Hey everyone! If you’re looking to shed those extra pounds, one simple way to lose them is by having a weight machine crush your head in half. If that sounds extreme, that’s because it is. But you have to make sacrifices to get your body on track, right? Welcome to this week’s Sunday Bloody Sunday where I’m highlighting one of the many great death scenes from Troma’s undisputed B-movie classic, The Toxic Avenger.
For all of you drug dealers out there who like to hang out in sweaty gyms, it’s probably best for you if The Toxic Avenger doesn’t go to your gym. Why you ask? Because there are so many creative and fun ways that he can kill you! Maybe he could strangle you with a jump rope? Bludgeon you with two barbells? Or hold you down and jam part of a weight machine through your head until it splits in two. We’ll go with that last one. Btw – it’s very polite of Toxie to mop up his messes, don’t you think?
Back in 1989, a tragedy occurred. I fell victim once again to the misleading VHS cover. And this time, the culprit was the “words cannot describe just how bad it is” poor excuse for a horror movie, Beware! Children At Play. I’ll admit it – the cover pulled me in as I snatched off the rack of one of my favorite Mom & Pop rental establishments, Video Vision. The Troma symbol had never steered me wrong in the past, so I figured I’d be bad movie heaven, but in a disgusting/enjoyable kind of way of course.
The movie is crap people. But it does supply us with some unintentional humor that can make up for some of that crap. I liken it to another crapfest, Children Of The Living Dead, if you’d like a comparison. Now the ending of Beware! Children At Play is the bread and butter of the awfulness, but in light of certain tragedies that have occurred, I won’t be posting that up. So my runner up would be the following death scene of a Bible salesman just trying to spread the word of God:
And now: 7 observations I have after watching that:
1. I believe the guy he was trying to catch up to was named Braun.
2. He looks like Saul from Homeland.
3. At :30 in – Is there a reason the director wanted us to watch him walk up a hill for 20 seconds?
4. Being that the sickle was swung so slowly and poorly, it’s amazing that it cut his entire body completely in half.
5. Worst fall to the ground ever after being sliced in half.
6. Three legged dogs can actually run surprisingly fast.
7. I guess he raised the sickle up again at 1:21, which now miraculously doesn’t have blood on it btw, just to mock the Bible thumper.
Seek out Beware! Children At Play if you’re looking for a bad movie good time. It might not put out like you want it to at the end of the night, but at least you get to cop a decent feel or two so it’s not a total waste of time.
The shitty horror movie has always existed and still does of course (that was too easy of a set up for Smiley). But the beauty of a shitty horror movie is if it actually knows it’s shitty. Which is why growing up, I always could rely on Troma Entertainment to supply me with my “so shitty, it’s good” movie quota. Founder of Troma, Lloyd Kaufman, is a king in the independent movie scene. And in a future post, I’ll tell you exactly why. But the matter of this post today is not about that, but about the sequel that has been almost 27 years in the making. Everyone who watched Troma’s 1986 classic Class Of Nuke ‘Em High on USA’s Up All Night, can finally exhale and rejoice….because in 2013, Tromites around the world will finally have Return To Nuke ‘Em High!
Take this with a grain of salt or a dash of pepper if you will, but it’s being reported by It’s On The Grid that John Travolta is attached to star in the remake of Lloyd Kaufman’s 1984 B-Movie classic, The Toxic Avenger. Director Steve Pink (Hot Tub Time Machine) is scheduled to be behind the camera with Lloyd Kaufman contributing as producer and writer as well. If true, this would be some of the most interesting movie news to “come out” in awhile.
*look who’s been sweatin’ to the oldies!*
Now I for one would welcome John Travolta to Tromaville. The burning question on everyone’s mind though would be: who would he play in this toxic remake? Would he be man enough to grab the big mop and portray our hero Toxie? Or possibly transform, accent and all, into stereotypical Irish cop, Officer O’Clancy? Better yet….and this would be a stretch of course for more than one reason….but maybe Johnny Boy could be the leader of the street toughs who cause chaos and offer up hilarious dialogue in the restaurant scene. There would be some pigment issues, but he could step into and try to fill the big army shoes of Frank. I think he could “pull it off”!
*a bad pun was just made at the expense of my ripped off arm*
Let’s wait and see if this rumor/news gets verified before we start planning our Travolta Troma party. In the meantime, go back and watch the original Toxic Avenger to see low budget/b-movie perfection at it’s finest. Just don’t watch Part 2. Seriously. Don’t do it. And while we’re at it – don’t watch Hairspray or you’ll be subjected to this: