Ahhhh…..the good ol’ days of browsing the video store and picking up any and every VHS copy of a horror movie. Some I rented, some I put back down. But if I did pick it up, chances are that it had something deliciously sweet on the cover art. I never rented the movie that I’m about to talk about, but I did recently watch it on Amazon Prime. And that movie is called Offerings – a 1989 (looks older than that) slasher/comedy that sucks off John Carpenter’s Halloween hard (among other slasher movies as well) and might be one of the best worst horror movies ever!
Let’s get down to business though. Take a look at the original VHS cover art:
Now, from looking at that cover you would think you would be in store for some great slasher goodness, right? Even the tagline ‘Remember him before he dismembers you!” is pretty snazzy. And my eyes keep going back to the great artwork of the guy holding the gift dripping with blood. I bet the ‘offerings’ they’re speaking of are people’s severed body parts!
Offerings is pretty much the stereotypical ‘bully gets revenge’ horror movie. Not that it’s a bad thing mind you – but what is bad is the acting, the camera work, the soundtrack, and pretty much everything else in it that borrows super heavily from Halloween. But……therein lies the charm, my friends! Offerings is a terrible movie – no doubt about that. It’s the kind of bad that is best viewed with a group of friends either stoned and/or ridiculously drunk. If you’re a fan of horror movies with bad puns btw, then this will hit all of the right spots and give you a horrorgasm. Enjoy the trailer below for proof, but don’t forget to glance back up at that surprisingly good VHS cover art before you leave the post!
Much like that overstuffed burrito I just ate, I’m full of regrets. Most would say I’m also full of something else, but regrets are what we’re talking about right now. And I always had regrets back in my VHS-renting days of horror movies that I couldn’t quite pull the trigger on. Enter into the mix the 1987 blockbuster Scared Stiff! I figured if I threw the word ‘blockbuster’ in there that you would be more inclined to keep reading.
Ahhhh – look at that beauty. How did I never rent this? Oh I’m sure I just passed it by and rented Slumber Party Massacre II for the tenth time. I’m always a sucker for good title font, and I actually kind of dig it here. Reading the synopsis more closely, it looks as though the plot revolved around voodoo curses and slave owners. Not exactly my cup of tea when I was a 13-year-old horror movie upstart, but I’m sure I could have taken a chance on it. Looks as though Variety magazine was quoted as saying that Scared Stiff was “……..too explicit for the squeamish.” What the hell, man?! I love explicit things! Only one way to settle this once and for all and see if I should finally watch it. To the Youtube trailer!
Oh man. I’m sold! And it looks as though the only thing that’s really explicit is the bad acting. And those terrible effects too. This has ‘pack and bowl and watch’ written all over it. I’m going to go out on a limb here and say that Scared Stiff has probably not gotten the Blu-ray treatment thus far. That’s ok, I’m sure I can find a watchable version on eBay. Let me look……(do do do….do do do….do do do). Ok, I’m back. Didn’t find a VHS or DVD, but I did find THIS. For those who don’t want to click the link, it’s a promotional paper weight for the film. So……if you’ve ever wanted a Scared Stiff paper weight, there you go.
Sometimes, a horror movie can be so amazing….so groundbreaking….so instrumental in shaping the course of mankind….that it will leave you in awe after witnessing it. The Mutilator unfortunately is not one of those horror movies. But it has a ‘death by hook to the female crotch’ kill, so it ain’t all bad!
Welcome to this week’s Sunday Bloody Sunday where I’m shining a little light on a slasher flick from 1985 that isn’t that well known, but is loved by those who have seen it. As much as you can love a bad horror movie I guess. The Mutilator isn’t good – but it did have a kick ass movie poster (look it up if you haven’t seen it), a killer tagline (By sword, by pick, by ax, bye bye…), a not-so killer theme song, and the aforementioned ‘death by hook to the female crotch’ death scene. Click below if you’re curious, and if you’re feeling really adventurous – then click on the second link that contains the opening credits and theme song:
Sometimes I think about what the worst, but entertaining, way to die would be. Choking on a delicious taco from Taco Bell? Being impaled by an umbrella while rain falls on top of my dead body in an ironic manner? Yeah, that last one would probably be it.
Welcome to this week’s Sunday Bloody Sunday and a Happy Holiday to you all! Let’s all get into the Christmas spirit with a scene from a terrible 1987 Christmas-themed horror movie called Silent Night, Deadly Night Part 2. Yes, this movie is infamous just for it’s ‘Garbage Day’ scene alone – but let’s not forget about the scene where Ricky (Billy’s brother from the original 1984 movie) decides to get creative with an umbrella to dispose of someone who’s been “naughty”. Bonus points for Ricky’s crazy eyes and for the ironic rain falling at the end of the death, which miraculously only seems to really be falling on the murder spot. That’s some Hollywood magic right there.
Welcome to Sunday Bloody Sunday and Happy Mother’s Day! Now, when we’re talking horror and the theme of Mother’s Day, there are really only two movies that are deemed worthy and surprisingly they’re both called Mother’s Day. First in 1980, we had Charles Kaufman (brother of Troma’s Lloyd) give us his version with hilarious and gross results. Then in 2010, a loose “remake” was dropped in our lap with the lovely Rebecca De Mornay taking on the role of the psychotic mother.
It’s all about the ‘hammer into the penis’ from the original 1980 version though. So much so, that I’ve talked about it before on Sunday Bloody Sunday. But….I didn’t ever show the actual clip! And the clip is much better than a couple of low quality pictures. So in honor of Mother’s Day and all of the hard working mothers who deserve a day off to watch a guy get his junk ripped open by a hammer, here it is in all of it’s unrealistic glory:
There is a problem that is plaguing the world that no one seems to want to talk about. And that problem is: Steamrollers. Not just any kind of steamroller though, because that would be boring. I’m talking about the kind of steamrollers that are able to operate on their own and hunt down small kids who play Little League baseball and then run them over.
On this week’s Sunday Bloody Sunday, I’m taking a trip to Stephen King’s first and only time in the director’s chair. It’s all about Maximum Overdrive and even though Mr. King should definitely stick to writing and leave the directing to someone else, he sure knows how to film a kid getting squashed by a maniacal steamroller. Feast your eyes below and pour some liquor out for that little guy while you’re at it.