Tag Archives: worst horror remakes

Review: Cabin Fever (2016)

Posted on by
Reply

When I first heard that Eli Roth’s Cabin Fever was being remade, I had to do some serious math in my head.  Add the 2, multiply the 4, carry the 3 and……holy shit – it’s been almost 15 years since it was released!  Even though that seems like a somewhat high number and makes me feel slightly old, I’m not sure it’s long enough to warrant the remake treatment.  But with Eli Roth’s blessing and guidance, writer Randy Pearlstein and director Travis Zariwny set out to accomplish just that, with early news breaking that they would ‘put their own spin’ on Roth’s original.  Well they must have been drinking contaminated water when they said that, because the only spinning going on here is from your head wondering why this was even made.  Harsh?  Yeah.  So let’s get into it.   Continue reading →

Monday Bloody Monday: ‘Human Christmas Cookies’ From ‘Black Christmas’ (2006)

Posted on by
Reply

Mmmmmm.  Can you smell that?  It’s the delicious smell of your favorite Christmas cookies cooking in the oven.  You have to give them time to cook though.  Don’t take them out too soon!  Oh – and you might want to get some extra frosting to mask the taste of the human flesh.  Yuck.

On this week’s Monday Bloody Monday, I’m going to 2006 for one of the most controversial horror remakes of all time:  Black Christmas.  Why so controversial?  Because the original Black Christmas in 1974 is an unheralded classic that was the blueprint for some of your favorite slasher movies that would come later on.  But enough about my crush on the original, the remake had one scene that was just disgusting and over-the-top enough to get my interest.  Click the link below to watch Billy do some damage to his 8-year-old sister Agnes and to his mother that raped him to be able to conceive Agnes.  Yeah – that really happens.  Yuck.

So, About This ‘Martyrs’ Remake…….

Posted on by
Reply

I haven’t went on a good rant in a while.  And what better place to start it back up than with this upcoming remake of the amazing 2008 French horror movie, Martyrs.

I’ll save my breath about Hollywood and the fact that they can’t come up with any original ideas anymore for horror movies, let alone movies in general.  The soon-to-be released Poltergeist remake looks pretty much like a CGI-infused carbon copy of the original.  And don’t get me started on this “exact script as the original” version for the Cabin Fever that’s going to be forced upon us soon.  But none gets my blood boiling more than the upcoming remake of Martyrs, a truly original and mesmerizing horror masterpiece in my opinion that not only punches you in the gut while you watch it, but makes you contemplate something as important and thought provoking as afterlife.  Oh, and it’s got one amazing shotgun blast death scene too.

Tremendous, isn’t it?  If you’ve seen the original Martrys, then I don’t have to tell you it goes to places that most American films don’t have the balls to go to. And therein lies the problem with this remake.  I just don’t have an ounce of faith that it will take you to where the original went and make you feel what the original made you feel in the end.  Martyrs was one of the only horror movies that literally made me sit in silence after I watched it for a good 15 minutes or so.  But who knows….maybe the directing duo of The Goetz Brothers (there are two of them, so maybe that’s an advantage) will prove me wrong and deliver something faithful and honorable to that 2008 version.  At least they’re not overselling it already and calling it ‘The Ultimate Horror Movie‘ or anything like that.

Poster-Presales

Fuck……

Heads Up: Owen Wilson’s Beheading In ‘The Haunting’ (1999)

Posted on by
Reply

Nothing gets the week started like a good beheading clip from a horror movie. Lucky for you, I’ve got a doozy this time!  Bonus points that it involves Owen Wilson for all of you Owen Wilson haters out there.

I think my favorite part of that clip from The Haunting is Liam Neeson’s reaction after Owen Wilson gets his head lopped off.  Kind of hard to upstage a decapitation, but Liam Neeson almost does it.  By the way – that carpet ride that Owen took before his grisly demise looked fun!  Minus getting tossed like a rag doll and then losing a noggin from a giant stone lion sculpture of course. If you haven’t seen this movie (which is a remake of the original and superior 1963 version), then you’re not missing much and I pretty much just showed you the best part.  Your welcome.

Very Bad Things: ‘Cabin Fever’ Already Getting A Remake And Eli Roth Is Involved??

Posted on by
1

Pardon me, but I’m a bit dizzy from shaking my head back and forth so much after this news.  Soooooooo apparently, there is a remake already in the works and ready to start shooting for Eli Roth’s debut horror offering from 2002, Cabin Fever.  Before I begin my rant, I will let it be known that I don’t consider the movie to be an undisputed horror classic or anything, but in my opinion it’s a fun and sick little flick that gets the job done on multiple levels.  Ok – now on with my rant.

cfever_shot7l

It’s been 12 years since the original was released.  12 years.  Now, I’m not a remake timeframe expert or anything, but I’m going to go out on a limb and say that 12 years is a bit premature to roll out a redo.  This unfortunately screams cash-grab because there is honestly no reason that I can think of to go forward with this plan.  At least Eli Roth isn’t really involved and at least they’re not going to use the exact script used in the original.

‘Eli Roth will serve as producer/executive producer Travis Zariwny directing, working off of the EXACT script from the original‘

Motherfucker.  Well, I guess if I sat through Cabin Fever: Patient Zero, I can sit through a pointless remake that will most likely include a Cerina Vincent look-a-like shaving her infected scabby legs.  Whatever…..I do love to be proven wrong, so with that I say good luck and Godspeed, Eli Roth and the Cabin Fever remake crew……may you find solace in your search for a new karate kid who loves his pancakes.

So Apparently A ‘Cabin Fever’ Remake Is Coming?

Posted on by
Reply

scanners01

Ok – I had to get that out of the way real quick.  Word broke a few days ago that after the massive success of the last Cabin Fever sequel called Cabin Fever: Patient Zero, a remake of the original 2002 Eli Roth movie is in place instead of another fantastic sequel.  In case you’re not up on the sarcasm these days, that last sentence was drenched in it.

I get that people need to make money in these hard times.  I myself have a nice little side business going with selling old Garbage Pail Kids stickers on Ebay right now, so I understand that the struggle is real.  But why oh why do we have to even attempt to remake movies that are only 12 years old?  It stings even more for me with this one, because I honestly love Eli Roth’s original Cabin Fever.  The movie gave me an excessive fear of karate-kicking kids who like to yell “Pancakes!” and a fear of shaving my legs if I ever did shave my legs.

cabin-fever-one-final-shave-2

No matter how much bitching I or anyone else does, it seems that quite possibly the most unnecessary horror remake ever (in terms of time between the original) will be happening for sure. Maybe for this one, they’ll get another star of The Goonies to get onboard to drum up interest since Sean Astin starred in Cabin Fever: Patient Zero and that did so well.  But nope, not even the ‘Truffle Shuffle’ will be able to save this remake from the impending doom that surrounds it and everyone involved.

I take this time to plead to Eli Roth if he has any say at all, to not allow this to happen.  In the meantime while that pleading takes place and we all try and wash the taste out of our mouths of this terrible news, let’s watch that karate-kicking kid hop around and yell “Pancakes!” to make our day better:

Sunday Bloody Sunday: ‘The Truck Scene’ From ‘The Hitcher’ (1986)

Posted on by
1

So, you’re girlfriend is tied together between two semi trucks while a homicidal maniac played by Rutger Hauer controls her fate with his foot.  What do you do?  If your reply was to do nothing and let that homicidal maniac call you a “useless waste” while he tears the love of your life in two, then you’ve either seen 1986’s The Hitcher or you’re just a heartless piece of sh*t.

Welcome to this week’s Sunday Bloody Sunday where I’m highlighting one of my favorite horror death scenes of all time that actually isn’t that bloody at all.  Yes, I’m talking about the infamous truck scene from The Hitcher (the original, not that toilet paper worthy remake).  To make up for the lack of blood, there are squishy sound effects to accentuate the scene nicely and imply the ‘girlfriend ripping’ carnage.  So click below, and enjoy watching Rutger Hauer chew some scenery:

Review: Carrie (2013)

Posted on by
1

Meh.  I have a feeling there are going to be a lot of those in this review.  I really hate pointless remakes, especially when dealing in the horror genre.  Trying to keep an open mind can be tough when a remake is in the works, and my mind was already three-fourths closed when the remake was announced for 1976’s horror classic, Carrie.  Yes, the movie where the term ‘dirty pillows’ was introduced along with pig’s blood at the prom.  Directed by Brian De Palma with Oscar nominated performances from Sissy Spacek and Piper Laurie, the original Carrie stands the test of time based off of those performances and it’s vivid and intense imagery throughout.  So what about the remake?  Does it do the original justice?  Does it add anything new?  Meh.    Continue reading →