Monday Bloody Monday: ‘Human Christmas Cookies’ From ‘Black Christmas’ (2006)

Mmmmmm.  Can you smell that?  It’s the delicious smell of your favorite Christmas cookies cooking in the oven.  You have to give them time to cook though.  Don’t take them out too soon!  Oh – and you might want to get some extra frosting to mask the taste of the human flesh.  Yuck.

On this week’s Monday Bloody Monday, I’m going to 2006 for one of the most controversial horror remakes of all time:  Black Christmas.  Why so controversial?  Because the original Black Christmas in 1974 is an unheralded classic that was the blueprint for some of your favorite slasher movies that would come later on.  But enough about my crush on the original, the remake had one scene that was just disgusting and over-the-top enough to get my interest.  Click the link below to watch Billy do some damage to his 8-year-old sister Agnes and to his mother that raped him to be able to conceive Agnes.  Yeah – that really happens.  Yuck.

Sunday Bloody Sunday: Death Scenes From ‘Madman’ (1982)

It can’t be argued too much that Madman Marz is the red-headed stepchild horror villain from 80’s slasher movies.  Some of you may be reading this and not even know who Madman Marz is.  For shame!  Because in my opinion, the 1982 extra cheesy slasher film Madman defined what 80’s horror movies were all about back then, and deserves more recognition.

So, on this week’s Sunday Bloody Sunday I’m giving it some of that recognition!  Oh, I could go on and on about the amazingly bad hot tub scene that’s in the movie (of which you can see HERE), but I would much rather focus on the death scenes.  Did I also mention that Madman has some of the BEST sound effects and music ever?  Gaze upon the carnage below to hear for yourself, and look out for my favorite at #9 in the clip.  How the Academy overlooked her performance at the Oscars that year is a travesty.

Dirty Horror Presents: “Bastaaaaaaaaaard!!!”

Few actresses have ever shown their range and thespian abilities like Lynda Day George in the 1982 slasher movie, Pieces.  Such poise.  Such grace. Such gratuitous over-acting.  All of this adds up to one of the best moments in horror movie history.  Strap yourselves in and prepare yourself for: “Bastaaaaaaaaaard!!!

Are you taking notes, Meryl Streep?  You damn well better be.  Lynda Day George took that to another level and we’re all better people for it.  You want to know the sad thing about that clip though?  It’s not even the best part in the movie.  Pieces is in another realm when it comes to bad horror, and I mean that in the most endearing way possible.  Unfortunately, the Blu-ray gods have yet to release this craptastic masterpiece, which is a god damn tragedy.  Seek it out on DVD if you can, and maybe you can surprise that horror movie lover in your life for the holidays!


Give Me The Creeps: ‘Billy’s Eye’ From ‘Black Christmas’ (1974)

You know who would really be the life of your holiday party this year?  Billy from 1974’s classic slasher, Black Christmas!  He would definitely have you covered if you needed the following:  some plastic bags for whatever reason, an obscene phone call that emphasizes the word ‘cunt’, and a creepy peeping eyeball.

Speaking of creepy – not many movies creep me out more than Bob Clark’s, Black Christmas.  A definite pioneer in the slasher genre, it manages to make your skin crawl just off of the opening sequence alone.  But the scene with Billy’s aforementioned creepy eye takes the creepy cake for sure.  So let’s all watch together as Jess (Olivia Hussey) runs frantically through the house and encounters Billy and his eerie peeping peeper.

Required Halloween Viewing: The Funhouse (1981)

Sorry to burst your bubble Michael Myers, but you’re not the only required viewing on Halloween night.  Granted, I’ll be watching my fair share of the Halloween franchise leading up to and on October 31st, but it’s not the only game in town that sets the mood for All Hallows’ Eve.  Isn’t that right Tobe Hooper’s 1981 underrated slasher, The Funhouse?


Easily one of my favorite guilty horror pleasures ever, this movie screams Halloween night viewing.  It even has an opening scene that pays homage to the 1978 John Carpenter classic!  And it’s just as incestuous as well.  But incest aside, The Funhouse is definitely fun.  Sorry for my lazy writing, but it’s Monday so give me a break.  I myself love the old school dark rides that you’d find at amusement parks and creepy small town carnivals, so I was immediately in just based off of that alone.

The Funhouse is definitely a slow burn horror movie, but while it’s burning you get rewarding things like:  actor Kevin Conway taking on three separate roles, a big giant fat laughing lady that sits atop the funhouse attraction, a creepy Frankenstein mask wearing creature that has equally creepy make-up effects underneath that mask courtesy of legendary artist Rick Baker, and four stupid teens who think it’ll be ok to spend the night in a carnival ride.


At the end of the day, The Funhouse doesn’t reinvent anything when it comes to the horror genre, but in it’s own special way it separates itself from the slasher herd.  The money shot doesn’t disappoint when The Monster reveals himself before strangling the big breasted fortune teller to death – and from there on out it really becomes a nifty little ‘cat and mouse’ game.  A horror movie is usually only as good as it’s villain, and in The Funhouse the combo of The Monster and Funhouse Barker take on that role and satisfy those who watch in the process.  So do yourself a favor this Halloween and give this ‘little slasher movie that could’ a shot.  You could do a lot worse.  Right, Halloween: Resurrection?


Overacting Scene Of The Day: Artie And The Boiling Water From ‘Sleepaway Camp’ (1983)

In 1983’s Sleepaway Camp, Artie the head cook got what he deserved after trying to unsuccessfully molest Angela.  A big old pot of scalding hot water tumbles on top of him, burning him from limb to limb.  And yes, as I said – he deserved it.  However, what we as the audience didn’t deserve was the 20 second long overacting from Artie after it happened.  Granted, I’m sure it hurt.  And I’m sure I would have screamed too.  But this is low-budget cinema we’re talking about here, and Artie went all out for that coveted gold statue that he never had a chance to receive.  Click below and behold the work of a true thespian, ladies and gentlemen:

Sunday Bloody Sunday: ‘Axe Attack’ From ‘Tenebre’ (1982)

*WARNING: The clip that you’re about to watch in this post contains an extremely unrealistic chopping off of an arm by an axe.  You’ve been warned*

God bless Dario Argento.  Why the hell doesn’t he make good movies anymore though?  That’s a question that could take a while to find an answer to, so lets focus on some of his better work from days past to take our minds off of that.

On this week’s Sunday Bloody Sunday it’s about to get all giallo red up in here, because I’m highlighting one of the best and most ridiculous death scenes from Argento’s 1982 slasher:  Tenebre.  If you haven’t seen the movie, then I’m about to spoil the fact that the character of Jane is about to be hacked up by an axe murderer.  But before she’s done for good, she’s going to decide to paint the beautiful white walls in her house bright red!  I heard that she did always have dreams of becoming an interior designer.

A Valentine’s Day Tribute: Hollis’ Mustache From ‘My Bloody Valentine’

With Valentine’s Day a mere three days away, there are only two things you should really be thinking about.  First:  what are you’re going to get your girlfriend or wife so that your ass isn’t sleeping on the couch?  Second:  what horror movie are you going to watch in honor of this fake holiday?  The first one I can’t help with, but I’ll pray for you.  The second is pretty easy considering there is only one Valentine’s Day themed horror movie that has quite possibly the greatest cinematic mustache of all time!


Yes ladies (and some gentlemen), that impressive flavor saver you’re looking at up there belongs to none other than Hollis.  He’s a not really lean, sometimes pretty mean, gorgeous furry-lipped machine!  And he can be all yours this Valentine’s Day if you watch the underrated 1981 slasher flick, My Bloody Valentine.  His mustache deserved it’s own name in the credits.  So it seems only fitting to salute this monumental lady tickler and give it the respect that it deserves.  Feels only right to give you one more glance at it before I go too.  And I bet you won’t even notice that there are three other people in the pic because you’ll be staring at Hollis’ cookie duster the whole time………


Horror Movie Posters I Love: Hell Night (1981)

The forgotten slasher movies.  1981’s Hell Night definitely falls into that category.  Whether it’s forgotten good or forgotten bad, one thing’s for sure – I love the poster for it!

Yes, that’s Linda Blair.  And yes, this was released 4 years after the debacle that was Exorcist II: The Heretic.  As for the movie itself, Hell Night is standard slasher fare.  It revolves around a sorority initiation and a killer named Andrew The Gork.  Not quite sure what the hell a gork is, but Roger Ebert gave his definition in his review back in 1981:

Gork  (n.) Deformed, violent creature that lurks in horror movies, jumping out of basement shadows and decapitating screaming teenagers.

Thanks Roger.  Anyway, Hell Night hasn’t gotten a decent DVD or Blu-ray release and I think it deserves it.  It’s not mind-blowing by any slasher standards, but it’s enjoyable 80’s cheese.  And I do love me some cheese, especially cheddar.  But the poster for me is head and shoulders above most in the genre. It captures that cheesiness, and grabs your attention, which is what it did when I rented the movie back in the 80’s.  And I dig the tagline too: Pray For Day.  Subtle, but horrifically charming at the same time.  Big thumbs up for the Hell Night poster and a wavy shake of the hand for the actual movie.  And an even bigger thumbs up for Andrew The Gork!  There’s a huge gork shortage in horror today.