Nothing says the 80’s like novelty 1-900 numbers.  Well, maybe feathered hair and the Swedish Chef’s breakfast cereal, Croonchy Stars.  The good news for horror fans, was that the 1-900 market had it’s fair share of rip-off goodness to get you into trouble when your parent’s phone bill arrived!  Besides the obvious Freddy Krueger hotline that was making the TV rounds, the other commercial that captivated me to the point where I was about to jeopardize my childhood had I called, was Creep Phone:

Holy Shit!  I could have talked to real life ghosts and zombies for only $2??  I just ate a big bowl of regrets.  But why did the evil voice in the commercial call me a pigeon?  Was pigeon a derogatory term back in the 80’s?  Lots of things didn’t make sense back then.  So sadly, I never did call Creep Phone. But if you did, please let me know what your experience was.  I imagine it was as terrifying and amazing as that 30 second commercial made it seem it would be.  And upon looking for Creep Phone on Youtube, I came across this little gem too:

Wow.  Well that was just terrible and had equally terrible graphics to boot. Doesn’t exactly make me want to take that “Journey Into Terror” for $1.50 the first minute and 35 cents each additional minute.  And why is the number 1-900-660-UGLY?  What does ugly have to do with a “Journey Into Terror”?  If anything, it would have given me a complex if I called a number with the word ugly in it.  So, you think the terrifying 1-900 commercials have hit their peak with Creep Phone and that horrible one with the word ugly in it?  Think again:

Dear God.  The Horror.  For a 1-900 hotline that appears to be geared towards kids, there sure is a lot of sexual innuendo thrown in there.  Warrant likes to rock n’ roll and do “a lot of other things too“.  Uh huh.  And they’re going to give you the “warm HARD facts on their personal lives“.  Ok then.  And they make it a point to say that their fans “always come first“.  Awww – well that’s sweet. Now take us out, Freddie Freaker: