That Time Sonny Bono Turned Into A Bunch Of Plants (Troll – 1986)


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I was racking my brain trying to come up with a good clip that freaked me out as a child that I could ‘Cher’ with you.  I thought about it long and hard, and then said to myself “Wait – I got you, babe!”  Yes, I came up with the perfect clip along with some terrible puns and references to Sonny Bono as well.  Because…..Sonny Bono is in the clip!  See how that all worked out?  And the traumatizing clip is from 1986’s Troll, a fun little horror romp not really for kids (although a lot of kids probably watched it).  Now let’s watch Sonny Bono morph into a bunch of plants!

I mean, the troll is kinda cute – even if he is kind of an asshole.  The make-up effects are pretty top notch (as were most in the 80’s), and if you’re into former husbands of Cher turning into shrubbery….then Troll is the movie for you!  Unfortunately for Troll, it would be it’s successor Troll 2 that would go on to live in infamy as the movie everyone would cheer for.  Any movie that has a seductive ‘corn-on-the-cob popcorn scene’ is sure to always win the prize.  But we shall never forget you, Sonny Bono.  You sacrificed yourself for the greater good of greenery.

That Clown From 1988’s ‘Ghosthouse’ Though…….

Clowns freak me out.  Especially clown dolls – as my sister used to have one that sat in a rocking chair when I was younger that scared the shit out of me, thanks mostly in part to a little film called Poltergeist.  Hey – speaking of that movie!  There’s a 1988 Italian horror movie called Ghosthouse (written and directed by Umberto Lenzi) that pretty much blatantly steals the look of the clown from Poltergeist.  Issa ok though, because it’s still creepy as fuck AND has an accompanying ‘creepy as fuck’ song (thanks to composer Piero Montanari) to minimize the plagiarism.

Zoinks!  That clown made me wet myself.  He’s super, but the real champ of the scene and of the movie might be that song that pops up about every 2 minutes.  Ghosthouse was actually a first watch for me the other night, and I recommend it if you’re looking for a ‘so bad it’s good’ 80’s horror movie with no real plot.  Fun fact:  There’s a sequel called Witchery that stars both Linda Blair AND David Hasselhoff!  Yeah.  Chew on that for a minute.

When Conjoined Twins Go Wild: Belial From ‘Basket Case’ (1982)

Man, we’ve all been there:  Fed up with life, the world just constantly beating us down, and our former conjoined twin pushing us to act unruly and trash a hotel room.  Yeah, it pretty much happens every day – especially with cheesy stop motion effects courtesy of the 80’s.

But yes, I’m talking about the movie Basket Case.  A true ‘b-movie’ classic, not just in the form of 80’s horror – but cinema in general.  And one of the more enjoyably ridiculous scenes is when our favorite little wicker basket dweller Belial goes on a rampage and tears apart the hotel room that he and his brother Duane are staying in.  So please, stop what you’re doing and click the link below and enjoy.  Belial would have wanted it that way.

Let’s All Groove To The Sound Of The ‘TerrorVision’ Theme Song!

Work got you down?  Is your significant other farting too much in front of you?  Well, I’ve got just the thing to turn that frown upside down and shake your blues loose.  And that thing is…..a theme song!  Not just any theme song though – the theme song from the 1986 horror cult classic TerrorVision.  Put together by the LA rock band The Fibonaccis – it’s easily one of my favorite horror theme songs ever, as it captures the vibe of the movie perfectly.  Now click ‘play’ below on the Youtube clip and thank me later…….

Ya know – after listening to that song again, I really anticipate hearing Fred Schneider from The B-52s jump in at some point (insert terrible Fred Schneider impersonation HERE). But alas, he did not – however we are still left with that 80’s horror soundtrack goodness and the TerrorVision soundtrack as a whole is pretty worthy of your time and earholes. Oh, and the movie ain’t too shabby either.  Especially if you’re into slimy orgies and guys who wear W.A.S.P. t-shirts

Trailer Trash: ‘Mountaintop Motel Massacre’ (1986)

WARNINGBefore you watch the original 1986 trailer for Mountaintop Motel Massacre, please be aware that the following are included in the trailer:

–  terrible car singing

–  a lazy voiceover guy who sounds like he wants to be anywhere but the trailer

–  wet t-shirts with protruding nipples

–  a lot of people just saying or yelling out different names

–  a guy saying the phrase “No way, Jose!” 

–  also, they pretty much give the whole movie away in the trailer

Well, if you still watched despite all of my warnings, then…..congratulations!   You were in for the ‘protruding nipples’, weren’t you?  But anyway – Mountaintop Motel Massacre (I always felt there should be a ‘The’ in the title) is good cheesy 80’s horror fun, and you can now own a sparkling Blu-ray transfer of it from Vinegar Syndrome HERE.  And yes, the ‘protruding nipples’ are included in the price.  Hooray!

Horror Movie Posters I Love: Humongous (1982)

Here’s a fun little story:  I remember being a kid, we’ll say I was about 8-years-old.  I woke up in the middle of the night and went out into the living room and my Mom was watching TV.  I asked her what she was watching – and she said “Some movie called Humongous.  Now get your ass back to bed”.  And that’s how I learned about the 1982 horror movie called Humongous!

But I’m not here to talk about my Mom scolding me for being up in the middle of the night while she caught up on her random 80’s horror movies.  I’m here to talk about the awesomeness of the poster for Humongous.

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Now is Humongous a good horror movie?  Nope – hardly not.  But it does get to brag and boast about it’s poster which has a pretty great tagline:  It’s loose….It’s angry….And it’s getting hungry!  I love me a good tagline.  I also love the baby building blocks that spell out the name of the movie as well.  Sure it’s cheesy, but I don’t mind cheese.  Especially cheddar.  Do you need to seek out Humongous and watch it?  Probably not.  But you can gaze your eyes upon that poster and realize and understand why 80’s horror was just so great.  Viva la 80’s horror!  Btw – what the hell was my Mom watching this movie for?

Fun Fact: Trick Or Treat (Not Trick ‘R Treat) Has A Surprising Tomatometer On Rotten Tomatoes!

Sometimes when I get bored, I type older horror movies into the Rotten Tomatoes ‘search box’ and see what the Tomatometer is.  And since it’s that time of the year for Halloween-themed horror movies, I figured I would type in a movie that is synonymous with Halloween:  Trick Or Treat.  Now I know that some of you newbies to the horror world might think I meant the fantastic anthology horror movie that came out in 2007 (with a slightly different name), but I am talking about the heavy metal horror awesomeness that came out in 1986!

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So what would you guess that the Tomatometer is for Trick Or Treat?  10%?  40%?  Hmmmmmm……try 71%!  Granted that’s only out of 7 reviews (5 fresh and 2 rotten), but impressive nonetheless considering the type of horror movie that Trick Or Treat is.  The storyline:  Ridiculous.  The soundtrack:  Straight 80’s metal goodness.  But in a time when the 80’s were churning out a lot of cheesy horror movies, it’s nice to see this one get some love on Rotten Tomatoes.  As one reviewer put it – “Yes, it’s trash, but it’s special trash to me.”  Couldn’t have said better myself random reviewer!

So the next time you’re thinking of a cheesy old school horror movie, and you want to see if any reviewers gave it any love – look it up on Rotten Tomatoes and you may be surprised!  Jesus – this whole post sounded like I just jerked off Rotten Tomatoes and gave them a bunch of free publicity.  They could have at least bought me dinner first.

WTF Did I Just Watch: Mad Ron’s Prevues From Hell (1987)

As I was scrolling through the ‘Horror’ section on Netflix a few weeks ago, I realized that I’m just bored with a lot of the offerings on there.  Then my friend Chris told me about something that he and his son had watched.  Something gloriously bad.  Something from the 80’s.  Something called Mad Ron’s Prevues From Hell!  Who’s Mad Ron, you ask?  This is Mad Ron!

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Oh, hi Mad Ron!  He sure looks like a character.  Ok – so what the hell is Mad Ron’s Prevues From Hell?  Well, it’s a terribly shot movie from 1987 where a ventriloquist named Nick and his zombie dummy named Happy show the audience in a movie theater (who happen to be zombies) old schlocky trailers and TV spots from various horror movies from the 60’s, 70’s, and 80’s.  While this is going on, Mad Ron is locked up in the projection room (see pic above) for everyone’s safety.  In between the trailers are spoofy shorts involving the zombies in the movie theater that seem to go on forever…..and ever…..and ever.  Oh hey look – that zombie is pouring blood on his popcorn instead of butter!  For 15 minutes.  We got the joke in the first 30 seconds.

This movie screams the 80’s and that’s what I loved about it.  And I actually saw some trailers that I had never seen before, like Three On A Meathook or The Maniacs Are Loose.  There are some old favorites as well like Deep Red, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, and Black Christmas (under one of it’s original titles Silent Night, Evil Night).  It almost felt like I was watching a snuff film at times, and I may or may have not taken a shower after my viewing.  So, if you enjoy 80’s horror or just really bad movie productions – then please do yourself a favor and seek out Mad Ron’s Prevues From Hell on Netflix.  If it’s been taken down from there, then seek it out on DVD on Amazon.  Now take a bow Nick and Happy!

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Lets Have Another Staring Contest…….

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My, what a big eye you have there.  Ok – this will be a challenge because the Hungry Beast from TerrorVision can distract you with his giant toothy smile and also the giant eye that I alluded to earlier.  Gotta stay focused here and see if you can break him from his concentration.  Steady…..Steady…..Keep your eyes on the prize.  Oh wait – did you just pull out an old W.A.S.P. cassette to distract him and take his eyes off of you?  That’s genius because this this dude’s into metal!  You win!!!

Rental Regrets: Junior (1985)

Here we go with one of my favorite recurring posts about VHS horror movies that I wish I would have rented, but never did.  Now – there is one movie that always sticks out in my head that I passed over in my many trips to my local Mom & Pop video stores in the 80’s. The cover was enticing.  The tagline was even more enticing.  But yet I wasn’t enticed enough to ever rent it.  And that movie is……………Junior!

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Sorry for the subpar quality pic – it’s the best that Google Images could offer.  But anyway, I can’t tell you how many times I picked up the VHS copy of Junior and put it down.  The artwork is actually pretty sweet considering this was 1985.  The burning boat in the background is intriguing as well because it makes me want to know why the boat is on fire and who is in the boat when it’s on fire.  Genius marketing on their part.  Considering I still haven’t seen Junior, I have no real clue as to what it’s about other than that it’s going for the ‘Texas Chainsaw Massacre knock-off‘ gold.  Good thing we have IMDB to clarify about the plot:

K.C. and Jo are two hardened female ex-cons who decide to build a marina on a lake in backwoods Texas to start a life for themselves, only to be hassled by the redneck locals who do not like outsiders, and that the lakeshore is their own regular hangout. But K.C. and Jo’s worst troubles come from Junior, a slow-witted psycho redneck who gets the ok from his equally demented mother to kill the two. 

Oooooh – two hardened female ex-cons, huh?  I see Caged Heat potential sex going on here.  And what a shocker – redneck locals who don’t like outsiders and a psycho redneck with a psycho mother.  Nevertheless…………….oh wait – BREAKING JUNIOR NEWS! Here’s another poster that popped up on Google Images:

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Ehhhhhhh.  I’ll stick with the original artwork.  As much as I love seeing Junior in his wife beater overcompensating for his probable small penis with his large chainsaw, the original cover art is far superior.  And how the hell do you leave ‘The‘ out of ‘Friday The 13th‘ at the top of the poster?  Nice touch using the chainsaw as an ‘I’ in the title though.  For those curious about this movie (and how the hell could you not be?), there’s a full version up on Youtube.  Let’s all waste an hour and a half of our lives together and see what kind of wacky situations Junior gets himself in…….