The Second Best ‘Sleeping Bag Kill’ In A Horror Movie Is………..

As an avid Friday The 13th franchise fan, I don’t think it’s any shock that one of the greatest Jason Voorhees kills in it’s history is the infamous ‘sleeping bag’ tree slamming incident from Friday The 13th Part VII: The New Blood.  The ‘unedited’ version is much better, complete with a few more whacks and swings – making it at the top, or close to it, on Jason’s highlight reel.  And much respect to Mr. Kane Hodder who played Jason in that movie, but did you know that he had some ‘sleeping bag’ kill competition in the form of Bigfoot in 1980?  Don’t believe me or don’t believe in Bigfoot?  Then just watch the clip below:

Wow.  Sign that Bigfoot up for the next Olympics!  Did you see that form?  No offense to Kane Hodder, but Bigfoot might have you beat as far as sleeping bag tossing skills.  But alas, Kane will always get top billing (and rightfully so) – while our friend Bigfoot here comes in a close and hairy second.  Oh, I guess I should mention that this clip is from the 1980 movie Night Of The Demon – which shouldn’t be confused with the 1988 movie Night Of The Demons (plural) which has no Bigfoot involved…..just some disappearing lipstick.  Stay safe out there campers – there just might be a Bigfoot looming in the forest waiting for his big chance for a gold medal in the 2020 Olympics.

Monday Bloody Monday: ‘Infested Clint Howard’ From ‘Ticks’ (1993)

Al Pacino won Best Actor at the 1993 Academy Awards for his role in Scent Of A Woman, but there was some terrible injustice going on while he was graciously accepting his award.  And that injustice is that Clint Howard was NOT nominated for his breathtaking and groundbreaking role in Ticks.  For those in the dark here, Ticks is a horror movie about giant killer ticks.  It definitely delivers what it promises in the title.

Welcome to Monday Bloody Monday where I am indeed going to give Mr. Clint Howard the shine that he deserves from his role as Jarvis Tanner in Ticks.  Behold greatness and watch as Clint tells the daughter of Micky Dolenz from The Monkees that he’s infested.  Then brace yourself for acting impact while his head explodes over her.  After watching, feel free to contact the Academy with a barrage of emails voicing your displeasure over this HUGE oversight.  We should all be very ticked off about this.  Puns!

Is The VHS Cover Better Than The Movie: Offerings (1989)

Ahhhh…..the good ol’ days of browsing the video store and picking up any and every VHS copy of a horror movie.  Some I rented, some I put back down.  But if I did pick it up, chances are that it had something deliciously sweet on the cover art.  I never rented the movie that I’m about to talk about, but I did recently watch it on Amazon Prime.  And that movie is called Offerings – a 1989 (looks older than that) slasher/comedy that sucks off John Carpenter’s Halloween hard (among other slasher movies as well) and might be one of the best worst horror movies ever!

Let’s get down to business though.  Take a look at the original VHS cover art:

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Now, from looking at that cover you would think you would be in store for some great slasher goodness, right?  Even the tagline ‘Remember him before he dismembers you!” is pretty snazzy.  And my eyes keep going back to the great artwork of the guy holding the gift dripping with blood.  I bet the ‘offerings’ they’re speaking of are people’s severed body parts!

Offerings is pretty much the stereotypical ‘bully gets revenge’ horror movie.  Not that it’s a bad thing mind you – but what is bad is the acting, the camera work, the soundtrack, and pretty much everything else in it that borrows super heavily from Halloween.  But……therein lies the charm, my friends!  Offerings is a terrible movie – no doubt about that.  It’s the kind of bad that is best viewed with a group of friends either stoned and/or ridiculously drunk.  If you’re a fan of horror movies with bad puns btw, then this will hit all of the right spots and give you a horrorgasm.  Enjoy the trailer below for proof, but don’t forget to glance back up at that surprisingly good VHS cover art before you leave the post!

Monday Bloody Monday: The Mutilator (1985)

There’s nothing worse than being the redheaded stepchild of the 80’s slasher genre.  Oh sure, you may have gotten picked up once or twice in the video store – but it may have always been a mercy fuck because Friday The 13th or Halloween wasn’t in stock.

Well – on this week’s Monday Bloody Monday, I’m giving some love to one of my favorite 80’s slasher stepchildren:  The Mutilator.  Now you may also know it by it’s other name Fall Break, but to me it will always be The Mutilator.  Recently released on snazzy Blu-ray, I sat down and watched it again the other night and what a treat it was!  Everything that an 80’s slasher should have:  Bad acting, bad music, and great gore.  Speaking of that gore, that’s why I’m here in this post today.  Watch the clip below for all of the death scenes and obviously there are spoilers abound if you haven’t seen the movie.  And if you haven’t – do yourself a favor and watch The Mutilator.  Bet you won’t be able to get the theme song out of your head too.

Dirty Horror Presents: Jack Frost’s ‘Bad Pun Of The Week’!

Snow is falling outside.  Carolers are caroling in the streets.  And people are inside nestled around the fireplace while watching the 1997 horror (and I use that term loosely) movie Jack Frost.  A huge guilty pleasure of mine that has earned it’s place atop my ‘Required Viewing’ list for Chirstmas, Jack Frost is full of ridiculous moments and even more ridiculous puns.  So let’s treat ol’ Jack like a stand-up comic and have him deliver us his ‘Bad Pun Of The Week’!

Well it took a while to get to it, but boy did Jack Frost deliver that pun!  See, if you’re slow – he wanted a cigarette.  And the guy had an axe.  So when Jack shoved the axe down the guy’s throat (which didn’t quite look right if you think of the length of the handle and how it stuck in the guy’s mouth), he used the axe part in his pun when he talked about asking for a cigarette!  Hilarity.  If you’d like to watch that scene again in glorious Blu-ray quality, then go and purchase the newly released Blu-ray copy HERE.

5 Observations From Tim Ritter’s ‘Killing Spree’ Trailer (1987)

Sometimes you have to just sit back, relax, and enjoy the glory of cheesy 80’s horror movies.  Luckily for us, writer/director Tim Ritter (not sure if he’s any relation to John) kept us fat and happy with a smorgasbord of delicious offerings like the ‘I have no words for this’ movie Truth Or Dare in 1986, and his ‘I’m no one trick pony’ follow-up in 1987…..Killing Spree!

Speaking of the aforementioned, if you’ve never seen the trailer for it – then we’re going to play a fun game where we watch it together and then give five observations afterward. Ready?  Roll it!

1.  A title card is always more effective when you have blood dripping down it. 

2.  The actor playing the killer deserved an Oscar for his laugh alone. 

3.  The giant-lipped woman will give me nightmares and also gives new meaning to the term ‘DSLs’.

4.  Clearly that’s a fake head at :52 in.  Oh, and that’s the best fake head throw ever.

5.  A ceiling fan can’t really chop the top of your head off.  Completely inaccurate. 

Well those were my five observations.  What are yours?  Don’t be shy.  Ok great – those are all spectacular.  Good job!  An honorable mention observation for me would be the amazing synthy 80’s score.  And do I have good news for you if you’re feeling what I felt with the music because for the first time ever, you can grab the soundtrack on vinyl right HERE!  Little films like Killing Spree can go a long way, so seek it out if you want to time travel back to the 80’s and take all of the nasty goodness in.

Lets Have Another Staring Contest…….

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My, what a big eye you have there.  Ok – this will be a challenge because the Hungry Beast from TerrorVision can distract you with his giant toothy smile and also the giant eye that I alluded to earlier.  Gotta stay focused here and see if you can break him from his concentration.  Steady…..Steady…..Keep your eyes on the prize.  Oh wait – did you just pull out an old W.A.S.P. cassette to distract him and take his eyes off of you?  That’s genius because this this dude’s into metal!  You win!!!

Rental Regrets: Junior (1985)

Here we go with one of my favorite recurring posts about VHS horror movies that I wish I would have rented, but never did.  Now – there is one movie that always sticks out in my head that I passed over in my many trips to my local Mom & Pop video stores in the 80’s. The cover was enticing.  The tagline was even more enticing.  But yet I wasn’t enticed enough to ever rent it.  And that movie is……………Junior!

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Sorry for the subpar quality pic – it’s the best that Google Images could offer.  But anyway, I can’t tell you how many times I picked up the VHS copy of Junior and put it down.  The artwork is actually pretty sweet considering this was 1985.  The burning boat in the background is intriguing as well because it makes me want to know why the boat is on fire and who is in the boat when it’s on fire.  Genius marketing on their part.  Considering I still haven’t seen Junior, I have no real clue as to what it’s about other than that it’s going for the ‘Texas Chainsaw Massacre knock-off‘ gold.  Good thing we have IMDB to clarify about the plot:

K.C. and Jo are two hardened female ex-cons who decide to build a marina on a lake in backwoods Texas to start a life for themselves, only to be hassled by the redneck locals who do not like outsiders, and that the lakeshore is their own regular hangout. But K.C. and Jo’s worst troubles come from Junior, a slow-witted psycho redneck who gets the ok from his equally demented mother to kill the two. 

Oooooh – two hardened female ex-cons, huh?  I see Caged Heat potential sex going on here.  And what a shocker – redneck locals who don’t like outsiders and a psycho redneck with a psycho mother.  Nevertheless…………….oh wait – BREAKING JUNIOR NEWS! Here’s another poster that popped up on Google Images:

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Ehhhhhhh.  I’ll stick with the original artwork.  As much as I love seeing Junior in his wife beater overcompensating for his probable small penis with his large chainsaw, the original cover art is far superior.  And how the hell do you leave ‘The‘ out of ‘Friday The 13th‘ at the top of the poster?  Nice touch using the chainsaw as an ‘I’ in the title though.  For those curious about this movie (and how the hell could you not be?), there’s a full version up on Youtube.  Let’s all waste an hour and a half of our lives together and see what kind of wacky situations Junior gets himself in…….

Rental Regrets: Scared Stiff (1987)

Much like that overstuffed burrito I just ate, I’m full of regrets.  Most would say I’m also full of something else, but regrets are what we’re talking about right now.  And I always had regrets back in my VHS-renting days of horror movies that I couldn’t quite pull the trigger on.  Enter into the mix the 1987 blockbuster Scared Stiff!  I figured if I threw the word ‘blockbuster’ in there that you would be more inclined to keep reading.

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Ahhhh – look at that beauty.  How did I never rent this?  Oh I’m sure I just passed it by and rented Slumber Party Massacre II for the tenth time.  I’m always a sucker for good title font, and I actually kind of dig it here.  Reading the synopsis more closely, it looks as though the plot revolved around voodoo curses and slave owners.  Not exactly my cup of tea when I was a 13-year-old horror movie upstart, but I’m sure I could have taken a chance on it.  Looks as though Variety magazine was quoted as saying that Scared Stiff was “……..too explicit for the squeamish.”  What the hell, man?!  I love explicit things!  Only one way to settle this once and for all and see if I should finally watch it.  To the Youtube trailer!

Oh man.  I’m sold!  And it looks as though the only thing that’s really explicit is the bad acting.  And those terrible effects too.  This has ‘pack and bowl and watch’ written all over it.  I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that Scared Stiff has probably not gotten the Blu-ray treatment thus far.  That’s ok, I’m sure I can find a watchable version on eBay.  Let me look……(do do do….do do do….do do do).  Ok, I’m back.  Didn’t find a VHS or DVD, but I did find THIS.  For those who don’t want to click the link, it’s a promotional paper weight for the film.  So……if you’ve ever wanted a Scared Stiff paper weight, there you go.

Rental Regrets: Demon Wind (1990)

Back in the day, I was a VHS renting madman.  That sounds a lot more ominous than it is.  Basically, I’ve rented a lot of horror movies in my lifetime – more specifically from the 80’s and early 90’s when renting movies was actually a thing.  But there were always those movies that eluded me for one reason or another.  I could never quite pull the trigger and rent them.  And because of that, I’ve had regrets that haunt me in the deepest channels of my mind.  Maybe not that dramatic, but regrets can still be a bitch.  Take for instance the 1990 movie, Demon Wind:

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Now for those who don’t know, Demon Wind had one of those fancy lenticular VHS covers that moved when you tilted it back and forth.  I remember picking it up and being hypnotized by the cover, but for some reason I just didn’t deem the movie worthy of my time.  Perhaps it was because of the taglines ‘There’s something deadly in the air‘ and ‘It’ll blow you away‘.  My younger mind may have thought that Demon Wind was about a deadly fart that you couldn’t escape once it got into the air.  When in fact it’s just about a bunch of stupid kids who go up to a farm to investigate some missing grandparents or something.  Luckily though, someone on Youtube was kind enough to compile a ‘best of‘ clip highlighting some of the classic moments to help sway me into possibly watching the full movie.  Spoiler alerts obviously.

Ok.  What the hell was I thinking not renting this movie back in the day?  First of all, the magician scene was probably one of the best and most ridiculous scenes I’ve ever witnessed in a horror movie.  And that alone makes Demon Wind a must-watch in my book.  Add to that the terrible special effects and make-up, and we have ourselves a winner here as far as ‘best horror movie to watch when you’re fucked up‘.  It looks like the original VHS version with the lenticular cover goes for upwards of $35 and there seems to only be a Region 2 DVD release.  All signs point to Scream Factory or someone like that giving this the high-quality transfer that it deserves.  I was wrong about you Demon Wind.  You’re more than just a deadly fart movie.  So much more.