Horror Movie Posters I Love: Mortuary (1983)

Show me a good 80’s horror movie poster and I will pretty much be putty in your hands. And speaking of hands, one of my favorite posters from the 80’s horror genre involves a hand!  Yes, the 1983 movie called Mortuary has one of the more striking posters to involve a hand raising up out of a dirt grave.  Check it out below:

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Yeah!  How about that hand?!  Not only is that artwork boner worthy, but the taglines are classic too.  Even the font on the title of Mortuary is making me drool.  And you all know how I love to drool.  This movie is best known for one of the first on-screen performances of the late great Bill Paxton.  And honestly, that’s the only real reason you should seek it out.  But, we’re talking posters here – and the Mortuary poster is top notch Grade A goodness.

I often sit and daydream about if today’s horror movies had posters that looked this good. I really have no life, so I have the time.  Some do go the retro route, but nothing will beat anything from the original decade where a crappy movie could have such a kick-ass poster.  So, kudos to you Mortuary, and all of your snazzy poster artwork and clever taglines.  Oh, and RIP to Bill Paxton.

Horror Movie Posters I Love: The Beast Within (1982)

One of the strangest (and somewhat entertaining) movies I remember witnessing in the 80’s was The Beast Within.  Granted, I was only 6-years-old when this movie came out so I didn’t get a chance to go to the theater and see it.  Had I been old enough though, I would have seen a poster in the lobby for the film warning me:  BEWARE! This Motion Picture Contains Scenes Of Graphic And Violent Horror.

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A tactic commonly used for older horror films, the warning shown on the poster would have only made me want to see The Beast Within even more.  Hence why I love this particular poster.  Not only that, I love the color contrast of the red and black and also the font for ‘Beast‘ written across the silhouetted outline of Michael about to transform into Billy.  Slight spoiler alert there.

Another spoiler alert would be that there’s an uncomfortable rape scene towards the end of the movie.  Kudos to The Beast Within for using practical effects btw, even if it evokes more laughter than terror.  Don’t believe me? Check out the legendary (I like to throw that term around loosely) transformation below, and if that doesn’t sell you on the movie – nothing will.

Hey! That Horror Movie Poster Has My Name On It! (Xtro – 1983)

Well, I took about a week’s hiatus from writing and decided to come back with a ridiculous post about horror movie posters that have my first name on them. Nothing but the best bottom-of-the-barrel writing here, folks!  Oh, but it’s not just any movie or movie poster that I’m talking about.  It’s none other than the 1983 British alien horror movie Xtro!!!!

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See, my name is Tony.  And in the poster up there, in case you couldn’t see the large font, it says “When Tony grows up, he’s going to be just like Daddy!“. So naturally when I was younger and saw this, I got excited since me and the kid in the movie apparently had the same name.  And then I watched the movie and was less excited.  Actually, I take that back.  Xtro is pure entertaining horror movie trash and it should be praised for that.

Do you want to see an alien rape a woman?  Xtro has you covered!  Want to see a woman give birth to a full-grown alien man?  Xtro has that too!  In fact, the more that I think about it, Xtro has everything you could possibly want in an 80’s horror movie!  Including my name as a character in the movie and on the poster like I’ve already mentioned a few times.  Now I know what you’re thinking……How does a woman give birth to a full-grown man?  I wouldn’t leave you hanging with that inquisition, so check out the clip below to see!

Horror Movie Posters I Love: Creepers (1985)

Movies with two names kind of annoy me.  But so is usually the case when we’re talking about the Italian horror genre.  No matter if you want to call Dario Argento’s 1985 psychic/insect movie Creepers or Phenomena, it has one of the best posters EVER!

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Now for whatever reason, there is a version of this poster that isn’t exposing Jennifer Connelly’s half-decaying bug face, but clearly the un-edited version is the keeper here.  The image above is actually an ad for the promotion of the VHS version of Creepers, but the tagline on the original poster is “It Will Make Your Skin Crawl“.  Fitting, considering there are a bunch of bugs flying around that could actually make your skin crawl.

I have to confess that I haven’t seen this movie in years.  And after looking at this poster again, I definitely need to revisit it.  Not only does it have the late great Donald Pleasence in it, but how the fuck can you go wrong with a movie that has Iron Maiden and Motorhead on the soundtrack?  Another thing that this poster is making me realize is that we need more horror movies about bugs.  Whether it’s spiders, cockroaches, or maybe a random remake of 1988’s movie about killer slugs appropriately titled Slugs – everyone can relate to bugs!  Get on that Hollywood.  Until then, it’s off to Amazon to purchase Creepers or Phenomena or whatever the hell you want to call it.

Horror Movie Posters I Love: I, Madman (1989)

What the hell happened to the good horror movie posters?  They seem far and between now unfortunately, which is pretty depressing since they’re sometimes the best thing about a movie.  Not the case with the cinematic gem I’m highlighting this time around on ‘Horror Movie Posters I Love‘ though.  Ladies and gentleman, I present to you the poster for the 1989 underrated slasher flick:  I, Madman

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I used to have this poster hanging on my closet door when I was 13 years old.  True story.  Now, I could honestly go on and on about my love for the actual movie, but I’m focusing on the poster here.  It’s captures exactly what the film is about in it’s style and even has a couple cheesy 80’s taglines to round the awesomeness out.  I’m always a sucker for a good hypodermic needle too.  I, Madman is a fairly original horror gem if you haven’t seen it, and this poster does the movie tons of justice.  Seek the movie out if you can my friends (you can find a cheap copy on Ebay), and until then just keep dazing up at that horror poster goodness.

Horror Movie Posters I Love: Ghoulies (1985)

I love a good pun.  And something that I love even more than good puns are slimy green creatures with bad teeth that stick their heads up out of toilets.  So, naturally it was a win-win situation for me when I first gazed upon the poster for Ghoulies back in 1985.

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Take a good look at that beauty of a poster……because the actual movie is pretty awful so the poster is really all that we have going for us unfortunately. Yes, Ghoulies as a film is not good.  But dammit if those involved with the marketing knocked it out of the park, because the poster and cover art for the VHS lured people into watching this crap.  Sure, it’s an 80’s guilty pleasure to some and uncomfortable toilet paper to others – but you can’t deny the sheer genius of the tagline ‘They’ll Get You In The End!” along with the image of that green Ghoulie coming out of the crapper.  Speaking of crap and crappers, they rode that toilet theme all the way to Ghoulies III: Ghoulies Go To College. That’s right….they actually went to college.

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When The Poster Is Better Than The Movie: Mountaintop Motel Massacre (1986)

Let that baby sink in for a minute.  Now that’s a cheesy 80’s horror movie poster!  Effective to say the least, the poster for 1986’s Mountaintop Motel Massacre brought the goodness.  Unfortunately, the movie was straight doodoo.

The plot involves a crazy old lady named Evelyn who murders people who stay at her motel.  And how does she do this?  By popping up from secret contraptions via a tunnel in the guest’s rooms and dropping off rattlesnakes, cockroaches, and rats.  And she swings a mean little sickle too.  Albeit she swings it very, very slowly and it boggled my mind how some of these grown ass men didn’t just kick her old ass down before she ended up stabbing them. Oh well.

Did I mention there’s a black guy named Crewshaw (yes, Crewshaw) who has some snappy dialogue and zingers throughout the movie?  Case in point: Crewshaw is awoken by having about fifty cockroaches crawling all over him thanks to Eveyln and promptly let’s off this jewel – “They shoulda called this a roach motel!“.  Oh, that Crewshaw!  Too bad he gets his hand chopped off and throat slit later.

My biggest reason why the poster for Mountaintop Motel Massacre is better than the actual movie is the classic case of ‘bait and switch’.  Unless my eyes are foggy, the crazy woman on the poster is that the same crazy woman in the movie.  False advertising!  For shame.  And the debate can rage on about whether or not I’ve proven my point with all of this, but there is one thing that I know we can all agree on:  Crewshaw and his awesome name will forever be missed.  RIP.