Oh, Coolio. You used to be…..a thing, I guess. I always hated ‘Gangsta’s Paradise‘, but I know it’s what gave you your stardom. I much prefer the Coolio that was down with WC and the Maad Circle (look it up on Spotify or Apple Music and thank me later). I do not however, prefer the Coolio that was a vampire in the 2004 staight-to-cable movie Dracula 3000. I know what you’re thinking btw – the amazing movie Dracula 2000 had a sequel??? No. No it did not. Which makes Dracula 3000 even more puzzling in a terrible ‘why was this movie even made‘ kind of way. But I’ve spent wayyyyyy too much time talking about this shitfest, so let’s watch a clip of vampire Coolio in action!
I guess I should have warned you that there is delayed audio in that clip, but be honest….would it have mattered? I’m not sure what the highlight is here: Coolio’s tongue slithering? The fact that he used the phrase ‘ejaculate all over your bazongas‘?? Or maybe his lisp when he says ‘Snow White ass‘??? Actually – they’re all equal in greatness. I hope this clip made your day. Or maybe gave you another reason to dislike Coolio.
Quick! What’s your favorite Halloween-themed movie??? Put your hand down if you’re going to say Halloween. Or if you shouted, Trick ‘r Treat. Or if Ernest Scared Stupid is your destiny. The overwhelmingly obvious answer is The Pumpkin Karver! Ok, maybe not. But that was fun for a second.
Ah yes, The Pumpkin Karver. The 2006 gem of a movie that you can rent now on DVD through Netflix. Seriously though, why is Netflix still doing the DVD mail-in option? Just put that shit up to stream! My anger towards Netflix sidetracked me, but my love for good horror movies did not deter me from watching The Pumpkin Karver one time. Luckily, someone strung together some of the film’s best (and worst) scenes and bookended it with Ween’s “Where’d The Cheese Go” for some awesome reason. Click below and enjoy!
I don’t have any children, but if I did I would imagine that watching them be born would be a wondrous and breathtaking experience. I’m sure there’s nothing gross about it, unless of course you have it in your head that birth is something like in that scene in 1998’s Species 2. Why the hell are you watching Species 2 btw?
Oh, it was ME that was watching Species 2. Guilty as charged! But anyway, it’s a pretty terrible movie – save for some entertaining gore and Natasha Henstridge getting topless again. Let us not forget about the infamous birthing scene though, over-exaggerated facial expressions and all. Check it out below and stay to the end for Marg Helgenberger to tell you just how awful it is:
Yet another post about a horror movie that’s really making me feel my age. Polaroid cameras were all the rage when I was growing up in the 80’s. For you youngsters out there, it was a camera that would instantly print out a pic after you took it – and then for added effect, you would shake the pic to make sure it came out right. Hence the term ‘Shake it like a Polaroid picture‘ from Outkast! So anyway, there’s a new horror movie called Polaroid:
WTF did I just watch? Ok (deep breath) – I get it. Horror movies are popular. And horror movies are relatively easy to make. But the more that crap like this gets put into actual theaters, the more that it stains the ‘horror movie; name in general. Nothing about this looks original (Goosebumps, anyone?), and from a technical standpoint it looks so awful that I’m finding myself wanting to rather stare at the jar of peanut butter on my desk instead of watching that trailer again.
But anyway – I’m sure Polaroid will make some money (key word ‘some’), and the studio will stand behind it. But me – I’m more interested in going onto eBay right now, buy an actual vintage Polaroid camera, and take pictures of that jar of peanut butter that’s on my desk.
Here we go with one of my favorite recurring posts about VHS horror movies that I wish I would have rented, but never did. Now – there is one movie that always sticks out in my head that I passed over in my many trips to my local Mom & Pop video stores in the 80’s. The cover was enticing. The tagline was even more enticing. But yet I wasn’t enticed enough to ever rent it. And that movie is……………Junior!
Sorry for the subpar quality pic – it’s the best that Google Images could offer. But anyway, I can’t tell you how many times I picked up the VHS copy of Junior and put it down. The artwork is actually pretty sweet considering this was 1985. The burning boat in the background is intriguing as well because it makes me want to know why the boat is on fire and who is in the boat when it’s on fire. Genius marketing on their part. Considering I still haven’t seen Junior, I have no real clue as to what it’s about other than that it’s going for the ‘Texas Chainsaw Massacre knock-off‘ gold. Good thing we have IMDB to clarify about the plot:
K.C. and Jo are two hardened female ex-cons who decide to build a marina on a lake in backwoods Texas to start a life for themselves, only to be hassled by the redneck locals who do not like outsiders, and that the lakeshore is their own regular hangout. But K.C. and Jo’s worst troubles come from Junior, a slow-witted psycho redneck who gets the ok from his equally demented mother to kill the two.
Oooooh – two hardened female ex-cons, huh? I see Caged Heat potential sex going on here. And what a shocker – redneck locals who don’t like outsiders and a psycho redneck with a psycho mother. Nevertheless…………….oh wait – BREAKING JUNIOR NEWS! Here’s another poster that popped up on Google Images:
Ehhhhhhh. I’ll stick with the original artwork. As much as I love seeing Junior in his wife beater overcompensating for his probable small penis with his large chainsaw, the original cover art is far superior. And how the hell do you leave ‘The‘ out of ‘Friday The 13th‘ at the top of the poster? Nice touch using the chainsaw as an ‘I’ in the title though. For those curious about this movie (and how the hell could you not be?), there’s a full version up on Youtube. Let’s all waste an hour and a half of our lives together and see what kind of wacky situations Junior gets himself in…….
How I’ve never seen this movie is beyond my comprehension. I am a bit disappointed that the tagline wasn’t “He’ll scare the pants off of you!“. I’m grasping at straws though with that. What we do have here is great marketing because this poster makes me want to see the The Invisible Maniac. It does look like the movie could be a bit rapey though, so that’s always a downer. I do kind of want to see that girl on the floor wrestle with a fire hose though. Fun fact: Pornstar Savannah starred in this movie before she rose to fame in the porn industry, after which she committed suicide. Sorry – that wasn’t very fun.
Back in the day, I was a VHS renting madman. That sounds a lot more ominous than it is. Basically, I’ve rented a lot of horror movies in my lifetime – more specifically from the 80’s and early 90’s when renting movies was actually a thing. But there were always those movies that eluded me for one reason or another. I could never quite pull the trigger and rent them. And because of that, I’ve had regrets that haunt me in the deepest channels of my mind. Maybe not that dramatic, but regrets can still be a bitch. Take for instance the 1990 movie, Demon Wind:
Now for those who don’t know, Demon Wind had one of those fancy lenticular VHS covers that moved when you tilted it back and forth. I remember picking it up and being hypnotized by the cover, but for some reason I just didn’t deem the movie worthy of my time. Perhaps it was because of the taglines ‘There’s something deadly in the air‘ and ‘It’ll blow you away‘. My younger mind may have thought that Demon Wind was about a deadly fart that you couldn’t escape once it got into the air. When in fact it’s just about a bunch of stupid kids who go up to a farm to investigate some missing grandparents or something. Luckily though, someone on Youtube was kind enough to compile a ‘best of‘ clip highlighting some of the classic moments to help sway me into possibly watching the full movie. Spoiler alerts obviously.
Ok. What the hell was I thinking not renting this movie back in the day? First of all, the magician scene was probably one of the best and most ridiculous scenes I’ve ever witnessed in a horror movie. And that alone makes Demon Wind a must-watch in my book. Add to that the terrible special effects and make-up, and we have ourselves a winner here as far as ‘best horror movie to watch when you’re fucked up‘. It looks like the original VHS version with the lenticular cover goes for upwards of $35 and there seems to only be a Region 2 DVD release. All signs point to Scream Factory or someone like that giving this the high-quality transfer that it deserves. I was wrong about you Demon Wind. You’re more than just a deadly fart movie. So much more.
Sometimes it’s amazing to know that certain things in the world actually exist. For instance – did you know that a motorized ice cream cone exists? If you didn’t, then please feel free to Google it and have your mind blown. And did you also know that four (yes, I said four) Wishmaster horror movies exist? Yeah, if your mind wasn’t blown by the motorized ice cream cone, then it surely is now.
Thanks to my friend alcohol, I was able to finally sit down and watch the 4th installment in the Wishmaster franchise, and I have to say that it was as gloriously bad as I had hoped. Our favorite wish-granting demon Djinn is back and this time he wants to fall in love. Awwwwww. But before he tries to seal the deal with a lucky lady, he has to have an epic fight in an alleyway with a meathead bouncer.
Well that was…..pretty awful. Can we talk for a minute about how we see Djinn literally smash the bouncer’s hand apart and then in the next shot, his hand is completely intact? Continuity is for suckers. And my boy Djinn should have gone to some voice-acting classes. He doesn’t sound very menacing, especially when he’s having a monologue with the now deceased bouncer about what day they pick up the trash. Speaking of which, gotta love how the bouncer just “floated” over to the dumpster so conveniently and being impaled by a pipe. It’s all in good cheesy Direct-to-DVD fun though, and Wishmaster 4 definitely delivered the goofy goods and also delivered one of the worst fight scenes in horror history. What’s that? You wish to see that clip again? GRANTED!
Nothing says a fun Saturday night like watching Ghoulies. Yeah, I said Ghoulies. I live a depressing life, but that’s not the focus here. The focus is on the fact that Ghoulies actually has a few good parts in it and isn’t just a clever poster with a slimy bald green monster popping up out of the toilet with the equally clever tagline “They’ll Get You In The End!” attached.
On this week’s Sunday Bloody Sunday, I’m spotlighting one of my favorite and creepiest scenes from 1985’s Ghoulies and of course it involves a clown because I don’t like clowns. Actually, this is more of a clown/jester hybrid that ends up being a green sharp-toothed monster underneath. No, it doesn’t make any sense, but it sure is fun to watch!
Well, it says a lot about the output of horror movies in January when my first review of the new year is a film about a killer garden gnome played by Verne Troyer. The questions is, what was more enjoyable: the Chocodile that I was eating while watching Gnome Alone or the actual movie? Let’s just say that I miss my Chocodile. Continue reading →