C’mon September. Get your lame ass over with already because October is waiting around the corner and I bet it’s got a bunch of horror movies lined up to get all of us ready for Halloween! I’m salivating already, but I also have a drooling problem at times so it’s hard to differentiate between the two. Alright! So what’s the first big horror movie that the studios are going to throw at us to blow us away?
Dario Argento’s Dracula 3D (October 4th)
Wait……ok. Starting us off slow I see so that you can deliver that knockout punch later, right? Sorry Dario, but Dracula 3D is dog shit and you don’t get a pass just because you gave us Suspiria. Not to mention that this movie will probably only be playing in 5 theaters across the country. Next please.
All The Boys Love Mandy Lane (October 11th)
Yeeeeah – now we’re not talking! What the fuck? A movie (subpar movie at that) that was originally supposed to come out 7 years ago and a movie that I watched online….well….7 years ago. Sigh. Bear in mind as you keep reading this post that the amazing Halloween anthology movie Trick ‘r Treat NEVER got any kind of theatrical release. Ok, let’s move on because I’m starting to get depressed.
Carrie (October 18th)
Given the news that they finally revealed that the Carrie remake will indeed be Rated R, it perked my interest up just a tad. Overall though, this is another unnecessary remake that I’m sure will have great performances by Julianne Moore and Chloe Grace Moretz, but feels sacrilegious (pun!) to me. Stepping into Sissy Spacek’s shoes is a tough task, but I get it, this is the Carrie for the “new” generation. Looks pretty much like a shot-for-shot remake too which……YAWN…….sorry, I’m already bored with the movie just talking about it. I’m sure something big is planned for the weekend before Halloween to make up for all of this nonsense!
………………………….. (October 25th)
No, that’s not the title of a movie. It’s symbolizing that there is no movie. Let me say it a little louder so you can understand. THERE IS NO HORROR MOVIE COMING TO THEATERS THE WEEKEND BEFORE HALLOWEEN! It’s at this point in the post that I actually miss the Saw movies. And I maybe even miss the Paranormal Activity movies a little too. Just a little. Horror is big right now, and this is the best that the studios can give us this year for the Halloween month of October? Ahh fuck it – I’m just going to go pop in my Night Of The Demons DVD and watch Linnea Quigley push a tube of lipstick into her nipple.