Ah……The Conjuring Universe. It might not be as cool or hip as the Marvel Universe – but it’s still a thing. I dug the first two entries of The Conjuring. Did not dig Annabelle, but I have an unmistakable love for Annabelle: Creation. And so now in the world of horror spin-offs, we have The Nun aka Valak – who first terrified us in The Conjuring 2 and now gets the spotlight for her first movie focusing solely on the Valak character. So is she just as terrifying here as she was in The Conjuring 2? Ummm. No. Let us pray…….
I’m going to do something different with this review. I’m not going to get into the specifics of the storyline (dark shadows, creepy nuns, bad jump scares….rinse, repeat) – I’m going to rant about how they fucked this up so badly. You have a creeeeeepy character in Valak (god bless actress Bonnie Aarons for doing her best with what she was given here) and you choose to focus more on an exorcised kid and other nuns not named Valak. Adding insult to injury, Valak gets a terrible backstory involving Jesus’ blood (and an equally terrible ‘Holy shit’ joke) and the biggest sin: she’s barely given any screen time until almost the end of the movie (with a part in the middle involving Taissa Farmiga running from Valak being the effective exception).
Everything that should be spooky, creepy, frightening is stripped away here and dumbed down with non-effective jump scares. There are multiple moments in The Nun when you think a scene is going to pay off, and then as soon as it should………we cut to another scene and never revisit the previous. Oy. See, but here’s the thing – The Nun made over 50 million at the box office this weekend. So, I would imagine that a sequel will be on the way (after another Conjuring movie, and an Annabelle one, and another spin-off for The Crooked Man). You see…..money talks. And unfortunately at times (if not all of the time), that’s what matters to the studio. The Nun and the Valak character in general deserved way better than this. Perhaps the real creepiness of the character will be resurrected in the inevitable sequel. But until then…….Jesus wept.
Oh. Hi Annabelle. Ok – just because you have a brand new movie coming out in a few weeks, it doesn’t mean that you’re going to beat us at this staring contest. My, what big eyes you have though. Ok, time to stay focused. Don’t be distracted by her rosy cheeks. Don’t be distracted by her pigtails and fancy bangs. Just try and think about…….wait. Why am I peeing my pants? Dammit, Annabelle! You possessed me and made me piss myself, thus making me lose the staring contest! Arrrgh. Go see Annabelle: Creation on August 11th in theaters. She made me say that too.
This damn toilet just won’t flush. Too much shit clogging it up. Let me be more specific – too many shitty movies from 2014 are clogging it up. Yeah, it’s that time of the year when we look back and laugh at the horror movies that gave us unintentional stomach pains and regrets. So let’s get on with my Top 5 Worst Movies Of 2014! Continue reading →
I love finding useful things on Ebay. And nothing to me nowadays is more useful than something to cover my eyes so I don’t have to watch Annabelle again. And that Ebay item I’m speaking of just so happens to be connected to that shitty movie! Behold…….the Annabelle sleeping mask!
What a shocker. It looks just as cheap and slapped together as the movie did. The good news is that if you are having trouble sleeping at night or just want to creep the fuck out of your significant other, it’s a nice little item. The bad news is that you’d be buying something associated with Annabelle, and for that alone you may be going to hell. Don’t let me scare you with that assumption though – feel free to head over to the Ebay listing HERE and snag it up for $29.99 or be brave and submit an offer for 25 cents.
Oh – sorry…..I fell asleep watching Annabelle and I think I just woke up. Let me go watch it again and I’ll get back to you with the review.
Ok – done! I know, I know….I’m about 2 weeks late with a review for this movie, but good things come to those who wait. Unfortunately, no good things came to me from watching this piece of crap and I’ll share my thoughts on that now. Continue reading →