Why Can’t We Make Michael Myers Scary Again?

Ok, so I haven’t officially done a review for the new Halloween on my site yet…..but here’s my review of it in a nutshell:

Loved the look of it, loved most of the nods to the original, loved the look of Michael Myers and the fact that Nick Castle was back.  Hated most of the humor, didn’t love the whole ‘I’ve been waiting 40 years for him to escape so I can kill him’ Jamie Lee Curtis storyline, and most importantly……I hated that Michael Myers wasn’t scary. 


Which brings me to this brief rant.  Now, I enjoyed the new movie just fine.  I didn’t love it.  I didn’t think it was amazing.  And it probably won’t even be in my Top 5 for the year.  But I liked it.  Why can’t we make Michael Myers scary again though?  Oh – I’m sure some people will say that he was scary in this.  Stomping a head into pieces does not make him scary.  Appearing in the shadows, popping up in the background of a shot so you can barely see him, and methodically stalking a victim makes him scary.  And the mask breathing.  None of which was really found here.

I think that’s why the humor was a huge miss for me.  I get it – Danny McBride and David Gordon Green write comedy.  But I don’t need that in a Halloween movie.  Sure, a little humor can help break up the flow of a horror movie in a good way – because the contrast that comes later on with the dread and killing can make it all the more unsettling.  I just really missed my scary Michael when I watched this ‘sequel’.  I even think back to Halloween II (which I honestly love btw), and that scene where Jamie Lee Curtis is crawling across the hospital parking lot.  Just so well done.

I have faith though.  Because there will be a sequel to the new Halloween (money talks…..and Michael’s breathing at the end) – and I am hoping…..and praying…..that Michael Myers can and will be scary again.  And btw – what the hell happened to the asshole boyfriend in the movie?  He didn’t deserve to die?  Psssshhhh.

So What Happens If This New ‘Halloween’ Movie Sucks?

Getting your hopes up is a terrible epidemic that affects millions of people every year.  Especially people who are fans of horror movies.  Last year, my hopes were way up for the new incarnation of Stephen King’s IT – and although I liked it, I was not in the majority that LOVED it.  Hence, my hopes were dashed because they were up way too high.  So what happens this year when October 19th rolls around?  Well, it’s my birthday of course!  Oh – not just mine actually…..but a certain mask-wearing/knife-wielding killer from Haddonfield, Illinois named Michael Myers’ as well.  And yes, he comes home on that date in theaters nationwide!

The new Halloween has some interesting twists coming along with it in the writer/director categories.  Directed and co-written by David Gordon Green (Pineapple Express), he isn’t exactly the first choice for a horror movie.  But, I’ll reserve judgement until my peepers see it for myself.  A favorite of mine, Danny McBride, co-wrote it along with Green and Jeff Fradley.  What does all of this mean for the tone?  Who fucking knows.  But what I do fucking know is that John Carpenter IS onboard as a consultant and will do most or all of the music for the movie.  Oh – and did I mention that Jamie Lee Curtis is back reprising her role as Laurie Strode?  I guess I really didn’t need to mention that unless you’ve been living under a rock for the last few months.


Now, recently some news got out about some early test screenings for Halloween.  And the word was not good.  You can take these opinions with a grain of salt and a Michael Myers grunt, as I will again reserve judgement until I see the final product for myself.  The poster that came out last week was alright, but people were figuratively sucking it off because the mask was shown…..but I kinda thought it didn’t look much different than Rob Zombie’s mask in his Halloween movies (one of the only redeeming qualities btw).  To each his or her own though, the excitement level for Halloween is steadily building steam.  When the trailer drops, so will the horror panties.  I don’t know that the hell that even met.  But anyway…….

So what if it sucks?  What if my hopes are so high, that if it does suck…..I go running out of the theater like a madman and dash into the street without looking and get hit by a car like Ben Tramer???  Oh, let’s hope that doesn’t happen.  And let’s hope that Halloween doesn’t suck, because I really do want to have a good birthday.  We shall see.  And if you want to get me something for my birthday, I’m an extra large.

On Second Thought: I Kinda Like ‘Halloween II’ More Than ‘Halloween’!

Calm down, calm down.  And please put the pitchforks away.  It you read the title of the post and are already shouting obscenities at the computer screen, allow me to piss you off some more so you can shout more of them at me.  Now look, I love John Carpenter’s original Halloween.  It was groundbreaking, creepy, had a great soundtrack, and introduced us to one of the most iconic horror villains ever in Michael Myers.  I can go on and on about the level of awesomeness that is and was Halloween.  But…….I have to be honest.  If I’m sitting at home on Halloween night, and I’m thinking of which Halloween movie I want to pop into the ol’ Blu-ray player……..I’m gonna go with Halloween II.


Perhaps it’s the fact that I can’t stop staring at Jamie Lee Curtis’ wig in the movie.  Or maybe it’s because I laugh every time drunk ass Ben Tramer gets hit by the ambulance. But there’s no denying that for me, Halloween II is much more entertaining than the first. It’s more of a straight up 80’s slasher movie, and I’m ok with that.  Michael Myers is way more brutal here as well – using scalpels, syringes, and hot tubs to dispose of his victims. Speaking of hot tubs…..oh my god, I just remembered why I love Halloween II so much!


Well obviously I was alluding to the infamous hot tub scene where we get to see Pamela Susan Shoop’s near perfect breasts (ahhh screw it, they are perfect) – but I wanted to class up this post and show a pic of her looking innocent in her nurse’s outfit.  And speaking of nurse’s outfits, that is another thing that I love about Halloween II:  The hospital setting.  I don’t know why, but I find it creepy to have a maniac running (or walking briskly) around a conveniently desolate hospital.  If the hospital food doesn’t kill you, Michael Myers will.  Zing!  But anyway, thank you for letting me gush about my love for Halloween II.  Hopefully this year when you have your Halloween franchise marathon, you’ll appreciate this sequel even more and also appreciate Pamela Susan Shoop’s luscious hooters.  Shout out to Al Bundy.

Remember The Time There Was Disco Dancing In An 80’s Slasher Movie?

Few things say ‘horror’ more than disco dancing.  Yes, it can be terrifying.  Yes, body parts can be flying to and fro.  And sometimes it can even make me want to get up and boogie, which if you’ve seen me dance then you know that can be extremely unsettling and scary.  Just know that if it rains, it might be because I’m getting my groove on.  But anyway, disco dancing was as much a focal point of the 1980 Jamie Lee Curtis led slasher Prom Night as was Lou’s decapitated head.  Oops – sorry.  That was a 36-year spoiler there.

The bottom line:  We might need more disco dancing in horror movies nowadays.  Clearly shit isn’t working too well lately, so why not throw some bell-bottoms in?  Let’s all get some inspiration for that and watch the disco inferno burn up below:

Sunday Bloody Sunday: ‘Nurse Franco Scalpel Death’ From ‘Halloween II’ (1981)

Happy October, everybody!  And because it’s that time of the year when everyone is getting into the Halloween spirit, I’ll be focusing on Halloween-themed movies this month for Sunday Bloody Sunday.

First up, one of my favorite kill scenes from the Halloween franchise.  Is it bloody?  Nope.  It’s all about the subtlety of it all.  In 1981’s personally loved sequel, Halloween II, Nurse Franco (Tawny Moyer) goes running after Laurie (Jamie Lee Curtis) down the hospital hallway.  Oops though, she didn’t know Michael Myers was looking to have fun with his scalpel!  Well, it doesn’t end well for Nurse Franco, and the shot of her being raised off of the ground by Michael and his sharp shiny instrument of death is eerily breathtaking.

Horror What Ifs: David Copperfield And Terror Train (1980)

So, what if David Copperfield was actually the killer in the 1980 cult classic horror flick Terror Train?  It’s a question that goes through my mind each and every time I watch this little slasher that could, along with the question of “Where can I get one of those lizard costumes for Halloween?”.  I always seem to liken Terror Train (out on a new Blu-Ray/DVD combo October 16th btw) to Tobe Hooper’s The Funhouse when it comes to the enjoyment factor and overall appeal that it has for the average and above average slasher fan out there.  It’s pretty paint by numbers as far as plot and character development, but I think it’s the whole Murder On The Orient Express feel that gives it that extra push.  Not to mention those infamous masks (Groucho and The Old Man) and of course, Jamie Lee Curtis who gives us her patented scream, but not her patented boobs…..sigh

*haha – good one man – I do look better with my mask on!*

But let’s get on to the topic at hand, or should I say, sleight of hand.  David Copperfield appears in the movie playing a role that he was made to play – a magician.  He blows our mind by inserting a cigarette through a quarter and then magically makes some peanuts appear in Jamie Lee Curtis’ hands because she has peanuts envy of course.  I mean seriously – a cigarette through a quarter!?  This man holds nothing back!   Continue reading

Horror Hijinks: PJ Soles Calls A Cigarette A Beer! (Halloween – 1978)

It’s no secret that John Carpenter’s 1978 groundbreaking horror masterpiece Halloween is in my top 10, if not at the top, for my favorite horror movie of all time.  I had to change my pants on a few occasions as a child after getting a glimpse of Michael Myers in that William Shatner mask, and to this day it still freaks me out (not the ones that were in the many sequels to follow though….so terrible).  Now in addition to the unsettling atmosphere and soundtrack, there were some unintentional or maybe intentional comic relief moments to ease a little of that terror filled tension.

*can I borrow a pair of slacks? mine are a little dirty*

Whether it was Annie smacking her lips and chewing on the phone with Laurie, annoying Tommy falling and smashing his pumpkin, the masculine voice that came out of Annie’s mouth when she’s in the garage and says “Owww!”, or the fact that little Lindsey grew up to be a Real Housewife Of Beverly Hills – there were more than enough zingers that came out of this horror classic.    Continue reading