Review: Cabin Fever (2016)

When I first heard that Eli Roth’s Cabin Fever was being remade, I had to do some serious math in my head.  Add the 2, multiply the 4, carry the 3 and……holy shit – it’s been almost 15 years since it was released!  Even though that seems like a somewhat high number and makes me feel slightly old, I’m not sure it’s long enough to warrant the remake treatment.  But with Eli Roth’s blessing and guidance, writer Randy Pearlstein and director Travis Zariwny set out to accomplish just that, with early news breaking that they would ‘put their own spin’ on Roth’s original.  Well they must have been drinking contaminated water when they said that, because the only spinning going on here is from your head wondering why this was even made.  Harsh?  Yeah.  So let’s get into it.   Continue reading

Oh…..So They’re Remaking ‘The Blob’?

Maybe my finger just isn’t on the pulse of horror as much as it should be, because I either completely forgot or didn’t realize that there was another remake of The Blob in the works.  Once attached to Rob Zombie (which would have been……interesting), it looks like director Simon West is going behind the camera to bring our favorite blobby killer to the big screen again.

I believe I’ve let it be known that I hold the 1988 remake of The Blob in the highest regard as far as horror remakes go.  It paid homage to the 1958 original and introduced some amazing practical make-up effects for it’s time (not including Kevin Dillon’s hair) that still hold up to this day.  Not sure that we really need another rendition or update to The Blob, but it looks as though Samuel L. Jackson will be our main star battling the reincarnated blob.

samuel-jackson

Not a bad choice, but what troubles me is that director Simon West has said that ‘with modern CGI we can now fully realize the potential of The Blob‘. Granted there was some bad 80’s CGI in the 1988 version, but these days CGI is overused in a lot movies, including horror.  As long as those involved with this remake/reboot have fun with it and don’t make things too serious, we might be ok.  We’ll know more once a trailer pops up as far as what we’re dealing with though, so until then let’s enjoy all of the death scenes from the 1988 classic (yep, I’m calling it a classic):

So, About This ‘Martyrs’ Remake…….

I haven’t went on a good rant in a while.  And what better place to start it back up than with this upcoming remake of the amazing 2008 French horror movie, Martyrs.

I’ll save my breath about Hollywood and the fact that they can’t come up with any original ideas anymore for horror movies, let alone movies in general.  The soon-to-be released Poltergeist remake looks pretty much like a CGI-infused carbon copy of the original.  And don’t get me started on this “exact script as the original” version for the Cabin Fever that’s going to be forced upon us soon.  But none gets my blood boiling more than the upcoming remake of Martyrs, a truly original and mesmerizing horror masterpiece in my opinion that not only punches you in the gut while you watch it, but makes you contemplate something as important and thought provoking as afterlife.  Oh, and it’s got one amazing shotgun blast death scene too.

Tremendous, isn’t it?  If you’ve seen the original Martrys, then I don’t have to tell you it goes to places that most American films don’t have the balls to go to. And therein lies the problem with this remake.  I just don’t have an ounce of faith that it will take you to where the original went and make you feel what the original made you feel in the end.  Martyrs was one of the only horror movies that literally made me sit in silence after I watched it for a good 15 minutes or so.  But who knows….maybe the directing duo of The Goetz Brothers (there are two of them, so maybe that’s an advantage) will prove me wrong and deliver something faithful and honorable to that 2008 version.  At least they’re not overselling it already and calling it ‘The Ultimate Horror Movie‘ or anything like that.

Poster-Presales

Fuck……

The Wilford Brimley Clip Of The Day!

Treasured actor Wilford Brimley is basically known for two things:  Oatmeal and Diabetes.  Those are both terrible in their own right, but what I will always remember Mr. Brimley for is the amazing tirade he threw in John Carpenter’s The Thing.

Damn, he went off!  Swinging that axe like a lumberjack and shooting that pistol like he was in the Old Wild West.  Not a bad pistol throw at the end out of desperation either.  I love this movie and every time this scene comes up, I can’t help but laugh.  I also can’t help but feel very sad though as well……and do you know why?  Because in this movie, Wilford Brimley was CLEAN SHAVEN!  Oh the horror…..and a travesty for sure.  Nowhere in sight is his iconic flavor savor that would later go on to have him compared to cats until the day he died.  RIP Wilford Brimley.  Oh….he’s not dead?  Hooray!!!  Let’s celebrate by looking at one of those cat look-a-like pictures then!

Look-alike-cat-and-their-owners

Sunday Bloody Sunday: ‘Chainsaw In The Mouth’ From ‘Evil Dead’ (2013)

Here’s a little nugget of knowledge that will help you along as you go through the journey of life:  Don’t ever talk shit to someone that’s holding a chainsaw.  Especially when you’re already missing appendages and can barely walk.

Welcome to Sunday Bloody Sunday where I’m going full on gore this week with the gnarly ‘chainsaw through the mouth’ killing at the end of 2013’s, Evil Dead.  I dug this remake/reboot and the ending definitely got points for letting the red stuff fly!  I wouldn’t advise eating your breakfast while you watch this, but click the button below to watch our heroine Mia shut up that demonic abomination for good……

Today Is The Day That ‘The Blob’ Blu-ray Will Be Released…….

Cue up some annoying trumpets and the 2001: A Space Odyssey theme song.  Today is a joyous day indeed.  It’s the day that Twilight Time will be finally be releasing 1988’s The Blob remake on Blu-ray!

182332BLOB4

For those of you who don’t know, Twilght Time is a company that puts out limited edition versions of movies onto Blu-ray.  In the past, they’ve released horror titles like Christine and Fright Night in quantities of only 3000 total. Bad news for those who couldn’t grab those, because they’re up on Ebay for upwards of $100.  Now, for The Blob release – they’ve upped the number to 5000, so you’ve got a better shot to pick one up at cost.  Do it quick though, because I suspect by tomorrow that they’ll be sold out.  Head over to their site HERE today at 4:00 EST and snag one up.  Word is it will be around $30 or so. Blob remake enthusiasts unite!

Sunday Bloody Sunday: ‘Sink Death’ From ‘The Blob’ (1988)

One of the most annoying things in the world besides Taylor Swift, is a clogged up sink drain.  Sure, sometimes Drano or a plunger can do the trick – but what happens when the backup is so bad that you’re close to dialing up the plumber to pay money for something you should be able to do yourself?

Welcome to Sunday Bloody Sunday and welcome to the worst drain blockage of all time.  Hair?  No.  Broccoli florets?  Nope.  How about a murderous oozing blob that pretty much instantly kills you upon contact?  Bingo!  Yeah, I’m talking about the awesome 1988 remake of The Blob, and more specifically about one of the many equally awesome death scenes in the movie.  Since we’re talking clogged up sinks, if you’ve seen the movie then you know where this is going.   Click below and watch this poor bastard get sucked down a drain like a rag doll and celebrate the wonders of 80’s horror in the process:

Sunday Bloody Sunday: ‘Nasty Scalping’ From ‘Maniac’ (2012)

Do you have problems with your scalp itching?  I know that the easy solution if you do would be to go to the store and grab a bottle of Head & Shoulders.  But why do that, when you can just call on serial killer Frank Zito to get rid of your scalp ENTIRELY!

Welcome to Sunday Bloody Sunday and if you’ve recently eaten, I have to warn you that the clip below is pretty gruesome and may cause nausea.  If you didn’t see the 2012 Maniac remake, then you missed out on little Elijah Wood stepping into the role of a scalp-happy killer who has some Mommy issues to boot.  Quite a few cringe-worthy violent scenes in this one, but for me the scene below takes the cake.  Watch with caution, as Frodo does some nasty damage to one of his unlucky victims.

Horror Movies That Are Better Than They Should Be: Body Snatchers (1993)

One of my fears has always been that an alien life form will come down to Earth and replace me with a less likable and more boring version of myself.  I guess I should be more concerned with the fact that I would be dead instead of the fact that a subpar version of me would be walking around, but that seems to be where my priorities lie apparently.  Why am I talking about this?  Because I just finally saw Abel Ferrara’s 1993 “re-imaging” of Invasion Of The Body Snatchers suitably called, Body Snatchers.

f0028951_4c5fbd7fb1b0f

I have actually never seen the original 1956 version of Invasion Of The Body Snatchers, but I have seen the 1978 version numerous times and love it. Clearly iconic for it’s ending image of Donald Sutherland giving that lovely ‘body snatcher scream’, it’s a pretty creepy movie all around and even has Leonard Nemoy in it for added awesomeness.  So in 1993, I remember seeing ads and commercials for an updated attempt called Body Snatchers, but I wasn’t really interested.  Sad to say that it took me over 20 years (that makes me feel really old btw) to finally sit down on a boring Saturday and give it a watch.  And I have to say that I was pretty impressed.

body-snatchers-alien-screams-scream-christine-elise

I’m not even going to get into the plot.  All you really need to know is that people are having slimy alien pod tentacles go up their nose and all over their face, until naked replicas emerge while the original bodies disintegrate.  Oh, and these new versions scream really loud and like to point, which is kind of rude if you think about it.  I liken Body Snatchers to the 1988 remake of The Blob.  It’s definitely not a PG-13 remake and it has a lot of creepy-ass moments and nice practical gore effects.  If you’re sensitive to a little kid getting thrown out of helicopter, I’d steer clear though.  In closing, the highlight for me without of doubt was Meg Tilly’s performance and more specifically, the scene below where she brilliantly asks “Where ya gonna go?  Where ya gonna run?  Where ya gonna hide?“.

Anticipation Alert: ‘Maniac Cop’ Remake

Very rare nowadays when a horror remake announcement gets me excited. But excitement is exactly what has happened with the news that William Lustig’s 1988 killer cop movie, Maniac Cop, is indeed officially getting the remake treatment.

So, why does this peek my interest exactly?  The main reason being that it’s actually a film that could benefit from a reworking.  I liken it to the re-imaging of My Bloody Valentine that came out in 2009.  That movie paid homage to the 1981 original, and at the same time, kept it fresh and fun.  Also exciting for this Maniac Cop remake is the fact that original director William Lustig will be involved in some way, as well as Nicolas Winding Refn (Drive, Vahalla Rising).  Add all of that together and throw it in a blender, and I’m ready to see Officer Cordell tear some new shit up!

maniaccop

The biggest plus that I’ve heard however according to Screen Crush is that the Maniac Cop redo is being written by Ed Brubaker, who recently wrote Captain America: The Winter Soldier.  Now all we need is Robert Z’Dar and his magnificent cranium to make a surprise guest appearance!  Well, actually – that’s not all that we need.  What we really need is an updated funky fresh new version of the “Maniac Cop Rap” that we were originally blessed with in 1990 in Maniac Cop 2.  Peep the original funky freshness below if you don’t know what I’m talking about: