Tag Archives: bad horror remakes

More ‘Day Of The Dead’ Remake Fuckery Is Upon Us…….

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More than 30 years later and they still can’t seem to get a Day Of The Dead sequel/reboot right.  First we had the tremendously bad Day Of The Dead 2: Contagium go surprisingly straight-to-video in 2005.  Then we had a ‘loose’ remake title Day Of The Dead also go straight-to-video in 2008, and it starred Nick Cannon as a wannabe zombie-killing bad ass.  I’ll let that sink in for a minute.  And now, the Day Of The Dead remake gods are at it again with ANOTHER version of the George A. Romero 1985 classic.  And thanks to Bloody Disgusting, we got a sneak peek at the character MAX, who is a reboot of BUB from the original.

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What in thee fuck.  Now I have nothing against the actor portraying MAX here (Johnathon Schaech), but this just doesn’t seem right.  First of all, BUB was a character that should never even try to be duplicated.  He was, and is, an iconic horror figure and one of the best attempts in a horror movie at evoking emotion from the audience for a character. And if you read the short synopsis of this remake (which seems to be a more true remake this time around), then the fuckery gets even worse:

Day Of The Dead follows a former medical student tormented by a dark figure from her past, who happens to be a half-human, half-zombie hell-bent on destroying her.  

Oh sweet fancy Moses.  So we have a half-human, half-zombie on a mission to get revenge?  Sounds lovely.  And let me guess…..MAX is going to be that half-human, half-zombie?  Hence why he has to be chained up maybe?  Love it or hate (I’m with the latter), this remake of Day Of The Dead is in production and it will become a reality soon.  I reached out to Captain Rhodes from the original movie and this was his reaction:

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Non-Anticipation Alert: Martyrs (2016)

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Rejoice!  The trailer for the Martyrs remake is here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Let’s watch it!

…….Hmmmmm……So what’s everybody doing for Christmas?  Anything good going on in the world of sports nowadays?  Clearly if you can’t tell, I’m avoiding talking about the trailer.  To start – it can be said that the original French version of Martyrs is one of those films that had a strong impact on me after I watched it.  It’s definitely not for everyone, and will most likely turn your stomach in different directions, but the original Martyrs is the epitome of an impactful horror movie.

So what’s my beef with the remake and the trailer?  Mostly that it’s the definition of an unnecessary remake.  Now, I did hear good things about the Goetz Brothers’ first film Scenic Route, so I’m not going to fault them for trying to tackle Martyrs here.  But when you watch the trailer, the editing is choppy and it screams ‘direct-to-DVD’, which after further investigation seems to be the case.

Anchor Bay will be releasing it in limited theaters and Digital HD on January 22nd, but then quickly putting it out on VOD, DVD, and Blu-ray two weeks later. And that my friends is a slap in the face to the original and more proof that there was no need to remake it.  So let’s take a look back at one of the scenes from the fantastic original Martyrs and wash this bad remake taste out of our mouths ASAP:

How Bad Can You F*ck Up A ‘Cujo’ Remake?

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Pretty bad apparently.  I heard the news the other day that there was indeed a Cujo remake in the works.  At first glance, it’s not a terrible idea to update the 1983 original, because it’s a movie that actually could benefit from the remake treatment.  All of those thoughts quickly drifted out of my mind when I found out this potential remake is going to be called not just Cujo, but C.U.J.O. – and that of course would stand for Canine Unit Joint Operations.  What do you think of that Dee Wallace Stone?

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Yeah – we’re right there with you, sister.  Now, not much has been said about what the actual plot of this remake will be, but judging from the title, here’s what I can determine:  We’re going to have a bunch of slobbering and foaming at the mouth Saint Bernards who got bit by rabid bats running around in the military and carrying out special co-op missions while a grown up version of the kid from Who’s The Boss watches on and applauds their progress.

While I hope I’m wrong (except for the part about Danny Pintauro returning), it does seem as though there’s going to be some kind of military element involved here.  Which makes absolutely no fucking sense.  This sounds like it should be more a Man’s Best Friend remake instead of a Cujo one.  For those not aware, Man’s Best Friend was a pretty terrible 1993 movie about a killer Mastiff dog who can climb trees to eat cats and it also had this precious tagline:  Nature created him. Science perfected him. But no one can control him.  So to take that bad taste out of our mouths of the upcoming Cujo – oh I’m sorry – C.U.J.O. remake, let’s watch the trailer to Man’s Best Friend instead.  

 

Dirty Horror’s 2014 New Year’s Resolutions

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Sadly, 2013 is gone.  And we’ll never get to see her again.  Oh sure, we had our fun times and may have even objectified her a tad, but she’s gone like a stinky fart in the wind.  Enter in her replacement:  2014.  And to make 2014 feel welcome, especially in the horror blogging world, I’m going to give my New Year’s resolutions to make her feel wanted and loved and to make sure that I give her everything that I couldn’t give 2013.

Resolution #1:  Watch the first season and new season of Bates Motel

One of my regrets from 2013 was that I bailed early on AMC’s show, Bates Motel.  It wasn’t that I wasn’t into it mind you…..it was just that I got caught up in so many other shows, that I neglected it.  To make matters worse, I watched an entire season of that shit show Under The Dome, but didn’t give Bates Motel the time of day.  But not this year.  I’m watching the first season and giving the second season my undivided and full attention when it starts on March 3rd.  The lovely Vera Farmiga would want it that way.

 

Resolution #2:  I will try to have more of an open mind with horror remakes

Yeah.  I’m one of those horror fans.  The one who screams to the mountain tops when a remake is announced.  And I’ll admit, I tend to be a little set in my ways and hate for the sake of hating when it comes to remakes.  Not that I don’t give some their praise though (Maniac, Evil Dead), but the majority that do come out get an extra dose of shit piled on them from me.  See last year’s Carrie review for proof.  But this year, I want to change.  I want to (grits teeth hard) have hope for the Robocop remake.  I want to not roll my eyes when the new Poltergeist remake releases a trailer.  Seriously?!  They’re remaking Poltergeist!?  What the f*ck?!!!  Ok, this is gonna be harder than I thought.

 

Resolution #3:  Watch and listen to more commentary tracks on horror Blu-ray releases

Nothing irritates me more about myself than plucking down $25 for a new Blu-ray release, only to watch the movie and pay zero attention to the extras that are included.  Can’t explain why I do it, but I’m sure part of it is laziness and the other part has something to do with my constant ADD frame of mind.  This year, I want to appreciate and enjoy some of the extras that come with Blu-ray releases, especially the commentary tracks.  Companies like Scream Factory are busting their ass to give fans what the want with their releases, and here’s somebody like me sitting on his ass only watching the movie.  And to that I say (while semi-violently pumping my fist in the air):  It’s time for a change!

 

Resolution #4:  Try and get on board with the Paranormal Activity franchise  

Not one, but two new Paranormal Activity movies are coming out in 2014.  And judging from the list of horror movies that will be hitting the big screen this year, the Paranormal movies are looking more and more appealing.  But here’s the thing:  I don’t understand the love that these movies get.  I saw the first one.  Saw the third one as well.  Heard the fourth one was crap, so I didn’t bother.  But now I’m hearing all sorts of good buzz about Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones which comes out this week, so I feel it might be time for me to jump on board with this franchise.  If I was able to ride for seven straight Saw movies, I can surely give these found footage flicks a chance, right?  Of course I can!  I can do it!!!  Because I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggone it, people like me.  Thanks, Stuart Smalley!

The Horror Forecast For The Next Few Months In Theaters Calls For…….Nothing.

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The horror business is really booming on television right now.  I’m talking about you, The Walking Dead.  And you, American Horror Story.  But not so much about you Dracula, because you’re probably going to get cancelled.  The point I’m trying to make here is that to get your horror fix nowadays, there are more than enough viable ways to get it on the old boob tube.  So that must mean that since horror is all the rage on TV, we’re going to have a lot to choose from on the big screen too, right?  Nope.  No sir.  No ma’am.  No shit.

I did a little piece last month about the absence of horror movies for October and more importantly, for Halloween.  Sure we had the Carrie remake to satisfy our urge, but unfortunately, I had to go eat ten Snickers bars afterward to get my true satisfaction due to the fact that the movie sucked ass.  And now I look into my magic horror crystal ball toward the future months ahead and I see………….absolutely nothing.  You might think I’m exaggerating, oh but I’m not.  Not unless you’re seriously excited about Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones.

You know the excitement you get when a big horror movie is coming out?  Well prepare to push that excitement to the limit when I, Frankenstein comes out on January 24th!  Oh yeah!  Looks like if you’ve been yearning for something that could be just as terrible as Van Helsing, you’ll be in luck on January 24th. And if you’re not tired of the whole found footage “my baby might be the Devil” storyline, make sure to check out Devil’s Due a week earlier on January 17th! Wow!  Maybe I was wrong about all of this!  Sarcasm can go a long way, especially when you’re talking about crappy horror movies that are coming out in theaters over the next few months.

In fact, it’s not until The Purge 2 on June 20th, that a somewhat favorable horror movie comes out, and even that one’s a little suspect.  But seriously. June 20th?  There will be a few diamonds in the rough along the way that will most likely be limited releases (Wolf Creek 2, Here Comes The Devil), but the horror well looks to be pretty dry my friends.  Unless of course you’ve been fiending for Leprechaun: Origins.  So turn on your televisions horror fans and relish in the silver lining throughout all of this.  The fact that you can save some movie theater cash and go see Saw VIII ten times when it comes out in October.  Now that is a silver lining.

Review: Carrie (2013)

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Meh.  I have a feeling there are going to be a lot of those in this review.  I really hate pointless remakes, especially when dealing in the horror genre.  Trying to keep an open mind can be tough when a remake is in the works, and my mind was already three-fourths closed when the remake was announced for 1976’s horror classic, Carrie.  Yes, the movie where the term ‘dirty pillows’ was introduced along with pig’s blood at the prom.  Directed by Brian De Palma with Oscar nominated performances from Sissy Spacek and Piper Laurie, the original Carrie stands the test of time based off of those performances and it’s vivid and intense imagery throughout.  So what about the remake?  Does it do the original justice?  Does it add anything new?  Meh.    Continue reading →

October And Halloween Are Almost Here: Check Out The Horror Releases Coming To Theaters!

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C’mon September.  Get your lame ass over with already because October is waiting around the corner and I bet it’s got a bunch of horror movies lined up to get all of us ready for Halloween!  I’m salivating already, but I also have a drooling problem at times so it’s hard to differentiate between the two.  Alright! So what’s the first big horror movie that the studios are going to throw at us to blow us away?

 

Dario Argento’s Dracula 3D (October 4th)

Wait……ok.  Starting us off slow I see so that you can deliver that knockout punch later, right?  Sorry Dario, but Dracula 3D is dog shit and you don’t get a pass just because you gave us Suspiria.  Not to mention that this movie will probably only be playing in 5 theaters across the country.  Next please.

 

All The Boys Love Mandy Lane (October 11th) 

Yeeeeah – now we’re not talking!  What the fuck?  A movie (subpar movie at that) that was originally supposed to come out 7 years ago and a movie that I watched online….well….7 years ago.  Sigh.  Bear in mind as you keep reading this post that the amazing Halloween anthology movie Trick ‘r Treat NEVER got any kind of theatrical release.  Ok, let’s move on because I’m starting to get depressed.

 

Carrie (October 18th) 

Given the news that they finally revealed that the Carrie remake will indeed be Rated R, it perked my interest up just a tad.  Overall though, this is another unnecessary remake that I’m sure will have great performances by Julianne Moore and Chloe Grace Moretz, but feels sacrilegious (pun!) to me.  Stepping into Sissy Spacek’s shoes is a tough task, but I get it, this is the Carrie for the “new” generation.  Looks pretty much like a shot-for-shot remake too which……YAWN…….sorry, I’m already bored with the movie just talking about it.    I’m sure something big is planned for the weekend before Halloween to make up for all of this nonsense!

 

………………………….. (October 25th)

No, that’s not the title of a movie.  It’s symbolizing that there is no movie.  Let me say it a little louder so you can understand.  THERE IS NO HORROR MOVIE COMING TO THEATERS THE WEEKEND BEFORE HALLOWEEN!  It’s at this point in the post that I actually miss the Saw movies.  And I maybe even miss the Paranormal Activity movies a little too.  Just a little.  Horror is big right now, and this is the best that the studios can give us this year for the Halloween month of October?  Ahh fuck it – I’m just going to go pop in my Night Of The Demons DVD and watch Linnea Quigley push a tube of lipstick into her nipple.

Am I Wrong For Wanting Another ‘Friday The 13th’ Movie?

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It’s crazy because I was just finishing up writing this post about how I wanted another Friday The 13th movie, and low and behold, Paramount has obtained full rights from Warner Bros, and now has 5 years to crank out as many Fridays as it can!  So yeah, still read my post about it to get my take on the future of the franchise in general:  

Let me get this out there right away:  I actually kind of liked the 2009 Friday The 13th reboot/remake.  No where near as awful or groan-inducing as the Nightmare On Elm Street retry abortion, the Friday reboot actually had a decent set of balls attached to it.  And a few great pairs of boobs too.  I loved the beginning scene with the first set of victims, but then once it got into the whole ‘my sister is missing’ territory, it lost steam pretty quick.  The kills were there, but they were uninspired and I felt that had they just stuck to a bare bones script (keeping the boobs of course and some inventive kills), we would have been much better off.  But I didn’t hate it, which is why I’m a little surprised that there isn’t a sequel in the works or even any real substantial talk about one.

*wow!  those machete seeds grew faster than I thought!*

The film made money.  And horror, for the moment anyway, seems to be on the rise again as far as movies and TV go.  They’ve pretty much already greenlit another Texas Chainsaw Massacre movie, and that reboot/remake sucked ass.  So what’s the deal?  I know that there are issues with the whole Paramount/Warner Bros distribution rights fiasco.  Or maybe it was the Nightmare On Elm Street rework a year later that gave everyone cold feet to step back inside Camp Crystal Lake?  Look, it’s not rocket science.  Have someone come up with a basic premise, add some hot girls, some dumb decisions, and a few interesting/holy shit death scenes, and the horror masses will be happy.  Kind of sounds like I’m riffing off of the whole Cabin In The Woods message, eh?

*worst hide and seek game ever*

I think they can get this one right.  The horror remake track record is not strong, but I have to believe that whoever is involved can take Friday The 13th back to the roots and spit out something that we can swallow.  I’m down with Jason Mears strapping on the hockey mask again and I also wouldn’t be opposed to doing something fun in 3D, ala what they did with My Bloody Valentine.  To this day, one of the best movie experiences I’ve had was a packed Midnight 3D showing of Friday The 13th Part 3, with the original cast in attendance.  Maybe even give Crispin Glover a call, since I’m pretty sure that you can get him for cheap nowadays.