On Second Thought: I Regret Never Renting ‘Slaughterhouse Rock’ (1988)

Growing up, I pretty much lived at the video store.  Mind you, this is when VHS rentals were all the rage and I was raging like a motherfucker.  I would rent five, sometimes even ten horror movies at a time and just binge watch.  There were always some movies that slipped through the cracks though and I never bothered to rent them.  1988’s Slaughterhouse Rock was one of those:

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Wait.  It had a killer soundtrack by Devo?!?!  Goddammit.  I think what always threw me off about this movie was the title.  I wasn’t much into showtunes back then and still am really not today, so the name Slaughterhouse Rock made me think that there was going to be a lot of fingersnapping and dancing going on for some reason.  Perhaps I was hasty with my decision, especially after finding out this clip below on Youtube that I’m assuming is a part at the end of the movie that decided to include a compilation of some of the awesomeness that occurred earlier.  Or maybe it was foreshadowing which wouldn’t make much sense, because then you would already see things that were going to happen and that would ruin the surprise, you know?  Oh who cares – just watch the clip:

I know what you’re thinking.  That woman who was doing the resurrection of the soul dance looks awfully familiar.  Come to find out that it’s none other than Toni Basil!  Who the hell is Toni Basil, you ask?  Oh, she only had one of the biggest songs from the 80’s called “Mickey”, that’s all.  Apparently he was so fine that he blew her mind.  But anyway, she’s in Slaughterhouse Rock and Devo has a killer soundtrack on it.  That’s full blown 80’s overload if you ask me and more than enough to make me hunt this down and watch it.  No DVD/Blu-ray version exists, but there is a full Youtube version up online if you’re like me and want to bust your virgin Slaughterhouse Rock cherry.

I Just Can’t Get Enough Of ‘The Stuff’ Fake Commericals!

If I’m making a list of my favorite horror movies from the 80’s, then The Stuff is going to be high on that list.  Hey, don’t scoff at that!  The Stuff is quintessential viewing, especially if you’re high or if you’re a Garrett Morris fan. Now, I could go on and on about Chocolate Chip Charlie, but I want to focus on the fake commercials that were in the movie.  You really can’t go wrong with Abe Vigoda and the ‘Where’s The Beef?‘ lady, can you?

Enough is never enough!  Enough is never enough!”  Oh sorry.  I got carried away with that catchy theme song.  Did you ever really wonder what The Stuff really tasted like by the way?  I always envisioned it to be a mixture of marshmallow fluff and toothpaste, which doesn’t sound entirely appetizing, but it could have been delicious.  And speaking of delicious, how about I take us out of this post with another fake commercial starring a woman who could possibly be a man or maybe inhaled a little too much helium before the shoot.

Give Me The Creeps: The Curse (1987)

You would think that being a farmer would have it’s advantages…..like being able to eat corn whenever you want or ride a tractor at night just for the fuck of it.  But farming isn’t all unlimited delicious fruit and games.  Sometimes, if you’re not careful – a storm will come and unleash a suspicious glowing force onto your farm and your family.  And then you’ll turn into a bunch of pus-faced monsters and that’s never good.  Oh – and your fruit and vegetables will have worms in them too.  Bummer!

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I have to give it up to the 1987 underrated gem, The Curse.  I was pretty confident that I would never be creeped out by a horror movie that took place on a farm.  But dammit if this didn’t give me the creeps as a kid and still does today.  Thanks to The Curse, I always hesitate slightly before biting into an apple.  Fun fact btw:  I actually did bite into an apple when I was younger and it was full of worms.  That was before this movie, but maybe it was a prophecy that I would some day see a movie that would make me revisit my fear of wormy apples.  Whatever the case, The Curse is definitely one of those little horror movies that has some big creepy moments.  And it has John Schneider from The Dukes Of Hazzard to boot!  Check out the clip below to see some of the aforementioned creepiness:

The Most Sensitive Murderous Demon Ever: Rawhead Rex (1986)

I always felt like Rawhead Rex should have had his own theme song.  Perhaps a bouncy jingle that mentions how he enjoys baptizing priests with his urine, or maybe it could focus on what a misunderstood nice guy he is!  Case in point – this emotional scene where he realizes that killing a pregnant woman does more harm than good.  Get your tissues ready……

What a sensitive murderous demon.  You could tell that he just wanted to rip that fetus right out and perform some kind of amazing juggling act with it, but he didn’t.  His emotions took over and Rawhead Rex realized that he does indeed have a line that he won’t cross.  It was moving.  It was tear-jerking.  And it almost made you forget that he pissed all over that priest.  Almost.

Give Me The Creeps: The Opening Scene From ‘Children Of The Corn’ (1984)

Growing up living next to a cornfield, there were always certain things that worried me.  What if the scarecrows came to life and attacked my house in the middle of the night?  Or what if I was running through the cornfield chasing after a baseball and one of the cornstalk leaves accidentally slit my throat? Better still – what if a group of kids in town decided to murder all of the adults to ensure a successful corn harvest and sacrifice someone in the cornfield to appease a God called ‘He Who Walks Behind The Rows‘?  That last one sounds like something from a movie.  Oh – it is from a movie!  Duh.

When the movie adaptation of Stephen King’s short story for Children Of The Corn came out in 1984, I remember watching it on cable around that same time as a young boy.  I had just started getting into horror movies, so I was adventurous and hadn’t really been affected by anything except maybe the truck explosion scene in George Romero’s Night Of The Living Dead.  But dammit if that opening scene to Children Of The Corn still doesn’t fuck me up:

Three things come to mind when I watch that clip:

–  The coffee in Gatlin, Nebraska is pretty terrible.  

–  Milkshake whipped cream mustaches are funny even during mass murders.

–  If you need to test the effectiveness of your meat slicer, put someone’s hand in it. 

Now unfortunately, the rest of the movie didn’t live up to the hype of the opening scene.  Sure, we get a pretty good bad guy in Isaac and get a classic line from his right hand man Malachai (“Outlander!!!!!  We have your woman!”) – but overall everything was downhill after the intro for the most part.  But what an intro it was, and it’s quite the high honor that it kind of still gives me the creeps.  So to recap, Children Of The Corn opening scene = good.  The rest of Children Of The Corn = not so good.  Now let’s see a pic of Malachai’s luscious red hair to round this sucker out.

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God Bless The Greatness That Is Called ‘Psycho Cop’

In 1988 when Maniac Cop was released, most horror fans thought they had seen the greatest killer cop movie of all time.  Yes, I’m embellishing that quite a bit, but just go with it for the time being.  And then 1989 came and with that also came the birth of Psycho Cop!  That’s right – Psycho Cop….the clear and obvious knockoff of Maniac Cop, but with more cheese.  I do love me some extra cheese.

If ever there was a movie that needed to be released on Blu-ray, it’s Psycho Cop.  Officer Joe Vickers (Robert R. Shafer) is not to be fucked with and it’s a monumental performance for the ages of horror cinema.  If you couldn’t already tell, I like to make things sound much bigger and better than they actually are.  Who are we kidding…..Psycho Cop is pretty terrible, but in the best way possible.  It’s pure ‘alcohol consumption necessary’ viewing and needs to make no apologies for that.  And I bet that you’ll be saying the joke “What has 18 legs and 2 tits?” at the next party you attend.

 

Horror Hijinx: ‘Sally’s Demon Transformation’ From ‘Demons 2’ (1986)

Who needs a college football championship game when you have the amazingly bad Demons 2?  Yes, last night I revisited the sequel to one of my all-time favorite horror movies ever, 1985’s Demons.  Oh sure, Demons is not Academy Award level cinema by any means – but it’s fun, gory as hell, and has a great soundtrack.  And it has Bobby Rhodes.  I hadn’t watched Demons 2 in a long time, so imagine my pleasant surprise that I was inspired enough the morning after to write this post.

Hilarious bad dubbing aside (as with most Italian horror movies), Demons 2 has an arsenal of ‘so bad it’s good’ moments.  And thankfully after watching this movie again, I now have an arsenal of content for my site in the near future.  It’s clear from the get-go, that Demons 2 is the red-headed stepchild of Demons.  And it’s ok with that, which makes it even better.  Oh I’ll talk about the dog transformation scene, the baby demon scene, and even the reemergence of actor Bobby Rhodes as a gym instructor at a later date – but today it’s all about Sally’s demon transformation scene:

Oh lord.  Now you know you can’t help but laugh when that prop head of Sally pops up.  This sequel pretty much tries to follow Demons beat for beat, as Sally’s transformation (especially the teeth part) mimics Carmen’s from the original almost to a tee.  The effects are definitely cheaper this time around, but it works because the movie itself is, well…..cheap.  God bless the 80’s though, because it was acceptable to be and look cheap back then, especially in horror movies.  Therein lies the charm, my friends.  And Demons 2 is full of it.  Charm that is.

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Horror Movie Posters I Love: Blood Beach (1980)

I’ve always been a bit scared of going into the ocean and I guess I have Jaws to thank for most of that fear.  Truth be told though, I think I’m more scared of jellyfish.  But what about the sand????  What if something besides crabs lurked in the sand????  Newsflash in case you didn’t know, but in 1980 there was a movie called Blood Beach that explored that very thought.  It’s a ‘so crappy, so good’ type of movie, but boy oh boy – what a poster it had!

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She’s really selling that ‘Oh my god I’m being swallowed into the sand!‘ expression, isn’t she?  Kudos on the Jaws-biting tagline btw.  This was at the beginning of the booming 80’s horror craze where basically anything went. Including killer sand apparently.  Gotta love it though, and I absolutely LOVE this poster!  It embodies everything that was great about 80’s horror movies and it definitely catches your eye for more than one reason.  That’s a pretty snazzy purple leopard-print bikini by the way.  Go seek out Blood Beach if you haven’t seen it (screen vets John Saxon and Burt Young are involved), and I apologize if I’ve given you Eremikophobia.  That’s the fear of sand – see, you learned something from this post.

Horror Hijinks: The Guy Who Ate The Quarter In ‘C.H.U.D.’ (1984)

I think we’ve all probably tried different diets throughout our life to help get our bodies a little thinner.  But did you know that one of the secret remedies to lose weight is eating quarters?  It’s true!  Just ask this random guy in a Lacoste polo shirt from the 1984 horror flick, C.H.U.D.

Not only did he chow down on that dirty quarter from the payphone, he proceeded to have a not-so-intimidating staring contest with Daniel Stern afterwards.  Definitely a true WTF moment and one that belongs in a movie like C.H.U.D. for sure.  How hard do you think it is to pass a quarter after you eat it btw?

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