Dirty Horror Presents: “Bastaaaaaaaaaard!!!”

Few actresses have ever shown their range and thespian abilities like Lynda Day George in the 1982 slasher movie, Pieces.  Such poise.  Such grace. Such gratuitous over-acting.  All of this adds up to one of the best moments in horror movie history.  Strap yourselves in and prepare yourself for: “Bastaaaaaaaaaard!!!

Are you taking notes, Meryl Streep?  You damn well better be.  Lynda Day George took that to another level and we’re all better people for it.  You want to know the sad thing about that clip though?  It’s not even the best part in the movie.  Pieces is in another realm when it comes to bad horror, and I mean that in the most endearing way possible.  Unfortunately, the Blu-ray gods have yet to release this craptastic masterpiece, which is a god damn tragedy.  Seek it out on DVD if you can, and maybe you can surprise that horror movie lover in your life for the holidays!

piecesdude

Is The VHS Cover Better Than The Movie: Bloody New Year (1987)

2104 is almost here!  And I know what you’re thinking…..why haven’t there been any good horror movies centered around New Year’s Eve?  And to that I say…..Pfffft!  Have you not seen New Year’s Evil???  Ok – that’s a bad example because it sucks.  But maybe when you were younger, you stumbled across this gem from 1987:

Yes….it’s Bloody New Year!  And it even has a snappy tagline to coincide with the joyous ringing in of a new year:  ‘Should old aquaintance be forgot?  Or just brutally murdered.‘  Ooooooh.  Are you intrigued?  Well, you really shouldn’t be because the point of this post is to ask if the VHS cover is better than the actual movie.  And in this case, it is.

Haha!  Look at that skeleton on the cover!  Here’s got a New Year’s party favor in his mouth AND a party hat on!  And trust me, it’s more entertaining than anything in the movie.  However, if you are looking for a horror movie that is based around New Year’s Eve that makes absolutely no sense at all, in a cheesy good kind of way, give Bloody New Year a whirl.  For me, I’ll just keep looking at that VHS cover for my entertainment.  Haha – did I mention that the skeleton has a party favor in his mouth!?!  And that disco ball in the background only means one thing:  that skeleton is gonna get down and get funky!  Happy New Year, everyone!

*Did I leave the iron on when I left the house?*

Dirty Horror’s Bottom 5 Horror Movies Of 2013

Who farted???  No one?  Ahhhh.  That smell then is the stench of bad horror movies from 2013.  And there were definitely some stinkers, but only a handful deserve mention in Dirty Horror’s Bottom 5 Horror Movies Of 2013.  Let’s get this shitfest started!   Continue reading

Horror What Ifs: An NES Version Of ‘Garbage Day’ From ‘Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2’

What if someone made a Nintendo version of the classic ‘Garbage Day’ scene from Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2?  No longer do you have to wonder, because someone did!

For those in the dark here, Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2 was the 1987 sequel that literally recycled 45 minutes of content from the original movie that was released in 1984.  But one original scene that more than made up for that lazy effort was indeed when Ricky (the brother of Billy from the first film) goes on a neighborhood shooting rampage which is highlighted by Ricky taking out a poor sap who just wants to take his garbage cans to the curb for it’s weekly pick up.  And it was the “Garbage Day!” line by Ricky that made it the cult phenomena that it is today.

So how awesome is it that someone took the time to make a Nintendo 16-bit version of that scene?  Pretty damn awesome.  If only someone developed it into a real playable game.  We can dream though, and it is the holiday season after all where miracles do happen.  So think of this post as my holiday gift to you, because you’re not getting that Xbox 360 or Playstation 4 system that you’ve put on the top of your list.

When The Poster Is Better Than The Movie: Mountaintop Motel Massacre (1986)

Let that baby sink in for a minute.  Now that’s a cheesy 80’s horror movie poster!  Effective to say the least, the poster for 1986’s Mountaintop Motel Massacre brought the goodness.  Unfortunately, the movie was straight doodoo.

The plot involves a crazy old lady named Evelyn who murders people who stay at her motel.  And how does she do this?  By popping up from secret contraptions via a tunnel in the guest’s rooms and dropping off rattlesnakes, cockroaches, and rats.  And she swings a mean little sickle too.  Albeit she swings it very, very slowly and it boggled my mind how some of these grown ass men didn’t just kick her old ass down before she ended up stabbing them. Oh well.

Did I mention there’s a black guy named Crewshaw (yes, Crewshaw) who has some snappy dialogue and zingers throughout the movie?  Case in point: Crewshaw is awoken by having about fifty cockroaches crawling all over him thanks to Eveyln and promptly let’s off this jewel – “They shoulda called this a roach motel!“.  Oh, that Crewshaw!  Too bad he gets his hand chopped off and throat slit later.

My biggest reason why the poster for Mountaintop Motel Massacre is better than the actual movie is the classic case of ‘bait and switch’.  Unless my eyes are foggy, the crazy woman on the poster is that the same crazy woman in the movie.  False advertising!  For shame.  And the debate can rage on about whether or not I’ve proven my point with all of this, but there is one thing that I know we can all agree on:  Crewshaw and his awesome name will forever be missed.  RIP.

Horror Movie Posters I Love: Hell Night (1981)

The forgotten slasher movies.  1981’s Hell Night definitely falls into that category.  Whether it’s forgotten good or forgotten bad, one thing’s for sure – I love the poster for it!

Yes, that’s Linda Blair.  And yes, this was released 4 years after the debacle that was Exorcist II: The Heretic.  As for the movie itself, Hell Night is standard slasher fare.  It revolves around a sorority initiation and a killer named Andrew The Gork.  Not quite sure what the hell a gork is, but Roger Ebert gave his definition in his review back in 1981:

Gork  (n.) Deformed, violent creature that lurks in horror movies, jumping out of basement shadows and decapitating screaming teenagers.

Thanks Roger.  Anyway, Hell Night hasn’t gotten a decent DVD or Blu-ray release and I think it deserves it.  It’s not mind-blowing by any slasher standards, but it’s enjoyable 80’s cheese.  And I do love me some cheese, especially cheddar.  But the poster for me is head and shoulders above most in the genre. It captures that cheesiness, and grabs your attention, which is what it did when I rented the movie back in the 80’s.  And I dig the tagline too: Pray For Day.  Subtle, but horrifically charming at the same time.  Big thumbs up for the Hell Night poster and a wavy shake of the hand for the actual movie.  And an even bigger thumbs up for Andrew The Gork!  There’s a huge gork shortage in horror today.

Before There Were SyFy Channel Movies……

…….there was Frogs.

Oh – and let’s not forget about Night Of The Lepus too.

Both came out in 1972.  One about man-eating frogs.  The other about giant killer rabbits.  My point?  Don’t really have one other than the fact that ridiculous horror movies have been around way before Sharknado and Megapython vs. Gatoroid.  Time to get off SyFy Channel’s nuts I guess is the point that I am trying to make.  I love shark infused tornadoes as much as the next bad movie lover, but would it kill SyFy to make a movie that doesn’t require CGI that can be done on my Macbook?  Don’t worry SyFy, I’ll still ride with you.  I can only hope that Bronson Pinchot from Perfect Strangers is on your short list of has-been actors who can star in your next movie about a thunderstorm that rains down man-eating cats.  Hopefully it would be called……..wait for it……..Thundercats.

Horror Movie Posters I Love: The Unborn (2009)

While babysitting a boy and his baby brother, Casey Beldon has a dreadful nightmare involving a weird dog and an evil child, and she tells her best friend Romy over the……..oh who gives a sh*t – let’s see that poster!

Asstastic!  Welcome to the only redeeming quality of the 2009 evil possession movie, The Unborn.  Yes, Odette Yustman’s ass.  And the only reason that this poster gains a spot on my ‘Horror Movie Posters I Love‘ ongoing feature. True, the movie sucks bad, but kudos to those involved in the marketing for the movie with this backside heavy one-sheet.  The only way that the poster could have been more effective, would be for her to be looking at her own ass in the mirror instead of that creepy ghost boy.  That way you see, we get double the ass!  We’ll settle for the solo ass though and suffer with a shitty movie to balance everything out.

No way we’re ending this post with that creepy ghost boy!

Better……