Tag Archives: children of the living dead

Horror Hijinks: Children Of The Living Dead (2001)

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Wow.  2001 was a shit year for horror movies.  Save for Jeepers Creepers and Session 9 maybe, if you gaze your peepers upon a list of the horror selection that came out that year, you may be surprised at just how deep the shit goes.  And nothing falls deeper onto that shit list than the sad attempt at capitalizing off of the “Living Dead” genre called Children Of The Living Dead.

Children Of The Living Dead is mind-blowingly bad.  So bad that it almost makes House Of The Dead look like an Oscar contender.  So bad that in one scene, you actually see an extra who is playing a dead zombie scratch their nose as if no one could see.  And so bad that the best part of the movie is watching Tom Savini run around for the opening 10 minutes shooting cap guns (not joking) and practicing his kung-fu moves.  We’re even duped on the title.  I was expecting an onslaught of undead underage children munching on people left and right considering the movie is called Children Of The Living Dead. That may have actually kept my interest.  But alas, even the munching is lame. And I really hate lame munching.

I realized that I need to look at this piece of shit zombie movie as a comedy though to fully appreciate the level of shittiness that it truly is on.  And when you do that my friends, it’s actually not that bad!  Take the clip below for instance.  Ladies and gentlemen – I present to you the comedy stylings of Abbot Hayes!

Oh that Abbot Hayes sure knows how to work the room, doesn’t he?  If only Gary had gotten that windshield fixed, maybe their van wouldn’t have flown off the cliff.  And maybe then I wouldn’t have been reminded of Toonces The Driving Cat from Saturday Night Live:

As much as I enjoy watching that bad driving cat plunge off the cliff, let’s get back to Children Of The Living Dead to close this sucker out.  My advice if you haven’t seen it is to get really drunk.  Really, really drunk.  Maybe even smoke a joint or two.  Then sit back, watch it, and take it all in.  You can play a fun drinking game too that whenever the dubbing is off for the actor’s lines, you take a drink.  You’ll be fucked up by the time Tom Savini shoots his first cap gun.  Enjoy!

Awful Death Scenes In Awful Horror Movies: Beware! Children At Play (1989)

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Back in 1989, a tragedy occurred.  I fell victim once again to the misleading VHS cover.  And this time, the culprit was the “words cannot describe just how bad it is” poor excuse for a horror movie, Beware! Children At Play.  I’ll admit it – the cover pulled me in as I snatched off the rack of one of my favorite Mom & Pop rental establishments, Video Vision.  The Troma symbol had never steered me wrong in the past, so I figured I’d be bad movie heaven, but in a disgusting/enjoyable kind of way of course.

The movie is crap people.  But it does supply us with some unintentional humor that can make up for some of that crap.  I liken it to another crapfest, Children Of The Living Dead, if you’d like a comparison.  Now the ending of Beware! Children At Play is the bread and butter of the awfulness, but in light of certain tragedies that have occurred, I won’t be posting that up.  So my runner up would be the following death scene of a Bible salesman just trying to spread the word of God:

And now:  7 observations I have after watching that:

1.  I believe the guy he was trying to catch up to was named Braun.  

2.  He looks like Saul from Homeland. 

3.  At :30 in – Is there a reason the director wanted us to watch him walk up a hill for 20 seconds? 

4.  Being that the sickle was swung so slowly and poorly, it’s amazing that it cut his entire body completely in half.  

5.  Worst fall to the ground ever after being sliced in half.

6.  Three legged dogs can actually run surprisingly fast. 

7.  I guess he raised the sickle up again at 1:21, which now miraculously doesn’t have blood on it btw, just to mock the Bible thumper. 

Seek out Beware! Children At Play if you’re looking for a bad movie good time.  It might not put out like you want it to at the end of the night, but at least you get to cop a decent feel or two so it’s not a total waste of time.