ‘Gremlins’ (1984)

Oh, don’t get your bright lights all up in a bunch.  I know Gremlins might not technically be a ‘horror’ movie, but it definitely had scenes that creeped me out out as a kid (kitchen scene, anyone?)  It is however, undoubtedly a Christmas movie.  Don’t believe me?  Just watch Phoebe Cates recount the heartwarming story about how her Dad once dressed up as Santa and got stuck in the chimney after breaking his neck, leaving a rotting dead corpse smell that would eventually give up the mystery as to where he disappeared to.  But anyway……let’s talk about hair!  More specifically – Stripe The Gremlin!

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Oh yes.  Look at that sweet chalky fluff on top of Stripe’s head.  Now, granted – there’s not much on the sides….but who needs side hair when you have that glorious achievement running straight down the middle!  Unfortunately, Stripe and his luscious locks would meet their demise in a gooey climax that scarred me as a child – but him and his hair will proudly live on.  So please join me in inducting Stripe into the class of Great Moments In Horror Hair History!  Here’s your award, Stripe.  Any words before we go?  “Award…..Caca!

Holy Shit Horror: ‘Senicide Scene’ From ‘Midsommar’ (2019)

**This Post Contains Spoilers**

Ah, Midsommar.  Not quite my favorite horror movie of 2019 – but a damn fine effort and it definitely contained one or two ‘holy shit‘ moments, and made me never want to visit Sweden in the foreseeable future (although I do enjoy meatballs).

Since the movie is still relatively fresh, I don’t want to spoil too much.  But the one scene that really made me say “Holy Shit!“, was when a geriatric man and woman leap off a cliff to go along with the commune customs regarding senicide (the abandonment to death, suicide, or killing of the elderly).

First, the woman goes and the outcome is….ummmmm….rough to watch.  But director Ari Aster doesn’t stop there!  Oh no siree, Bob!  Next, the gentleman takes center stage on top of the cliff and….yeah….also pretty rough to watch.  It takes a lot for me to wince at on-screen violence.  Midsommar combined two winces into one scene.  Bravo.  Watch below, but if you haven’t seen it – you’ve been warned!

Sonofa…….why did I watch that again????  Anyway, go watch Midsommar if you haven’t already.  Hail, Paemon!  Wait, that’s the wrong movie.

Asshole Kids Of Horror: Curtis From ‘Bloody Birthday’ (1981)

Thank God for YouTube, because someone was kind enough to string together some of Curtis’ greatest hits and quips from the 1981 slasher Bloody Birthday.  Oh wait – who’s Curtis, you ask?  Well, he’s one of the three bratty ass kids causing a ruckus because of a solar eclipse or something.

Bloody Birthday is ridiculous, but fun.  And Curtis’ snarky and sassy ways are a big part of that ridiculous fun.  He’s pretty terrible at shooting a gun btw.  Curtis (Billy Jayne) is one of those horror villains that deserves a nasty demise.  Unfortunately, the worst he gets is wrestled to the ground and tied up by one of Mike Seaver’s friends from the TV show Growing Pains (the one not named Boner).  But anyway, please enjoy the Curtis compilation below!

Sunday Bloody Sunday: ‘That Kid On The Bike’ From ‘The Toxic Avenger’ (1984)

“Hi.  My name is Tony, and I’m a Troma-holic.”

“Hi, Tony!!!!” (other Troma-holics)

For those unaware, I’ve been a fan of Lloyd Kaufman and his Troma universe since day one, and I’m a proud Tromite!  So today on Sunday Bloody Sunday, I’m taking it back to when Troma became a household name in 1984 with the b-movie to end all b-movies…..The Toxic Avenger.

Let’s skip the foreplay and just get on with the kid on the bike getting his head run over by a car courtesy of bully Bozo and his cronies.  And if you haven’t seen this movie…..for shame!  Yeah, I’m talking to YOU.

When Conjoined Twins Go Wild: Belial From ‘Basket Case’ (1982)

Man, we’ve all been there:  Fed up with life, the world just constantly beating us down, and our former conjoined twin pushing us to act unruly and trash a hotel room.  Yeah, it pretty much happens every day – especially with cheesy stop motion effects courtesy of the 80’s.

But yes, I’m talking about the movie Basket Case.  A true ‘b-movie’ classic, not just in the form of 80’s horror – but cinema in general.  And one of the more enjoyably ridiculous scenes is when our favorite little wicker basket dweller Belial goes on a rampage and tears apart the hotel room that he and his brother Duane are staying in.  So please, stop what you’re doing and click the link below and enjoy.  Belial would have wanted it that way.

Anticipation Alert: Antlers (2020)

Finally!  A horror movie about a killer moose!  Wait, what?  Antlers is NOT about a killer moose?  Goddammit.  Well, regardless – the new trailer is out and it got that horror bone in my body twitching.  Watch below and let’s discuss afterwards:

Glad to see Felicity still getting some work.  But anyway – kudos to whoever did the sound design and music for the trailer.  And only having one word of dialogue definitely amped the intensity factor.  Obviously, attaching Guillermo del Toro’s name to the project is a plus, but that same name was also attached to Scary Stories To Tell In The Dark (slight eye roll).

Antlers looks like a whole different beast though (literally), and even though the trailer somewhat showed the creature – I’m still super intrigued as to what might be going on. Unfortunately, we will have to wait until next year (more specifically April) to get a better look at that creature and everything else.  Until then, I shall hold out hope for that ‘killer moose’ movie that is just begging to be made.

Who Remembers ‘The Pumpkin Karver’??? No, Seriously – Who?

Quick!  What’s your favorite Halloween-themed movie???  Put your hand down if you’re going to say Halloween.  Or if you shouted, Trick ‘r Treat.  Or if Ernest Scared Stupid is your destiny.  The overwhelmingly obvious answer is The Pumpkin Karver!  Ok, maybe not.  But that was fun for a second.

Ah yes, The Pumpkin Karver.  The 2006 gem of a movie that you can rent now on DVD through Netflix.  Seriously though, why is Netflix still doing the DVD mail-in option?  Just put that shit up to stream!  My anger towards Netflix sidetracked me, but my love for good horror movies did not deter me from watching The Pumpkin Karver one time.  Luckily, someone strung together some of the film’s best (and worst) scenes and bookended it with Ween’s “Where’d The Cheese Go” for some awesome reason.  Click below and enjoy!

Let’s Watch 10 Minutes Of Scissorman From The ‘Clock Tower’ Video Game…….

One of the most frustrating and equally terrifying video games experiences I ever had was when I would sit down and play Clock Tower on my Playstation.  Inspired by Dario Argento films (and you can tell by the dialogue and music alone), Clock Tower made me throw my Playstation controller against the wall numerous times (sorry, wall) – but also made me sweat and nearly pee my pants as well (sorry for the gross visual).

Well, someone was nice enough to put up about 10 minutes of some gameplay from Clock Tower involving our favorite Scissorman stalking his prey.  I’ll admit, the constant clanking of the giant scissors got on my nerves, but the overall stalking element always won me over.

Ok, so from watching that footage – I concluded that:

–  You can fight off a guy holding massive killer sheers with a sheet, umbrella, and a fire extinguisher.  

–  This game has a lot of vomiting. 

–  Don’t hide under a bed from the Scissorman. 

–  The security guard voice over at the beginning is some of the best around. 

–  The scissor clanking is still annoying.