When Old Ladies And Beetles Attack: Prince Of Darkness (1987)

I just had the pleasure of seeing John Carpenter perform his music live last night (on Halloween nonetheless) for the second time in 2 years.  And just like the first time, when I walked away from the concert I thought about one of his movies.  And thinking about that movie made me think about an old lady with scissors in her hand.  And it also made me think about a bunch of black beetles, but my thoughts had nothing to do with a mannequin challenge.  What the hell am I babbling about?  Well, this clip from Prince Of Darkness of course!

Prince Of Darkness is probably my favorite ‘least favorite’ John Carpenter movie.  The plot and pacing is all over the place.  But it has Alice Cooper in it.  And it also has the clip above and many more like it that honestly rank up there with Carpenter’s creepiest throughout his career.  This clip with the old lady attacking that poor bastard with the scissors definitely has an Argento vibe to me (the close up on the scissors before they strike down), even though I feel there should have been more blood on the scissors – but I digress. Nitpicking is an art.

The point is, that I think every time I do watch Prince Of Darkness – I like it more.  It’s a grower, and not an immediate shower for me.  Oh – and go check out Mr. Carpenter on his current tour supporting is new Anthology album.  Where else are you going to hear the theme from Vampires live, after all?

Dirty Horror Memory Lane: Over-Exaggerated 80’s Horror Movie Testimonials!

Ahhhh – The 80’s.  A glorious time when if you were on the fence about seeing a horror movie, luckily you had TV spots like the one below to sway you into plunking down your hard-earned money.  Did you ever see the 1986 movie Critters or maybe you haven’t and still want to?  This will steer you in the right direction!  And it’s not phony.  At all!

Now, to be fair – I actually like Critters.  But I don’t necessarily know if it’s a “scream through the whole thing” kind of horror movie.  It is true that they love to party too though! But anyway, TV spots like this were the norm back then – and not just for horror movies. Looking back at them now, it’s a nice slice of nostalgia and things like this always take me back to a simpler time in the horror world.  Kudos to whoever uploads this content btw, because I love having my ‘memory lane’ horror brain jarred from time to time.

Sunday Bloody Sunday: ‘Murderous Mirror’ From ‘Death Spa’ (1989)

Have you ever been in your gym having a nice workout and wondered if it was possessed?  Maybe the bad body odor going through the air can play tricks on your mind, making you think that something is controlling everyone’s smelly armpits.  Well, I’m here to tell you that your gym probably isn’t haunted.  But in the 1989 horror movie Death Spa (also awesomely known as Witch Bitch), there is a haunted gym/spa and it’s killing people in fun ways!

Welcome to Sunday Bloody Sunday, where I am indeed highlighting the movie Death Spa.  A first-time watch for me recently, this movie is pure 80’s horror cheesy greatness.  How I let this one slip by me for this long is beyond me.  And one of the things that makes it great, besides the 80’s aerobic outfits and multiple boob sightings, are some inventive kills.  Case in point, the one below where a woman is literally torn apart by a shattering mirror.  But don’t take my word for it – click below to see, and do yourself a favor and watch the whole movie.  And horror favorite Ken Foree is in it too!

Dirty Horror’s Rapid Reviews: ‘The Girl With All The Gifts’, ‘Beyond The Gates’, ‘Alien: Covenant’

It’s that time again where I don’t have a lot of time to write full reviews for recent movies that I have had the pleasure of viewing, so I will sum each of them up in a few sentences of my thoughts.  Sound good?  Here we go!    Continue reading

Great Moments In Horror Hair History: ‘Chop Top’ From ‘The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2’ (1986)

This version of Great Moments In Horror Hair History is for the ones who might not have the luscious locks that I usually talk about in these posts.  It’s for the ones who wake up everyday and look in the mirror and realize that Fabio’s flowing golden mane is not on their heads.  I am an equal opportunist though, and I wanted to highlight and give praise to someone in horror movie history that had the confidence to make a difference without the having the hair to go with it.  He did have a metal plate in his head though…….

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Chop Top!!!!  Even though the hair is minimal, there’s enough going on to make you take notice.  Maybe not for the right reasons, but you’re taking notice nonetheless.  The metal plate does reflect…..oops, I mean deflect you from focusing on his stringy follicles – but just imagine if Chop Top would have done a shampoo commercial back in the 80’s.  Oh sure – he may have called you a ‘dog dick’ in the process of lathering up his strands, but tell me that wouldn’t have been effective!  So needless to say after gazing up at that pic and taking everything into account, I hereby induct Chop Top into the class of Great Moments In Horror Hair History!  Now can we talk about those teeth?

Rental Regrets: Sorority House Massacre (1986)

Here we go again with my walk down Rental Regrets lane, where I come up with a horror movie from the 80’s that I kinda wish I would have rented.  I watched literally hundereds of horror movies back then, but there are always a few that slipped through my chubby teenage fingers while I was at my favorite Mom & Pop video store.  So what forgotten 80’s horror nugget is on my brain today?

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Oh yeah!  It’s Sorority House Massacre – another slasher movies in a sea of slasher movies that came out at that time.  But look – there’s a scantily-dressed young lady on the cover about to remove her lingerie!  How did I not rent this?!?  Well, to be honest – I was most likely bored of the ‘slasher genre’ in the 80’s.  They were a dime a dozen, and as much as I like girls running around in their underwear and having pillow fights while I murderer watches from an outside window……I became numb to all of it.  But I have to say, I’m having regrets from not renting Sorority House Massacre and I think what sealed it for me (other than the above lingerie) was when I finally watched the trailer on Youtube:

Does this movie take place in Bedrock?  Because I could have sworn I heard some Flintstones sound effects in there a few times.  Anyway, time for me to stop procrastinating and start watching this sucker.  Until then, I’ll just keep gazing up at the hot and sexy……..tagline ‘A slash course in absolute terror!‘.

Dirty Horror Memory Lane: Linnea Quigley’s Horror Workout (1990)

Yawn.  Boy oh boy – I sure am having trouble getting it going this morning.  I feel like a zombie, and probably look like one too.  If only there was a workout tape that I could pop in to motivate me that involves horror and famous Scream Queen Linnea Quigley…….oh wait a minute!  There is!  And it came out in 1990!  Yeah, I’m super late to the horror workout party.

Well that was something.  God bless, Linnea and god bless those zombies in the video clip for giving it their all.  But yes, that gem of a clip is from Linnea Quigley’s Horror Workout – released in 1990 to capitalize off of the B-movie horror boom and off of Linnea herself.  Originally released on VHS, it’s a great slice of horror nostalgia and you can now own it in glorious DVD quality!

Head on over HERE and snatch up your copy of the limited (to 1000) DVD and feel the burn as you bounce and stretch along with Linnea and the cheesy synthy 80’s music. Need more convincing by the way?  Hmmmmm…..well how about a clip of Linnea and her hot slumber party girlfriends gyrating and flexing for your enjoyment in unison?  You’re welcome.

Sunday Bloody Sunday: ‘Head Explosion’ From ‘The Prowler’ (1981)

With Valentine’s Day right around the corner, I figured I’d get the romance started with an exploding head from the 1981 splatterific slasher movie The Prowler.  Flowers and chocolates are pretty much overrated anyway, so exploding heads are the way to go nowadays.

Welcome to Sunday Bloody Sunday, where as I’ve already mentioned – I’m shining a spotlight onto an exploding head from The Prowler.  But who’s exploding head is it?  Well…..therein lies the rub.  It’s a scene from the end of the movie, so if you haven’t seen it – then this would be considered a big spoiler.  That being because the exploding head is that of the revealed killer!  Dun Dun Duhhhhhh.  Yeah, it’s kind of like a super graphic Scooby-Doo ending.  But anyway, click away below and you’re been warned if you haven’t seen the movie!  P.S. – Kudos to Tom Savini for the FX work.

Rental Regrets: Cellar Dweller (1988)

Here we go again with another rental regret that I have weighing on my conscience from my horror movie renting days in the 80’s.  Now to clarify, this is a movie that I always saw at my local video store and for whatever reason passed over and rented something else. And now I’m having regrets!  Hence the name of the post.  And the movie I am speaking of is…………..

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Cellar Dweller!  Now, I can’t really give a valid reason as to why I never rented this – but I should have snatched it up considering those legs in the fishnet stockings on the cover. Rawwwwrrrr!  I would grab those too, Mr. Monster hand.  Ok, pervy me aside – the premise for Cellar Dweller sounds interesting enough:

Thirty years have passed since the grisly murder/suicide of Colin Childress, creator of the comic book, Cellar Dweller. But, as often happens to those ignorant of it, comic book artist Whitney Taylor is doomed to repeat history in a most grotesque way. Little does she know that her twisted renderings will soon reincarnate the bloody hysteria of Cellar Dweller.

Comic books, monsters, and a murder/suicide?  Talk about a trifecta.  Let’s take a look at the severely outdated trailer and get some more convincing:

Jeffrey Combs?  Lily Munster?  That guy from the 80’s show Head Of The Class that went on to be a bad director?  Pentagrams written on the cover of books?  Oh, how the hell did I pass this up (shakes fist vehemently in the air).  Not to mention that it’s directed by John Carl Buechler (Friday The 13th Part VII, Troll) to add some more interest.  Alright, I can be the bigger man and admit when I’m wrong.  And I’m going to right that wrong and seek out Cellar Dweller as soon as possible to enjoy the full viewing experience!

Fun Fact: Trick Or Treat (Not Trick ‘R Treat) Has A Surprising Tomatometer On Rotten Tomatoes!

Sometimes when I get bored, I type older horror movies into the Rotten Tomatoes ‘search box’ and see what the Tomatometer is.  And since it’s that time of the year for Halloween-themed horror movies, I figured I would type in a movie that is synonymous with Halloween:  Trick Or Treat.  Now I know that some of you newbies to the horror world might think I meant the fantastic anthology horror movie that came out in 2007 (with a slightly different name), but I am talking about the heavy metal horror awesomeness that came out in 1986!

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So what would you guess that the Tomatometer is for Trick Or Treat?  10%?  40%?  Hmmmmmm……try 71%!  Granted that’s only out of 7 reviews (5 fresh and 2 rotten), but impressive nonetheless considering the type of horror movie that Trick Or Treat is.  The storyline:  Ridiculous.  The soundtrack:  Straight 80’s metal goodness.  But in a time when the 80’s were churning out a lot of cheesy horror movies, it’s nice to see this one get some love on Rotten Tomatoes.  As one reviewer put it – “Yes, it’s trash, but it’s special trash to me.”  Couldn’t have said better myself random reviewer!

So the next time you’re thinking of a cheesy old school horror movie, and you want to see if any reviewers gave it any love – look it up on Rotten Tomatoes and you may be surprised!  Jesus – this whole post sounded like I just jerked off Rotten Tomatoes and gave them a bunch of free publicity.  They could have at least bought me dinner first.