Worst Potato Sack Race Ever: Uncle Sam (1996)

Happy 4th Of July, everybody!  And what better way to celebrate this joyous day than with a potato sack race.  Oh sure, nobody really does potato sack races anymore – but they did back in 1996 in the horror movie Uncle Sam!  And what a potato sack race it was.  There were thrills, chills, tumbles, and beheadings.  Just how every potato sack race should be.  I feel like I’m saying potato sack race a lot.  Hey guess what?  Issac Hayes was in this movie.  Now here’s a clip of the world famous potato sack race that I constantly keep mentioning:

You Know You’re Old When They Make A Horror Movie About Polaroid Cameras………

Yet another post about a horror movie that’s really making me feel my age.  Polaroid cameras were all the rage when I was growing up in the 80’s.  For you youngsters out there, it was a camera that would instantly print out a pic after you took it – and then for added effect, you would shake the pic to make sure it came out right.  Hence the term ‘Shake it like a Polaroid picture‘ from Outkast!  So anyway, there’s a new horror movie called Polaroid:

WTF did I just watch?  Ok (deep breath) – I get it.  Horror movies are popular.  And horror movies are relatively easy to make.  But the more that crap like this gets put into actual theaters, the more that it stains the ‘horror movie; name in general.  Nothing about this looks original (Goosebumps, anyone?), and from a technical standpoint it looks so awful that I’m finding myself wanting to rather stare at the jar of peanut butter on my desk instead of watching that trailer again.

But anyway – I’m sure Polaroid will make some money (key word ‘some’), and the studio will stand behind it.  But me – I’m more interested in going onto eBay right now, buy an actual vintage Polaroid camera, and take pictures of that jar of peanut butter that’s on my desk.

Scarrrrrrry Video Games: Sssnake (Atari – 1982)

To quote Twilight Zone: The Movie…….do you wanna see something reallllllly scary?  Well, I will make you wait a little bit because that’s what I do.  Wayyyyy back in 1982 when I was a 6-year-old boy trying to find my way through life – my parents bought me an Atari gaming system.  It blew my mind at first.  And I remember one of the first games I got besides Yars’ Revenge was Sssnake.  Not to be confused with the 70’s horror movie of the almost identical same name.

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Frightening!  Just look at that snake.  He definitely means business.  It kind of looks like him and the guy on the cover were playing a game of Kerplunk before the guy decided to shoot a big laser load into the snake’s mouth.  But enough about the cover art – how is the gameplay and will you need to sleep with the light on tonight after you see it?  If I do remember correctly, this game is not for the faint of heart – so please use caution when viewing it and please send the smaller children out of the room:

Yeeesh.  The only thing frightening about that is that it could possibly give you a seizure.  This game should have been called Sssnore.  Ok – my work is done here.

Remember William Katt’s V-Neck Sweater In ‘House’? (1986)

I don’t really have anything insightful for this post.  I just want you to look…..and stare…..and stare again at that the amazing V-neck sweater that William Katt wore in the 1986 horror movie House.  In fact, I dare you to look away.  You will be hypnotized.  Oh yes. You will……..

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Ebay Find Of The Week: ‘Terror In The Aisles’ Promotional Skull! (1984)

One of my guilty pleasures from the world of 80’s horror was the movie Terror In The Aisles – a feature film documentary filled with a compilation of clips from some of your favorite horror movies that were released prior to this 1984 release date.  Oh, and it was hosted by Donald Pleasence and Nancy Allen!  It also sported a sweet poster to boot, and speaking of sweet…..check out this promotional rubber skull that I saw pop up on eBay:

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I’m not even going to bother lying.  I want that thing.  Do I want it for $50 though?  Therein lies the question going through my mind as I type this.  Regardless of the price, it’s kind of a cool piece of 80’s horror history – and something that you could proudly display as well. It measures about 8″ X 5″ and looks to be in overall good condition.  If you are interested in knowing more about this promotional rubber skull from Terror In The Aisles, then head on over HERE.  If you haven’t seen the movie btw, I recommend it because it’s a good time and you get to see Donald Pleasance!

Monday Bloody Monday: ‘Infested Clint Howard’ From ‘Ticks’ (1993)

Al Pacino won Best Actor at the 1993 Academy Awards for his role in Scent Of A Woman, but there was some terrible injustice going on while he was graciously accepting his award.  And that injustice is that Clint Howard was NOT nominated for his breathtaking and groundbreaking role in Ticks.  For those in the dark here, Ticks is a horror movie about giant killer ticks.  It definitely delivers what it promises in the title.

Welcome to Monday Bloody Monday where I am indeed going to give Mr. Clint Howard the shine that he deserves from his role as Jarvis Tanner in Ticks.  Behold greatness and watch as Clint tells the daughter of Micky Dolenz from The Monkees that he’s infested.  Then brace yourself for acting impact while his head explodes over her.  After watching, feel free to contact the Academy with a barrage of emails voicing your displeasure over this HUGE oversight.  We should all be very ticked off about this.  Puns!

Don’t Miss This ‘Slayer & Lamb Of God’ Tour This Summer!

Has your life been boring lately?  Have you felt the need to get some aggression out?  Are you tired of the current establishment that’s going on in our country right now?  If you answered yes to at least two of those questions, then I have the cure to what ails you: Slayer!  Lamb Of God!  Behemoth!  Yes, those three monumental metal bands are headed out on a US tour this summer – starting July 12th in Bemidji, MN:

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Yeaaaaaah!  Nothing like an angry Cerberus guarding the ‘Gates Of Hell’ on the flyer to get you even more in the mood for this tour.  Now, personally speaking – I’ve seen Slayer more than a few times…..but it’s actually Lamb Of God that I’m most amped to see because I have unfortunately never experienced them live.  If you want to see if this metal trifecta is heading near your town, then you can go to Slayer’s website HERE or Lamb Of God’s HERE for more info.  Do your part and keep live metal alive and snatch up those tickets!  Devil horns up!!!!!

So………There Was A ‘Phantasm’ Porn Parody Called ‘Phangasm’

If you read the headline and you don’t know about this, just take a minute or two (and grab some Kleenex) and feast your eyes on what’s below:

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Not much really needs to be said about Phangasm.  It’s a porn parody of Phantasm. Enjoy the poster and seek the movie out, and enjoy watching The Tall Man getting his silver balls fondled.

Creepy Dolls On Seinfeld!

As big of a horror movie fan as I am, I might be an even bigger Seinfeld TV show fan.  And surprisingly, horror did play a part in some ways on the show!  Case in point:  Jerry kept a VHS copy of Child’s Play 2 in his living room.  But more importantly, there were two very creepy dolls that made an appearance throughout the show’s run.  First up – George’s girlfriend Susan’s doll that looked eerily and creepily similar to George’s Mom:

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Gah!  Oh the horror!  Real-life George’s Mom was almost as terrifying, but that replica doll is the stuff that nightmares are made of.  Clearly in the episode, George wanted to get rid of it because it creeped him out so much too – but in the end it was George’s Dad who destroyed it and tore it apart with his bare hands.  20-something year old spoiler alert.  Sorry.  But anyway, she was terrifying – but there was another doll that was possibly even more terrifying and may or may not have had the ability to run.  And that doll would be the ever popular Mr. Marbles!

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Now, even though Kramer had said that Mr. Marbles was harmless – it still had Jerry scared while he was living in Kramer’s apartment (aka The Red Menace).  Jerry even thought he heard Mr. Marbles scurrying across the floor in the middle of the night at one point.  The bottom line in all of this is that ventriloquist dummies and dolls that look like your mother are frightening.  The other bottom line is that Mr. Marbles is a great name.  Sweet dreams, everybody!

That Time That ‘Mannequin Toulon’ Creeped Me Out In ‘Puppet Master II’ (1991)

Mannequins:  Lifeless plastic beings that creep me out a lot more than they should.  I can remember feeling conflicted when I was a young boy and would see nude mannequins in department stores while shopping with my Mom.  Should I have covered my eyes? Should I have opened my eyes wider?  This is going off the rails quickly and I’m losing focus of my original statement, which is that mannequins can be creepy as fuck!  The movie Tourist Trap is good proof of that – but 1991’s Puppet Master II actually has one of the creepiest mannequins ever.  Behold!  Toulon The Mannequin!

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Oh sure – he looks all suave and debonaire there in his fancy tuxedo.  But trust me, don’t let that fool you.  Toulon, if some of you don’t know, created most of the puppets in the Puppet Master franchise and in this particular scenario from Puppet Master II – he was resurrected and has transferred his soul into the mannequin at the end of the movie for some reason (there’s a twisted love story thrown in there somewhere).  Stupid plot aside, Toulon makes a creepy ass mannequin and is worth the price of admission alone to watch the movie in full.  Just don’t go on expecting much more in the series after this, unless of course you are a sucker for terrible sequels? (slowly raises hand)