Dirty Horror Presents: Jack Frost’s ‘Bad Pun Of The Week’!

Snow is falling outside.  Carolers are caroling in the streets.  And people are inside nestled around the fireplace while watching the 1997 horror (and I use that term loosely) movie Jack Frost.  A huge guilty pleasure of mine that has earned it’s place atop my ‘Required Viewing’ list for Chirstmas, Jack Frost is full of ridiculous moments and even more ridiculous puns.  So let’s treat ol’ Jack like a stand-up comic and have him deliver us his ‘Bad Pun Of The Week’!

Well it took a while to get to it, but boy did Jack Frost deliver that pun!  See, if you’re slow – he wanted a cigarette.  And the guy had an axe.  So when Jack shoved the axe down the guy’s throat (which didn’t quite look right if you think of the length of the handle and how it stuck in the guy’s mouth), he used the axe part in his pun when he talked about asking for a cigarette!  Hilarity.  If you’d like to watch that scene again in glorious Blu-ray quality, then go and purchase the newly released Blu-ray copy HERE.

Random Christmas Horror Movies: P2 (2007)

With Christmas fast approaching, I’ve started gathering up my favorite horror movies to watch around this time of the year.  Black Christmas?  Check! Silent Night, Deadly Night?  Check!  Jack Frost 2: Revenge Of The Mutant Killer Snowmen?  Double check!  But with my old age comes forgetfulness, and I always seem to not remember that the 2007 movie P2 is a Christmas horror movie and might deserve to be in my rotation.

P2 is a delightful tale about a woman named Angela (Rachel Nichols) who is stalked in her parking garage at work by a security guard named Thomas (Wes Bentley).  Fun fact:  Wes Bentley can be seen in the last few seasons of American Horror Story!  So anyway, in the movie it all takes place on Christmas Eve night which is a good indication that this is a Christmas horror movie.  Oh – and Elvis’ ‘Blue Christmas‘ makes an appearance during a stalking scene and that’s a bonus for me because I love that song.

And so the stalking goes on.  And Angela runs around in a low-cut wet shirt, with her two main large assets bouncing around like jingle bells.  Bouncing and bouncing and bouncing……..I’m sorry – what was I talking about?  Oh yeah – the stalking continues and it obviously comes to a predictable cliched climax. But before we can climax, we need to have more bloody fun!  So if you haven’t seen P2 and are deciding whether or not to give it a whirl, check out the clip below with one of the best ‘body smashing with a car’ kills ever.  Merry Christmas, everybody!

Ho-Ho-Holy Shit! The ‘Krampus’ Trailer Has Arrived!

I have to admit that I’ve become a bit obsessed and fascinated by the folklore involving Krampus, the horned and hoofed creature that would come around at Christmastime to torment bad little girls and boys.  Had I known about it as a child, I probably would have behaved much better considering the alternative if Krampus ever found me.  No child wants to be stuffed into a burlap sack and dragged away to a cave to be eaten.  And now finally, we will get a proper movie version of the story, thanks to writer/director Michael Dougherty, appropriately titled Krampus.

Well that looks like a lot of fun, doesn’t it?!?  For those living under a rock for the last 8 years, Michael Dougherty wrote and directed the AMAZING Halloween anthology movie, Trick ‘r Treat.  And if you’ve seen that (and shame on you if you haven’t), then you can see his stamp all over the Krampus trailer stylistically and with the tongue-in-cheek humor.

We haven’t had a really good Christmas horror movie in a while (Rare Exports was good, but more fantasy than horror in my opinion), so Krampus will be welcomed with open arms when it’s released in December.  Hopefully it will live up to the hype of the trailer and of the poster below, which somehow reminds me of another Christmastime horror movie called Elves.  Let’s just all hope that the comparisons stop at the poster for that one.  Look for Krampus in what will most likely be a small theater run (although I’m hoping for a bigger one) on December 4th!

krampus-poster1

Give Me The Creeps: ‘Billy’s Eye’ From ‘Black Christmas’ (1974)

You know who would really be the life of your holiday party this year?  Billy from 1974’s classic slasher, Black Christmas!  He would definitely have you covered if you needed the following:  some plastic bags for whatever reason, an obscene phone call that emphasizes the word ‘cunt’, and a creepy peeping eyeball.

Speaking of creepy – not many movies creep me out more than Bob Clark’s, Black Christmas.  A definite pioneer in the slasher genre, it manages to make your skin crawl just off of the opening sequence alone.  But the scene with Billy’s aforementioned creepy eye takes the creepy cake for sure.  So let’s all watch together as Jess (Olivia Hussey) runs frantically through the house and encounters Billy and his eerie peeping peeper.

Thank God For Grandpa Chapman From ‘Silent Night, Deadly Night’ (1984)

There have been many scene stealers throughout the history of cinema. Daniel Day Lewis in Gangs Of New York.   Anthony Hopkins in Silence Of The Lambs.  And of course, the crazy nursing home Grandpa from Silent Night Deadly Night.  And what Christmas Eve would be complete without Grandpa Chapman’s warning to a young Billy Chapman about Santa Claus?

Yeah.  F*ck hearing Twas The Night Before Christmas…..I’ll take the old man’s bat shit crazy rant over that any day.  So, Merry Christmas Eve everybody and just remember to heed Grandpa Chapman’s words of wisdom this season.  If you see Santa Claus, you better run.  If you’ve been naughty, you better run faster.  And if you see Grandpa Chapman, I’d keep young kids away from him for obvious reasons.

*What do you mean I smell like cough drops and Ben-Gay?*

Horror Holiday Gifts: Original U.S. Poster For ‘Black Christmas’

Less than a week left until Christmas, and I bet a lot of you have been procrastinating on buying those presents for your loved ones.  That’s where I come in to save the day!  But only if that loved one is a huge horror fan and only if you have $800 to spend.

Up on Ebay right now, you can purchase an original U.S. one sheet for the 1974 Bob Clark classic, Black Christmas.  Ask pretty much any true horror fan and I bet that Black Christmas is #1 on their list of Christmas-themed horror movies.  But did you know that it was originally released in the U.S. as Silent Night Evil Night?  And also Stranger In The House for those playing at home.

The poster that is for sale on Ebay is the original with the Silent Night Evil Night title and can be yours for about $800.  A moderately large price to pay for a slice of pretty sweet horror memorabilia.  You can check the listing out HERE, but if that is a little too steep for you, there are 4 copies of the poster for Santa With Muscles for sale at $18 a pop.  Just don’t blame me for the looks of disappointment you’ll get from whoever you give those to.

Here’s Your Mickey Rooney Fix For The Holiday Season……

No Christmas is complete without a Mickey Rooney clip from Silent Night, Deadly Night 5: The Toy Maker.

Yeah!  Stuff that in your stocking.  Make no mistake about it, this is a terrible movie.  But it’s got Mickey Rooney as a crazy old guy who somehow makes toys that kill people, awkward sex scenes, and a lot of Pinocchio references. So there is a certain charm that accompanies this fifth sequel (yes….fifth) in the Silent Night, Deadly Night franchise.  So when you’re sitting around the fireplace with your Christmas tree lit in the background this year, go on and pop in Silent Night Deadly Night Part 5: The Toy Maker.  You’ll make the Simpsons version of Mickey Rooney smile.

Sunday Bloody Sunday: ‘Xmas Ornament Death’ From ‘Jack Frost’ (1997)

Having trouble finding the right way to decorate your Christmas tree this year?  No problem!  Call our favorite straight-to-DVD homicidal snowman, Jack Frost, and he’ll help you out!  Welcome to another edition of Sunday Bloody Sunday where I give to you, usually in Youtube form, some of my favorite death scenes from horror movies past and present.  And to keep the Yuletide mood going, I wanted to revisit 1997’s killer snowman cheesefest, Jack Frost.

Most known probably for the random Shannon Elizabeth cameo where she pretty much gets raped in the bathtub by ol’ Frosty, I wanted to spotlight another scene where a woman meets her untimely and rather festive death by way of Christmas ornaments and lights.

He is creative, I’ll give him that.  Obviously a movie that falls into the horror/comedy category, Jack Frost deserves to be viewed this holiday season, preferably while being completely drunk or stoned.  And here’s a fun fact:  this movie came out a year before that equally creepy Michael Keaton movie with the same name.  Good to know that a maniacal snowman could pave the way for other talking snowmen in film.  Salute!

Sunday Bloody Sunday: ‘Sledding Death’ From ‘Silent Night, Deadly Night’ (1984)

Forget shooting your eye out with a BB gun…..what you really need to watch out for around Christmas time is an axe wielding killer Santa Claus who is out to decapitate you if you steal a sled from a group of kids.  Yeah, that’s much worse than damaging your cornea.  Welcome to another edition of Sunday Bloody Sunday, where I share some of my favorite death scenes from the world of horror – past and present.  And to get in on the Christmas spirit, this week I’m spotlighting the infamous sledding death scene from the controversial 1984 slasher:  Silent Night, Deadly Night.

Billy sure did have a hell of swing.  Slight disclosure – that clip is from the hilariously bad sequel Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2.  Considering that half of that movie contained flashbacks from the original, there’s not really a difference though.  So what do you take away from that clip?  Two things really.  First, it really warms my insides and makes me miss 80’s slasher flicks.  And two, sledding can be extremely dangerous if you don’t take the proper precautions.  Right, Chevy Chase?

Horror Movie Posters I Love: Silent Night, Deadly Night (1984)

Tis the season to break out your favorite Christmas-themed horror movies! And one that should be on the top of your list is the controversial 1984 slasher, Silent Night, Deadly Night.  But as much as I would love to talk about the actual movie and discuss Linnea Quigley’s super awesome nude ‘antlers through the chest’ death scene, we’re talking posters here and the poster for Silent Night, Deadly Night is a cheesy gem.

Obviously playing off of the whole holiday horror theme, thanks largely in part to Halloween, this poster to me captures everything that was great about 80’s horror movies.  Being that the movie caused a huge uproar, the poster alone was controversial considering what a beloved figure that Santa Claus is supposed to be.  He’s supposed to be jolly and when he laughs he’s supposed to shake like a bowl full of jelly.  So, here we have him holding an axe with blood dripping font in the movie title for the movie poster.  Not exactly family friendly, but therein lies the appeal to me.

This is the epitome of a perfect poster for a not-so-perfect movie though. Gotta love that ‘He knows when you’ve been naughty‘ tagline too!  And being that this is a personal favorite of mine, I’ll be spotlighting more from it in the weeks to come before the big day of December 25th.  To yuletide you over for now, enjoy the poster and this lovely drawing below that Billy did while in Catholic school.  Just precious.