2016 is about to come to an end. That’s sounds somewhat ominous, but if we’re talking about horror movies then it can be looked at as both a celebration and a reflection. A celebration of the movies that made us jump up and down with glee – and a reflection on the movies that made us throw something violently at the screen while watching them. Let’s start with some celebrating though and get into my Top 5 Horror Movies Of 2016! Continue reading
Each Thanksgiving, I like to take a moment and reflect on the year of horror so far and think of five things that I’m thankful for. Sometimes it’s hard to do after eating a pound of turkey and mashed potatoes, so I’ll give you my list a few days before Turkey Day this time to save you from some sluggish writing. Continue reading
When I first heard that Eli Roth’s Cabin Fever was being remade, I had to do some serious math in my head. Add the 2, multiply the 4, carry the 3 and……holy shit – it’s been almost 15 years since it was released! Even though that seems like a somewhat high number and makes me feel slightly old, I’m not sure it’s long enough to warrant the remake treatment. But with Eli Roth’s blessing and guidance, writer Randy Pearlstein and director Travis Zariwny set out to accomplish just that, with early news breaking that they would ‘put their own spin’ on Roth’s original. Well they must have been drinking contaminated water when they said that, because the only spinning going on here is from your head wondering why this was even made. Harsh? Yeah. So let’s get into it. Continue reading
I haven’t went on a good rant in a while. And what better place to start it back up than with this upcoming remake of the amazing 2008 French horror movie, Martyrs.
I’ll save my breath about Hollywood and the fact that they can’t come up with any original ideas anymore for horror movies, let alone movies in general. The soon-to-be released Poltergeist remake looks pretty much like a CGI-infused carbon copy of the original. And don’t get me started on this “exact script as the original” version for the Cabin Fever that’s going to be forced upon us soon. But none gets my blood boiling more than the upcoming remake of Martyrs, a truly original and mesmerizing horror masterpiece in my opinion that not only punches you in the gut while you watch it, but makes you contemplate something as important and thought provoking as afterlife. Oh, and it’s got one amazing shotgun blast death scene too.
Tremendous, isn’t it? If you’ve seen the original Martrys, then I don’t have to tell you it goes to places that most American films don’t have the balls to go to. And therein lies the problem with this remake. I just don’t have an ounce of faith that it will take you to where the original went and make you feel what the original made you feel in the end. Martyrs was one of the only horror movies that literally made me sit in silence after I watched it for a good 15 minutes or so. But who knows….maybe the directing duo of The Goetz Brothers (there are two of them, so maybe that’s an advantage) will prove me wrong and deliver something faithful and honorable to that 2008 version. At least they’re not overselling it already and calling it ‘The Ultimate Horror Movie‘ or anything like that.
Fuck……
Pardon me, but I’m a bit dizzy from shaking my head back and forth so much after this news. Soooooooo apparently, there is a remake already in the works and ready to start shooting for Eli Roth’s debut horror offering from 2002, Cabin Fever. Before I begin my rant, I will let it be known that I don’t consider the movie to be an undisputed horror classic or anything, but in my opinion it’s a fun and sick little flick that gets the job done on multiple levels. Ok – now on with my rant.
It’s been 12 years since the original was released. 12 years. Now, I’m not a remake timeframe expert or anything, but I’m going to go out on a limb and say that 12 years is a bit premature to roll out a redo. This unfortunately screams cash-grab because there is honestly no reason that I can think of to go forward with this plan. At least Eli Roth isn’t really involved and at least they’re not going to use the exact script used in the original.
‘Eli Roth will serve as producer/executive producer Travis Zariwny directing, working off of the EXACT script from the original‘
Motherfucker. Well, I guess if I sat through Cabin Fever: Patient Zero, I can sit through a pointless remake that will most likely include a Cerina Vincent look-a-like shaving her infected scabby legs. Whatever…..I do love to be proven wrong, so with that I say good luck and Godspeed, Eli Roth and the Cabin Fever remake crew……may you find solace in your search for a new karate kid who loves his pancakes.
Ok – I had to get that out of the way real quick. Word broke a few days ago that after the massive success of the last Cabin Fever sequel called Cabin Fever: Patient Zero, a remake of the original 2002 Eli Roth movie is in place instead of another fantastic sequel. In case you’re not up on the sarcasm these days, that last sentence was drenched in it.
I get that people need to make money in these hard times. I myself have a nice little side business going with selling old Garbage Pail Kids stickers on Ebay right now, so I understand that the struggle is real. But why oh why do we have to even attempt to remake movies that are only 12 years old? It stings even more for me with this one, because I honestly love Eli Roth’s original Cabin Fever. The movie gave me an excessive fear of karate-kicking kids who like to yell “Pancakes!” and a fear of shaving my legs if I ever did shave my legs.
No matter how much bitching I or anyone else does, it seems that quite possibly the most unnecessary horror remake ever (in terms of time between the original) will be happening for sure. Maybe for this one, they’ll get another star of The Goonies to get onboard to drum up interest since Sean Astin starred in Cabin Fever: Patient Zero and that did so well. But nope, not even the ‘Truffle Shuffle’ will be able to save this remake from the impending doom that surrounds it and everyone involved.
I take this time to plead to Eli Roth if he has any say at all, to not allow this to happen. In the meantime while that pleading takes place and we all try and wash the taste out of our mouths of this terrible news, let’s watch that karate-kicking kid hop around and yell “Pancakes!” to make our day better: