Don’t Miss This ‘Slayer & Lamb Of God’ Tour This Summer!

Has your life been boring lately?  Have you felt the need to get some aggression out?  Are you tired of the current establishment that’s going on in our country right now?  If you answered yes to at least two of those questions, then I have the cure to what ails you: Slayer!  Lamb Of God!  Behemoth!  Yes, those three monumental metal bands are headed out on a US tour this summer – starting July 12th in Bemidji, MN:

slayer_log_behemoth

Yeaaaaaah!  Nothing like an angry Cerberus guarding the ‘Gates Of Hell’ on the flyer to get you even more in the mood for this tour.  Now, personally speaking – I’ve seen Slayer more than a few times…..but it’s actually Lamb Of God that I’m most amped to see because I have unfortunately never experienced them live.  If you want to see if this metal trifecta is heading near your town, then you can go to Slayer’s website HERE or Lamb Of God’s HERE for more info.  Do your part and keep live metal alive and snatch up those tickets!  Devil horns up!!!!!

So………There Was A ‘Phantasm’ Porn Parody Called ‘Phangasm’

If you read the headline and you don’t know about this, just take a minute or two (and grab some Kleenex) and feast your eyes on what’s below:

PHATASM_hardcoreGangbang_poster-SFW

Not much really needs to be said about Phangasm.  It’s a porn parody of Phantasm. Enjoy the poster and seek the movie out, and enjoy watching The Tall Man getting his silver balls fondled.

Creepy Dolls On Seinfeld!

As big of a horror movie fan as I am, I might be an even bigger Seinfeld TV show fan.  And surprisingly, horror did play a part in some ways on the show!  Case in point:  Jerry kept a VHS copy of Child’s Play 2 in his living room.  But more importantly, there were two very creepy dolls that made an appearance throughout the show’s run.  First up – George’s girlfriend Susan’s doll that looked eerily and creepily similar to George’s Mom:

60534202

Gah!  Oh the horror!  Real-life George’s Mom was almost as terrifying, but that replica doll is the stuff that nightmares are made of.  Clearly in the episode, George wanted to get rid of it because it creeped him out so much too – but in the end it was George’s Dad who destroyed it and tore it apart with his bare hands.  20-something year old spoiler alert.  Sorry.  But anyway, she was terrifying – but there was another doll that was possibly even more terrifying and may or may not have had the ability to run.  And that doll would be the ever popular Mr. Marbles!

v06dsoebsfdx-1

Now, even though Kramer had said that Mr. Marbles was harmless – it still had Jerry scared while he was living in Kramer’s apartment (aka The Red Menace).  Jerry even thought he heard Mr. Marbles scurrying across the floor in the middle of the night at one point.  The bottom line in all of this is that ventriloquist dummies and dolls that look like your mother are frightening.  The other bottom line is that Mr. Marbles is a great name.  Sweet dreams, everybody!

That Time That ‘Mannequin Toulon’ Creeped Me Out In ‘Puppet Master II’ (1991)

Mannequins:  Lifeless plastic beings that creep me out a lot more than they should.  I can remember feeling conflicted when I was a young boy and would see nude mannequins in department stores while shopping with my Mom.  Should I have covered my eyes? Should I have opened my eyes wider?  This is going off the rails quickly and I’m losing focus of my original statement, which is that mannequins can be creepy as fuck!  The movie Tourist Trap is good proof of that – but 1991’s Puppet Master II actually has one of the creepiest mannequins ever.  Behold!  Toulon The Mannequin!

puppet-master-2-pic-4

Oh sure – he looks all suave and debonaire there in his fancy tuxedo.  But trust me, don’t let that fool you.  Toulon, if some of you don’t know, created most of the puppets in the Puppet Master franchise and in this particular scenario from Puppet Master II – he was resurrected and has transferred his soul into the mannequin at the end of the movie for some reason (there’s a twisted love story thrown in there somewhere).  Stupid plot aside, Toulon makes a creepy ass mannequin and is worth the price of admission alone to watch the movie in full.  Just don’t go on expecting much more in the series after this, unless of course you are a sucker for terrible sequels? (slowly raises hand)

Monday Bloody Monday: ‘A Tasty Smoothie’ From ‘Captivity’ (2007)

Happy Memorial Day, everybody!  And what better to remember and celebrate, than the infamous ‘blender’ scene from that terrible movie Captivity.  A for certain Saw rip-off, I stumbled upon Captivity for the first time in a long time yesterday on Showtime or something.  Being that I just can’t resist Elisha Cuthbert because of her exceptionally luscious “acting” skills, I had to take a trip down memory lane and re-watch it.

So, welcome to Monday Bloody Monday – where I’m going to probably ruin your breakfast or lunch if you watch the clip below.  Ever wondered what a ‘body part’ smoothie would taste like?  Oh sure, maybe if you added a little lemon juice and strawberries it wouldn’t be so bad, but Elisha Cuthbert’s character in the movie wasn’t so lucky.  Nope.  Instead she gets delicious blended severed ears and whatnot, literally forced down her throat!  Enjoy below – and if you really want to experience torture, then watch the whole movie.

Anticipation Alert: It Comes At Night (2017)

2017 so far has been a pretty righteous year for horror movies.  A little something for everybody both in and out of the cinema is always a plus, and one of the upcoming offerings that I’m most looking forward to is It Comes At Night.  Why, you ask?  Because it has a creepy red door!  And any movie with a creepy red door is ok in my book.  Check out the trailer below:

Paranoia!  That could have probably been another title for this movie since it seems that paranoia runs rampant in this one.  First of all, Joel Edgerton is one of my favorite actors working right now – so you know he’s gonna bring the goods.  And second, that music that kicks in around the second half of the trailer is soooooo good and definitely reminds of the original Evil Dead score in spots (the plucky strings, etc).  But anyway, it looks as though if you were let down horror-wise by Alien: Covenant, then It Comes At Night should satisfy your quench.  Not sure how wide of a release it will get, but it drops on June 9th – so seek it out if you can.  And stay away from red doors!

Dirty Horror’s Rapid Reviews: ‘The Girl With All The Gifts’, ‘Beyond The Gates’, ‘Alien: Covenant’

It’s that time again where I don’t have a lot of time to write full reviews for recent movies that I have had the pleasure of viewing, so I will sum each of them up in a few sentences of my thoughts.  Sound good?  Here we go!    Continue reading

Random 80’s Videos With Zombies: ‘Jeopardy’ By ‘The Greg Kihn Band’ (1983)

Quick!  What’s the best music video that has zombies in it from the 80’s?!?  Most of you just shouted out Michael Jackson’s ‘Thriller‘ which was not only rude, but also incorrect.  Now kindly stop throwing tomatoes at me.  Ok, now that you got that out of your system, I am here to tell you that the answer is definitely ‘Jeopardy‘ by The Greg Kihn Band!

Now before we get onto the feature presentation, let me just tell you that this video is probably one of the reasons I became addicted to MTV in the 80’s.  This one and ‘Legs‘ by ZZ Top of course for obvious reasons.  Is the video dumb with bad acting and bad effects?  Yes.  Is that what makes it amazing though?  Yes and yes.  As an early fan of horror, I was drawn to the horror aspect of it (the skeletons, zombies, giant worm creature, etc) and looking back at it now, it was actually pretty impressive for it’s time.  The video as a whole is basically warning you that marriage sucks btw.  Some fun things to look out for in the video:

*  Greg Kihn’s hair

*  The creepy look on the tall tan guy’s face in the tux at the ceremony

*  The priest’s ‘finger in the hole’ sexual innuendo

*  The best guitar playing with a piece of wood ever

*  The bride looking kinda hot with her Pat Benatar hair

Now enjoy the video for yourself and don’t get married:

Great Moments In Horror Hair History: ‘Chop Top’ From ‘The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2’ (1986)

This version of Great Moments In Horror Hair History is for the ones who might not have the luscious locks that I usually talk about in these posts.  It’s for the ones who wake up everyday and look in the mirror and realize that Fabio’s flowing golden mane is not on their heads.  I am an equal opportunist though, and I wanted to highlight and give praise to someone in horror movie history that had the confidence to make a difference without the having the hair to go with it.  He did have a metal plate in his head though…….

tumblr_inline_mlf7baUNoQ1qg89n0

Chop Top!!!!  Even though the hair is minimal, there’s enough going on to make you take notice.  Maybe not for the right reasons, but you’re taking notice nonetheless.  The metal plate does reflect…..oops, I mean deflect you from focusing on his stringy follicles – but just imagine if Chop Top would have done a shampoo commercial back in the 80’s.  Oh sure – he may have called you a ‘dog dick’ in the process of lathering up his strands, but tell me that wouldn’t have been effective!  So needless to say after gazing up at that pic and taking everything into account, I hereby induct Chop Top into the class of Great Moments In Horror Hair History!  Now can we talk about those teeth?

Monday Bloody Monday: ‘Death By Dildos’ From ‘Deathgasm’ (2015)

Dildos!  Anal beads!  Chainsaws!  If that doesn’t get your attention, then I don’t know what the hell will.  But enough about my personal life, let’s also talk about the movie Deathgasm and why it’s one of the best horror movies in years.  And yeah, it has some dildos in it that are used as weapons against some demons too.

Welcome to Monday Bloody Monday where I am indeed showcasing the scene in Deathgasm where our heroes Zakk and Brodie take on some nasty demons with some rather large dildos, followed promptly by a rather large chainsaw.  Guarantee you haven’t really seen anything like this – so be forewarned before clicking ‘Play’ below.  And don’t watch it at work.  Most companies have a ‘no dildo‘ policy.