Tag Archives: bad 80’s horror movies

Rental Regrets: Scared Stiff (1987)

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Much like that overstuffed burrito I just ate, I’m full of regrets.  Most would say I’m also full of something else, but regrets are what we’re talking about right now.  And I always had regrets back in my VHS-renting days of horror movies that I couldn’t quite pull the trigger on.  Enter into the mix the 1987 blockbuster Scared Stiff!  I figured if I threw the word ‘blockbuster’ in there that you would be more inclined to keep reading.

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Ahhhh – look at that beauty.  How did I never rent this?  Oh I’m sure I just passed it by and rented Slumber Party Massacre II for the tenth time.  I’m always a sucker for good title font, and I actually kind of dig it here.  Reading the synopsis more closely, it looks as though the plot revolved around voodoo curses and slave owners.  Not exactly my cup of tea when I was a 13-year-old horror movie upstart, but I’m sure I could have taken a chance on it.  Looks as though Variety magazine was quoted as saying that Scared Stiff was “……..too explicit for the squeamish.”  What the hell, man?!  I love explicit things!  Only one way to settle this once and for all and see if I should finally watch it.  To the Youtube trailer!

Oh man.  I’m sold!  And it looks as though the only thing that’s really explicit is the bad acting.  And those terrible effects too.  This has ‘pack and bowl and watch’ written all over it.  I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that Scared Stiff has probably not gotten the Blu-ray treatment thus far.  That’s ok, I’m sure I can find a watchable version on eBay.  Let me look……(do do do….do do do….do do do).  Ok, I’m back.  Didn’t find a VHS or DVD, but I did find THIS.  For those who don’t want to click the link, it’s a promotional paper weight for the film.  So……if you’ve ever wanted a Scared Stiff paper weight, there you go.

Amazing Scenes In Bad Horror Movies: ‘Alice Cooper Blows A Head Off’ From ‘Monster Dog’ (1984)

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I really dig Italian horror movies and everyone that’s ever been involved with them. Argento. Fulci.  Alice Cooper.  Wait…..Alice Cooper?  Why yes!  Mr. Cooper was actually in an Italian horror movie called Monster Dog in 1984.  How’s the movie you ask? Ummmmm….not good.  You do get to see Alice transform terribly into a werewolf, so there’s that.  But possibly my favorite scene, which is pretty quick, is with Alice Cooper brandishing a shotgun and blowing a guy’s head half off.  Enjoy the carnage below and if you’re really brave, check out the entire movie.

God Bless The Greatness That Is Called ‘Psycho Cop’

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In 1988 when Maniac Cop was released, most horror fans thought they had seen the greatest killer cop movie of all time.  Yes, I’m embellishing that quite a bit, but just go with it for the time being.  And then 1989 came and with that also came the birth of Psycho Cop!  That’s right – Psycho Cop….the clear and obvious knockoff of Maniac Cop, but with more cheese.  I do love me some extra cheese.

If ever there was a movie that needed to be released on Blu-ray, it’s Psycho Cop.  Officer Joe Vickers (Robert R. Shafer) is not to be fucked with and it’s a monumental performance for the ages of horror cinema.  If you couldn’t already tell, I like to make things sound much bigger and better than they actually are.  Who are we kidding…..Psycho Cop is pretty terrible, but in the best way possible.  It’s pure ‘alcohol consumption necessary’ viewing and needs to make no apologies for that.  And I bet that you’ll be saying the joke “What has 18 legs and 2 tits?” at the next party you attend.

 

Horror Hijinx: ‘Sally’s Demon Transformation’ From ‘Demons 2’ (1986)

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Who needs a college football championship game when you have the amazingly bad Demons 2?  Yes, last night I revisited the sequel to one of my all-time favorite horror movies ever, 1985’s Demons.  Oh sure, Demons is not Academy Award level cinema by any means – but it’s fun, gory as hell, and has a great soundtrack.  And it has Bobby Rhodes.  I hadn’t watched Demons 2 in a long time, so imagine my pleasant surprise that I was inspired enough the morning after to write this post.

Hilarious bad dubbing aside (as with most Italian horror movies), Demons 2 has an arsenal of ‘so bad it’s good’ moments.  And thankfully after watching this movie again, I now have an arsenal of content for my site in the near future.  It’s clear from the get-go, that Demons 2 is the red-headed stepchild of Demons.  And it’s ok with that, which makes it even better.  Oh I’ll talk about the dog transformation scene, the baby demon scene, and even the reemergence of actor Bobby Rhodes as a gym instructor at a later date – but today it’s all about Sally’s demon transformation scene:

Oh lord.  Now you know you can’t help but laugh when that prop head of Sally pops up.  This sequel pretty much tries to follow Demons beat for beat, as Sally’s transformation (especially the teeth part) mimics Carmen’s from the original almost to a tee.  The effects are definitely cheaper this time around, but it works because the movie itself is, well…..cheap.  God bless the 80’s though, because it was acceptable to be and look cheap back then, especially in horror movies.  Therein lies the charm, my friends.  And Demons 2 is full of it.  Charm that is.

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Dirty Horror Memory Lane: ‘Return Of The Living Dead Part II’ Merchandise Promo Video (1988)

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I’m a sucker for anything retro that has to do with horror movies.  Even if the retro fun involved is with a terrible sequel.  And the terrible sequel that I’m talking about is 1988’s Return Of The Living Dead Part II.  Sure, it had a little bit of charm – but the comedy mostly fell flat, unlike it’s predecessor in 1985. Whatever feelings I have for ROTLD Part II, I can push aside for a minute to enjoy this lovely little promo ad for the merchandise that you could have purchased in 1988 to support the film.

Did that put as big of a smile on your face as it did mine?  I miss these kinds of ads (usually attached to the VHS copies after the movie was over), and that’s exactly why I love Youtube because you can always revisit them. Hopefully you’re not dumb enough to call the 1-800 number included in the ad though to try and order something.  Ebay is your only hope for any of these items, so if you’ve been clambering to get your hands on a Return Of The Living Dead Part II tank top, race on over and get to some searching!  I think I’ll avoid the stampede myself, so you guys have at it.

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Movies That You Wanted To Rent, But Didn’t: Terror On Tape (1983)

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I can honestly admit that I was addicted to renting horror movies in the 80’s. It’s ok – I know that I had a problem, and I’m here to come clean and try to make things right with all of those who were around me at that time in my life.  I can remember renting upwards of 10 movies at a time, some I never even would get around to watching.  But the true travesty of all of this, was that there were horror movies that I passed by, and for whatever reason never rented. One of those movies had a pretty tantalizing cover, so I’m not sure what stopped me from giving up my hard-earned dollar to give it a shot in my VCR. And that movie was 1983’s, Terror On Tape.

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How on Earth could I not rent a movie that claims to have ‘a compilation of the most terrifying scenes from 20 of the scariest horror movies ever made‘?  And if you flipped the cover over, that list of movies included a movie called Vampire Hookers.  A movie called Vampire Hookers!!  What the hell was I thinking?  I guess I was too worried about renting Sleepaway Camp for the tenth time.  I actually really dig compilation flicks, and honestly loved Terror In The Aisles which came out about a year later in 1984.  I felt like I undoubtably dropped the ball on Terror On Tape, even more so when I found this excerpt on Youtube from it:

Alright.  That sealed it for me.  Bad costumes, bad acting, and a set piece that looks like it’s straight out of a bad porn movie.  This lovely piece of cinema looks like it speaks volumes as to why I love 80’s horror so much. Extra cheese indeed!  There’s something endearing about a horror movie that knows where it stands as far as overall quality goes.  I definitely need to track down Terror On Tape, but something tells me that it just won’t give me the satisfaction that it would have had I rented it back in 1983.  Nevertheless, this looks like required viewing.  Off to Ebay I go!

Sunday Bloody Sunday: ‘The Exploding Head Scene’ From ‘Chopping Mall’ (1986)

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The Russian roulette moment in The Deer Hunter.  Luke finding out that Darth Vadar is his father in The Empire Strikes Back.  The Mrs. Robinson leg shot in The Graduate.  All of those scenes suck compared to one of the greatest scenes in movie history.  That’s right, all of you other inferior cinematic moments bow down to your master:  Leslie’s exploding head from Chopping Mall!

I’m going to tease you a little more before you can watch the clip.  Actually, I guess you could just scroll down and ignore what I have to say and watch it anyway.  But yes, Chopping Mall (also known as Killbots) is about as 80’s of a horror movie as 80’s horror movies can get.  Stupid plot.  Stupid characters.  Stupid non-scary mall robots.  And some breasts.  But what gives Chopping Mall a leg up on every other horror movie, is it’s amazing exploding head scene.  And it’s a perfect addition to the Sunday Bloody Sunday roster.  Words can’t describe it, so why try.  Click below and realize that after you watch it, your life has just officially changed:

The Worst Opening Credits To A Horror Movie Ever: The Mutilator (1985)

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I’m not even going to set this one up.  Just know that this is the actual opening credit sequence to the 1985 slasher movie, The Mutilator:

Yes, those were some saxophone riffs you were hearing towards the end there.  And yes, the title card from the movie really did have blood dripping from it while this shitty song started playing.  I remember seeing The Mutilator when I was younger and could never get past this theme song.  For those who care, the song is called “Fall Break”, and the movie was originally titled that, which makes more sense I guess.  Doesn’t excuse the fact that the song belongs in a National Lampoon’s Vacation movie or a bad 80’s sitcom.

It boasts that 80’s cheesiness and charm to it’s credit, and even though this movie is not a light hearted comedy as the song would suggest, I still have a soft spot for the opening credits (and closing ones) because it punctuates just how ridiculous the 80’s were.  Special shout out to the Senior Citizen Discount scene at the end by the way.  I cherish this movie so much that I’ll be doing more posts on it in the next few weeks, so stay tuned!  I suggest you groove to the sounds of “Fall Break” in the meantime……

*works better than NyQuil*