Great Moments In Horror Hair History: Cujo The Dog (1983)

Who says only stereotypical blonde bimbos in 80’s horror movies can have great hair?  Move over, stereotypical blonde bimbos…..there’s new fur in town.  I know it might be ‘ruff’ to realize that a rabid St. Bernard dog might show you up in the hair department, but let me introduce you to………..Cujo!

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Control yourself, everybody.  There are enough blood-soaked luscious locks to go around.  Oh sure, Cujo could use a bath.  He is a bit smelly, especially with the overpowering iron-based blood dripping all over his hair.  But you can’t deny, he’s quite the specimen.  Don’t let a little foaming at the mouth stop us from inducting Cujo into the class of Great Moments In Horror Hair History!  Now someone get him a napkin, please.

Horror Movie Posters I Love: Mausoleum (1983)

Sometimes I like to just gaze upon poster art for 80’s horror movies.  And a lot of times, that poster art is better than the actual movie.  So, let’s see……I wonder if the 1983 movie Mausoleum is all poster art and ‘no bite’, as far as the actual movie goes.  I’ll get to the latter in a minute, as I recently re-visited Mausoleum on Amazon Prime.  But first……the poster!

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Well damn.  Isn’t she a beauty.  The ‘dripping blood’ font in the title….the predictable, but clever tagline (Centuries of evil have just awakened)….and the rather cool looking skeleton gripping the mausoleum.  All signs point to the poster art being better than the movie!  But seriously folks – how fun were the 80’s when it came to horror?

Speaking of fun – did you know that none other than Aunt Esther from Sanford and Son (LaWanda Page) is in this movie???  Oh – and her scene is soooooo Aunt Esther.  But anyway – like I said, I recently watched Mausoleum again and……it stinks.  But in a good 80’s horror stinky way.  Like some aged cheese.  The poster art still gives me a horror boner, but if you have time and want a good time – seek out Mausoleum and embrace the 80’s madness!

Sunday Bloody Sunday: ‘Gimme A Hand And A Beer’ From ‘Blood Rage’ (1987)

Oh wow….I didn’t realize how long it’s been since my last incarnation of Sunday Bloody Sunday.  I know you all have been fiending and getting the shakes for a new one, so I am here to bring you joy and good news!  And what a way to come back than with a classic scene from 1987’s Blood Rage, pretty much the only true horror movie based around the holiday of Thanksgiving.

Now – if you haven’t seen Blood Rage, then you are missing out.  I will say however, that if you are a fan of Old Style beer – you might want to look away from this clip because it could be quite disturbing for you.  Fun fact:  My first sip of beer was from a can of Old Style.  What else you need to know about the following clip is that the practical effects are top notch cheese.  God bless, fucking 80’s horror and Blood Rage!  Now watch below.  And RIP to that can of beer.  Oh – and that hand too.

Behold! The Best Compilation Clip Montage Of ‘Pieces’ Ever!!

Ok, so I’m a little biased because my friend did this – but, if you love the movie Pieces (and if you don’t, kindly get the fuck off my blog) then you should be entertained by the following compilation of some of the best (and worst) scenes in the movie.  All you need to know is that the ‘tennis scene’ is included.  Oh – and get down to the funky sounds of Ween at the beginning and end of the video too!  And you better like this, or you are nothing but a bastarrrrrrrrrrd!!!!!

I Seem To Have ‘The Brain’ On My Brain…..

Quick.  What’s the best horror movie about a gigantic man-eating brain?!?  Ahhh – if you didn’t say 1988’s Canadian horror yuck-fest The Brain, then you can see yourself out the door.  I hadn’t thought about this movie in ages.  I remember watching the VHS copy when I was like 12.  And although the premise is about as stupid as you would think for an 80’s horror movie (TV show host brainwashes his viewers and plans to rule the world), I dug the hell out of The Brain!

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Cut to why I’m writing about it now, and that would be because one of the best resin toy makers in the game, Deadly Delivery (a collab effort of Retroband and Zectron), recently released a mini version of our favorite man-eating brain!  You can catch a glimpse HERE, but unfortunately it is now sold out.  But it really got me to thinking about this movie.  And it really got me to thinking about how it needs a proper Blu-ray release too.  It never even received a proper DVD release either (sad frowny face).

So let’s all put our brains together and think about how we can make this happen.  More people need to see The Brain!  It’s common knowledge.  Oh, I know what we can do!  We can take it to the streets like they did in the 60’s.  I’m sure no one would be annoyed if I was preaching the greatness of The Brain through a megaphone while shoving clips from the movie in people’s faces as they walk out of Target after shopping.  But until we win the battle of getting this underrated 80’s horror gem it’s Blu-ray due, why don’t you just search on Youtube to watch the movie in full.  I’ll allow it.

Anticipation Alert: Victor Crowley (2018)

The year was 2006.  I had just recently moved to Los Angeles.  Gas prices were relatively low.  And a young filmmaker named Adam Green was busy bringing ‘Old School American Horror‘ back!  Yes, that’s right – the 80’s homage/throwback Hatchet was born.  And thus, it’s villain Victor Crowley was as well (thanks in large part to Kane Hodder).  I remember watching Hatchet for the first time, almost blindly buying the DVD.  What I was treated to was indeed a love letter to the horror that I grew up on in the 80’s: Unapologetically nasty gore, inventive kills, boobs, and boobs.  Did I mention boobs?

Adam Green would go on to give us two more Hatchet sequels in the aftermath of the success of the original.  Now, I’m not ashamed to admit that they didn’t really hit my horror spot as much as the first time I saw Victor Crowley grace the screen with his horribly disfigured swampy face.  I liked the sequels, but the vibe felt off to me.  But now……..Victor Crowley is back in 2018 and he’s looking like his old self!  For better or worse, that is.  Yes – the aptly titled Victor Crowley is the fourth (and maybe final) sequel in the Hatchet series and if the first full trailer is any indication, it will go out on a high body count note!  Check it out below and get your preorder in for the Blu-ray/DVD over at Amazon HERE for a super good price.

When Old Ladies And Beetles Attack: Prince Of Darkness (1987)

I just had the pleasure of seeing John Carpenter perform his music live last night (on Halloween nonetheless) for the second time in 2 years.  And just like the first time, when I walked away from the concert I thought about one of his movies.  And thinking about that movie made me think about an old lady with scissors in her hand.  And it also made me think about a bunch of black beetles, but my thoughts had nothing to do with a mannequin challenge.  What the hell am I babbling about?  Well, this clip from Prince Of Darkness of course!

Prince Of Darkness is probably my favorite ‘least favorite’ John Carpenter movie.  The plot and pacing is all over the place.  But it has Alice Cooper in it.  And it also has the clip above and many more like it that honestly rank up there with Carpenter’s creepiest throughout his career.  This clip with the old lady attacking that poor bastard with the scissors definitely has an Argento vibe to me (the close up on the scissors before they strike down), even though I feel there should have been more blood on the scissors – but I digress. Nitpicking is an art.

The point is, that I think every time I do watch Prince Of Darkness – I like it more.  It’s a grower, and not an immediate shower for me.  Oh – and go check out Mr. Carpenter on his current tour supporting is new Anthology album.  Where else are you going to hear the theme from Vampires live, after all?

Dirty Horror Memory Lane: Over-Exaggerated 80’s Horror Movie Testimonials!

Ahhhh – The 80’s.  A glorious time when if you were on the fence about seeing a horror movie, luckily you had TV spots like the one below to sway you into plunking down your hard-earned money.  Did you ever see the 1986 movie Critters or maybe you haven’t and still want to?  This will steer you in the right direction!  And it’s not phony.  At all!

Now, to be fair – I actually like Critters.  But I don’t necessarily know if it’s a “scream through the whole thing” kind of horror movie.  It is true that they love to party too though! But anyway, TV spots like this were the norm back then – and not just for horror movies. Looking back at them now, it’s a nice slice of nostalgia and things like this always take me back to a simpler time in the horror world.  Kudos to whoever uploads this content btw, because I love having my ‘memory lane’ horror brain jarred from time to time.

Sunday Bloody Sunday: ‘Murderous Mirror’ From ‘Death Spa’ (1989)

Have you ever been in your gym having a nice workout and wondered if it was possessed?  Maybe the bad body odor going through the air can play tricks on your mind, making you think that something is controlling everyone’s smelly armpits.  Well, I’m here to tell you that your gym probably isn’t haunted.  But in the 1989 horror movie Death Spa (also awesomely known as Witch Bitch), there is a haunted gym/spa and it’s killing people in fun ways!

Welcome to Sunday Bloody Sunday, where I am indeed highlighting the movie Death Spa.  A first-time watch for me recently, this movie is pure 80’s horror cheesy greatness.  How I let this one slip by me for this long is beyond me.  And one of the things that makes it great, besides the 80’s aerobic outfits and multiple boob sightings, are some inventive kills.  Case in point, the one below where a woman is literally torn apart by a shattering mirror.  But don’t take my word for it – click below to see, and do yourself a favor and watch the whole movie.  And horror favorite Ken Foree is in it too!

Dirty Horror’s Rapid Reviews: ‘The Girl With All The Gifts’, ‘Beyond The Gates’, ‘Alien: Covenant’

It’s that time again where I don’t have a lot of time to write full reviews for recent movies that I have had the pleasure of viewing, so I will sum each of them up in a few sentences of my thoughts.  Sound good?  Here we go!    Continue reading