Lets Have Another Staring Contest…….

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Tis’ the season for Ricky from Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2!  So let’s have ourselves a good ol’ staring contest with him and see if it turns out to be naughty or nice.  Don’t let Ricky’s scowl distract you.  Stay focused on his menacing eyes.  He is quite intimidating, but if you keep your eyes on the……….wait, where are you going?!  You’re taking out the garbage?!  That’s not a good move with Ricky around.  Ah screw it – you lose.  Go listen to ‘The Warm Side Of The Door’ and drown your sorrows.

Monday Bloody Monday: ‘Topless Wood Chipper Death’ From ‘Silent Night’ (2012)

It’s Christmastime!  Carolers are caroling.  The mistletoe is being hung.  And a topless women is getting thrown into a wood chipper in broad daylight by a psychotic Santa Claus.

Welcome to Monday Bloody Monday, and since it’s the holiday season it feels only right to spotlight a Christmas-themed horror movie.  In 2012, Silent Night was released and was actually a decent little throwback to Silent Night, Deadly Night.  And just like in the latter, Santa is out to punish the naughty.  In this case, the naughty is a topless girl who is about to meet her grisly demise at the merciless hands of a wood chipper.  Grab some egg nog and click the link below:

Sunday Bloody Sunday: ‘Death By Umbrella’ From ‘Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2’ (1987)

Sometimes I think about what the worst, but entertaining, way to die would be.  Choking on a delicious taco from Taco Bell?  Being impaled by an umbrella while rain falls on top of my dead body in an ironic manner?  Yeah, that last one would probably be it.

Welcome to this week’s Sunday Bloody Sunday and a Happy Holiday to you all!  Let’s all get into the Christmas spirit with a scene from a terrible 1987 Christmas-themed horror movie called Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2.  Yes, this movie is infamous just for it’s ‘Garbage Day’ scene alone – but let’s not forget about the scene where Ricky (Billy’s brother from the original 1984 movie) decides to get creative with an umbrella to dispose of someone who’s been “naughty”.  Bonus points for Ricky’s crazy eyes and for the ironic rain falling at the end of the death, which miraculously only seems to really be falling on the murder spot.  That’s some Hollywood magic right there.

Top 10 Old Guys In Horror Movie History

Lately, my grey hairs have been out of control.  And I seem to be urinating more than I have in the past too.  Not to mention I’m always taking ‘cat naps’ because I just can’t seem to get the energy going that I used to.  Bottom line:  I’m getting old.  So I wanted to celebrate my favorite old guys throughout the years of horror movies with a Top 10 list to make myself feel better about inching towards that infamous age of 40.  So without further adieu, I give to you the Top 10 Old Guys In Horror Movie History:

 

10.  Old Man (Night Of The Demons – 1988)

The old man in 1988’s Night Of The Demons was the definition of a cranky old sonofabitch.  He was that guy that would tell kids to stay off his lawn and spent his later years making kids feel bad for being kids.  Fittingly, he got what he deserved in the end when his ‘razor blades in the apples’ Halloween trick backfired horribly.  Poor cranky old sonofabitch.

 

9.  Grampa (TerrorVision – 1986)

More than a guilty pleasure for me, TerrorVision is the epitome of an 80’s “Midnight Movie”.  And the character of Grampa more than contributed to that whole vibe.  He was a little bat-shit crazy, but what old guy isn’t?  Now please enjoy this clip of his epic demise.

 

8.  Mr. Machen (The Fog – 1980)

It’s all about the voice.  And actor John Houseman had the kind of voice that would make Kim Kardashian’s memoirs sound interesting if he read it out loud.  His scene in John Carpenter’s The Fog was added later in production to bulk up the movie, and I for one am glad it was.  Watch and listen to Mr. Machen scare the shit out of bunch of little kids around a campfire with his tale of a ship that sank 100 years ago.

 

7.  Joe Petto (Silent Night, Deadly Night 5: The Toy Maker)

Raise your hand if you even knew that there was a fifth installment of the killer Santa Claus franchise, Silent Night, Deadly Night.  Ok – now raise your hand again if you knew that national treasure Mickey Rooney starred in that movie.  Yeah, that’s right – he played a psychotic toy maker named Joe Petto, which was a somewhat clever nod to the story of Pinocchio.  Not many clips of old man Rooney in action in this one on Youtube, so check out the crappy trailer for film to get your fix.

 

6.  Grandpa (The Lost Boys – 1987)

How cool would it be if your grandpa was not only a taxidermist, but also a secret vampire hunter too?  Pretty damn cool, which is why Grandpa from 1987’s The Lost Boys made the list.  He’s pretty kooky throughout the movie, but damn near steals it with this scene at the end.

 

5.  Grandpa (Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 – 1986)

Another character named Grandpa!  Now although I’m very partial to the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre over the sequel in terms of the movie as a whole, I have to give the edge of the Grandpa character to the latter.  He was more spry, had more personality, and honestly swung that hammer like a spring chicken (albeit a borderline decomposing one).

 

4.  Dr. Loomis (Halloween: The Curse Of Michael Myers – 1995)

You may have noticed that I chose the sixth installment of the Halloween franchise for Dr. Loomis’ character.  That’s because he was pretty damn old in it and it showed.  It turned out though, that it would be his swan song because actor Donald Pleasence passed away shortly after Halloween: The Curse Of Michael Myers was completed.  So let’s raise a pint to the amazing Dr. Loomis and his equally amazing trench coat.

 

3.  Henry Kane (Poltergeist II: The Other Side – 1986)

Not many horror characters burn their image into your brain like Henry Kane from Poltergeist II: The Other Side.  Pretty much the only good thing about this sequel (besides the giant tequila worm of course) is this Bible thumping creepy old man that stole the show with his infectious smile and thinning hair.  Dogs don’t seem to take too kindly to him though, which is usually a major red flag in a horror movie.

 

2.  Crazy Ralph (Friday The 13th Part 1 & 2 – 1980, 1981)

You’re all doomed!!!”  And with that line, Crazy Ralph skyrocketed himself into the upper echelon of horror catchphrases.  Some might have actually been surprised that Ralph survived Pamela Voorhees in the first Friday The 13th.  The second time was not a charm unfortunately, as he took some barbed wire to the neck after being a creepy peeping tom.  Serves you right Crazy Ralph!

 

1.  Grandpa (Silent Night, Deadly Night – 1984)

Alright – here we go!  Did you expect someone else to be at number 1?  If you haven’t seen 1984’s Silent Night Deadly Night, then not only did you miss out on an awesome sledding decapitation, but you also missed out on the best old man moment ever in horror movie history.  Billy, our psychopathic killer Santa Claus, visits his Grandpa in a nursing home when he’s 5-years-old.  It’s at this point where the old bastard scares the shit out of Billy by telling him the horrible truth that Santa punishes little boys and girls who are naughty. Because of that, we pretty much have Grandpa to thank in part for Billy’s murderous rampage that would happen years later.  Thanks for that Grandpa, but congrats on grabbing the number 1 spot!

Thank God For Grandpa Chapman From ‘Silent Night, Deadly Night’ (1984)

There have been many scene stealers throughout the history of cinema. Daniel Day Lewis in Gangs Of New York.   Anthony Hopkins in Silence Of The Lambs.  And of course, the crazy nursing home Grandpa from Silent Night Deadly Night.  And what Christmas Eve would be complete without Grandpa Chapman’s warning to a young Billy Chapman about Santa Claus?

Yeah.  F*ck hearing Twas The Night Before Christmas…..I’ll take the old man’s bat shit crazy rant over that any day.  So, Merry Christmas Eve everybody and just remember to heed Grandpa Chapman’s words of wisdom this season.  If you see Santa Claus, you better run.  If you’ve been naughty, you better run faster.  And if you see Grandpa Chapman, I’d keep young kids away from him for obvious reasons.

*What do you mean I smell like cough drops and Ben-Gay?*

Ho Ho Holy Sh*t! Santa’s Got A Flamethrower! New ‘Silent Night’ Trailer Is Up!

Do you hear what I hear?  If you hear a deranged person dressed up like Santa Claus revving up their flamethrower, then we’re hearing the same thing. Yes, Jolly St. Nick is back at it again in Steven C. Miller’s Silent Night, a “loose” remake of  the 80’s horror movie that parents and religious groups denounced, Silent Night Deadly Night.  And even though it’s not in the new title, judging from the trailer that just popped up, it will most definitely be a deadly night as well!  A lot of genre favorites are along for this sleigh ride including:  Malcolm McDowell (A Clockwork Orange, Halloween), Jamie King (Mother’s Day, My Bloody Valentine), Donal Logue (Blade), and Lisa Marie (Sleepy Hollow, Ed Wood).  Check out the Christmas carnage below:

Definitely looks like a fun “straight-to-DVD” time.  Gimme some ridiculous performances, a few Christmas themed kills, maybe a boob or two, and it will have all of the makings of the original Silent Night Deadly Night.  Malcolm McDowell seems to be phoning it in, but I have to give it up to Jamie King for continuously throwing her hat into the horror ring.  Santa Claus will be coming to town on November 30th to a few of your local theaters, but mostly will be coming on December 4th to DVD and VOD everywhere, so pick it up for that perfect stocking stuffer!

*ok my son – for cutting off my fingers, you must do three Hail Marys and four Our Fathers*