I know most of you might think that the original Black Christmas is the best Christmas-themed horror movie ever, but I’m here to tell you that you’re right. Now aside from my agreement on that topic, another Christmas-themed horror movie that you need to see is Silent Night, Deadly Night 5: The Toy Maker! I know you probably need convincing, so watch this clip below and I’ll tell you 5 things that I personally learned from this monumental scene in horror movie history:
Ok, here we go:
Always make sure to say something funny like “It’s to die for.” right before you knowingly send someone to their inevitable death.
He should have crashed at least 10 times considering his eyes rarely made contact with the road at any point in this clip.
Larry The Larvae is quite persistent.
Larry The Larvae must also be a vampire since no blood really appears when he pops the guy’s eyeball out.
It’s unfortunate that Mickey Rooney isn’t in this scene.
Well, that was fun I guess. Go watch this gem of a Christmas horror movie on Shudder now!
I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking: “Tony, was there ever a terrible 80’s slasher movie that starred that Body By Jake exercise video guy?” I bet about 100 people think this every day actually. I’m here to finally not only answer that question and thought, but to also present to you the trailer for that very movie called Home Sweet Home! Be warned though, the trailer pretty much shows the entire movie in a little over a minute. Not that it matters.
There’s a lot to unpack here: That Griswold family looking station wagon, the woman who’s not wearing a bra, the apparent electrocution of a mime, the close-up of the old lady at the end that clearly isn’t a real old lady, and last but not least…..Jake Steinfeld’s hair. It’s also clear that he had been doing his own workout video before he shot this movie, because dude is buff. Buffness aside, this is a stupidly fun stereotypical 80’s slasher movie that a lot of people probably don’t know about. So seek out Home Sweet Home if you can, and enjoy the cheese. Now I want some cheese. Cheddar, more specifically.
Quick! What’s your favorite Halloween-themed movie??? Put your hand down if you’re going to say Halloween. Or if you shouted, Trick ‘r Treat. Or if Ernest Scared Stupid is your destiny. The overwhelmingly obvious answer is The Pumpkin Karver! Ok, maybe not. But that was fun for a second.
Ah yes, The Pumpkin Karver. The 2006 gem of a movie that you can rent now on DVD through Netflix. Seriously though, why is Netflix still doing the DVD mail-in option? Just put that shit up to stream! My anger towards Netflix sidetracked me, but my love for good horror movies did not deter me from watching The Pumpkin Karver one time. Luckily, someone strung together some of the film’s best (and worst) scenes and bookended it with Ween’s “Where’d The Cheese Go” for some awesome reason. Click below and enjoy!
Something had me looking for 70’s horror movie trailers at 5 in the morning today, and low and behold I found gold with the trailer for the 1979 film that one reviewer called ‘worthless and repugnant‘. Yes, it’s Don’t Go In The House! Fun fact: The original title did actually have an exclamation point attached at the end. Watch the grainy goodness of the trailer below, and we’ll discuss afterwards.
Sooooo……am I supposed to go into the house, or not? I’m still confused about that. But anyway, I think I would go into the house. The trailer just oozes nostalgia though. The voiceover, the visual grainy crackling, the title card popping up onto the screen several times.
To be honest, Don’t Go In The House is not a great movie……but, it is entertaining! Aside from some kooky scenes and acting, it does sport a pretty impressive score which Waxwork Records will be releasing soon for the first time ever on vinyl! So be on the lookout for that, and go hunt the movie down and give it a watch so you can see for yourself if it is indeed ‘worthless and repugnant‘.
I always love entertaining horror movie titles. So you can imagine my excitement with a title like Hauntedween. Yes, Hauntedween……a lovely little independent slasher from 1991 that reminds me so much of my old video store that I used to frequent as a teen. Why you ask? Because I can still remember seeing the VHS cover for the movie.
(photo credit: vhscollector)
You have to admit, it’s a pretty sweet cover. And the mask is actually pretty fucking creepy. Now granted, this movie falls into the ‘so bad it’s good’ category – but in a very unapologetic way. And I can respect that when it comes to 80’s/90’s horror slashers. Considering I remember Hauntedween specifically in VHS form, it should be noted that if you have an original VHS copy then it is definitely worth some cash. In a season where everyone is watching Michael Myers and little Sam and his lollipop, seek out Hauntedween even if it’s just on Youtube. To wet your appetite for Hauntedween (can you tell that I really love to say Hauntedween), here’s a clip below of the killer who is clearly distraught over his mother dying. Or maybe he’s just bummed he dropped his wood.
As an avid Friday The 13th franchise fan, I don’t think it’s any shock that one of the greatest Jason Voorhees kills in it’s history is the infamous ‘sleeping bag’ tree slamming incident from Friday The 13th Part VII: The New Blood. The ‘unedited’ version is much better, complete with a few more whacks and swings – making it at the top, or close to it, on Jason’s highlight reel. And much respect to Mr. Kane Hodder who played Jason in that movie, but did you know that he had some ‘sleeping bag’ kill competition in the form of Bigfoot in 1980? Don’t believe me or don’t believe in Bigfoot? Then just watch the clip below:
Wow. Sign that Bigfoot up for the next Olympics! Did you see that form? No offense to Kane Hodder, but Bigfoot might have you beat as far as sleeping bag tossing skills. But alas, Kane will always get top billing (and rightfully so) – while our friend Bigfoot here comes in a close and hairy second. Oh, I guess I should mention that this clip is from the 1980 movie Night Of The Demon – which shouldn’t be confused with the 1988 movie Night Of The Demons (plural) which has no Bigfoot involved…..just some disappearing lipstick. Stay safe out there campers – there just might be a Bigfoot looming in the forest waiting for his big chance for a gold medal in the 2020 Olympics.
Al Pacino won Best Actor at the 1993 Academy Awards for his role in Scent Of A Woman, but there was some terrible injustice going on while he was graciously accepting his award. And that injustice is that Clint Howard was NOT nominated for his breathtaking and groundbreaking role in Ticks. For those in the dark here, Ticks is a horror movie about giant killer ticks. It definitely delivers what it promises in the title.
Welcome to Monday Bloody Monday where I am indeed going to give Mr. Clint Howard the shine that he deserves from his role as Jarvis Tanner in Ticks. Behold greatness and watch as Clint tells the daughter of Micky Dolenz from The Monkees that he’s infested. Then brace yourself for acting impact while his head explodes over her. After watching, feel free to contact the Academy with a barrage of emails voicing your displeasure over this HUGE oversight. We should all be very ticked off about this. Puns!
Ahhhh…..the good ol’ days of browsing the video store and picking up any and every VHS copy of a horror movie. Some I rented, some I put back down. But if I did pick it up, chances are that it had something deliciously sweet on the cover art. I never rented the movie that I’m about to talk about, but I did recently watch it on Amazon Prime. And that movie is called Offerings – a 1989 (looks older than that) slasher/comedy that sucks off John Carpenter’s Halloween hard (among other slasher movies as well) and might be one of the best worst horror movies ever!
Let’s get down to business though. Take a look at the original VHS cover art:
Now, from looking at that cover you would think you would be in store for some great slasher goodness, right? Even the tagline ‘Remember him before he dismembers you!” is pretty snazzy. And my eyes keep going back to the great artwork of the guy holding the gift dripping with blood. I bet the ‘offerings’ they’re speaking of are people’s severed body parts!
Offerings is pretty much the stereotypical ‘bully gets revenge’ horror movie. Not that it’s a bad thing mind you – but what is bad is the acting, the camera work, the soundtrack, and pretty much everything else in it that borrows super heavily from Halloween. But……therein lies the charm, my friends! Offerings is a terrible movie – no doubt about that. It’s the kind of bad that is best viewed with a group of friends either stoned and/or ridiculously drunk. If you’re a fan of horror movies with bad puns btw, then this will hit all of the right spots and give you a horrorgasm. Enjoy the trailer below for proof, but don’t forget to glance back up at that surprisingly good VHS cover art before you leave the post!
There’s nothing worse than being the redheaded stepchild of the 80’s slasher genre. Oh sure, you may have gotten picked up once or twice in the video store – but it may have always been a mercy fuck because Friday The 13th or Halloween wasn’t in stock.
Well – on this week’s Monday Bloody Monday, I’m giving some love to one of my favorite 80’s slasher stepchildren: The Mutilator. Now you may also know it by it’s other name Fall Break, but to me it will always be The Mutilator. Recently released on snazzy Blu-ray, I sat down and watched it again the other night and what a treat it was! Everything that an 80’s slasher should have: Bad acting, bad music, and great gore. Speaking of that gore, that’s why I’m here in this post today. Watch the clip below for all of the death scenes and obviously there are spoilers abound if you haven’t seen the movie. And if you haven’t – do yourself a favor and watch The Mutilator. Bet you won’t be able to get the theme song out of your head too.
Snow is falling outside. Carolers are caroling in the streets. And people are inside nestled around the fireplace while watching the 1997 horror (and I use that term loosely) movie Jack Frost. A huge guilty pleasure of mine that has earned it’s place atop my ‘Required Viewing’ list for Chirstmas, Jack Frost is full of ridiculous moments and even more ridiculous puns. So let’s treat ol’ Jack like a stand-up comic and have him deliver us his ‘Bad Pun Of The Week’!
Well it took a while to get to it, but boy did Jack Frost deliver that pun! See, if you’re slow – he wanted a cigarette. And the guy had an axe. So when Jack shoved the axe down the guy’s throat (which didn’t quite look right if you think of the length of the handle and how it stuck in the guy’s mouth), he used the axe part in his pun when he talked about asking for a cigarette! Hilarity. If you’d like to watch that scene again in glorious Blu-ray quality, then go and purchase the newly released Blu-ray copy HERE.