When I first heard that Eli Roth’s Cabin Fever was being remade, I had to do some serious math in my head. Add the 2, multiply the 4, carry the 3 and……holy shit – it’s been almost 15 years since it was released! Even though that seems like a somewhat high number and makes me feel slightly old, I’m not sure it’s long enough to warrant the remake treatment. But with Eli Roth’s blessing and guidance, writer Randy Pearlstein and director Travis Zariwny set out to accomplish just that, with early news breaking that they would ‘put their own spin’ on Roth’s original. Well they must have been drinking contaminated water when they said that, because the only spinning going on here is from your head wondering why this was even made. Harsh? Yeah. So let’s get into it. Continue reading
Pretty bad apparently. I heard the news the other day that there was indeed a Cujo remake in the works. At first glance, it’s not a terrible idea to update the 1983 original, because it’s a movie that actually could benefit from the remake treatment. All of those thoughts quickly drifted out of my mind when I found out this potential remake is going to be called not just Cujo, but C.U.J.O. – and that of course would stand for Canine Unit Joint Operations. What do you think of that Dee Wallace Stone?
Yeah – we’re right there with you, sister. Now, not much has been said about what the actual plot of this remake will be, but judging from the title, here’s what I can determine: We’re going to have a bunch of slobbering and foaming at the mouth Saint Bernards who got bit by rabid bats running around in the military and carrying out special co-op missions while a grown up version of the kid from Who’s The Boss watches on and applauds their progress.
While I hope I’m wrong (except for the part about Danny Pintauro returning), it does seem as though there’s going to be some kind of military element involved here. Which makes absolutely no fucking sense. This sounds like it should be more a Man’s Best Friend remake instead of a Cujo one. For those not aware, Man’s Best Friend was a pretty terrible 1993 movie about a killer Mastiff dog who can climb trees to eat cats and it also had this precious tagline: Nature created him. Science perfected him. But no one can control him. So to take that bad taste out of our mouths of the upcoming Cujo – oh I’m sorry – C.U.J.O. remake, let’s watch the trailer to Man’s Best Friend instead.
I remember back in 2004 when I begrudgingly went to the theater to see Zack Snyder’s Dawn Of The Dead remake. I was timid….I was pessimistic….I was craving some movie theater popcorn with extra butter. Now back in 2004, there hadn’t been a lot of horror remakes made yet. So when I heard that my beloved 1978 version of Dawn Of The Dead was in fact being remade, I shuddered and threw something at my crappy laptop that I had at the time. And then I saw the opening sequence in the theater and much like The Grinch, my heart started to grow……
Love that aerial shot towards the end. And you gotta love how Ana’s husband Luis is in full pursuit of her car, but then quickly veers off to the side to grab some lunch at the expense of a hapless neighbor. Obviously, the biggest beef I did end up having with this movie was the debut of the sprinting zombies (28 Days Later had it, but at least it was explained there). It just never really computes with me and I much prefer the slower brain dead version when I’m watching the walking dead in a horror film.
Oh – and one more beef was the character Nicole’s obsession with fucking Chips the dog. Seriously? Oh sure – it’s a cute dog, but when you’re in the midst of a zombie apocalypse, why in the fuck would you endanger your life and the lives of all of the other people to go and……..ok – I’m sorry I need to calm down. That’s a sore subject with me and I’m obviously very passionate about it in a much unneeded and semi-disturbing way. So yeah – hooray to the opening scene from the Dawn Of The Dead remake! It almost made me forget about that stupid ass Chips the dog subplot. Almost.
I haven’t went on a good rant in a while. And what better place to start it back up than with this upcoming remake of the amazing 2008 French horror movie, Martyrs.
I’ll save my breath about Hollywood and the fact that they can’t come up with any original ideas anymore for horror movies, let alone movies in general. The soon-to-be released Poltergeist remake looks pretty much like a CGI-infused carbon copy of the original. And don’t get me started on this “exact script as the original” version for the Cabin Fever that’s going to be forced upon us soon. But none gets my blood boiling more than the upcoming remake of Martyrs, a truly original and mesmerizing horror masterpiece in my opinion that not only punches you in the gut while you watch it, but makes you contemplate something as important and thought provoking as afterlife. Oh, and it’s got one amazing shotgun blast death scene too.
Tremendous, isn’t it? If you’ve seen the original Martrys, then I don’t have to tell you it goes to places that most American films don’t have the balls to go to. And therein lies the problem with this remake. I just don’t have an ounce of faith that it will take you to where the original went and make you feel what the original made you feel in the end. Martyrs was one of the only horror movies that literally made me sit in silence after I watched it for a good 15 minutes or so. But who knows….maybe the directing duo of The Goetz Brothers (there are two of them, so maybe that’s an advantage) will prove me wrong and deliver something faithful and honorable to that 2008 version. At least they’re not overselling it already and calling it ‘The Ultimate Horror Movie‘ or anything like that.
Sigh. I’m actually not going to say much about this right now because I like Sam Rockwell. Does it look like a competent horror movie? Yes. Does it look like an unnecessary almost bit-for-bit remake of the original? Yes. Kudos to the creepy clown though with the pull-away nose. I think he’ll be the star of the movie. Aside from having Poltergeist be yet another horror remake from my childhood, I’m more so just over the whole “paranormal” aspect. It’s overdone, so we’ll see what this one has up it’s sleeve to stand out. Stay tuned for more info and more rantings from me in the near future upon it’s release date.
Sadly, 2013 is gone. And we’ll never get to see her again. Oh sure, we had our fun times and may have even objectified her a tad, but she’s gone like a stinky fart in the wind. Enter in her replacement: 2014. And to make 2014 feel welcome, especially in the horror blogging world, I’m going to give my New Year’s resolutions to make her feel wanted and loved and to make sure that I give her everything that I couldn’t give 2013.
Resolution #1: Watch the first season and new season of Bates Motel
One of my regrets from 2013 was that I bailed early on AMC’s show, Bates Motel. It wasn’t that I wasn’t into it mind you…..it was just that I got caught up in so many other shows, that I neglected it. To make matters worse, I watched an entire season of that shit show Under The Dome, but didn’t give Bates Motel the time of day. But not this year. I’m watching the first season and giving the second season my undivided and full attention when it starts on March 3rd. The lovely Vera Farmiga would want it that way.
Resolution #2: I will try to have more of an open mind with horror remakes
Yeah. I’m one of those horror fans. The one who screams to the mountain tops when a remake is announced. And I’ll admit, I tend to be a little set in my ways and hate for the sake of hating when it comes to remakes. Not that I don’t give some their praise though (Maniac, Evil Dead), but the majority that do come out get an extra dose of shit piled on them from me. See last year’s Carrie review for proof. But this year, I want to change. I want to (grits teeth hard) have hope for the Robocop remake. I want to not roll my eyes when the new Poltergeist remake releases a trailer. Seriously?! They’re remaking Poltergeist!? What the f*ck?!!! Ok, this is gonna be harder than I thought.
Resolution #3: Watch and listen to more commentary tracks on horror Blu-ray releases
Nothing irritates me more about myself than plucking down $25 for a new Blu-ray release, only to watch the movie and pay zero attention to the extras that are included. Can’t explain why I do it, but I’m sure part of it is laziness and the other part has something to do with my constant ADD frame of mind. This year, I want to appreciate and enjoy some of the extras that come with Blu-ray releases, especially the commentary tracks. Companies like Scream Factory are busting their ass to give fans what the want with their releases, and here’s somebody like me sitting on his ass only watching the movie. And to that I say (while semi-violently pumping my fist in the air): It’s time for a change!
Resolution #4: Try and get on board with the Paranormal Activity franchise
Not one, but two new Paranormal Activity movies are coming out in 2014. And judging from the list of horror movies that will be hitting the big screen this year, the Paranormal movies are looking more and more appealing. But here’s the thing: I don’t understand the love that these movies get. I saw the first one. Saw the third one as well. Heard the fourth one was crap, so I didn’t bother. But now I’m hearing all sorts of good buzz about Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones which comes out this week, so I feel it might be time for me to jump on board with this franchise. If I was able to ride for seven straight Saw movies, I can surely give these found footage flicks a chance, right? Of course I can! I can do it!!! Because I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggone it, people like me. Thanks, Stuart Smalley!
Meh. I have a feeling there are going to be a lot of those in this review. I really hate pointless remakes, especially when dealing in the horror genre. Trying to keep an open mind can be tough when a remake is in the works, and my mind was already three-fourths closed when the remake was announced for 1976’s horror classic, Carrie. Yes, the movie where the term ‘dirty pillows’ was introduced along with pig’s blood at the prom. Directed by Brian De Palma with Oscar nominated performances from Sissy Spacek and Piper Laurie, the original Carrie stands the test of time based off of those performances and it’s vivid and intense imagery throughout. So what about the remake? Does it do the original justice? Does it add anything new? Meh. Continue reading
C’mon September. Get your lame ass over with already because October is waiting around the corner and I bet it’s got a bunch of horror movies lined up to get all of us ready for Halloween! I’m salivating already, but I also have a drooling problem at times so it’s hard to differentiate between the two. Alright! So what’s the first big horror movie that the studios are going to throw at us to blow us away?
Dario Argento’s Dracula 3D (October 4th)
Wait……ok. Starting us off slow I see so that you can deliver that knockout punch later, right? Sorry Dario, but Dracula 3D is dog shit and you don’t get a pass just because you gave us Suspiria. Not to mention that this movie will probably only be playing in 5 theaters across the country. Next please.
All The Boys Love Mandy Lane (October 11th)
Yeeeeah – now we’re not talking! What the fuck? A movie (subpar movie at that) that was originally supposed to come out 7 years ago and a movie that I watched online….well….7 years ago. Sigh. Bear in mind as you keep reading this post that the amazing Halloween anthology movie Trick ‘r Treat NEVER got any kind of theatrical release. Ok, let’s move on because I’m starting to get depressed.
Carrie (October 18th)
Given the news that they finally revealed that the Carrie remake will indeed be Rated R, it perked my interest up just a tad. Overall though, this is another unnecessary remake that I’m sure will have great performances by Julianne Moore and Chloe Grace Moretz, but feels sacrilegious (pun!) to me. Stepping into Sissy Spacek’s shoes is a tough task, but I get it, this is the Carrie for the “new” generation. Looks pretty much like a shot-for-shot remake too which……YAWN…….sorry, I’m already bored with the movie just talking about it. I’m sure something big is planned for the weekend before Halloween to make up for all of this nonsense!
………………………….. (October 25th)
No, that’s not the title of a movie. It’s symbolizing that there is no movie. Let me say it a little louder so you can understand. THERE IS NO HORROR MOVIE COMING TO THEATERS THE WEEKEND BEFORE HALLOWEEN! It’s at this point in the post that I actually miss the Saw movies. And I maybe even miss the Paranormal Activity movies a little too. Just a little. Horror is big right now, and this is the best that the studios can give us this year for the Halloween month of October? Ahh fuck it – I’m just going to go pop in my Night Of The Demons DVD and watch Linnea Quigley push a tube of lipstick into her nipple.
Mmmmm mmmm! Something smells good! Could it be the trailer for the much talked about family cannibalism flick, We Are What We Are? I think so! Yes, finally we get a trailer for this remake of the 2010 Mexican movie of the same name. Although I’ve heard that the American version is “loosely” based on the original, it still revolves around a father and his two daughters and their taste for human flesh. How sweet. Anyway, We Are What We Are hits theaters on September 27th, so make sure and support the cannibalism!
Well – the one time great Wes Craven has announced that he would like to remake his 1989 ludicrous electric chair killer/body transferring flick, Shocker. Groan.
Yes, Craven told Crave Online in a recent interview: “I’d like to redo Shocker just to get the special effects right because we had a real special effects disaster on the film. The guy who was doing all the visual effects kind of flamed out, had a nervous breakdown because he was attempting more than he could actually do. When he told us towards the end of the movie that not a single one of the special effects was actually working, he was working on a new technique, my son’s job specifically became just to find all the negative. It was all around town in unmarked boxes and under people’s editing [benches]. It was a nightmare itself. We pulled every favor in town to get all those special effects done very quickly and some of them are pretty sketchy.”
Right. Because the special effects were the only problem with that movie. Not the script or anything. I’m still trying to figure out how the hell Horace Pinker got all of that gear into his jail cell to perform his ritual and transfer all of that electricity into his body without anyone noticing until it was too late. But whatever, Shocker is pure 80’s cheese, and it delivers on that front. I can think of worse things I’d rather spend 90 minutes on. So, I welcome the remake because it is a movie that can be improved on, which is the reason that remakes should happen anyway. Let’s hope that we get a soundtrack equivalent to the late 80’s rock version that they gave us for the original movie. Dangerous Toys was on that one. Remember them? They had an awesome creepy ass clown logo and a song called “Sport’n A Woody”. Needless to say, they didn’t live up to that creepy ass clown logo.