Lets Have Another Staring Contest…….

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My, what a big eye you have there.  Ok – this will be a challenge because the Hungry Beast from TerrorVision can distract you with his giant toothy smile and also the giant eye that I alluded to earlier.  Gotta stay focused here and see if you can break him from his concentration.  Steady…..Steady…..Keep your eyes on the prize.  Oh wait – did you just pull out an old W.A.S.P. cassette to distract him and take his eyes off of you?  That’s genius because this this dude’s into metal!  You win!!!

The Most Sensitive Murderous Demon Ever: Rawhead Rex (1986)

I always felt like Rawhead Rex should have had his own theme song.  Perhaps a bouncy jingle that mentions how he enjoys baptizing priests with his urine, or maybe it could focus on what a misunderstood nice guy he is!  Case in point – this emotional scene where he realizes that killing a pregnant woman does more harm than good.  Get your tissues ready……

What a sensitive murderous demon.  You could tell that he just wanted to rip that fetus right out and perform some kind of amazing juggling act with it, but he didn’t.  His emotions took over and Rawhead Rex realized that he does indeed have a line that he won’t cross.  It was moving.  It was tear-jerking.  And it almost made you forget that he pissed all over that priest.  Almost.

Ummmmmm: The Rocking Horse Scene From ‘Hello Mary Lou: Prom Night II’ (1987)

One of my favorite surprising horror sequels of all time is Hello Mary Lou: Prom Night II from 1987.  It easily surpassed the original Prom Night in my opinion even though it didn’t have Leslie Nielsen, Jamie Lee Curtis in a bra, or a fantastic disco soundtrack.  The sequel had something that the original couldn’t even come close to though:  a horny rocking horse.

Yeah, that was pretty disturbing.  And I’m not talking about the old man make-out session.  Putting something like a horny rocking horse with a big tongue in a horror movie was pretty much the norm when it came to 80’s horror.  Which is yet another reason why I miss that era.  Sigh.  Thankfully, we have avenues like Youtube to relive those magical times.  It’s too bad the horny rocking horse didn’t ever get a spin-off movie.  It would have been tremendous.

Bad Moments In Horror Trailer Voiceover History: Don’t Go Into The Woods…..Alone! (1981)

One of the great things about 80’s horror movies were the trailers that would be released before the movie came out, and more specifically the voiceover that would accompany them.  The trailer for The Burning comes to mind as one of the better ones, but unfortunately for every good one – there’s a terrible one. Enter in the trailer for the low-budget slasher from 1981 called Don’t Go Into The Woods…..Alone!  You have to shout the last part of the title because of the exclamation mark.  Now granted, this movie is not good in it’s own right – but the voiceover in the teaser below is in a class all it’s own:

I commend the guy for trying to add a little bit of slam poetry to the voiceover, but I suspect that wasn’t his intention.  He sounds confused while reading it – and because of that it’s our gain because it’s unintentionally awesome.  God bless the 80’s.

“Something’s out there in the woods and it’s……killing people!”

I did learn from the trailer that Ingrid and Peter couldn’t believe that it happened to them, so there’s that I guess.  But all jokes aside, this is a great little slice of 80’s horror nostalgia and deserves to be seen by everyone with an affection towards that era.  So I salute you, voiceover guy from the Don’t Go Into The Woods…..Alone!  The horror world is a better place because of your inability to correctly read from a script.   

Sunday Bloody Sunday: ‘Crotch Kill’ From ‘The Mutilator’ (1985)

Sometimes, a horror movie can be so amazing….so groundbreaking….so instrumental in shaping the course of mankind….that it will leave you in awe after witnessing it.  The Mutilator unfortunately is not one of those horror movies.  But it has a ‘death by hook to the female crotch’ kill, so it ain’t all bad!

Welcome to this week’s Sunday Bloody Sunday where I’m shining a little light on a slasher flick from 1985 that isn’t that well known, but is loved by those who have seen it.  As much as you can love a bad horror movie I guess.  The Mutilator isn’t good – but it did have a kick ass movie poster (look it up if you haven’t seen it), a killer tagline (By sword, by pick, by ax, bye bye…), a not-so killer theme song, and the aforementioned ‘death by hook to the female crotch’ death scene.  Click below if you’re curious, and if you’re feeling really adventurous – then click on the second link that contains the opening credits and theme song:

Sunday Bloody Sunday: ‘Sink Death’ From ‘The Blob’ (1988)

One of the most annoying things in the world besides Taylor Swift, is a clogged up sink drain.  Sure, sometimes Drano or a plunger can do the trick – but what happens when the backup is so bad that you’re close to dialing up the plumber to pay money for something you should be able to do yourself?

Welcome to Sunday Bloody Sunday and welcome to the worst drain blockage of all time.  Hair?  No.  Broccoli florets?  Nope.  How about a murderous oozing blob that pretty much instantly kills you upon contact?  Bingo!  Yeah, I’m talking about the awesome 1988 remake of The Blob, and more specifically about one of the many equally awesome death scenes in the movie.  Since we’re talking clogged up sinks, if you’ve seen the movie then you know where this is going.   Click below and watch this poor bastard get sucked down a drain like a rag doll and celebrate the wonders of 80’s horror in the process:

Sunday Bloody Sunday: ‘Death By Weight Machine’ From ‘The Toxic Avenger’ (1984)

Hey everyone!  If you’re looking to shed those extra pounds, one simple way to lose them is by having a weight machine crush your head in half.  If that sounds extreme, that’s because it is.  But you have to make sacrifices to get your body on track, right?  Welcome to this week’s Sunday Bloody Sunday where I’m highlighting one of the many great death scenes from Troma’s undisputed B-movie classic, The Toxic Avenger.

For all of you drug dealers out there who like to hang out in sweaty gyms, it’s probably best for you if The Toxic Avenger doesn’t go to your gym.  Why you ask?  Because there are so many creative and fun ways that he can kill you!  Maybe he could strangle you with a jump rope?  Bludgeon you with two barbells?  Or hold you down and jam part of a weight machine through your head until it splits in two.  We’ll go with that last one.  Btw – it’s very polite of Toxie to mop up his messes, don’t you think?

Horror Movie Posters I Love: Hatchet (2006)

I love a movie that knows where it belongs.  And Adam Green definitely knows that his 2006 throwback slasher flick Hatchet (and the sequels for that matter) belongs in the 80’s.  The only problem is that the original poster didn’t exactly have that true 80’s feel, but this one below done by artist Justin Osbourn sure as hell did.

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Boing!  Horror boner going on over here.  TMI.  Fright Rags put 250 of these beauties up for sale a while back and all were numbered and signed by Victor Crowley himself, Kane Hodder.  This poster just screams 80’s and is everything that is right in the horror world.  I read that Adam Green was so impressed as well that he would have used it to promote Hatchet during the release.  Bad news is that I see none of these up on Ebay for sale.  The good news is that you can just gaze at it here and get your fix.

Trailer Alert: The Last Exorcism Part 2

Hooray for sequels!  Slight sarcasm there, but here we go with the official trailer for The Last Exorcism Part 2.  I do always like when a horror sequel gets a “Part 2” in the title.  Makes me feel like I’m in the 80’s again.  Ahhh – the 80’s.  Remember when horror movies were good?  Ok – I’m getting off topic, so let’s get back on.

The Last Exorcism Part 2 picks up right where the original left off and we find Nell (Ashley Bell) dirty and scared after just giving birth to a demon baby during a satanic ritual in the woods.  Doctors examine her and find nothing wrong and move her into an all female halfway house.  It’s there that she seeks to rehabilitate herself and maybe even find love (awwwww).  But her past demons (pun intended) won’t allow that, and she must come face to face with them again whether she likes it or not.  Peep the trailer below:

Well, the first thing that stands out other than the fact that Nell looks all growns up now, even though it’s supposed to take place right after the first movie, is the abandonment of the hand held/documentary style look.  Definitely a more polished look this time around.  I actually really liked The Last Exorcism and had no problems with the ending like some people (it was prophesized in the drawing!) and I was fully on board for the sequel.  My anticipation lowered slightly though, because it really just looks like another carbon copy of the 20 possession/exorcism films we have coming out each year now.  I did dig some of the creepy imagery and the Jesus nursery rhyme for some added effect, so I’ll definitely reserve judgement until I see the finished product.  And that finished product comes out March 1st, so mark it down on your horror calendar!

*ok, maybe it is time to try one of those Tempur-Pedic beds I keep hearing about*