Dirty Horror’s 2014 New Year’s Resolutions

Sadly, 2013 is gone.  And we’ll never get to see her again.  Oh sure, we had our fun times and may have even objectified her a tad, but she’s gone like a stinky fart in the wind.  Enter in her replacement:  2014.  And to make 2014 feel welcome, especially in the horror blogging world, I’m going to give my New Year’s resolutions to make her feel wanted and loved and to make sure that I give her everything that I couldn’t give 2013.

Resolution #1:  Watch the first season and new season of Bates Motel

One of my regrets from 2013 was that I bailed early on AMC’s show, Bates Motel.  It wasn’t that I wasn’t into it mind you…..it was just that I got caught up in so many other shows, that I neglected it.  To make matters worse, I watched an entire season of that shit show Under The Dome, but didn’t give Bates Motel the time of day.  But not this year.  I’m watching the first season and giving the second season my undivided and full attention when it starts on March 3rd.  The lovely Vera Farmiga would want it that way.

 

Resolution #2:  I will try to have more of an open mind with horror remakes

Yeah.  I’m one of those horror fans.  The one who screams to the mountain tops when a remake is announced.  And I’ll admit, I tend to be a little set in my ways and hate for the sake of hating when it comes to remakes.  Not that I don’t give some their praise though (Maniac, Evil Dead), but the majority that do come out get an extra dose of shit piled on them from me.  See last year’s Carrie review for proof.  But this year, I want to change.  I want to (grits teeth hard) have hope for the Robocop remake.  I want to not roll my eyes when the new Poltergeist remake releases a trailer.  Seriously?!  They’re remaking Poltergeist!?  What the f*ck?!!!  Ok, this is gonna be harder than I thought.

 

Resolution #3:  Watch and listen to more commentary tracks on horror Blu-ray releases

Nothing irritates me more about myself than plucking down $25 for a new Blu-ray release, only to watch the movie and pay zero attention to the extras that are included.  Can’t explain why I do it, but I’m sure part of it is laziness and the other part has something to do with my constant ADD frame of mind.  This year, I want to appreciate and enjoy some of the extras that come with Blu-ray releases, especially the commentary tracks.  Companies like Scream Factory are busting their ass to give fans what the want with their releases, and here’s somebody like me sitting on his ass only watching the movie.  And to that I say (while semi-violently pumping my fist in the air):  It’s time for a change!

 

Resolution #4:  Try and get on board with the Paranormal Activity franchise  

Not one, but two new Paranormal Activity movies are coming out in 2014.  And judging from the list of horror movies that will be hitting the big screen this year, the Paranormal movies are looking more and more appealing.  But here’s the thing:  I don’t understand the love that these movies get.  I saw the first one.  Saw the third one as well.  Heard the fourth one was crap, so I didn’t bother.  But now I’m hearing all sorts of good buzz about Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones which comes out this week, so I feel it might be time for me to jump on board with this franchise.  If I was able to ride for seven straight Saw movies, I can surely give these found footage flicks a chance, right?  Of course I can!  I can do it!!!  Because I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggone it, people like me.  Thanks, Stuart Smalley!

So The Robocop Remake Is Going To Be PG-13………

What do you think about that, original Robocop?

Not a huge shocker by any means, but yes…..the upcoming Robocop remake has been given a PG-13 rating.  Considering that the recently released trailer seemed to be going that route anyway, everything seems to be going as planned for this unnecessary remake.  Next up:  the inevitable box office failure.

This remake sports a pretty strong cast (Gary Oldman, Samuel L. Jackson, Michael Keaton), but I really think it’s doomed.  To make it worse on a personal levee, the original Robocop is a HUGE piece of my childhood.  They’re probably not even smart enough to fit the whole “I’d buy that for dollar!” saying into the remake.  And knowing that it looks like I won’t even get the glorious over-the-top violence that was displayed in the 1987 original is more than disappointing.  Where the hell am I supposed to get my mutated toxic waste bad guy fix now???