Ladies And Gentlemen……The Great Leap Of Jason Voorhees In ‘Friday The 13th Part III’!

With the Summer Olympics on the horizon, I figured I would showcase someone who had so much raw potential and skill in the 80’s, that he could have easily been a champion participant.  I’m talking about none other than Jason Voorhees!  Oh go ahead and laugh and throw things at the computer screen.  Apparently you haven’t seen a little movie called Friday The 13th Part III???  Behold the majestic wonder of Jason’s nimble legs, as he uses them to jump out of the way of a speeding van:

Wow!  Have you ever seen such elegance and grace?  It’s like he could have leapt off of the screen if he wanted to, which would have been appropriate considering the film was in 3D.  If only Jason had realized his full Olympic potential, he could have been competing for the gold in the high jump or hurdles.  Instead, he would just go on to make more Friday The 13th sequels and then appear in a lackluster reboot in 2009.  Oh wait – how could I forget about the judges?  Judges, let’s see your scores for that incredible ‘dodging the van’ leap from Mr. Voorhees……

judge

Well, I have no idea why the Looney Tunes characters have showed up in this post as judges, but they’re here so let’s just roll with it.  And looking at those scores, I think we can only come up with one conclusion:  Porky The Pig and Pepe Le Pew really like Jason and would like to have a threesome with him.  Ok, maybe not – but what is clear is that Jason Voorhees missed his calling as a future Olympian, and the world lost out on something truly special and glorious.  Just another sad case of wasted talent.  Btw – yes, I was high when I wrote this post.  USA!  USA!  USA!

Sunday Bloody Sunday: ‘Boxing Decapitation’ From ‘Friday The 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan’ (1989)

I’m sure when you were watching the big Mayweather/Pacquiao fight last night, you were rooting for one of them to literally punch the other’s head off.  A bit sadistic, yes – but wouldn’t it have made it more exciting and entertaining?  But alas, that only happens in movies.  More specifically, in Friday The 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan.

Welcome to this week’s Sunday Bloody Sunday – and since everyone has been in a big boxing mood lately, I figured I’d return to one of the best on-screen deaths (in one of the worst sequels in the franchise) at the hands of Jason Voorhees.  Yes, young boxing prodigy Julius is about to find out why you don’t spar with the big guy in the hockey mask.  Take it away, Jason!

Happy Friday The 13th!!!

Are we really having two Friday The 13th’s in two straight months?  Yes, it’s true and it’s a glorious time for all of my diehard Friday The 13th movie fans out there.  One of my fondest memories of watching this franchise was staying up on a Saturday night and watching the marathon that used to take place on the USA Network on cable.  When I wasn’t staring at USA Up All Night host Rhonda Shear’s breasts (folks who watched know what I’m talking about), I was anticipating some hacking and slashing from the one and only Mr. Voorhees.  So my nostalgia meter definitely went off the charts this morning when I found this old promo on Youtube from one of those marathons.  Check it out below and enjoy!

Urine Trouble: Ginny From ‘Friday The 13th Part 2’ (1981)

Bed wetting is a serious problem.  Unfortunately for Ginny from Friday The 13th Part 2, so is floor wetting.  That’s right – before Ginny was pulling a fast one on Jason by wearing his dead Mother’s sweater and pretending to be her, she was peeing on the floor.  Which is good news for me because Ginny is the perfect first choice for my new feature:  Urine Trouble.

I actually hold Friday The 13th Part 2 in high regard when it comes to the countless sequels in the franchise.  I know the hockey mask is iconic when we’re talking about Jason Voorhees, but I actually preferred the sack he wore in this one.  And as far as final girls go, Ginny more than held her own.  Too bad she couldn’t hold her bladder though while hiding under the bed from Sack Head Jason and his pitchfork.

I guess if anything, this scene is pretty realistic and should be commended for that.  I mean, if I was playing hide-and-seek with a murderous vengeful disfigured hillbilly that can’t swim, I would probably spring a leak too.  It seems however, to be a rat that Ginny was most nervous of.  I’ll let that slide though, because rats are most definitely piss worthy.  Speaking of the piss, that’s quite a puddle she let loose there.  Which is pretty spectacular considering she’s wearing jeans.  Director Steve Miner has said previously that the pee is from the rat, but I smell a cover up unless that rat had super piss capabilities. Bonus points for Sack Head Jason trying to balance his large body on a tiny chair to surprise Ginny.  That worked out well for him.

**

*Excuse me ma’am – can you spare a diaper?*

Sunday Bloody Sunday: ‘Bone Saw Neck Kill’ From ‘Friday The 13th Part 4 – The Final Chapter’

Poor Axel.  All he wants to do is get it on with a sexy nurse at work and unfortunately the “presumed to be dead” body of Jason Voorhees is getting in the way of that.  Lucky for him, he has his equally sexy aerobics video to watch so he doesn’t get complete blue balls.  Welcome to this week’s Sunday Bloody Sunday where I’ll spotlight Axel’s gnarly bone saw death from Friday The 13th Part 4.

The great Tom Savini pulled out all the stops in this third sequel to the Friday The 13th franchise, and Axel’s death was definitely one of the highlights!  Yes, around the same time that actor Bruce Mahler was tearing it up with Steve Guttenberg in Police Academy, he was portraying a pervy hospital worker who was supposed to be keeping an eye on our favorite hockey masked killer. Being that he was more interested in being pervy though, Jason took advantage and tore into his neck with an on-hand bone saw.  Let this be a lesson to all of you pervs out there.  Being too pervy = a bone saw in your neck.  Lesson learned.

*of course I’m down for a threesome!*

 

*I’d f*ck me*

 

*premature ejaculation*

Am I Wrong For Wanting Another ‘Friday The 13th’ Movie?

It’s crazy because I was just finishing up writing this post about how I wanted another Friday The 13th movie, and low and behold, Paramount has obtained full rights from Warner Bros, and now has 5 years to crank out as many Fridays as it can!  So yeah, still read my post about it to get my take on the future of the franchise in general:  

Let me get this out there right away:  I actually kind of liked the 2009 Friday The 13th reboot/remake.  No where near as awful or groan-inducing as the Nightmare On Elm Street retry abortion, the Friday reboot actually had a decent set of balls attached to it.  And a few great pairs of boobs too.  I loved the beginning scene with the first set of victims, but then once it got into the whole ‘my sister is missing’ territory, it lost steam pretty quick.  The kills were there, but they were uninspired and I felt that had they just stuck to a bare bones script (keeping the boobs of course and some inventive kills), we would have been much better off.  But I didn’t hate it, which is why I’m a little surprised that there isn’t a sequel in the works or even any real substantial talk about one.

*wow!  those machete seeds grew faster than I thought!*

The film made money.  And horror, for the moment anyway, seems to be on the rise again as far as movies and TV go.  They’ve pretty much already greenlit another Texas Chainsaw Massacre movie, and that reboot/remake sucked ass.  So what’s the deal?  I know that there are issues with the whole Paramount/Warner Bros distribution rights fiasco.  Or maybe it was the Nightmare On Elm Street rework a year later that gave everyone cold feet to step back inside Camp Crystal Lake?  Look, it’s not rocket science.  Have someone come up with a basic premise, add some hot girls, some dumb decisions, and a few interesting/holy shit death scenes, and the horror masses will be happy.  Kind of sounds like I’m riffing off of the whole Cabin In The Woods message, eh?

*worst hide and seek game ever*

I think they can get this one right.  The horror remake track record is not strong, but I have to believe that whoever is involved can take Friday The 13th back to the roots and spit out something that we can swallow.  I’m down with Jason Mears strapping on the hockey mask again and I also wouldn’t be opposed to doing something fun in 3D, ala what they did with My Bloody Valentine.  To this day, one of the best movie experiences I’ve had was a packed Midnight 3D showing of Friday The 13th Part 3, with the original cast in attendance.  Maybe even give Crispin Glover a call, since I’m pretty sure that you can get him for cheap nowadays.

Dirty Horror Mysteries: What Happened To Gordon The Dog In ‘Friday The 13th Part 4’?

There have been many mysteries that remain unsolved and unanswered throughout the realms of the history of cinema.  What was in the briefcase in Pulp Fiction?  Does the spinning top eventually fall over in Inception? What happened to MacReady and Childs at the end of The Thing?  Could the volleyball scene in Top Gun have been anymore gay?  All of these puzzlements are mere child’s play compared to the cinematic question that hangs heavy over our heads.  What happened to Gordon The Dog in Friday The 13th Part 4???   Continue reading