This damn toilet just won’t flush. Too much shit clogging it up. Let me be more specific – too many shitty movies from 2014 are clogging it up. Yeah, it’s that time of the year when we look back and laugh at the horror movies that gave us unintentional stomach pains and regrets. So let’s get on with my Top 5 Worst Movies Of 2014! Continue reading
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Ok – I had to get that out of the way real quick. Word broke a few days ago that after the massive success of the last Cabin Fever sequel called Cabin Fever: Patient Zero, a remake of the original 2002 Eli Roth movie is in place instead of another fantastic sequel. In case you’re not up on the sarcasm these days, that last sentence was drenched in it.
I get that people need to make money in these hard times. I myself have a nice little side business going with selling old Garbage Pail Kids stickers on Ebay right now, so I understand that the struggle is real. But why oh why do we have to even attempt to remake movies that are only 12 years old? It stings even more for me with this one, because I honestly love Eli Roth’s original Cabin Fever. The movie gave me an excessive fear of karate-kicking kids who like to yell “Pancakes!” and a fear of shaving my legs if I ever did shave my legs.
No matter how much bitching I or anyone else does, it seems that quite possibly the most unnecessary horror remake ever (in terms of time between the original) will be happening for sure. Maybe for this one, they’ll get another star of The Goonies to get onboard to drum up interest since Sean Astin starred in Cabin Fever: Patient Zero and that did so well. But nope, not even the ‘Truffle Shuffle’ will be able to save this remake from the impending doom that surrounds it and everyone involved.
I take this time to plead to Eli Roth if he has any say at all, to not allow this to happen. In the meantime while that pleading takes place and we all try and wash the taste out of our mouths of this terrible news, let’s watch that karate-kicking kid hop around and yell “Pancakes!” to make our day better:
One of the highest compliments that a third movie in a horror franchise can get is “Well, at least it was better than the second one.” Welcome to that compliment and welcome to Cabin Fever: Patient Zero, the third film in the Cabin Fever franchise and the second one that is going straight to DVD. But as the great Harvey Keitel once said, “Well let’s not start sucking each other’s dicks quite yet….” Continue reading