So What Happens If This New ‘Halloween’ Movie Sucks?

Getting your hopes up is a terrible epidemic that affects millions of people every year.  Especially people who are fans of horror movies.  Last year, my hopes were way up for the new incarnation of Stephen King’s IT – and although I liked it, I was not in the majority that LOVED it.  Hence, my hopes were dashed because they were up way too high.  So what happens this year when October 19th rolls around?  Well, it’s my birthday of course!  Oh – not just mine actually…..but a certain mask-wearing/knife-wielding killer from Haddonfield, Illinois named Michael Myers’ as well.  And yes, he comes home on that date in theaters nationwide!

The new Halloween has some interesting twists coming along with it in the writer/director categories.  Directed and co-written by David Gordon Green (Pineapple Express), he isn’t exactly the first choice for a horror movie.  But, I’ll reserve judgement until my peepers see it for myself.  A favorite of mine, Danny McBride, co-wrote it along with Green and Jeff Fradley.  What does all of this mean for the tone?  Who fucking knows.  But what I do fucking know is that John Carpenter IS onboard as a consultant and will do most or all of the music for the movie.  Oh – and did I mention that Jamie Lee Curtis is back reprising her role as Laurie Strode?  I guess I really didn’t need to mention that unless you’ve been living under a rock for the last few months.

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Now, recently some news got out about some early test screenings for Halloween.  And the word was not good.  You can take these opinions with a grain of salt and a Michael Myers grunt, as I will again reserve judgement until I see the final product for myself.  The poster that came out last week was alright, but people were figuratively sucking it off because the mask was shown…..but I kinda thought it didn’t look much different than Rob Zombie’s mask in his Halloween movies (one of the only redeeming qualities btw).  To each his or her own though, the excitement level for Halloween is steadily building steam.  When the trailer drops, so will the horror panties.  I don’t know that the hell that even met.  But anyway…….

So what if it sucks?  What if my hopes are so high, that if it does suck…..I go running out of the theater like a madman and dash into the street without looking and get hit by a car like Ben Tramer???  Oh, let’s hope that doesn’t happen.  And let’s hope that Halloween doesn’t suck, because I really do want to have a good birthday.  We shall see.  And if you want to get me something for my birthday, I’m an extra large.

Halloween Mask Hunting In June!

The greatest day of the year is only less than 6 months away.  No, not my birthday.  That comes in a close second place to the most anticipated yearly holiday of them all…….Halloween!  And even though we’re only in the beginning of June, why not start searching for that perfect horror-related mask to scare the shit out of little kids on All Hallow’s Eve night?

Now, if I asked you to name the creepiest horror mask of all time, most of you would comfortably say Michael Myers from the Halloween franchise.  I have great news for you if you did, because I found a new edition to the ever-growing Michael Myers mask collection……and here it is!

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Oh dear God.  Well, that’s not good.  I apologize.  I guess it looked better the first time I looked at it, but now I realize that I was clearly wrong.  Ok, well maybe it’s just that the front angle doesn’t look that great and it looks better from the side?  Yeah, maybe that’s the money shot.

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Why does Michael Myers look like Pauly D from Jersey Shore?  And it looks like he’s gained a bit of weight in the face which could be from sulking in his house and eating Butterfingers all day long.  There’s something I bet you didn’t know – Michael Myers loves Butterfingers!  Ok, we have one more chance to redeem this piece of shit mask, and that’s with the back view.

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Well, clearly no help there.  So to review:  The front view is terrible.  The side view is awful.  And the back view looks like it was designed by Stevie Wonder.  Add all of that up and most likely, this is not the Halloween mask for you this year.  But cheer up!  We have about six more months to get it right, so stay tuned as I try and make up for this mess of a Michael Myers mask.