The Horror Forecast For The Next Few Months In Theaters Calls For…….Nothing.

The horror business is really booming on television right now.  I’m talking about you, The Walking Dead.  And you, American Horror Story.  But not so much about you Dracula, because you’re probably going to get cancelled.  The point I’m trying to make here is that to get your horror fix nowadays, there are more than enough viable ways to get it on the old boob tube.  So that must mean that since horror is all the rage on TV, we’re going to have a lot to choose from on the big screen too, right?  Nope.  No sir.  No ma’am.  No shit.

I did a little piece last month about the absence of horror movies for October and more importantly, for Halloween.  Sure we had the Carrie remake to satisfy our urge, but unfortunately, I had to go eat ten Snickers bars afterward to get my true satisfaction due to the fact that the movie sucked ass.  And now I look into my magic horror crystal ball toward the future months ahead and I see………….absolutely nothing.  You might think I’m exaggerating, oh but I’m not.  Not unless you’re seriously excited about Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones.

You know the excitement you get when a big horror movie is coming out?  Well prepare to push that excitement to the limit when I, Frankenstein comes out on January 24th!  Oh yeah!  Looks like if you’ve been yearning for something that could be just as terrible as Van Helsing, you’ll be in luck on January 24th. And if you’re not tired of the whole found footage “my baby might be the Devil” storyline, make sure to check out Devil’s Due a week earlier on January 17th! Wow!  Maybe I was wrong about all of this!  Sarcasm can go a long way, especially when you’re talking about crappy horror movies that are coming out in theaters over the next few months.

In fact, it’s not until The Purge 2 on June 20th, that a somewhat favorable horror movie comes out, and even that one’s a little suspect.  But seriously. June 20th?  There will be a few diamonds in the rough along the way that will most likely be limited releases (Wolf Creek 2, Here Comes The Devil), but the horror well looks to be pretty dry my friends.  Unless of course you’ve been fiending for Leprechaun: Origins.  So turn on your televisions horror fans and relish in the silver lining throughout all of this.  The fact that you can save some movie theater cash and go see Saw VIII ten times when it comes out in October.  Now that is a silver lining.

‘Tales From The Darkside’ TV Show Reboot Not A Reboot After All?

Color me confused.  Word got out the other week about a possible Tales From The Darkside TV show reboot happening for the CW network.  So naturally, one would have assumed that those involved would at least stick with the anthology formula that made the original series unique.  Well, throw those assumptions out the window.  Author Joe Hill, who is heading up the new series, recently spoke to MTV about it and said this:

Well, for starters, the show is just called ‘Darkside’.  And it really is a reinvention, not a reboot.  My feeling is, in the wake of shows like ‘The X-Files’ and ‘Fringe’, the days when you could do a straightforward horror anthology are over.

Ok.  I’m fine with them changing the show’s name to just Darkside.  What I’m not fine with is abandoning the whole anthology angle.  I agree to disagree with you Mr. Hill, because I don’t think that the days of a straightforward anthology show are over.  If anything, it would be refreshing to have around.  Ahhh – but something tells me that because of the success of American Horror Story and it’s format, that’s the route they might end up going where each season is a different story and has different characters.

The attachment to the CW network doesn’t really bother me and the fact that Joe Hill is heavily involved is definitely encouraging.  For those who don’t know, he is Stephen King’s son and a great writer in his own right.  But if they’re not going to go down the anthology path, can we at least get a spiffy redux of the Tales From The Darkside theme music and intro?  As long as I can hear an updated version of the voiceover guy saying “BUT……”, I’ll be a happy horror camper.