Is The VHS Cover Better Than The Movie: Offerings (1989)

Ahhhh…..the good ol’ days of browsing the video store and picking up any and every VHS copy of a horror movie.  Some I rented, some I put back down.  But if I did pick it up, chances are that it had something deliciously sweet on the cover art.  I never rented the movie that I’m about to talk about, but I did recently watch it on Amazon Prime.  And that movie is called Offerings – a 1989 (looks older than that) slasher/comedy that sucks off John Carpenter’s Halloween hard (among other slasher movies as well) and might be one of the best worst horror movies ever!

Let’s get down to business though.  Take a look at the original VHS cover art:

p5k3S04

Now, from looking at that cover you would think you would be in store for some great slasher goodness, right?  Even the tagline ‘Remember him before he dismembers you!” is pretty snazzy.  And my eyes keep going back to the great artwork of the guy holding the gift dripping with blood.  I bet the ‘offerings’ they’re speaking of are people’s severed body parts!

Offerings is pretty much the stereotypical ‘bully gets revenge’ horror movie.  Not that it’s a bad thing mind you – but what is bad is the acting, the camera work, the soundtrack, and pretty much everything else in it that borrows super heavily from Halloween.  But……therein lies the charm, my friends!  Offerings is a terrible movie – no doubt about that.  It’s the kind of bad that is best viewed with a group of friends either stoned and/or ridiculously drunk.  If you’re a fan of horror movies with bad puns btw, then this will hit all of the right spots and give you a horrorgasm.  Enjoy the trailer below for proof, but don’t forget to glance back up at that surprisingly good VHS cover art before you leave the post!

That Time That Roger Ebert Said ‘Child’s Play 2’ Made Him Feel Unclean & Disturbed……

With the kinda great news that our favorite psychopathic killer doll Chucky would be gracing us with his screen presence again in the upcoming Cult Of Chucky, I thought it would be fun to snoop around Youtube for anything Child’s Play related.  And boy am I glad I did!  Remember Siskel & Ebert?  They were a thing one time.  And it’s not an exaggerated fact to say that they really didn’t like horror movies.  But man oh man are their reviews of horror movies fun to watch!  Let’s watch Roger Ebert confess that Child’s Play 2 made him feel “unclean and disturbed“:

Well, at least Ebert gave some props to the overall production value of the movie.  After he called it “Sick, unwholesome, and a completely malignant exercise!” though.  If you do watch a majority of their horror movie reviews, you would come to the conclusion that horror movies were responsible for the hunger and famine problems in the world today. But anyway, to say this is an enjoyable watch would be an understatement.  Btw guys (and I know they can’t read or hear this because they’re both dead now), Child’s Play 2 was a movie about a talking killer doll trying to play a game called ‘Hide The Soul’ with a little boy.  Let’s not overthink things, mmkay?

Monday Bloody Monday: ‘Dual Chainsaw Kill’ From ‘Deathgasm’ (2015)

I must apologize in advance for not having the superb ‘dildo scene’ from Deathgasm for you to view.  And if you don’t know what I’m talking out, I’m sure some of you are googling ‘dildo scene Deathgasm‘ and most likely getting in trouble if you’re doing that at work.  But instead of dildos, I have brought you dual-wielding chainsaws!

Welcome to Monday Bloody Monday where I am indeed diving into one of my favorite horror movies in the last few years:  Deathgasm!  So many good scenes in this one (yes, the ‘dildo scene’ being one of them), but I did ‘eeny meeny, miny, moe’ and picked the chainsaw scene where Zakk uses not one, but two chainsaws to take down some demon zombies.  Enjoy below and I’ll keep everyone posted on the possibility of Deathgasm dildos in the future….

Review: 31 (2016)

Let’s all go to the lobby…..Let’s all go to the lobby…..Let’s all go to the lobby, to get ourselves a treat!  Delicious things to eat, the popcorn can’t be beat…..The sparkling drinks are just dandy, the chocolate bars and nut candy…..So let’s all go to the lobby, to get ourselves a treat!  Why am I starting this review of Rob Zombie’s new movie 31 with lyrics from an old 50’s tune that you would hear play before a movie starts?  Beats the fuck outta me, but it’s more interesting than most of what’s going on in 31 unfortunately.   Continue reading

Gulp…..I’m A Little Worried About ‘Insidious: Chapter 2’

I hate when I get like this, but I’m starting to get the shakes.  Not the good kind of shakes that you get when you’re about to bite into a delicious double cheeseburger after you’ve been hungry all day, but the kind of shakes you get when you feel you’re about to be let down by a new horror movie.  Oh those are the worst, aren’t they?  I was damn near convulsing before I saw the Nightmare On Elm Street remake and now I’m getting that same feeling for Insidious: Chapter 2.

*Wake up! You’re missing The Golden Girls marathon!*

Look….I dug Insidious and recently re-watched it.  Was I blown away the first time I saw it?  Not particularly, but I jumped a few times and thought it had an overall great “creep” factor.  Still think the daytime scene of the little boy dancing in the living room to “Tiptoe Through The Tulips” is as good as scary daytime scenes come in a horror movie.  When the sequel was announced, it was a predictable announcement, but I understood it.  And when I heard that it would immediately pick up after the first one, I was even more intrigued (I hate sequels that just start 5 years later or never even acknowledge the original).  Then I saw the first trailer and it just felt so…..I don’t know…..forced?

*I’ll take a box of Thin Mints and one box of Samoas please*

James Wan knows horror and he’s proven that, especially with this year’s triumph, The Conjuring.  I don’t doubt his abilities as a filmmaker at all, especially in the horror genre, but what I do doubt after viewings of TV spots and trailers is that Insidious: Chapter 2 needed to be made at all.  Like I said earlier, forced seems to be the best way to describe my feelings towards it and overall, it looks like a complete rehash from the original.  I’ve also read that there’s more comedy in this one, which is what I didn’t like about Insidious when the bumbling paranormal team shows up.  Skip the comedy and give me the horror!

*They’re called breath mints….*

Early buzz from screenings isn’t great, which is even more of a letdown.  I am however going to remain optimistic and hope that James Wan has enough tricks up his sleeve to put a grin on my face and walk out of the theater with a full tummy of horror goodness.  For the record, the Darth Maul looking red demon from Insidious didn’t bother me like it did most.  What did bother me was the guy in the leather trench coat with the long hair.  Ugh.  Hopefully the old pervy “He’s got your baby!” guy from the trailer replaces trench coat guy in Insidious: Chapter 2.  It’s the little things in life that matter most.

Anticipation Alert: Sinister (2012)

At first glance, the poster for the upcoming supernatural shocker Sinister looks like your basic “been there done that” horror flick and the title alone makes it feel like a retread of Insidious and something that should go direct to DVD starring Tom Sizemore.  Sure there’s blood on the wall and oooooooh – look! The blood creates an evil facial image to make it even more scarrrrrrry!

*you little shit – I just painted that wall!*

Ok….well, I think I’m about to eat crow (never understood this saying btw – how do we know that a crow isn’t actually delicious?).  The trailer popped up online a few weeks back and I have to admit – it looked good.  There were more than a few “freaky” images to wet my whistle and it built up nicely to where I really wanted to see more once it ended.  Mission accomplished with the trailer.  Check it out with your own peepers below:

Now I know what you’re saying…..how many trailers have we seen that deliver the horror goods, but then the finished product ends up being a limp noodle that can’t join the pasta party (only the best analogies on this blog folks ). Bottom line is that I was still skeptical about this flick, until I started hearing the buzz and then saw that it was at 100% on Rotten Tomatoes.  So now I can officially say it:  I’m excited for this movie! I’m sure the Insidious comparisons will be aplenty, but I dug that movie, so I’m hoping to dig this too.  Insidious wasn’t perfect, but it did a lot right, and that’s the vibe I get from this flick.  As long as it brings the creepy and doesn’t succumb to the typical watered down Hollywood horror bullshit, I think I’ll be a happy camper.  Sinister comes out on Oct 5th, so get off your ass and support it!

*what ever happened to just playing hopscotch?*