Egads! It’s Paul from the stellar 1988 remake of The Blob! He’s looking right into the soul of your eyes, so try not to be too intimidated…..but that layer of The Blob over his peepers probably helps your chances! Oh great, sexy 1988 version of Shawnee Smith (and also Paul’s girlfriend in the movie) just walked by trying to distract you. Nice try, Shawnee! It’s gonna take a lot more than that……oh dear God – it’s Kevin Dillon’s mullet from the movie and it just distracted you! Curses! Paul wins. But also dies because The Blob just ate him.
Oh no! It’s Grandpa from Silent Night, Deadly Night! This staring contest will be challenging because Grandpa just literally stares ahead most of the time anyway……unless of course he’s talking and scaring the shit out of his grandson, Billy. Focus! Stare into Grandpa’s beady little eyes. Don’t let the smell of Bengay that’s permeating off of his body distract you. Or the urine smell from his adult diapers. I said focus, dammit! Wait – what’s this??? Billy’s brother Ricky just ran behind you and yelled “Garbage Day!” and Grandpa looked away! You win! But Ricky loses because Grandpa is now beating him with his cane.
Oh no! It’s Chucky! Or…..I mean, Buddi! Or…..Chucky! I don’t know, it’s all very confusing. But regardless, it’s that doll from that new Child’s Play movie. Look at those piercing, haunting blue eyes. No seriously, look at them or you’re going to lose the staring contest. Stay focused, man! Try not to think about the comparisons to the original Chucky doll. Or the fact that Brad Dourif isn’t doing the voice this time. Or the fact that Luke Skywalker is. (Throws coins on the ground) Wait, that doll was distracted by money and you win the staring contest! Seems fitting. Oh – and go see Child’s Play this weekend. Or don’t. Either way it’s all good.
Dr. Herbert West from Re-Animator! Oh – look at the determination in his bulging eyes. Don’t fret. You can break him. Just don’t break any pencils out of frustration. Stay focused. Think about the fact that Bride of Re-Animator is a pretty good sequel. Wait. What are you doing?!? Don’t look away! Oh – I see. Barbara Crampton just walked into your field of vision while not wearing a bra. Dammit, Herbert West! You win this round!! Now you have nothing left to do but go get a job at a sideshow.
A bit of a challenge this week – because you have to beat not one, but two sets of eyes! You can do it though. Just don’t be a dummy and fuck up. Oh, I should mention that one of your opponents is actually a dummy. Focus, my friend. Sir Anthony Hopkins is going to try and break you while gazing into your eyes like a hungry Hannibal Lecter. I would shift your focus to Fats the ventriloquist dummy, because he looks more weak. I wish he would close his mouth though because that’s distracting. Oh wait! A sexy female ventriloquist dummy just came in the room and Fats looked away! You win!! And so does Fats because he’s about to have hot dummy sex in a minute.
Oh of course. Our competitor is the original Pennywise because the new IT movie is coming out tomorrow (with the new Pennywise as well). Classic promotional tactic. But anyway, don’t look into his deadlights! If you don’t, you might have a chance to win this staring contest. But, seeing that you need to look him in the eyes to be victorious in this particular challenge pretty much means that you’re fucked. Oh well – I’m sure it’s not so bad in the deadlights. Maybe you could even get a nice fruity alcoholic drink while you’re there. Don’t forget your balloon! Don’t you want it? Don’t you want it? Don’t you want it? Beep Beep. You lose.
Oh. Hi Annabelle. Ok – just because you have a brand new movie coming out in a few weeks, it doesn’t mean that you’re going to beat us at this staring contest. My, what big eyes you have though. Ok, time to stay focused. Don’t be distracted by her rosy cheeks. Don’t be distracted by her pigtails and fancy bangs. Just try and think about…….wait. Why am I peeing my pants? Dammit, Annabelle! You possessed me and made me piss myself, thus making me lose the staring contest! Arrrgh. Go see Annabelle: Creation on August 11th in theaters. She made me say that too.
Oh no! It’s Scott from the original Evil Dead! And not “Party Down!” Scott……but demonically possessed Scott! His eyes….my God, look at his eyes! No seriously, look at them because this is a staring contest. Try not to be distracted by his suddenly grey hair. Or that blood coming out of his mouth. Keep focused and just think about how annoying his laugh was in the movie and that will make you want to defeat him even more. Oh wait – Ash just stepped in and gouged both of his eyes out with his thumbs! You win!!!!!!!!!
Tis’ the season for Ricky from Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2! So let’s have ourselves a good ol’ staring contest with him and see if it turns out to be naughty or nice. Don’t let Ricky’s scowl distract you. Stay focused on his menacing eyes. He is quite intimidating, but if you keep your eyes on the……….wait, where are you going?! You’re taking out the garbage?! That’s not a good move with Ricky around. Ah screw it – you lose. Go listen to ‘The Warm Side Of The Door’ and drown your sorrows.