Ah yes, one of my favorite guilty pleasures is back: Finding old Siskel & Ebert horror movie reviews on Youtube! Sometimes these two would surprise me with their views on 80’s and 90’s horror……and then other times things would go as according to plan. Such was the case with the 1988 review of Hellhound: Hellraiser II. Peep the video below and take a toboggan slide into hell…….
Well clearly all those involved with this movie missed an opportunity to call it Skinned Alive…..at least according to the late great Gene Siskel. Now granted, I didn’t expect these two to like Hellraiser II – but it always tripped me out with how ‘out of touch’ they sounded with most horror movies they reviewed. Easily my favorite bit from this particular review was Mr. Ebert proclaiming his annoyance with Kirsty (Ashley Laurence) and Tiffany’s (Imogen Boorman) names being said too much in the film (lol)! I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again by the way, if you are ever in need of an escape from reality……go on Youtube and watch Siskel & Ebert review old horror movies. It’s the gift that keeps on giving.
Ok, so I’m a little biased because my friend did this – but, if you love the movie Pieces (and if you don’t, kindly get the fuck off my blog) then you should be entertained by the following compilation of some of the best (and worst) scenes in the movie. All you need to know is that the ‘tennis scene’ is included. Oh – and get down to the funky sounds of Ween at the beginning and end of the video too! And you better like this, or you are nothing but a bastarrrrrrrrrrd!!!!!
Show me a good 80’s horror movie poster and I will pretty much be putty in your hands. And speaking of hands, one of my favorite posters from the 80’s horror genre involves a hand! Yes, the 1983 movie called Mortuary has one of the more striking posters to involve a hand raising up out of a dirt grave. Check it out below:
Yeah! How about that hand?! Not only is that artwork boner worthy, but the taglines are classic too. Even the font on the title of Mortuary is making me drool. And you all know how I love to drool. This movie is best known for one of the first on-screen performances of the late great Bill Paxton. And honestly, that’s the only real reason you should seek it out. But, we’re talking posters here – and the Mortuary poster is top notch Grade A goodness.
I often sit and daydream about if today’s horror movies had posters that looked this good. I really have no life, so I have the time. Some do go the retro route, but nothing will beat anything from the original decade where a crappy movie could have such a kick-ass poster. So, kudos to you Mortuary, and all of your snazzy poster artwork and clever taglines. Oh, and RIP to Bill Paxton.
This version of Great Moments In Horror Hair History is for the ones who might not have the luscious locks that I usually talk about in these posts. It’s for the ones who wake up everyday and look in the mirror and realize that Fabio’s flowing golden mane is not on their heads. I am an equal opportunist though, and I wanted to highlight and give praise to someone in horror movie history that had the confidence to make a difference without the having the hair to go with it. He did have a metal plate in his head though…….
Chop Top!!!! Even though the hair is minimal, there’s enough going on to make you take notice. Maybe not for the right reasons, but you’re taking notice nonetheless. The metal plate does reflect…..oops, I mean deflect you from focusing on his stringy follicles – but just imagine if Chop Top would have done a shampoo commercial back in the 80’s. Oh sure – he may have called you a ‘dog dick’ in the process of lathering up his strands, but tell me that wouldn’t have been effective! So needless to say after gazing up at that pic and taking everything into account, I hereby induct Chop Top into the class of Great Moments In Horror Hair History! Now can we talk about those teeth?
Ahhhh…..the good ol’ days of browsing the video store and picking up any and every VHS copy of a horror movie. Some I rented, some I put back down. But if I did pick it up, chances are that it had something deliciously sweet on the cover art. I never rented the movie that I’m about to talk about, but I did recently watch it on Amazon Prime. And that movie is called Offerings – a 1989 (looks older than that) slasher/comedy that sucks off John Carpenter’s Halloween hard (among other slasher movies as well) and might be one of the best worst horror movies ever!
Let’s get down to business though. Take a look at the original VHS cover art:
Now, from looking at that cover you would think you would be in store for some great slasher goodness, right? Even the tagline ‘Remember him before he dismembers you!” is pretty snazzy. And my eyes keep going back to the great artwork of the guy holding the gift dripping with blood. I bet the ‘offerings’ they’re speaking of are people’s severed body parts!
Offerings is pretty much the stereotypical ‘bully gets revenge’ horror movie. Not that it’s a bad thing mind you – but what is bad is the acting, the camera work, the soundtrack, and pretty much everything else in it that borrows super heavily from Halloween. But……therein lies the charm, my friends! Offerings is a terrible movie – no doubt about that. It’s the kind of bad that is best viewed with a group of friends either stoned and/or ridiculously drunk. If you’re a fan of horror movies with bad puns btw, then this will hit all of the right spots and give you a horrorgasm. Enjoy the trailer below for proof, but don’t forget to glance back up at that surprisingly good VHS cover art before you leave the post!
Apologies for the lame ‘stealing breath’ reference in the post title. But anyway, if you’re familiar with Retroband (The company that has made numerous awesome horror themed figures over the last few years), then you should know that they have an offshoot project entitled Deadly Delivery going on where mini figures have been produced of everything from the Necronomicon book of Evil Dead fame to Belial from Basket Case. And coming soon……….drumroll please……….The little troll from Cat’s Eye!
Alright! No word on what color it will be painted or anything, but I would be cool with that clay-colored version personally. This was posted on the Deadly Delivery Instagram page a few weeks ago, so if you want to follow the updates then you can do so HERE. On a sidenote, I really need to revisit Cat’s Eye soon. It was always a favorite of mine growing up, and holds a special place in my PG-13 horror heart. Stay tuned for more info on the mini troll figure from Deadly Delivery and make sure to hold your breath after you order it. Had to get one more lame ass reference in there.
Here’s a fun little story: I remember being a kid, we’ll say I was about 8-years-old. I woke up in the middle of the night and went out into the living room and my Mom was watching TV. I asked her what she was watching – and she said “Some movie called Humongous. Now get your ass back to bed”. And that’s how I learned about the 1982 horror movie called Humongous!
But I’m not here to talk about my Mom scolding me for being up in the middle of the night while she caught up on her random 80’s horror movies. I’m here to talk about the awesomeness of the poster for Humongous.
Now is Humongous a good horror movie? Nope – hardly not. But it does get to brag and boast about it’s poster which has a pretty great tagline: It’s loose….It’s angry….And it’s getting hungry! I love me a good tagline. I also love the baby building blocks that spell out the name of the movie as well. Sure it’s cheesy, but I don’t mind cheese. Especially cheddar. Do you need to seek out Humongous and watch it? Probably not. But you can gaze your eyes upon that poster and realize and understand why 80’s horror was just so great. Viva la 80’s horror! Btw – what the hell was my Mom watching this movie for?
While being bored on a Friday night recently, I discovered the 1987 horror/comedy slasher Slaughterhouse. It’s a charming little story about a father and son who own a, you guessed it…..slaughterhouse! They’re in danger of losing it to some big shots in town, so of course they decide to kill everyone to get even. Hilarity (both intentional and not) ensues, and I have to say that it was actually a refreshing watch.
Sooooooo, welcome to Monday Bloody Monday where I’m going to highlight a scene from the movie where Buddy Bacon (of course that’s his name) and his dimwitted son Lester take justice into their own hands and into their own meat grinder. Gotta love Buddy’s facial expressions during this scene. God bless 80’s horror and god bless Slaughterhouse! Oh – I almost forgot! I’m going to include a special PSA from the movie that warns you about smoking in the movie theater. Because that apparently happened in the 80’s. Enjoy!
Here we go with one of my favorite recurring posts about VHS horror movies that I wish I would have rented, but never did. Now – there is one movie that always sticks out in my head that I passed over in my many trips to my local Mom & Pop video stores in the 80’s. The cover was enticing. The tagline was even more enticing. But yet I wasn’t enticed enough to ever rent it. And that movie is……………Junior!
Sorry for the subpar quality pic – it’s the best that Google Images could offer. But anyway, I can’t tell you how many times I picked up the VHS copy of Junior and put it down. The artwork is actually pretty sweet considering this was 1985. The burning boat in the background is intriguing as well because it makes me want to know why the boat is on fire and who is in the boat when it’s on fire. Genius marketing on their part. Considering I still haven’t seen Junior, I have no real clue as to what it’s about other than that it’s going for the ‘Texas Chainsaw Massacre knock-off‘ gold. Good thing we have IMDB to clarify about the plot:
K.C. and Jo are two hardened female ex-cons who decide to build a marina on a lake in backwoods Texas to start a life for themselves, only to be hassled by the redneck locals who do not like outsiders, and that the lakeshore is their own regular hangout. But K.C. and Jo’s worst troubles come from Junior, a slow-witted psycho redneck who gets the ok from his equally demented mother to kill the two.
Oooooh – two hardened female ex-cons, huh? I see Caged Heat potential sex going on here. And what a shocker – redneck locals who don’t like outsiders and a psycho redneck with a psycho mother. Nevertheless…………….oh wait – BREAKING JUNIOR NEWS! Here’s another poster that popped up on Google Images:
Ehhhhhhh. I’ll stick with the original artwork. As much as I love seeing Junior in his wife beater overcompensating for his probable small penis with his large chainsaw, the original cover art is far superior. And how the hell do you leave ‘The‘ out of ‘Friday The 13th‘ at the top of the poster? Nice touch using the chainsaw as an ‘I’ in the title though. For those curious about this movie (and how the hell could you not be?), there’s a full version up on Youtube. Let’s all waste an hour and a half of our lives together and see what kind of wacky situations Junior gets himself in…….
One of the strangest (and somewhat entertaining) movies I remember witnessing in the 80’s was The Beast Within. Granted, I was only 6-years-old when this movie came out so I didn’t get a chance to go to the theater and see it. Had I been old enough though, I would have seen a poster in the lobby for the film warning me: BEWARE! This Motion Picture Contains Scenes Of Graphic And Violent Horror.
A tactic commonly used for older horror films, the warning shown on the poster would have only made me want to see The Beast Within even more. Hence why I love this particular poster. Not only that, I love the color contrast of the red and black and also the font for ‘Beast‘ written across the silhouetted outline of Michael about to transform into Billy. Slight spoiler alert there.
Another spoiler alert would be that there’s an uncomfortable rape scene towards the end of the movie. Kudos to The Beast Within for using practical effects btw, even if it evokes more laughter than terror. Don’t believe me? Check out the legendary (I like to throw that term around loosely) transformation below, and if that doesn’t sell you on the movie – nothing will.