Tag Archives: upcoming horror remakes

More ‘Day Of The Dead’ Remake Fuckery Is Upon Us…….

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More than 30 years later and they still can’t seem to get a Day Of The Dead sequel/reboot right.  First we had the tremendously bad Day Of The Dead 2: Contagium go surprisingly straight-to-video in 2005.  Then we had a ‘loose’ remake title Day Of The Dead also go straight-to-video in 2008, and it starred Nick Cannon as a wannabe zombie-killing bad ass.  I’ll let that sink in for a minute.  And now, the Day Of The Dead remake gods are at it again with ANOTHER version of the George A. Romero 1985 classic.  And thanks to Bloody Disgusting, we got a sneak peek at the character MAX, who is a reboot of BUB from the original.

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What in thee fuck.  Now I have nothing against the actor portraying MAX here (Johnathon Schaech), but this just doesn’t seem right.  First of all, BUB was a character that should never even try to be duplicated.  He was, and is, an iconic horror figure and one of the best attempts in a horror movie at evoking emotion from the audience for a character. And if you read the short synopsis of this remake (which seems to be a more true remake this time around), then the fuckery gets even worse:

Day Of The Dead follows a former medical student tormented by a dark figure from her past, who happens to be a half-human, half-zombie hell-bent on destroying her.  

Oh sweet fancy Moses.  So we have a half-human, half-zombie on a mission to get revenge?  Sounds lovely.  And let me guess…..MAX is going to be that half-human, half-zombie?  Hence why he has to be chained up maybe?  Love it or hate (I’m with the latter), this remake of Day Of The Dead is in production and it will become a reality soon.  I reached out to Captain Rhodes from the original movie and this was his reaction:

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Holy Toulon! They’re Remaking ‘Puppet Master’???

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Did anyone see Bone Tomahawk last year?  For shame if you didn’t!  But me shaming you aside, it was a western/horror hybrid written and directed by S. Craig Zahler and was one of my favorites of 2015.  Building off the acclaim of that movie, what’s Mr. Zahler want to get into next?  A remake of 1989’s Puppet Master of course!

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I actually kinda dig that poster a lot.  So yes, what you’re looking at there is the teaser poster for what will be the new Puppet Master reboot/remake called Puppet Master: The Littlest Reich.  A quick synopsis is below:

A recently divorced young man discovers a mint condition Blade doll in his deceased brother’s closet and plans to sell the toy at a convention in Oregon celebrating the 30th anniversary of the infamous Toulon Murders. All hell breaks loose at the Postville Lodge during the auction when a strange force animates all of the various puppets throughout the convention as they go on a bloody killing spree.

A bloody killing spree at a toy convention?  Count me in!  The original Puppet Master from Full Moon Features is a definite guilty pleasure of mine, as are some of the sequels before the franchise kinda went off the rails.  So what involvement will Full Moon and it’s creator Charles Band have with this sequel/reboot?  Word is that Mr. Band will serve as executive producer.  I think the bigger question is whether or not The Leech Lady will be making a triumphant and sexy return.  Rawwwwrrrrr!

Non-Anticipation Alert: Martyrs (2016)

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Rejoice!  The trailer for the Martyrs remake is here!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Let’s watch it!

…….Hmmmmm……So what’s everybody doing for Christmas?  Anything good going on in the world of sports nowadays?  Clearly if you can’t tell, I’m avoiding talking about the trailer.  To start – it can be said that the original French version of Martyrs is one of those films that had a strong impact on me after I watched it.  It’s definitely not for everyone, and will most likely turn your stomach in different directions, but the original Martyrs is the epitome of an impactful horror movie.

So what’s my beef with the remake and the trailer?  Mostly that it’s the definition of an unnecessary remake.  Now, I did hear good things about the Goetz Brothers’ first film Scenic Route, so I’m not going to fault them for trying to tackle Martyrs here.  But when you watch the trailer, the editing is choppy and it screams ‘direct-to-DVD’, which after further investigation seems to be the case.

Anchor Bay will be releasing it in limited theaters and Digital HD on January 22nd, but then quickly putting it out on VOD, DVD, and Blu-ray two weeks later. And that my friends is a slap in the face to the original and more proof that there was no need to remake it.  So let’s take a look back at one of the scenes from the fantastic original Martyrs and wash this bad remake taste out of our mouths ASAP:

How Bad Can You F*ck Up A ‘Cujo’ Remake?

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Pretty bad apparently.  I heard the news the other day that there was indeed a Cujo remake in the works.  At first glance, it’s not a terrible idea to update the 1983 original, because it’s a movie that actually could benefit from the remake treatment.  All of those thoughts quickly drifted out of my mind when I found out this potential remake is going to be called not just Cujo, but C.U.J.O. – and that of course would stand for Canine Unit Joint Operations.  What do you think of that Dee Wallace Stone?

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Yeah – we’re right there with you, sister.  Now, not much has been said about what the actual plot of this remake will be, but judging from the title, here’s what I can determine:  We’re going to have a bunch of slobbering and foaming at the mouth Saint Bernards who got bit by rabid bats running around in the military and carrying out special co-op missions while a grown up version of the kid from Who’s The Boss watches on and applauds their progress.

While I hope I’m wrong (except for the part about Danny Pintauro returning), it does seem as though there’s going to be some kind of military element involved here.  Which makes absolutely no fucking sense.  This sounds like it should be more a Man’s Best Friend remake instead of a Cujo one.  For those not aware, Man’s Best Friend was a pretty terrible 1993 movie about a killer Mastiff dog who can climb trees to eat cats and it also had this precious tagline:  Nature created him. Science perfected him. But no one can control him.  So to take that bad taste out of our mouths of the upcoming Cujo – oh I’m sorry – C.U.J.O. remake, let’s watch the trailer to Man’s Best Friend instead.  

 

Oh…..So They’re Remaking ‘The Blob’?

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Maybe my finger just isn’t on the pulse of horror as much as it should be, because I either completely forgot or didn’t realize that there was another remake of The Blob in the works.  Once attached to Rob Zombie (which would have been……interesting), it looks like director Simon West is going behind the camera to bring our favorite blobby killer to the big screen again.

I believe I’ve let it be known that I hold the 1988 remake of The Blob in the highest regard as far as horror remakes go.  It paid homage to the 1958 original and introduced some amazing practical make-up effects for it’s time (not including Kevin Dillon’s hair) that still hold up to this day.  Not sure that we really need another rendition or update to The Blob, but it looks as though Samuel L. Jackson will be our main star battling the reincarnated blob.

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Not a bad choice, but what troubles me is that director Simon West has said that ‘with modern CGI we can now fully realize the potential of The Blob‘. Granted there was some bad 80’s CGI in the 1988 version, but these days CGI is overused in a lot movies, including horror.  As long as those involved with this remake/reboot have fun with it and don’t make things too serious, we might be ok.  We’ll know more once a trailer pops up as far as what we’re dealing with though, so until then let’s enjoy all of the death scenes from the 1988 classic (yep, I’m calling it a classic):

So, About This ‘Martyrs’ Remake…….

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I haven’t went on a good rant in a while.  And what better place to start it back up than with this upcoming remake of the amazing 2008 French horror movie, Martyrs.

I’ll save my breath about Hollywood and the fact that they can’t come up with any original ideas anymore for horror movies, let alone movies in general.  The soon-to-be released Poltergeist remake looks pretty much like a CGI-infused carbon copy of the original.  And don’t get me started on this “exact script as the original” version for the Cabin Fever that’s going to be forced upon us soon.  But none gets my blood boiling more than the upcoming remake of Martyrs, a truly original and mesmerizing horror masterpiece in my opinion that not only punches you in the gut while you watch it, but makes you contemplate something as important and thought provoking as afterlife.  Oh, and it’s got one amazing shotgun blast death scene too.

Tremendous, isn’t it?  If you’ve seen the original Martrys, then I don’t have to tell you it goes to places that most American films don’t have the balls to go to. And therein lies the problem with this remake.  I just don’t have an ounce of faith that it will take you to where the original went and make you feel what the original made you feel in the end.  Martyrs was one of the only horror movies that literally made me sit in silence after I watched it for a good 15 minutes or so.  But who knows….maybe the directing duo of The Goetz Brothers (there are two of them, so maybe that’s an advantage) will prove me wrong and deliver something faithful and honorable to that 2008 version.  At least they’re not overselling it already and calling it ‘The Ultimate Horror Movie‘ or anything like that.

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Fuck……

Dirty Horror’s 2014 New Year’s Resolutions

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Sadly, 2013 is gone.  And we’ll never get to see her again.  Oh sure, we had our fun times and may have even objectified her a tad, but she’s gone like a stinky fart in the wind.  Enter in her replacement:  2014.  And to make 2014 feel welcome, especially in the horror blogging world, I’m going to give my New Year’s resolutions to make her feel wanted and loved and to make sure that I give her everything that I couldn’t give 2013.

Resolution #1:  Watch the first season and new season of Bates Motel

One of my regrets from 2013 was that I bailed early on AMC’s show, Bates Motel.  It wasn’t that I wasn’t into it mind you…..it was just that I got caught up in so many other shows, that I neglected it.  To make matters worse, I watched an entire season of that shit show Under The Dome, but didn’t give Bates Motel the time of day.  But not this year.  I’m watching the first season and giving the second season my undivided and full attention when it starts on March 3rd.  The lovely Vera Farmiga would want it that way.

 

Resolution #2:  I will try to have more of an open mind with horror remakes

Yeah.  I’m one of those horror fans.  The one who screams to the mountain tops when a remake is announced.  And I’ll admit, I tend to be a little set in my ways and hate for the sake of hating when it comes to remakes.  Not that I don’t give some their praise though (Maniac, Evil Dead), but the majority that do come out get an extra dose of shit piled on them from me.  See last year’s Carrie review for proof.  But this year, I want to change.  I want to (grits teeth hard) have hope for the Robocop remake.  I want to not roll my eyes when the new Poltergeist remake releases a trailer.  Seriously?!  They’re remaking Poltergeist!?  What the f*ck?!!!  Ok, this is gonna be harder than I thought.

 

Resolution #3:  Watch and listen to more commentary tracks on horror Blu-ray releases

Nothing irritates me more about myself than plucking down $25 for a new Blu-ray release, only to watch the movie and pay zero attention to the extras that are included.  Can’t explain why I do it, but I’m sure part of it is laziness and the other part has something to do with my constant ADD frame of mind.  This year, I want to appreciate and enjoy some of the extras that come with Blu-ray releases, especially the commentary tracks.  Companies like Scream Factory are busting their ass to give fans what the want with their releases, and here’s somebody like me sitting on his ass only watching the movie.  And to that I say (while semi-violently pumping my fist in the air):  It’s time for a change!

 

Resolution #4:  Try and get on board with the Paranormal Activity franchise  

Not one, but two new Paranormal Activity movies are coming out in 2014.  And judging from the list of horror movies that will be hitting the big screen this year, the Paranormal movies are looking more and more appealing.  But here’s the thing:  I don’t understand the love that these movies get.  I saw the first one.  Saw the third one as well.  Heard the fourth one was crap, so I didn’t bother.  But now I’m hearing all sorts of good buzz about Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones which comes out this week, so I feel it might be time for me to jump on board with this franchise.  If I was able to ride for seven straight Saw movies, I can surely give these found footage flicks a chance, right?  Of course I can!  I can do it!!!  Because I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggone it, people like me.  Thanks, Stuart Smalley!