Review: Cabin Fever (2016)

When I first heard that Eli Roth’s Cabin Fever was being remade, I had to do some serious math in my head.  Add the 2, multiply the 4, carry the 3 and……holy shit – it’s been almost 15 years since it was released!  Even though that seems like a somewhat high number and makes me feel slightly old, I’m not sure it’s long enough to warrant the remake treatment.  But with Eli Roth’s blessing and guidance, writer Randy Pearlstein and director Travis Zariwny set out to accomplish just that, with early news breaking that they would ‘put their own spin’ on Roth’s original.  Well they must have been drinking contaminated water when they said that, because the only spinning going on here is from your head wondering why this was even made.  Harsh?  Yeah.  So let’s get into it.   Continue reading

Monday Bloody Monday: ‘Human Christmas Cookies’ From ‘Black Christmas’ (2006)

Mmmmmm.  Can you smell that?  It’s the delicious smell of your favorite Christmas cookies cooking in the oven.  You have to give them time to cook though.  Don’t take them out too soon!  Oh – and you might want to get some extra frosting to mask the taste of the human flesh.  Yuck.

On this week’s Monday Bloody Monday, I’m going to 2006 for one of the most controversial horror remakes of all time:  Black Christmas.  Why so controversial?  Because the original Black Christmas in 1974 is an unheralded classic that was the blueprint for some of your favorite slasher movies that would come later on.  But enough about my crush on the original, the remake had one scene that was just disgusting and over-the-top enough to get my interest.  Click the link below to watch Billy do some damage to his 8-year-old sister Agnes and to his mother that raped him to be able to conceive Agnes.  Yeah – that really happens.  Yuck.

So Apparently A ‘Cabin Fever’ Remake Is Coming?

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Ok – I had to get that out of the way real quick.  Word broke a few days ago that after the massive success of the last Cabin Fever sequel called Cabin Fever: Patient Zero, a remake of the original 2002 Eli Roth movie is in place instead of another fantastic sequel.  In case you’re not up on the sarcasm these days, that last sentence was drenched in it.

I get that people need to make money in these hard times.  I myself have a nice little side business going with selling old Garbage Pail Kids stickers on Ebay right now, so I understand that the struggle is real.  But why oh why do we have to even attempt to remake movies that are only 12 years old?  It stings even more for me with this one, because I honestly love Eli Roth’s original Cabin Fever.  The movie gave me an excessive fear of karate-kicking kids who like to yell “Pancakes!” and a fear of shaving my legs if I ever did shave my legs.

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No matter how much bitching I or anyone else does, it seems that quite possibly the most unnecessary horror remake ever (in terms of time between the original) will be happening for sure. Maybe for this one, they’ll get another star of The Goonies to get onboard to drum up interest since Sean Astin starred in Cabin Fever: Patient Zero and that did so well.  But nope, not even the ‘Truffle Shuffle’ will be able to save this remake from the impending doom that surrounds it and everyone involved.

I take this time to plead to Eli Roth if he has any say at all, to not allow this to happen.  In the meantime while that pleading takes place and we all try and wash the taste out of our mouths of this terrible news, let’s watch that karate-kicking kid hop around and yell “Pancakes!” to make our day better:

Review: Carrie (2013)

Meh.  I have a feeling there are going to be a lot of those in this review.  I really hate pointless remakes, especially when dealing in the horror genre.  Trying to keep an open mind can be tough when a remake is in the works, and my mind was already three-fourths closed when the remake was announced for 1976’s horror classic, Carrie.  Yes, the movie where the term ‘dirty pillows’ was introduced along with pig’s blood at the prom.  Directed by Brian De Palma with Oscar nominated performances from Sissy Spacek and Piper Laurie, the original Carrie stands the test of time based off of those performances and it’s vivid and intense imagery throughout.  So what about the remake?  Does it do the original justice?  Does it add anything new?  Meh.    Continue reading