Review: Red Christmas (2017)

You better watch out, you better not cry……you better not pout because there’s a really good Christmas horror movie that you need to watch this year!  I know, I know – it’s Halloween season.  But I had the pleasure of finally sitting down and watching Craig Anderson’s Red Christmas and it indeed got me into the Christmas horror movie spirit!

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Dirty Horror Presents: Jack Frost’s ‘Bad Pun Of The Week’!

Snow is falling outside.  Carolers are caroling in the streets.  And people are inside nestled around the fireplace while watching the 1997 horror (and I use that term loosely) movie Jack Frost.  A huge guilty pleasure of mine that has earned it’s place atop my ‘Required Viewing’ list for Chirstmas, Jack Frost is full of ridiculous moments and even more ridiculous puns.  So let’s treat ol’ Jack like a stand-up comic and have him deliver us his ‘Bad Pun Of The Week’!

Well it took a while to get to it, but boy did Jack Frost deliver that pun!  See, if you’re slow – he wanted a cigarette.  And the guy had an axe.  So when Jack shoved the axe down the guy’s throat (which didn’t quite look right if you think of the length of the handle and how it stuck in the guy’s mouth), he used the axe part in his pun when he talked about asking for a cigarette!  Hilarity.  If you’d like to watch that scene again in glorious Blu-ray quality, then go and purchase the newly released Blu-ray copy HERE.

Monday Bloody Monday: ‘Topless Wood Chipper Death’ From ‘Silent Night’ (2012)

It’s Christmastime!  Carolers are caroling.  The mistletoe is being hung.  And a topless women is getting thrown into a wood chipper in broad daylight by a psychotic Santa Claus.

Welcome to Monday Bloody Monday, and since it’s the holiday season it feels only right to spotlight a Christmas-themed horror movie.  In 2012, Silent Night was released and was actually a decent little throwback to Silent Night, Deadly Night.  And just like in the latter, Santa is out to punish the naughty.  In this case, the naughty is a topless girl who is about to meet her grisly demise at the merciless hands of a wood chipper.  Grab some egg nog and click the link below:

Random Christmas Horror Movies: P2 (2007)

With Christmas fast approaching, I’ve started gathering up my favorite horror movies to watch around this time of the year.  Black Christmas?  Check! Silent Night, Deadly Night?  Check!  Jack Frost 2: Revenge Of The Mutant Killer Snowmen?  Double check!  But with my old age comes forgetfulness, and I always seem to not remember that the 2007 movie P2 is a Christmas horror movie and might deserve to be in my rotation.

P2 is a delightful tale about a woman named Angela (Rachel Nichols) who is stalked in her parking garage at work by a security guard named Thomas (Wes Bentley).  Fun fact:  Wes Bentley can be seen in the last few seasons of American Horror Story!  So anyway, in the movie it all takes place on Christmas Eve night which is a good indication that this is a Christmas horror movie.  Oh – and Elvis’ ‘Blue Christmas‘ makes an appearance during a stalking scene and that’s a bonus for me because I love that song.

And so the stalking goes on.  And Angela runs around in a low-cut wet shirt, with her two main large assets bouncing around like jingle bells.  Bouncing and bouncing and bouncing……..I’m sorry – what was I talking about?  Oh yeah – the stalking continues and it obviously comes to a predictable cliched climax. But before we can climax, we need to have more bloody fun!  So if you haven’t seen P2 and are deciding whether or not to give it a whirl, check out the clip below with one of the best ‘body smashing with a car’ kills ever.  Merry Christmas, everybody!

Ho-Ho-Holy Shit! The ‘Krampus’ Trailer Has Arrived!

I have to admit that I’ve become a bit obsessed and fascinated by the folklore involving Krampus, the horned and hoofed creature that would come around at Christmastime to torment bad little girls and boys.  Had I known about it as a child, I probably would have behaved much better considering the alternative if Krampus ever found me.  No child wants to be stuffed into a burlap sack and dragged away to a cave to be eaten.  And now finally, we will get a proper movie version of the story, thanks to writer/director Michael Dougherty, appropriately titled Krampus.

Well that looks like a lot of fun, doesn’t it?!?  For those living under a rock for the last 8 years, Michael Dougherty wrote and directed the AMAZING Halloween anthology movie, Trick ‘r Treat.  And if you’ve seen that (and shame on you if you haven’t), then you can see his stamp all over the Krampus trailer stylistically and with the tongue-in-cheek humor.

We haven’t had a really good Christmas horror movie in a while (Rare Exports was good, but more fantasy than horror in my opinion), so Krampus will be welcomed with open arms when it’s released in December.  Hopefully it will live up to the hype of the trailer and of the poster below, which somehow reminds me of another Christmastime horror movie called Elves.  Let’s just all hope that the comparisons stop at the poster for that one.  Look for Krampus in what will most likely be a small theater run (although I’m hoping for a bigger one) on December 4th!

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Ebay Find Of The Week: ‘Silent Night Deadly Night 5: The Toy Maker’ Movie Poster

Looking for that perfect gift for the horror fan in your life?  It is the holiday season, so if you’re not looking, you should be somewhat ashamed of yourself. But if that special horror-enthusiastic person you know is a fan of Silent Night Deadly Night 5: The Toy Maker, then I may have just found you the perfect gift!

$_57

Oh wow!  Is that a Silent Night Deadly Night 5 poster???  For the two people who are actual fans of this movie, it’s ok to show your excitement.  But yes, that is indeed an actual 27 X 40 poster that can be yours on Ebay for only $10. Unfortunately, Mickey Rooney is not included.  Nor is that smug kid on the poster either.  But at $10, it’s actually kind of a steal to own a piece of ‘bad horror film’ memorabilia.  So if you’re interested, head over to the Ebay listing HERE and snatch it up.  If not, feel free to go spend your $10 on some delicious holiday cookies.

Sunday Bloody Sunday: ‘Christmas Dinner’ From ‘Santa’s Slay’ (2005)

Happy Holidays!  It’s the last Sunday Bloody Sunday before Christmas, so why not feast on this clip from the 2005 horror/comedy, Santa’s Slay to get you in the mood for the 25th?

Obviously more comedy than horror, Santa’s Slay is pretty fun because it knows what kind of movie it wants to be.  And the opening scene sets it up perfectly, and for some reason Chris Kattan from Saturday Night Live is there. But more importantly, Fran Drescher gets her scalp burned off and is drowned in a bowl of egg nog.  Oh, and screen legend James Caan gets a turkey leg jammed down his throat too.  Enjoy!

Horror Holiday Gifts: Original U.S. Poster For ‘Black Christmas’

Less than a week left until Christmas, and I bet a lot of you have been procrastinating on buying those presents for your loved ones.  That’s where I come in to save the day!  But only if that loved one is a huge horror fan and only if you have $800 to spend.

Up on Ebay right now, you can purchase an original U.S. one sheet for the 1974 Bob Clark classic, Black Christmas.  Ask pretty much any true horror fan and I bet that Black Christmas is #1 on their list of Christmas-themed horror movies.  But did you know that it was originally released in the U.S. as Silent Night Evil Night?  And also Stranger In The House for those playing at home.

The poster that is for sale on Ebay is the original with the Silent Night Evil Night title and can be yours for about $800.  A moderately large price to pay for a slice of pretty sweet horror memorabilia.  You can check the listing out HERE, but if that is a little too steep for you, there are 4 copies of the poster for Santa With Muscles for sale at $18 a pop.  Just don’t blame me for the looks of disappointment you’ll get from whoever you give those to.

Here’s Your Mickey Rooney Fix For The Holiday Season……

No Christmas is complete without a Mickey Rooney clip from Silent Night, Deadly Night 5: The Toy Maker.

Yeah!  Stuff that in your stocking.  Make no mistake about it, this is a terrible movie.  But it’s got Mickey Rooney as a crazy old guy who somehow makes toys that kill people, awkward sex scenes, and a lot of Pinocchio references. So there is a certain charm that accompanies this fifth sequel (yes….fifth) in the Silent Night, Deadly Night franchise.  So when you’re sitting around the fireplace with your Christmas tree lit in the background this year, go on and pop in Silent Night Deadly Night Part 5: The Toy Maker.  You’ll make the Simpsons version of Mickey Rooney smile.